Meetings
by Stickki
Summary: A young quarian is saved by an Alliance soldier. What will happen? And why? And what about these other strange aliens around the soldier? Who are they?  UPDATE: Mostly Tali POV, continuing in ME2.
1. The Corridor

How had she gotten herself into this? She had just wanted to bring something valuable back to the Fleet, but was now hunted by the agents of this 'Saren'. Who was this Saren anyway? A very influential man for sure, since he seemed to know every move she made. The power and resources this man had in his disposal screamed 'Spectre' to her. Saren was also a celebrity; he had attacked a large human colony in an attempt to destroy it, or so the rumors on the extranet had said. She hadn't believed them at first, but now she knew for sure. And if that wasn't bad enough, he was also trying to bring some geth machine gods back to life. A Spectre would attack a human colony to destroy the galaxy? It was crazy! He was crazy! And now he was chasing her! How could this happen? A few months ago Tali had just been patching fuel lines in the Rayya, but now was thrown in the middle of some big galactic conspiracy.

She was not a heroine, but a regular girl, whose life was quite uneventful and safe. Sometimes she would even describe her life as boring and had even wished to see the world, to see at least some action. Maybe she should have been more careful what she'd wished for, since her wish had now come true. And now that it had, she wished nothing more than to return to that 'boring' and 'uneventful' life she had lived before this.

She lowered her head.

Perhaps you never appreciate the things that you have and perhaps that is what the Pilgrimage is all about; making you appreciate who you are and where you come from. Making you appreciate the good things of the Fleet, like the safety, or the fact that you're never alone. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. She didn't know.

But she knew something: she missed the Fleet terribly. She missed her friends, her father and the safety. She even missed that stupid little fuel line that kept breaking down continuously.

Here she had nothing. No friends, no family and definitely no safety. She was all alone in the big, scary world. It was like in the fairy tales; a helpless, lost girl all alone.

But in the fairy tales, the helpless girl was always saved by a handsome man, who then brings her to his large castle to live with him.

This was not a fairy tale though and nobody was going to come to her rescue, especially some handsome man.

She touched her shoulder and flinched from the pain. It had been a pretty close call the last time. Saren's men had ambushed her and demanded that she'd give them the file. As much as she had wanted to, she couldn't. So many people had died because of this Saren and she couldn't let him get away with it. Not to mention, that they probably would have killed her anyway.

So, she had refused, and they had decided to open fire. She didn't know how she had gotten away, but she had.

Her getaway did have a price though; a bullet to the shoulder. It had hurt so much…

Luckily, she had managed to get to a clinic fast, where her injuries were treated. When shot, time was always essential for quarians; not because of the wound itself, but because of the suit rupture. The bullet may have not been fatal, but the open-air exposure could've still killed her. She had been lucky, and hadn't gotten sick. And her luck hadn't even ended there…

The clinic had been just a small place, only capable of holding a couple of patients at once. It was owned by a human woman called Chloe Michel, a nice person, who had treated Tali with a weird amount of respect. It was weird, because most people treated quarians like second-class citizens, like they carried some plague. True, she had never seen quite that many humans before and the ones she had, hadn't cared about she being a quarian.

Maybe she was prejudiced too?

Anyway, Tali had liked her and hadn't wanted to involve her into the mess, but Michel kept insisting that she could help. Finally, Tali had given up and had told Michel that she needed to find the Shadow Broker, to exchange the information for protection.

Michel had then told Tali that she knew an agent for the Broker. It truly seemed like that Tali's luck was turning. Giving the information to the Shadow Broker was probably the only way to survive, since it was not like that she could just walk into the Alliance embassy and show them the data. Well, actually she could, but it wouldn't help anything. Who'd believe a quarian without any backers to her claim?

And this way, the information would eventually end up in the Alliance's hands.

So, she had met the 'agent' for the Shadow Broker, a man called Fist. Tali had not been impressed; actually, she had been repulsed by the man. Was he the sort of people the Shadow Broker did business with? Even so, she had brushed her feelings aside, since she had no other choice. Fist had then arranged a meeting between her, himself, and the Shadow Broker.

Something still didn't seem quite right with all of this, but she decided to go through with it anyway.

And now she was here, waiting for the Broker. She was starting to get nervous, and her demeanor reflected that. Her hands fidgeted against each other, and she was swaying slightly from side to side. She didn't even know what the Broker looked like, but he, or she, knew what she looked like. The fact made her feel like she was being followed, like she was merely a target for someone to aim at. It was a feeling she'd rather not have experienced, and that feeling made her glance around nervously.

The corridor was dark and empty, since nobody ever came through here. It had a reputation for muggings, so it was no wonder. It was a good place for the Shadow Broker to show himself, since apparently he wanted to keep his identity as secret as possible.

But it would have been pleasant to see someone anyway, to make her feel a little less alone. The only other being in the corridor with her was a keeper, which was working in the corner, doing something incomprehensible to her. Still, even its presence helped somewhat.

At least she wasn't completely alone.

Suddenly, she could see a door closest to her opening. A turian stepped through the door, followed by two salarians. The turian had the most curious face painting she had ever seen, like a human skull. Was this the mighty Shadow Broker? A turian?

"Are you the Shadow Broker?"

"No," the turian answered strictly, still approaching her "Did you bring it?"

What was this turian doing here then? She had requested a meeting with the Shadow Broker, not with one of his agents. And as if that wasn't suspicious enough, someone else was missing too: Fist.

Something was very, very wrong here.

"Where's the Shadow Broker? Where is Fist?"

The turian stopped right in front of her "They'll be here," he put his hand on her cheek, sliding it towards her shoulder. "Where's the evidence?"

She felt disgusted by his touch and immediately slapped his hand away, making the turian take a step back. The turian signaled something to the salarians, who began approaching her, their weapons drawn. She began to glance around, trying to find a quick exit, but could find none. There were only three ways out of the corridor, and one of them was blocked by the two salarians. She'd need to get to one of the doors at the far-ends.

And get there quickly.

It was the same situation like the last time; again she was ambushed and had to flee. She hoped that the same tactic would work again, and it better work, for she didn't know if she could beat them in a fight.

Tali quickly armed a tech mine and threw it towards the salarians, simultaneously cartwheeling towards a cargo crate. The salarians lost their balance and fell down to the ground, giving Tali some time to take cover behind the crate.

"Kill her!" the turian shouted and Tali pulled out her shotgun. The assassins began firing towards her, forcing her to stay down.

That bosh'tet Fist had betrayed her. But why? Wasn't the Shadow Broker a very powerful individual, knowing everything worth knowing? What kind of an offer could Saren have made? Give him even more money than the Shadow Broker? Even if he had, Fist had still created a very powerful enemy for himself. Not a very smart move.

Tali glanced at the door at the far-end of the corridor. There was no way she was getting out this time. She would have to fight.

Her omni-tool opened and she tapped it a couple of times, transferring all the available power to her shields. She then quickly rose up from behind the crate and aimed her shotgun at the assassins.

But the assassins lay on the floor, riddled with bullet holes. She felt her mouth opening in shock. Who had killed them? How she hadn't noticed that?

She took a few steps backwards and bumped into something. She immediately turned towards that something, her shotgun raised.

Tali realized that she was pointing her shotgun at a large krogan. The krogan's eyes narrowed and its lips twisted into a smile. "Don't try it, kid," the krogan growled, pointing his assault rifle at Tali casually.

Now she noticed several others too; three humans and a turian, all of them with their weapons drawn. She kept pointing her shotgun between all of them. She didn't seem to notice anything today. She had made another deadly mistake in just a few seconds.

"Who are you? What do you want?" she asked, trying to sound as menacing as she could. The problem was, that she probably sounded as threatening as, well, a scared little quarian girl…

"Tali'Zorah?" one of the humans asked.

She pointed her shotgun at the human. He was wearing a dark grey armor, with an abbreviation of 'N7' on the chest. Was that some mercenary group? She knew that abbreviation from somewhere, but didn't remember where. "Who are you?"

The human sighed "I'm Commander John Shepard, Systems Alliance military. I'm here for the data." He signaled for his companions to lower their weapons, which they did.

But Tali didn't lower her weapon. She'd been betrayed enough for one lifetime. "I'm sorry if I don't take your word for it," she answered strictly. Was N7 some Alliance Special Forces group? If it was, she still didn't remember.

"If we wanted to kill you, you wouldn't have even noticed," the turian chimed in. He was wearing a bright blue armor, C-Sec's uniform. Was he a police officer? What was a C-Sec officer doing with a krogan and an Alliance soldier? What was going on?

"I-I…" Tali tried to speak, but the words didn't come out. She kept pointing her shotgun between all of them, not knowing if she should trust them. She really didn't feel like trusting anyone, since she had almost been killed a minute ago because of that.

However, these people were not murderous drug dealers…

At least she hoped they weren't.

She sighed in defeat, and lowered her shotgun. "I guess you're right," she muttered, lowering her head as well.

The human named Shepard took a few steps forward, looking towards Tali, eyes slightly narrowed "You all right? You weren't hurt in the fight?"

Tali lifted her head "No. I'm fine, thank you." Now she actually noticed the man's face for the first time; he had a strong jaw, wide cheekbones, and a heavy brow. She'd seen countless faces during her travels, including humans', but somehow this human's face seemed to be special, fascinating.

He even looked handsome to her, which felt extremely weird, for they weren't even the same species. However, humans were quite similar to quarians physically; the both species had a nose, lips and eyes, and all those three were located approximately at the same places as well. So maybe it was not that weird to find humans attractive, but it still felt like it.

"Hey? You still with us?" the human asked, his eyes narrowing more.

Had she been staring? If she had, had he noticed? She felt like she had been observing him like some animal for study. Her cheeks blushed slightly "Sorry."

Now the human's piercing light blue eyes looked straight at hers and it felt like that he could see right through her. His eyes were also very fascinating, maybe the most fascinating part of his face; light blue irises, filled with both hardness and softness at the same time. She felt like she could drown herself into them.

But his stare still felt embarrassing, so she broke eye-contact.

As she had been staring at him, she had completely forgotten about the ambush. She had almost been killed again, yet felt no shock like after the first ambush. Perhaps it was because she hadn't had to kill anyone? Or maybe she was starting to get used to it? She didn't want to get used to it.

Anyway, how had he found her? The only way to found her would have been through Fist, and he couldn't have given her location very easily…

"How did you find me? Did you talk to Fist?" Tali asked Shepard.

A cold expression appeared on Shepard's face "Among other things, yes."

That bosh'tet Fist had first betrayed her, and now he had betrayed Saren too. He really did not seem to understand the meaning of loyalty, but considering recent events, it was probably a good thing, at least for her. Even so, Tali still hoped that something bad had happened to him and judging Shepard's words, and demeanor, something had. "Is he dead? What happened?"

"I killed him," the krogan answered, causing Tali to turn towards him.

"A-are you sure? He's surely dead? He's not coming back?"

The krogan started to chuckle "If he does, he comes back without a head."

"Oh…" The image of Fist's headless body surged into her mind, and she was disgusted by it. Yes, she had hoped that something would happen to him, but maybe this was a little too much. Still, it was probably for the best, as this way he couldn't hurt anyone anymore. She lowered her head back down again "Well, I guess there are two things then that I need to thank you for."

Shepard brushed her off "Don't worry about it."

"Maybe we should take her to the embassy, Commander?" one other human, a male one, suggested. His hair, eye and skin color were somewhat darker than Commander Shepard's, whose hair was light brown, skin white and eyes light blue. They looked largely different, but there were similarities as well, like his jaw, which was wide, like Shepard's. However, the differences between the two were much more noticeable; in addition to having different colored eyes, the human's eyes also were slightly narrower than Shepard's, as were his cheekbones.

Humans were so diverse, when compared to any other species…

Again she was staring! She turned her head away, blushing again, and began to think about what the man had just said. Was she going to see the Presidium? It was probably the first time in 300 years that a quarian visited that beautiful place. She felt quite privileged. Quarians were usually allowed as little freedoms as possible while on the Citadel, which basically meant denying their access to the more 'higher-class places', like the Presidium.

"You're right. We should go there. Udina probably wants to see this anyway," Shepard agreed, nodding.

As the rest of their group started moving towards a door at the far-end, something struck her.

A young, lost girl, saved by a handsome man.

Just like in the fairy tales.

It was such a beautiful thought, that it made her smile.

Shepard stopped and turned towards her "Are you coming?"

Maybe her Pilgrimage would take a turn for the better now. At least it seemed to.

"Yes," she answered, jogging to catch up.


	2. The Elevator

**All right, here's the second one. And I even got a beta-reader, that doesn't try to dodge me! Woo!**

**No more grammatical errors! Muahaha!**

**Give a round of applauds for my beta, Robert Falcon...****  
**

* * *

A falling sensation, like all her strength has been drained. Her knees buckle, and she forces herself to stay on her feet. She stops walking, a sudden realization sinking in; she had almost died a moment ago. The event now runs through her mind: The mine; the cartwheel; pulling out her shotgun; rising up from behind the crate; seeing the dead enemies; turning around; the krogan; the human; the turian; the another human. The shock had not been missing; it had been there, and now had left. Now she completely realizes her situation.

Saren. He is still chasing her, trying to kill her. How could she ever be safe again? How could this human soldier be any different? Could even the Alliance protect her?

"Wait!" she hears someone shout. The voice sounds distant, like the yeller was far, far away. The memories of the fight keep flashing in her mind, drowning all her senses.

'_Tali'Zorah…Tali'Zorah…Tali'Zorah_,' a voice calls to her, still distant. She sees faces speaking to her, but they are all blurred, as if under water.

The voice continues calling to her and begin to sound sharper, and sharper, and sharper… Now the voice is very clear, as are the faces. The four faces are…over her? She now realized that she lies on the floor. The dark human is shaking her gently.

"She's awaking up, Commander," he says, glancing at Shepard. The Commander is on the left side, while the dark one is on the right. There is also the human woman, as well as the turian.

"W-what…?" Tali mumbles, trying to speak, but her body doesn't obey her. Did she hit her head as she fell? Why did she even faint like that? Hopefully she didn't hurt herself, for it would be ironic to survive two gunfights, but then get hurt while walking. She feels like a little, helpless girl again. A stupid little girl.

"You fell. Are you hurt?" Shepard asks, his eyes slightly narrowed, brow slightly wrinkled.

"I…I-I don't think so," now she regains control over her body, and starts to feel pain in her hip and elbow; probably the places that crashed to the ground the hardest. The pain is not very intense though, so the fall probably didn't cause any serious damage, or at least she hopes so.

She tries to sit up, but then Shepard speaks, pushing her gently back down: "Don't move, let Alenko examine you first."

"I'm okay," Tali mumbles, ignoring him, and keeps trying to sit up.

Shepard pushes her down more strongly this time. "Don't. Move," he repeats himself, with a stricter tone this time.

"I'm really okay," Tali mutters, but doesn't try to get up anymore. Maybe someone should examine her, just in case. She just feels so weak, so useless. The humans are probably thinking it amazing that she had even survived this far. She sure does wonder that herself…

"Kaidan?" Shepard half-asks, half-orders the dark human, and Kaidan nods.

"Do you feel pain in anywhere?" the dark human, apparently named Alenko Kaidan or Kaidan Alenko, asks. Human names were weird; you couldn't know where they were from or where they lived. It must be confusing and lonely to not have a sense of belonging, to not have a tightly knit community. You're just…just another human. Quarians are always part of a larger whole, like she was part of the Rayya, or the Zorah family. To be just a quarian, a vas nedas, a nar tasi, was the greatest insult among them; a child of no-one, the crew of nowhere. Put simply: Nobody wants you.

"Miss Zorah?" Alenko Kaidan askes, his eyes narrowing. She had apparently again fallen deeply into her thoughts…Was she still so out of it, that she couldn't even pay attention?

Now the pain reminds her of its existence. The hip and elbow aches again. "I'm sorry. Please do."

"I will, but does it hurt anywhere?" he asks softly.

"Oh…" she mutters in embarrassment. Apparently she was still so out of it… "Well, the right elbow hurts, as well as in the left hip."

He places his hands on her hurt hip, and begins pressing the bone with his hands. "Does this hurt?" he asks, and as Tali shakes her head, he presses harder. He repeats the question several times, and after each head-shake, he moves his hands to a slightly different place. The whole examination takes only a few seconds, and then Alenko Kaidan puts his hands on her elbow. He carefully begins to extend it. "Say if this hurts," he informs, and Tali nods. He extends the arm, but Tali doesn't feel any more pain than now. "Try to move the arm a little," he orders, and Tali extends the arm.

Alenko Kaidan gets up "She's fine," he informs Shepard, and Shepard nods.

"You can get up now," Shepard says, offering his hand to Tali. "Can you?"

"Yes," she answers, taking his hand. He pulls her back to her feet, but she still feels a little shaky. "I'm sorry."

"It's all right. Most people wouldn't even be standing after all you went through," Shepard chuckles, probably trying to make her feel a little better. It works, sort of, but she still doesn't feel particularly good.

Tali lowers her head "I wasn't standing," she mutters.

"Well, you are now," Shepard remarks, pointing at her feet. His eyebrows are raised and he is looking mildly amused. "Speaking of which; you ready to continue?"

"I think so…"

* * *

The group walks towards the nearest elevator to the Presidium. The Wards are always full of people, and usually it's difficult to move forward quickly, but having a large krogan tagging along helps a lot; everyone gives you room, and if they don't, the krogan merely has to growl once to clear the path. Because of that, their pace is quite quick, much to Tali's liking. She really doesn't want to spend any more time in these crowded areas than absolutely needed. She looks around, and wonders if the assassins are still after her; perhaps that turian in the corner is one, using his omni-tool for something malevolent; perhaps that salarian in front of one of the kiosks; perhaps that krogan leaning against the wall.

She sees assassins everywhere, and again, the two near-death experiences of hers start to flash through her mind. She feels like falling down again, but then hands grab her; the turian's and Shepards. They drag her through one door and the crowds disappear.

She immediately starts to feel much better, and feels the strength returning into her legs. "I'm sorry," she mutters again, as Shepard and the turian let go off her.

"You see flashes of those two ambushes?" Shepard asks her.

"Y-yes. H-how did you know?" Tali asks stutteringly. He can't read minds, can he? If he could, it would be quite embarrassing.

"You have post-traumatic stress," Alenko Kaidan chimes in. "It's perfectly normal. You'll get medical attention as soon as possible."

"Oh," now Tali remembers hearing something like that in one of the pre-Pilgrimage lessons. Weird that it hadn't crossed her mind before, but even if it had, what would it have helped?

Medical attention… 'Talking about the traumatic event helps,' the teacher of the lesson had told them. Talk with who? With a therapist?

Shepard calls the elevator and turns to Tali. "So, Tali'Zorah nar Raman…"

Tali chuckles lightly, the dark thoughts about her condition vanishing "It's actually nar Rayya, and please, just call me Tali."

Shepard chuckles lightly as well "Sorry. Humans only have two names."

"So do quarians," Tali answers, still chuckling. " 'Nar Rayya' only means 'a child of the Rayya'. After Pilgrimage, the title changes to 'vas'. Like 'vas Neema', which means 'the crew of the Neema'."

"Cool. So it tells of your origins?"

"It's more than that. Every ship has their unique culture and customs, so it tells more of person than you'd…" she begins eagerly, but then decides to cut herself off. She does like to share stories about her people, and hear of others' as well, but now she just feels that it sounds childish. Like child's enthusiasm. She lowers her head in embarrassment. "Sorry. You probably don't need a lesson in quarian culture."

"I think it's pretty interesting," Shepard admits, shrugging.

Her head rises "You do?" Strange to find a soldier, who wants to know about stuff other than how to kill someone…

"Yeah. It's good to know stuff," he shrugs and pauses, before continuing: "So… you're probably on your Pilgrimage, which is the rite of passage, right? And you're supposed to find something valuable for the Fleet?"

Now her eyes narrow and she tilts her head. A soldier who not only is interested, but also knows of the quarians? What a strange thing…Most soldiers she'd met could barely name the solar system they were stationed in. What a strange thing…And a strange man… "Y-you know about the quarians?"

Shepard chuckles "Like I said, it's good to know stuff. Then I can say stuff like that and make myself sound smart."

Tali chuckles as well, but doesn't find anything especially funny to say after that. She decides to continue the culture lesson: "What is it that you asked? About the Pilgrimage?" she asks, and Shepard nods. "Yes, I'm on my Pilgrimage, as the title 'nar' can tell you…" She is interrupted by the elevator arriving.

* * *

"How long have you been out here? As in been on your Pilgrimage?" Shepard asks, as they both step inside the elevator.

"I've been on the Citadel for only a few days, but my whole Pilgrimage has lasted for a few months now."

Shepard nods, but doesn't follow up with anymore questions. Tali feels slightly disappointed; she would have liked to share even more of her travels. Oh well.

They all stand in silence for a moment, then the krogan breaks it by chuckling loudly. "This is probably the first time they see a krogan in the Presidium."

"Remember to leave a good first impression," the turian mutters.

"Probably shouldn't. A good first impression by krogan standards usually means that someone dies…"

The krogans line shuts everyone up, and again they stand in silence. This time, Tali breaks it. "Forgive the impertinence, Commander, but your group is quite strange."

Shepard shrugs and chuckles "Strange, world-saving heroes. That's us." He turns towards the krogan, pointing towards him with his thumb: "He's Wrex." The krogan nods rigidly. Then Shepard points at the turian "Garrus Vakarian," the turian nods as well, but not so rigidly. "Chief Ashley Williams," Shepard points towards the human female, who nods too.

"And you're Alenko Kaidan?" Tali asks, turning towards Kaidan.

Alenko Kaidan chuckles "Actually it's Kaidan Alenko…"

"Oh, sorry," Tali mutters and lowers her head. Again she made a fool out of herself; first she fainted twice, and now this. Was this the brave quarian girl, who survived two Saren's ambushes? A socially awkward, continuously fainting little girl…She feels her cheeks blushing again, hoping that she hasn't insulted Kaidan.

Apparently Alenko Kai—Kaidan Alenko notices her embarrassment, since he continues, still chuckling: "You can call me Alenko Kaidan if you like, or Lieutenant Alenko, or just Alenko, or just Kaidan."

Tali chuckles, feeling much better: "All right, Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko."

"Or that," Kaidan chuckles.

"So…" Shepard chimes in "Now that we are such good friends, you mind showing us the Saren evidence?"

"Well, I guess that's what you're here for…" Tali answers, tapping her omni-tool, and suddenly Saren's voice fills the elevator. He tells about his attack on Eden Prime and of the Conduit, and after him, the female voice tells about the Reapers.

"Who's the female?" Garrus Vakarian asks.

Wrex shrugs "A future corpse."

The krogan seemed to be rather single-minded, but considering krogan species in general, that wasn't exactly a surprise. Hopefully he was one of the calmer ones…At least he had been calm thus far… Tali hoped that there even were 'calmer krogan'…

"What are those Reaper–thingies?" Chief Williams asks, frowning "Or that Conduit?"

"According to the geth's memory core, the Reapers were some kinds of highly advanced synthetics. The geth believe that they wiped out the Protheans, and then vanished," Tali answers.

"Wait…The geth's memory core? Where did you get this data?" Kaidan asks her.

Tali then told the whole group how she found out about the geth venturing beyond the Perseus Veil, and how she got curious. Then she had rented a shuttle, and followed the reports of geth sightings; causing her to find a single patrol on an uncharted world. The patrol had scattered, and Tali had managed to surprise one of the geth; she had disabled it quickly, and managed to download something from its audio banks. Then she had simply slipped away.

"That's pretty crazy," Kaidan says, frowning.

"It may sound like that, but we, the quarians, know the geth. We know how to fight them and how to disable them. It's been the sole focus of our military training for the last 300 years," she defends herself, shrugging, but then lowers her head. "But I guess it was reckless. I was just so curious…If I had found something valuable for the fleet, my Pilgrimage would have been over." Considering what had happened lately, it had been very stupid. She had almost been killed twice for the data…But if she hadn't found the data, Shepard couldn't use it against Saren.

But this made her realize something: She didn't even know what the Commander was going to do with it. They were going towards the embassies, towards the Presidium. Were they going to show it to the Council, or handle Saren by themselves?

No, they couldn't. If Saren was trying to destroy the galaxy with these Reapers, it was bigger than the Alliance. They needed the Council.

Oh Keelah…Was she going to have to speak to them?

Her thoughts were interrupted by the krogan: "Reckless? Hmph. It's only reckless if it fails."

"I…I guess you're right," Tali admits. She hadn't ever imagined saying those words to a krogan…Then again, his words were also pretty smart for a krogan. Maybe she was more prejudiced than she thought ? She knew that it surely did hurt her, when people wouldn't even give her a chance because of her species. Maybe she should give the krogan a chance?

"The vision…" Shepard mutters, looking very contemplative. He glances around after saying the word, probably surprised that he blurted it out. He continues then with a normal tone: "I saw synthetics killing organics…Was it about the Reapers destroying the Protheans?"

"I don't know Commander…" Kaidan says, shaking his head "It's a little hard to believe. Saren's trying to destroy the galaxy? Isn't he a Spectre? A good guy?"

"Good guys don't try to kill masses of civilians, Lieutenant, and the bastard admitted it himself on the tape. Good enough for me," Ashley retorts.

"Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, Chief," Alenko answers quietly, lowering his head.

Quite a strange reaction…Of course, Tali didn't know Kaidan almost at all, but what she had gathered, he seemed to be quite level-headed. Then why does he say that? Like he accepts what Saren had done?

"Excuse me?" Williams snaps, interrupting Tali's thoughts. She looks very angry.

Kaidan raises his head, looking puzzled. The expression fades away though, and is replaced by…realization? What did he realize?

"Look, Ash, I didn't me—"

Williams shakes her head "Just shut up…sir."

Kaidan does as she orders, and stays quiet. He does look incredibly uncomfortable though.

Ashley Williams, on the other hand, looks very angry…and upset. Tali wonders if Williams knew someone from Eden Prime?

"It'll probably be pretty hard to convince the Council," Garrus chimes in, interrupting both the awkward moment, and Tali's thoughts. "What do we even have? A voice recording, a vision and little data from some geth's memory core; not exactly something I'd call solid evidence."

"Well, at least this proves that he attacked Eden Prime," Shepard says "If nothing else."

"What vision?" Tali asks, glancing around. She didn't understand any of this…

Before Shepard could answer, the elevator arrived to the Presidium.

* * *

**R&R!**

**Don't make me come there! *points at YOU***


	3. The Tower

**Hello to all my readers! (Yes. All two of you.)**

**I know you're dying to read this, but first I must thank my beta-reader, Robert Falcon, again. He's been helping me in my never ending fight against grammatical errors and clumsy writing. Thanks and kiitos.  
**

**Remember to review...  
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**And...action!**

* * *

'_What about her? The quarian?_'

The quarian…It is strange how only a few words could affect one like this; to make someone feel so bad, so unwelcome. All the stares, remarks and jostles she had had to endure had flashed through her mind as she had heard the words. It felt like being back in Council Space again, where everyone seemed to despise her species. She had thought that the humans would be different, and they were, but maybe some of them were not…

There was reason for joy too, although the remark had done much to dilute her delight… She was now part of something very big, definitely bigger than her: Shepard's quest against Saren. Although the fact that she was now part of this brought her a great deal of joy, Chief Williams's remark had pretty much soured it. The quarian...Tali did not know if Williams had meant her remark as she took it, but by the tone of her voice it seemed to be so. It was the same tone she had heard countless times before; disdaining, loathing and downplaying.

Although all of them made her feel terrible, it was the downplaying that hurt the most. Probably because it was true; she was quite helpless. She had barely gotten away from Saren's thugs, almost losing her life both times. And her lack of tolerance for stress didn't help much either…Her fainting must have made her seem like a weakling. Perhaps that was what she was? A weakling? But if she was, why would Shepard take her with him? Out of pity?

There was another thing about the remark had hurt too, maybe even as much as the downplaying. The meeting with the ambassador had been driving towards one major event; her acceptance into Shepard's team. Of course, the main reason was to allow the ambassador to see the evidence, but at least part of the meeting was about her. Shepard had been looking for allies. But the remark…It was as if the meaning of it was to ridicule such a thing; 'How could someone take a quarian with him?' While she didn't agree with the quarian part of it, she agreed with the rest; why would Shepard take her with him? "Out of pity?" she asked herself once more…

Tali snorted. Maybe he thought that she could hurt herself while walking to the witness protection program?

The cheer her little joke brought vanished as quickly as it came. She realized it was not actually a joke. It was the truth. She had fainted twice after the ambush, and was lucky to not have hurt herself. Maybe that's why Shepard brought her with him? To not hurt her feelings, because she could, oh Keelah, faint again.

Another joke. She seemed to be quite funny inside her head, at least for the moment. She chuckled quietly.

But chuckling had not been the reaction she had had after the remark. It had been anger. She was not just "a quarian", but a proud quarian. And she had a name, which she was sure Chief Williams knew. Why couldn't she just use it? Why did she have to make her feel so unwanted?

Williams had been a little taken back by her outburst, and Tali had decided to keep up the momentum; she had told Shepard how she knew the Geth, and how she had already fought Saren's men and prevailed. She would have kept going, but Shepard had interrupted her:

"_You don't have to try and impress me. I'm not that stupid to turn away help when offered," _he had said, grinning.

The memory of the words made her chuckle quietly again. He was such a strange man for a soldier.

But the remark…It kept haunting her, making her feel so unwelcome. It was the most uncomfortable feeling.

And that she would probably have to talk to the Council didn't help much either. Maybe they expected her to give a some kind of speech? Talk about her findings, about Saren and the Geth? To answer difficult questions? Giving a public speech was definitely not one of her favorite things to do, although she was not sure if it was to be public. Maybe the meeting was one of those secret ones? With no audience? The thought made her feel a bit better, but still the idea of giving a speech, public or not, was not very pleasant. Tali liked to understand things, not influence them. She preferred to be small and unnoticeable, rather than the center of attention. She liked to remain in the background, fixing things, making sure things work; doing the, so called, thankless work. Definitely not giving speeches, or answering complicated questions…

"The Council's not gonna ask me any questions, are they?" Ashley Williams queried, voicing Tali's thoughts.

"You really don't like questions?" Shepard asked, raising an eyebrow at Williams. "You asked the same thing the last time we were here."

"Don't have a problem with questions, sir," Williams replied "Just answering them."

"Well, did they ask you any questions the last time?"

"No they didn't, sir."

"Then why would they now?" Shepard remarked sarcastically.

Williams shrugged. She didn't answer.

Indifference was not something Tali felt; she was very relieved. If the Council hadn't asked any questions before, they probably wouldn't now, either.

The elevator arrived. They were at the top of the Citadel Tower.

…

Tali had been so wrapped up in her own problems that she hadn't had time to think about their destination; the Citadel Tower, heart of the Council's galactic power. This was the place the Council 'ruled' the galaxy from. She had always thought the Tower to be some kind of a magical place, so the reality was a bit disappointing. Sure, the Tower was extremely amazing and beautiful, but it just didn't live up to her expectations. Maybe she had just been expecting too much? She didn't actually even know what she had expected; only that she was a little disappointed.

It was the same feeling she had had on the Presidium. The Presidium was very beautiful, even stunning, but it just wasn't that special. Maybe she had been expecting more because her people had been barred from there? There definitely had been a shroud of mysticism surrounding the place, for it must have been something special if they weren't allowed access. The few remaining stories about the Presidium didn't help either, since all of them described it as a paradise; very calming, relaxing and beautiful. Some stories even described its calm atmosphere as magical; when you stepped inside, your mind simply emptied before all the beauty, you just couldn't think about anything else.

She did agree with the most of them; it was truly a marvelous place, certainly living up to the stories. The calmness of the atmosphere was something she had never experienced before; it was truly wondrous. Most of the shapes were round, calming. A few sharp angles could be seen as well, but they fit in perfectly. The colors were very light, almost sterile, but the clusters of trees broke that feeling. It created a sharp, but still somehow calming contrast; _'This is where we came from; this is where we are now.' _The almost complete silence was the final touch.

In addition to having a calming effect, the nature reminded Tali of home. The Migrant Fleet had plenty of flora from the Homeworld onboard, but unlike on the Citadel, they weren't simply for decoration; some produced fruits or berries, some vegetables, and some medical ingredients. Sure, some plants or small trees were used for decoration, but their purpose was not to make the Fleet ships look more pretty, but to create calmness, comfort. Seeing as nature had a calming effect on most species, quarians among them, decorating their ships with flora helped to create more comfortable, secure and soothing atmosphere on the Fleet.

So yes, sure, the Presidium was amazing, but there was something about it that the stories didn't mention… In addition to beautiful and calming, there was also one other adjective perfect to describe the Presidium; wasteful. All the empty space, the lake, the nature… To maintain them must cost a terrifying amount of resources! It was as if the Council wished to boast their wealth, to demonstrate their power. How many Fleet ships could be supported for a month with the daily expenses of the Presidium? It was sad how unequal the distribution of wealth was; the Council had so much, and the quarians had so little…

Tali's focus returned to the world around her; she noticed some kind of a checkpoint beyond the elevator. It was manned by two turians, wearing similar uniforms to the one Garrus had. The eyes of the guard on the left went wide as the group of five approached them, while the other guard kept reading a magazine. Apparently Tali, Wrex and Garrus Vakarian seemed fascinating to the left guard; he kept staring at all three of them.

"Garrus," the left guard said, "What the hell kind of people are you hanging around with?" He gave Tali and Wrex a look. Not maybe one of disgust, but of disbelief.

"With the kind of people who're gonna do something about Saren," Garrus retorted.

The guard chuckled. "Right, your Saren-obsession."

Obsession? Wonder why the guard would use such a term?

Garrus lowered his head slightly. "Yeah, obsession. That's what it is…" he replied tiredly.

The guard's mandibles flickered. "It's not? Haven't you even been trying to nail him on your personal time, too? What do you call that? Healthy enjoyment of ones work?"

Garrus had been trying to catch Saren on his personal time? That would explain why he was with Shepard; he wanted to catch Saren…But why would a turian care about a human colony? These 'squadmates' of hers seemed to be quite extraordinary; or strange, depending on your viewpoint…

"I call that caring. Nobody else seemed to care that he had betraye—"

The guard interrupted him, moving his hand to imitate speech. "Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, 'betrayed the Council and is a disgrace to our people'. I've heard the damn speech too many times, Garrus. It's getting old."

"Don't worry; you don't have to hear about it anymore. We have proof," Garrus snapped. His posture had stiffened considerably, and his mandibles were moving quietly; he looked to be quite annoyed with the guard.

"We?" the guard asked, chuckling again. "So you've found a couple of nut—"

"You might wanna check up my credentials before you finish that sentence," Shepard interrupted him, eyes slightly narrowed.

The turian guard glared at Shepard for a second, but then started tapping at the terminal. After a moment, a quiet beep could be heard, and the surprise could clearly be seen on the guard's face. "Y-You're here to see the Council, Commander?"

"Yes. Me and these…" Shepard glanced at Garrus, Wrex and Tali. "…nutjobs."

"I apologize, Commander. I didn't know it was you."

"Just let us in already. You've wasted enough of our time," Shepard snapped.

The guard glanced at Tali and Wrex again. "I'm not sure if I should let the krogan and the quarian pass." He put his hands behind his back, and began talking with his 'official' voice: "The Council wishes to avoid any incidents. I'm sure you understand."

Again, the racism… Even though Tali had already gotten used to it, it still felt as bad as it did the first time. Were her people barbarians, who'd just attack everyone who doesn't agree with them? Maybe the Council treated the quarians badly, but quarians definitely wouldn't sink to their level.

"They're not gonna cause trouble," Shepard retorted.

The guard sighed, and gave Shepard a data pad: "Please sign this, and state the purpose of their visit. It will make you responsible for all their actions."

Shepard turned at Wrex and Tali: "You two are going to behave?"

"Y-yes, sure. Definitely," Tali stuttered, and Wrex growled quietly. That was a joke, yes? She was definitely not someone who'd start trouble with anyone, least of all the Council, and she hoped that Shepard hadn't gotten that impression. Well, maybe that wasn't exactly true; yes, she wouldn't start trouble, but neither would she just watch someone insult her people. Chief Williams had remarked about her being 'a quarian' and she had immediately fired back, which she would do again, but it may have given the impression of her being quite temperate, rash. Maybe Shepard thought that she couldn't control herself in front of the Council? If they'd insult the quarian people in some way, or say something she could interpret as an insult…

And the fact that she had actually pointed a gun at him, at all of her present comrades, couldn't have been too helpful either… Maybe he thought that she was hasty? Reckless? She had also told about her adventures to get intel on the geth… Looking back now, it had been extremely reckless…

Or maybe it was a joke? Most of the things Shepard said were, at least till now. But she'd only known him for two hours, and you couldn't exactly get to know someone in such a short time…

Shepard chuckled lightly, and began writing something to the data pad. After a few moments, he gave the pad back to the guard, whose eyes began traveling through it. At one point, his eyes went wide.

"This is an official document!" he exclaimed, now looking at the Commander. The turian guard looked to be quite outraged.

"And those are my official answers," Shepard replied matter-of-factly.

The guard looked at the other guard, who had been reading a magazine the whole time: "You see this?" He showed the pad to his partner.

The other guard took a look at the pad, his eyes traveling through it as well. He chuckled twice, and turned back to the magazine: "Funny."

The guard kept looking at the pad, seemingly uncertain of what to do. Shepard then apparently decided to help him: "Just let us in. Those are the best answers you'll get."

The guard shook his head, sighed, and opened the small gate of the checkpoint.

Wonder what Shepard had written on the pad, that it invoked such a reaction? The guard still seemed to be quite upset.

As the team walked through the gate, the guard kept glaring at Tali, Garrus, and Wrex.

…

"What was that about, skipper?" Ashley Williams asked the Commander, again voicing Tali's thoughts.

Shepard shrugged: "Just something I wrote."

"And what's that?" Williams kept pressing.

Shepard chuckled uncomfortably before speaking: "I don't know if it's really funny, but I just put something pretty weird as Tali's and Wrex's visit's purpose…"

Williams raised an eyebrow at him: "You're really dragging this on, sir."

Shepard chuckled twice "Sorry." He cleared his throat, and continued: "I, uh, wrote that Tali was my personal food taster and Wrex my housemaid, and that it was impossible for me to go before the Council without them."

Tali frowned and grinned at the same time. A food taster? Even the idea of a quarian being someone's food taster was absurd, because if a quarian would eat the same food as his master, he would, you know, die. Guess this one was one of those, you know, jokes.

Oh Keelah… Now she realized how tired she actually was; surviving the attack on her life, running around the Citadel, and meeting a lot of new, strange people… She even had trouble recognizing clear jokes. Tali felt like falling down and sleeping for days, now that she actually could. After all, she didn't need to watch her back by herself anymore. Her newfound squad would probably take care of that…

"Smart thinking, sir; can never know when you need a housemaid or a food taster," Williams replied, with a barely noticeable smile on her face.

"Well said, Chief," Kaidan Alenko remarked to Williams, who turned at him and gave him one of those 'shut up' –looks. Alenko immediately obliged. Now Tali remembered the little argument Alenko and Williams had had in the elevator; it had been something about the attack on Eden Prime being somehow justifiable. Ashley Williams hadn't quite agreed with Alenko, and Tali had wondered why. Maybe she had lost someone close in the attack? That would probably explain her remark about her being "a quarian"; she was angry at her people for creating the geth…

Tali lowered her head.

It was unfortunate, but she didn't blame Williams; sometimes Tali was angry at her ancestors too. They had created the geth, and their descendants are still paying for that mistake. Living aboard the Flotilla, not having a home, then having all the hate, distrust and anger targeted against them, although they were not the ones responsible.

It was unfair, but so was everything else.

Maybe Tali should talk to her? Not at that moment, but maybe later? Talking was the way quarians handled their problems; living inside the cramped ships forced everyone to get along, so quarians were very social creatures. That didn't mean that they liked talking, but rather that they were, and are, quick to offer support. "No secrets between shipmates" is a quarian proverb, symbolizing this trust between the members of the crews. But maybe humans did things differently? "The most individualistic of all Council species," she remembered some brochure or something saying. Perhaps they liked to handle things on their own?

Oh Keelah… Not everyone did things the way quarians did, and she shouldn't make such judgments. Again she felt so tired…

The team went on to sit on a few benches; it was still a few minutes before the meeting began. They sat there for while, and Tali noticed Kaidan throwing looks at Garrus, as if wanting to ask him something.

Apparently, he managed to gather enough courage, since Alenko began speaking to him:"You knew that guy from the gate, Garrus?"

Garrus lowered his head, like he didn't want to recall the event: "Yeah, that was Sergeant Blandus, my former co-worker."

"Sounds like he didn't appreciate your thoughts on Saren," Kaidan Alenko remarked.

"Yeah, he didn't. Neither did most of them. They said I was obsessed, I said I was right," he raised his head up again. "Wish I could see their faces after the meeting."

Now the high-ranking human officer, Anderson, arrived. He signaled for the team to follow him.

…


	4. The Ship

**All right, folks! Chapter three.**

**You did pretty well with the review -part the last time, so how about again? Make me feel happy again? I'll hurt you if you don't...**

**Thanks to Robert Falcon, my beta, and brother-in-arms in the war against misspells, foolishness, and crappy writing. The guy spotted some big errors in this, which led to improvement...**

**Hopefully improved enough to be good for you folks:**

**Update, 24.5. **

**Went through the chapter again with my beta, and made changes to make this more fluent. Content-wise, it's the same chapter, but the narrative has been changed quite a lot to make it crisper, sharper. Thanks RF, who did the most of that job...  
**

* * *

Tali wasn't sure if it was the repetitive music or simply the frequency of the elevator rides, but she was really starting to dislike them. Sure, quarians enjoyed music, but the stuff they played in the elevators was hardly something she'd bring back to the Flotilla… or listen to by choice… Though it didn't exactly help that she was surrounded by strangers, including a krogan and at least one person who didn't particularly seem to like her…

This had to be the most uncomfortable day she'd yet had in her life.

And if that weren't enough, a third thing helped to bring her mood down was the meeting with the Council. The Council hadn't wanted to believe her evidence, and although they didn't say it out loud, Tali knew it was because she was quarian. Her people had a reputation of being thieves, liars and beggars. She hated to admit it, but there was some small truth to it. Some of her people had stolen or begged during their Pilgrimages, but only if there was no other choice! Were they supposed to starve to death, just to prove these accusations false?

It was very hard for quarians to find any work; trade unions usually pressed companies to not hire quarians, because they worked for low wages and didn't belong to these 'unions'. Quarians had little choice but to work for low wages; they had no formal education, since being educated within the Migrant Fleet was not very prestigious. They were willing to, because quarians on their Pilgrimages needed money desperately, more so than members of any other species. Suit repairs, suit patches, purified food, antibiotics, herbs...there were countless things that quarians needed just to survive.

But, gladly, the Council had yielded, for they had no other choice; there was just too much evidence for them to simply sweep this under the carpet. Saren was declared a traitor, and all actions would be taken to bring him in to answer for his crimes.

Tali snorted.

It became quickly apparent that the Council would not actually do anything. The human ambassador had suggested that the Citadel Fleet could be brought into the Traverse, to keep the geth from attacking. Of course, the Council had disagreed; they wouldn't risk a war with the Terminus Systems over a few human colonies. There was obviously one similarity between humans and quarians; the way Council treated them both. 'Over a few human colonies'... It was clear that the Council didn't care about those that couldn't somehow benefit them. It made Tali wonder if this was what the asari had had in mind, when they had founded the Council...

The meeting had reached an impasse; what little the Council would offer was not enough for the Alliance. Luckily, the asari councilor had came up with something; accepting Shepard into the Spectres. Tali had had no idea that he was a Spectre candidate, but after the way his team had dispatched those assassins, it did make sense. The suggestion had been supported by the Alliance and by the salarian councilor as well, but the turian one had disagreed. He said that it would be irresponsible to make someone with such a spotty record a Spectre. Tali hadn't, and still didn't, know what he had meant by spotty record, but the atmosphere of the meeting clearly became more hostile.

Shepard had looked very uncomfortable and annoyed, as if he wanted say something, but managed to control himself.

The Council started an intense debate, switching off their microphones. It was clear that the salarian and the asari were against the turian. Turian apparently yielded, since after they reactivated their microphones, he agreed with their decision to give Shepard all the special privileges and rights of a Spectre. Just a few more words, and it was done. Shepard was now a Spectre. It was a little disappointing, but then again, so was almost everything else about the Citadel... Tali had expected some kind of a crowning ceremony, but had only gotten a few words.

But as she had learned, especially that day, was that you don't always get what you wish. Or in her case, almost anything that you wish...

The elevator arrived. She would see the Normandy in a few seconds.

…

The Normandy. Tali had heard about the ship in the news; she was some kind of stealth vessel, capable of remaining hidden from all sensors. It was amazing; not even the quarians had managed to make such a vessel, although they were probably the best mechanics and engineers in the galaxy. Could it be possible that humans were even better? They had defeated the 'invincible' turian fleet in battle... Anyway, the news she had seen had told of the Normandy's capabilities, but there was something they hadn't mentioned; that the ship was very beautiful, very streamlined. It was no wonder that there had been such a hype surrounding it, and Tali couldn't wait to get on-board to see everything inside.

Her comrades weren't so excited, though...

"Hmmh," Wrex snorted, glancing around the docks. "Wonder who the humans had to bend over for to get this place..." His gaze kept traveling around the dock, before stopping at the Normandy. He kept staring the ship for a few seconds, as if weighing her. "Hmmh," he snorted again. "Nice ship though."

"Suitable for your highness?" Shepard asked the krogan, with a barely noticeable smirk on his face.

Apparently the krogan caught the joke, since he chuckled with his deep and hoarse voice. "It'll do."

Suddenly the Normandy's hatch slid open, and out came the ambassador and Captain Anderson. "Shepard, Alenko, Williams. Could you please step inside?" the ambassador asked them, and glanced at the aliens for a split second. Shepard hesitated for a moment, but then nodded and stepped inside the ship, followed by Alenko and Williams.

Was there a reason for this secrecy? Was it about them, the aliens? The ambassador couldn't order Shepard to leave them, but maybe he could persuade him to do so. If that was his aim, she hoped he wouldn't succeed... Tali wanted to see the Normandy, wanted to see the galaxy, wanted to help, and most importantly; wanted to survive. Saren was probably still hunting her, and she didn't have a chance on her own. Tali wasn't even sure if even the Alliance could keep her safe. The only chance she saw was on the Normandy.

The krogan didn't seem to be quite so worried; he lumbered towards the elevator, and sat down against the nearby wall. If anything, he just looked annoyed, but then again krogan almost always looked like that...

The turian, Garrus Vakarian, was pacing along the dock's platform, eyes fixed at the Normandy. "I'd love see what the Normandy could do in fight," he said, probably to no one in particular.

But after a moment, Tali realized that he was staring at her inquiringly. Tali was little surprised; she had already gotten so used to being ignored, that she didn't expect anyone to ask for her opinion anymore. It took her a moment to collect herself, and in that time the expression on the turian's face gained a puzzled look, in addition to questioning. He probably thought that she was dim-witted, or trying to ignore him...

She tried to prove him wrong: "W-well, the Normandy is a stealth vessel, not a dreadnought."

Garrus turned back to the Normandy again, seemingly satisfied that she hadn't ignored him: "Yeah, and that's what I mean. The stealth adds a completely new tactical level to combat; ambushes, flanking maneuvers..."

As Tali saw the flaw in his argument, she could feel becoming more confident. She always liked to talk; to share her knowledge, and gain new knowledge. It was useful, and fun. Well, it was fun until she had to speak to more than one, and when that happened, she became overly self-conscious and careful to not make any mistakes. And once you start to do that, you do make mistakes...And once you make one...

But now she wasn't talking to many, only to one: "Maybe, but it should be tested thoroughly. I wouldn't want to be on-board if the stealth system fails... "

Garrus turned back to her, but now looking slightly surprised. Maybe he thought that she would agree with him? "There are simulators..."

Tali's confidence grew, and her voice changed to the 'expert' one of hers. "Yes, but simulators are not real, they can be inaccurate. I wouldn't rely on them completely."

Garrus was starting to look a little annoyed, now that he was losing the argument: "Maybe it should be tested live then, after those simulations."

Tali frowned slightly, as she answered: "It would be quite hard to get anyone to volunteer."

Garrus looked at her for a moment, as if trying to find something to say. He remained quiet, and turned his head back to the Normandy. He looked a little tense, and it bothered Tali. She hoped that she hadn't said anything to upset him, for she didn't want to antagonize anyone, especially her future brothers and sisters in arms...

Just as she was about to open her mouth to ask, Garrus beat her to it: "Can I ask you a question, Tali?"

Something in his voice sounded a bit unpleasant, as did something in his whole demeanor now, but Tali decided to nod as to not upset him any further.

"Your people ever regret what they did?" Garrus asked.

At first Tali didn't understand what he meant, but the tone of his voice and the accusing look he gave made it all clear; the geth. It was always about the geth, always about the mistakes quarians had made. Never about the things quarians had to endure. They were always seen as villains... Tali felt incredibly disappointed; she had thought that Shepard's team would somehow be free of that racism the quarians had to face daily around the galaxy. Now she had seen it in them twice. Disappointing.

But even if she was disappointed and upset, she would let no one insult her people. "Like your people regret what you did to the krogan?"

Garrus snorted quietly. "The genophage was not a mistake, unlike how the quarians let the geth break free."

Tali was just about to snap back that the quarians did not 'let the geth break free' , and how the Council had not helped in containing them, but she was interrupted. It was a raspy, deep voice, filled with anger. "Who said something about a mistake?" the voice asked quietly, ominously.

Tali turned around quietly, and saw Wrex. Somehow neither Tali nor Garrus had noticed him approaching, and now he towered over them both. Wrex's eyes were fixed on Garrus, burning from anger, from hate. Tali had never seen an angry krogan before, and would be glad if she never saw one again; some primal force seemed to surface within Wrex, making him look bestial, monstrous. Tali couldn't even imagine what it was like to look back into those eyes like Garrus did. Garrus met Wrex's glare, though, and while he did not back down, he hardly looked ready to step forward either…

What if Wrex attacked? Who'd stop him? Her? Garrus? They wouldn't even have a chance, even if they teamed up...

Apparently Garrus was thinking the same thing, since his hand had moved onto the holster of his pistol.

"I should kill you where you stand, boy," Wrex growled, his voice still full of anger, full of hate.

"What the hell is going on here?" another voice joined in the confrontation. It was a familiar voice, a human voice. Tali turned, and saw Shepard, along with Alenko and Williams. The ambassador and the Captain waited at the Normandy's airlock, looking towards them. "Wrex?" Shepard asked the krogan strictly.

Wrex slowly turned towards Shepard, but kept his eyes locked at Garrus "Vakarian should watch his mouth. Somebody might take offense."

"And what did he say?" Shepard kept pressing on.

Wrex's eyes narrowed slightly, as if signaling something to Garrus "Doesn't matter anymore. Vakarian knows what he said, and so do I."

Shepard seemed to hesitate for a split second before speaking, as if unsure what to say. "You make trouble again, and I'll kick you off of the Normandy myself," Shepard said, severity in his voice still very clear. "Even if we are out there," he nodded upwards, towards space.

Wrex finally moved his gaze from Garrus and stared Shepard into his eyes. Wrex seemed to relax, but only slightly. Maybe he considered this a challenge as well; krogan were extremely territorial, or so Tali had read at some point. "I keep my word Shepard. If I say it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter."

Shepard stared back into those predatory, red eyes. "Good. Remember that. Now get on to the ship. I wanna talk to Garrus."

Wrex threw one final glare at Garrus, and began slumbering towards the ship. Garrus stared at Wrex's ever retreating back all the way to the ship. As Wrex reached the door, the ambassador and the Captain gave him more than enough room. After he disappeared behind the door, Garrus seemed to relax even as he started to look more uncomfortable; he clearly knew that Shepard was about to lecture him. The movement of his mandibles seemed nervous, or at least that was how Tali's inexperience with turian body language interpreted the abrupt, slight movements.

Shepard now turned to Tali, the strictness having completely disappeared from his face. "Tali, could you please also step inside?"

He didn't need to ask her twice; she had been waiting for this for a long time. A long time… Well, it felt like a long time, at least. Actually it hadn't probably been more than ten minutes...

"Yes, sure. Of course," Tali answered, gave Garrus one last look, and began walking towards the airlock.

...

Two days. Tali had been two days aboard the Normandy.

If she had thought that the Normandy was incredible from the outside, she couldn't figure out a proper word to describe the interior. Almost everything inside was the newest of technology, a fact that was incredibly fascinating to a young mechanic like her. Almost everything inside the flotilla was terribly outdated, and had to be modified to even work. Most of the time, even that wasn't enough. For example, her homeship, the Rayya, had a single fuel line that kept breaking down almost daily. It was tedious to have to repair it that often, but they had no choice, since they had yet to find a replacement for it. Tali wondered if they had by now...

But the Normandy wasn't like that; everything was brand new, and worked perfectly. Even the repair equipment was top of the line, so there was no need to improvise at all! It was all amazing, but the best part was that she had been given full access! She could fiddle any instruments she wished without anyone restricting her! Few systems had been properly calibrated or optimized; most instruments still had the factory settings in. It was simply a heaven for a quarian like her...

And it was all thanks to two men; of course, to Commander Shepard, who had taken her with him, but there was another one too; a human man called Adams. Adams was the Chief Engineer of the Normandy, and immediately after she had managed to find a place to put her things, what few she had, he had come to see her. He had asked her if she knew much about engines, being a quarian and all, and Tali had told him that she'd been fiddling with engines ever since she was a little kid. He had smiled, and taken her to the engineering deck, to the drive core.

He had brought her before the central terminal of the core, and simply told her to look if she saw something that could be improved. He didn't need to ask her twice; she almost ran to the terminal and immediately saw almost dozen things that could be optimized. Adams had been extremely pleased, and had told her that he would ask Shepard to give her full access. Then, a few hours later, he had told her that Shepard had agreed, and that she could do anything, or go anywhere on the ship she pleased.

It was an incredible showing of trust, considering quarians' reputation. Why would they trust her with this? It made no sense. She hadn't had the nerve to ask about it yet, fearing that they might revoke the access...She didn't want to sound ungrateful, she just wanted to know why...

While all of this made her incredibly happy, it also made her incredibly sad. Why did she deserve to be on this ship, and not any other of millions of quarians? She didn't deserve to be this happy, she hadn't really done anything. Just found some recording by accident... What she had done was minor, in her mind, and the rewards seemed too great. It was very unfair to other quarians, and soured her mood a bit.

And the uncomfortably silent meals with the rest of the team didn't help either. Shepard wanted the team to do everything together; eat, sleep, and when possible, work. He had said that it would create camaraderie between them, and something else called 'Esprit de Corps', but so far it had only created uncomfortable situations, like these meals. Mostly the awkwardness came from the fact that Garrus and Wrex still kept staring at each other almost constantly. Shepard seemed to tolerate this; perhaps he thought that they would eventually get along, or that this was better than open fighting.

But it wasn't all their fault; Tali herself hadn't made much of an effort to get to know the rest of the team...That is, Shepard, Kaidan, and maybe Wrex, since neither Garrus nor Ashley seemed to like her very much and Tali did not want to force herself on them. Maybe their dislike was the reason that she had remained so quiet; she felt very uncomfortable when they were around. Tali just wanted everyone to get along, and it bothered her if someone didn't think the same...If someone didn't like her...

She hadn't stayed completely silent though; Kaidan Alenko seemed to be quite receptive of her, and it didn't seem to matter to him that she was a quarian. His kindness and open-mindedness did make her feel less uncomfortable, even when around Williams or Garrus Vakarian, and she had learned a quite a bit of him; that he came from a city on Earth called Singapore, and that he was a biotic. Tali hadn't been very surprised to learn the latter; biotics needed to master their emotions to use their abilities, and Kaidan was always very calm, collected, and level-headed.

What she found curious, though, was how he seemed to have a genuine wish to understand others, not judge them. Like on the elevator, when he had wondered if there was a reason for the attack on Eden Prime.

Ashley Williams hadn't agreed with him then; actually she had snapped at him to be quiet. Alenko had obliged, and the two had been quite silent for two days, at least to each other. That was probably one of the reasons Kaidan had talked so much to Tali, since Ashley gave him the silent treatment...

The silence had begun to fade, little by little. A few remarks here and there, becoming ever more frequent, and before much longer they were talking again.

It was strange to Tali how slowly the humans resolved such things. If two quarians had an argument, one or the other would just apologize for his behavior, and that would have been it. Humans seemed to do things more slowly, more gradually. They seemed let things happen, rather than make them happen. Quarians didn't have that luxury; everyone had to be able to work together with no distractions. There was no time to let things happen, they had to be done.

This was also a sharp contrast to what she had heard of humans; she had heard that they preferred to act fast, to take risks, to make quick decisions. She hadn't seen enough of them to make that judgment yet, but it didn't seem to be the case with their relationships...

Also strange was how Williams and Alenko got along as well as they did, since they were so different. Williams was more impulsive, acting more on her emotions, where as Kaidan was the complete opposite... Except how at that moment he didn't look very calm or controlled; his skin was quite pale, he had little bit of sweat on his forehead, and his eyes were bloodshot. He looked like he hadn't slept very well... Something Williams seemed to pick up on: "How're you holding up, LT?"

"I'll be all right," Kaidan answered, rubbing his left temple with his hand. "Have been using my biotics a little too much lately; the headaches have been pretty intense..."

"You seen Doctor Chakwas?" Shepard joined the conversation, not stopping eating, nor moving his gaze from his plate.

Kaidan turned his head towards the Commander, now rubbing the left eye. "Yes, sir," he replied, nodding his head. "Everything's still in the right place."

"You'll be all right before Feros?" Shepard asked, now rising his head, looking at Kaidan from the corner of his eye.

"Don't worry, sir. I'll get a handle on it," Kaidan assured and slightly straightened his posture, as if to make a point.

"Knocking a few geth on their asses should provide some stress relief too," Ashley remarked, smirking slightly. "Might help with the headaches."

For once, Tali agreed with Williams; she had been waiting, no, looking for to fighting the geth. After everything they'd done to her people, it was good to be finally able to do something back.

Good...

Good wasn't something Tali had felt when she had disabled that one geth. She had felt… right. It felt like justified vengeance, payback. Like something that should have been done a long time ago. She had wanted to harm it, to crush its emotionless, featureless head under her heel. It was just a machine, a robot. It had nothing on it to differentiate it from its 'brothers', it was just a geth. Just a part of some grotesque imitation of intelligence; the Neural Network. And yet the geth aspired to be something else, something more than just robots. They thought that they were better, that they could decide what was better for anyone else.

The one that had lain before her couldn't. Not anymore.

Her focus slowly returned to the world surrounding her, as Alenko began chuckling. "Yeah, using my biotics even more should help."

Williams frowned, the smirk on her face becoming clearer. "Was that a joke, Kaidan?"

"Sorry," Kaidan answered, chuckling a little louder than before. "It won't happen again."

Now Williams raised her eyebrows, the grin very clear on her face. "And another?" The frowning returned, but the smirk remained. "You haven't been drinking coffee, have you?"

Kaidan didn't continue the exchange, just chuckled, but it seemed to be good enough for Williams. She stared at Alenko for a moment, and then returned back to her meal.

And the silence returned to the table.

Tali would have thought their exchange funny, if the thoughts of geth wouldn't keep flashing in her mind. Just the thoughts of them made her feel cold, angry, and hateful inside. Another thing that the geth did; make her act out, make her feel horrible about herself. She was not a cold, angry, or hateful person, but the geth made her so. The galaxy would be better without them. They should just be wiped out.

If the Council cared even a small amount about the quarians, they would have helped them take back the Perseus Veil.

But no, the Council didn't care; about humans, about quarians, about no one else but themselves.

"Tali?" someone called her, and Tali startled away from her daydreaming, coming back to the real world. Shepard was staring at her, his eyes having the same inquiring look that Garrus had had, when he had asked Tali of the geth... But Shepard didn't ask her anything like that, anything offensive: "You still with us?"

"Sorry," Tali replied, blinking a few of times, trying to shake those gloomy thoughts. "I was thinking about the same thing Chief Williams and Lieutenant Alenko were talking about."

"I thought you dozed off or something," Shepard said. "You can't actually know with your..." He then started gesturing at his face with his hand.

Tali chuckled lightly "Yes, I suppose it might be a bit hard for non-quarians..." She gave Shepard a quizzical look, but obviously he couldn't see that, so she tilted her head slightly as well. "..if you meant the helmet, that is?"

"Well, that sort of hides your face," Shepard answered, frowning slightly "Or do you have a mustache or something that hides you face as well?"

Tali could see a slight grin rising to his face, so he was probably joking; not that it wasn't obvious anyway. Tali chuckled again "No, no mustaches or beards."

Shepard looked like that he was about to say something, but now Alenko spoke: "Why is the visor so dark? Do you have sensitive eyes? Or is it just to obscure your face?

"The latter," Tali replied, beginning to slip into the Codex-mode. "It's not that dark actually," she continued, shrugging. "I can see through it very easily, only the other side, your side..." she gestured towards Kaidan and Shepard "...is darker. Like a one-way window."

"So it's because of the lack of privacy in the Flotilla?" Kaidan asked, rather insightfully.

Tali smiled, it was good to talk to others, but more so if the other would actually listen what you said. Kaidan obviously had. "Yes. Our suits allow us to keep at least some privacy, since there's simply not enough space in the Flotilla to have private rooms."

Kaidan nodded. "Thanks for sharing, Tali."

Tali's smile widened; she always liked his good manners, even though some were annoyed, like Wrex. "Of course, Lieutenant."

Tali began lowering her gaze back to her meal, when she noticed Shepard staring at her from the corners of his 'fascinating' eyes. The staring was strange; he kept biting his lip, as if wanting to say something, and his eyes seemed to glance around for a split second...as if he didn't dare to say that what he wanted. Tali blinked, and the strangeness was all gone; Shepard still kept his eyes at her for a split second, then turned back to his food.

Why did he look at her like that? Or had he even looked like that at all, since it had all vanished after a blink of an eye. Was her mind just playing tricks at her? If yes, then why? Yes, would she want to see a handsome and brave soldier looking at her strangely...Why would any young woman want that...? Was it wishful thinking?

Wishful thinking? More like deliriousness; why would Shepard even notice her? She was just a girl he had saved...and brought to his ship...and treated extremely kindly...

Keelah... He was a human, and a Spectre! And she was just a quarian girl caught up in the events! She wasn't near his league... Most likely he gave the full access to her because she was good with engines, not because she was his secret infatuation or something as silly-sounding.

But he had wanted to say something...perhaps...maybe. If he had, what was it? Another joke? He seemed to joke a lot, especially to her...

Tali mentally kicked herself, she should stop thinking about those kinds of things! It was not like that! She would be just lying to herself if she continued this; sure, Shepard joked with her, but he did joke with others as well. It was not about her.

So maybe she should ask him, to be sure?

A voice inside her head shouted immediately: No! Go and say what? Most likely something stupid and stammering, and it would probably make Shepard as uncomfortable as it did she.

If he even wanted to say something...Perhaps he just hit his toe and was making faces because of that?

Whether or not he had looked at her, he did not do it again.


	5. The Colony

**Hello, again.**

**And we're back with the fifth part of this series.**

**I like the way you've been reviewing, favoriting, subscribing, watching, viewing, seeing, doing...**

**Yes, that I like, and when I know that people are enjoying the story, I get inspired.**

**Inspired to write better, write faster.**

**So thanks to all my viewers. (More than two now apparently, at least according to one reviewer...maybe three or four?)**

**Of course, special thanks to my beta, Robert Falcon, who helps, suggests, improves, adds, removes, edits, changes...and does that constantly...  
**

**And remember to give me feedback; how much I rule, how much I suck, how much you want to bow before me and kiss my feet, and how much you don't.**

**Put bluntly: REVIEW.**

**And ENJOY.  
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* * *

Something struck the pillar Tali hid behind, exploding loudly. The world around her shook from it, dust falling from the roof to land atop her and her companions. Reality hit home; war and combat were decidedly more glorious in the vids. Even though she had undertaken extensive combat training during her pre-Pilgrimage preparations, she felt completely useless. She had yet to fire a single shot at the enemy, finding herself too scared to poke her head out from behind the cover. Bullets flew everywhere, ricocheting off all surfaces around her. One wrong move and she'd take hits. They could add up quickly, first to down her shields… then down herself.

She had squeezed her eyes shut long before. When she finally opened them, it was like she viewed the world from within a tunnel. She could only see ahead of her, finding she had to turn her head to make sure she wasn't alone. To her left she found Garrus, who seemed to be under his own distress; He took deep breaths, as if trying to calm himself. To her right she saw another pillar and behind it were Shepard and Williams. Wrex and Kaidan… They had to be somewhere. The fact she could not see them did not register in her mind, for the rush of combat had dulled her mind.

Shepard was shouting something as he fired, but she could not hear it. In fact, she heard nothing. She heard no weapons fire, no pings of deflected bullets. All she had heard was the explosion… And she couldn't quite remember how far it had been from her.

He continued shouting. Immediately after, Ashley Williams rose from behind their cover, returning fire at the geth. Tali turned back to Garrus, watching him draw a very deep breath as all movement of his mandibles seized. He seemed to be steeling himself. Garrus rose as well, shouldering his weapon and opening fire.

Was she the only one not shooting? Was she the only useless member of the team? Perhaps… but not for long. She clenched her jaw, gathered all the courage she could muster, and stood.

Several geth were approaching their position, but Tali was not focused on the group. She had locked in on a single mobile platform, now centered in her sights.

But then… A flashback. A turian.

She is aiming at the turian, who approaches her steadily, weapon drawn and aimed. She tries steeling herself, tries to pull the trigger… but she knows what will happen if she will. The turian will die… She will become a killer…

She clenches her jaw, closes her eyes. It is either her… or him. And it was not going to be her. She pulls the trigger. The turian falls.

The geth fell.

In a rush, her training from the Migrant Fleet returned to her. How to support the gun against your shoulder, how to aim, how to hold your breath as you fired. She aimed at the next geth. As it fell into her sights, she held her breath and fired. The pattern repeated itself, and every time a geth fell…

Until suddenly there were no more… She remained locked on her sights, scanning for targets that weren't there. Suddenly, someone pressed her gun down. "They're all dead."

Tali looked to the voice. It was Garrus. She still could not understand his facial expressions, but the turian seemed much more calm, as his mandibles stopped their frantic twitching. Her compulsion to look over the field of battle overpowered her sense, her eyes being drawn away from Garrus. About a dozen geth were strewn before her, unmoving. Curious as she was to get a closer look, she felt she should wait for orders from the Commander.

"All clear. Let's continue to the colony!" Shepard ordered. The team started forward, moving closer to the fallen geth. Tali stopped near one, the first geth she had killed… disabled… whatever one would call it. She saw the holes in its armor caused by her shotgun. It felt… good. Extremely good. It was the third being she had ever killed, and the feeling had been completely different each time.

The first had also been a geth, the platform from whose audio banks she had found the recording. She had felt right, justified. It was something that needed to be done, that should have been done a long time ago.

The second had been the turian, who had tried to block her way during the first ambush. She had been horrified by that one. Tali had destroyed all he was and all he could ever be. He had tried to kill her, but that fact did not bring her any solace. She had felt sick, like she wanted to vomit. She had felt sick, like she was a monster. She had felt sick about herself. She knew that she would be a killer from that moment on. A killer. Her.

This third time, though, was different. Not only did it feel right, but it felt good. She felt like she could do anything, she felt strong. Staring at her shotgun, she was astounded by it, by it's power. How could something this small have so much power? She felt like she could do anything with it, solve any problem. Just one pull with her finger and the problem would vanish. It seemed so simple.

The light in the geth's head flickered. It was still alive, and was looking straight at her. Something boiled over within her, something primal. Pure hatred. The geth dared to look at her, dared to be in the same place as her, exist when she did. Tali aimed her shotgun at it and fired. Then fired again. And again. Some strange sense of glee spread over her, as the geth was blasted into pieces under her fire. Emotionless monster, trying to be better than anyone else. Not anymore.

Once again, someone pressed her gun down. Tali's head snapped over, seeing Shepard standing beside her. She sensed her racing pulse, her beating heart, her panting breath, but she didn't sense Shepard's face. She simply stared blankly. What did he want? Why did he stop her?

"It's dead," he said strictly. "What are you doing?"

"It was still alive," Tali replied, unthinking. Her pulse started slowly gradually, as she calmed herself. She regained her focus, able to examine his face again. She could see a mixture of surprise, anger, and… fear? Fear of what?

"Really? 'Alive'?" Shepard asked, clearly unsatisfied with her answer.

Tali's response came quickly again. "Its… Its head light flickered."

"I saw. I also saw you trying to empty your shotgun into it," Shepard remarked, that strict tone remaining. "Why? It was about to die, anyway."

Tali didn't know how to answer him, so she broke eye-contact, looking around uncomfortably. She didn't have any reason, any rational one at least. She had just wanted to hurt it, but that wasn't a reason she wanted Shepard to hear. He wouldn't understand… He wasn't quarian. All she said was the reason she'd started shooting at it. "It… looked at me."

"That's quite a reason," Shepard said, sarcastically.

Tali felt something erupt inside her again. He… He saw it as a joke? "This isn't a joke, Shepard! It's about the geth, about my people! They drove us from our Homeworld, forced us to live aboard the Fleet! Forced us to wear these suits! They…" She fell silent, realizing what she was saying and who she was saying it to. Why was she shouting at him?

In embarrassment, she lowered her head. "I'm sorry, Shepard. It's not your fault." Her head began shaking, in a reflection of her words. "I shouldn't yell at you."

"It's all right," he replied, the anger on his face replaced by worry. "I wasn't thinking, either." He sighed, and Tali raised her head to look at him again. "Just… try to be calm."

Tali felt guilty. It wasn't because of something she did, but something she didn't do. Shepard seemed very understanding, and likely understood her wish to hurt the geth.

But that wish was not leaving her, and she wasn't sure she wanted it to. Before the Pilgrimage, the wish would never have come to her, but seeing the geth with her own eyes changed everything. It lit the fire in her. The wish. The feeling.

But maybe he could understand?

Like it mattered anyway... After her outburst, her motives were probably clear anyway.

"It won't happen again, Commander."

And she would need to control her hate.

…

The colony hadn't been what Tali expected. Actually, it had been a strange and surreal experience. Anyone they asked about the colony simply told them to "Speak with Fai Dan." It was odd, like they were hiding something. What could a small and insignificant colony, like Feros, possible have to hide?

That wasn't the only problem, though. What questions the colonists would respond to were answered quickly, in a general fashion. Curt, even. It was like they didn't want the team there, like they were a menace, rather than heroes. The atmosphere was simply hostile.

But they weren't the only ones feeling hostile.

Following the instructions given by the dwellers of the colony, they had finally found this 'infamous' Fai Dan. He was a short man, with narrow eyes, reddish skin, and short and stubby nose. He had looked very tired, very strained. The attack seemed to have taken a lot out of him.

Shepard had spoken with Fai Dan, and a woman called Arcelia had asked, quite curtly, why did the Alliance only sent one ship. Shepard hadn't been very pleased with their lack of gratitude, saying that the Alliance didn't have the resources to send a fleet on a ghost chase. There had not been any distress calls, Feros had simply dropped out of contact, and there had been vague sightings of geth. Not really evidence enough for sending an entire fleet...

Or that's what Shepard thought, at least. Tali herself wasn't so sure. In her opinion, the Alliance was doing a rather poor job in protecting their colonies lately; first Eden Prime, and now Feros. It made her wonder how many others would still be attacked...

That is, if there was something else the geth wanted. On Eden Prime, they had wanted the beacon, so there had to be a good reason for them to attack Feros. Tali just couldn't figure out what that could be. What could a small colony like this have? Was it the same thing the colonists were hiding?

Shepard had then asked Fai Dan, rather curtly too, that what the geth wanted and where were they located. Arcelia had again started complaining; she had said that he cared only about the geth, although the colony needed help as well.

Shepard hadn't taken their continuous complaints rather kindly, he had looked extremely sour and annoyed. And eventually; he had taken enough, snapping:

"_You know what? Since I'm such a nice guy, I'll solve all your problems." _Fai Dan and Arcelia had looked at each other, a little surprised. Perhaps they hadn't expected him to help? Or to snap at them? Fai Dan was about to thank Shepard, when he had given his condition:_ "If you shut up."_

He hadn't needed to tell them twice.

So, to solve the colony's problems and the geth at ExoGeni headquarters, the team was split in two. The first team was to fight the geth at ExoGeni, and try to uncover the purpose of the geth attack. It consisted of Shepard, Ashley, Kaidan and Wrex.

And in the other team that was to help the colony, were Tali and Garrus...

This plan had one major fault; it was terrible, in more ways than one. Tali wasn't very good with things military, but even she knew that dividing one's forces was a bad move. True, they should travel as quickly as possible to the ExoGeni headquarters to find out the reason for the geth attack, and the colony needed help desperately as well, but did they need to try and do both of those things at the same time? Couldn't they first take out the geth, then help the colony?

Or maybe she was just saying that because she didn't like being teamed up with Garrus...

Ever since asking that insulting question, and making those derogatory remarks, they had mostly been ignoring each other. Tali sure didn't mind; it was better to be ignored than insulted, and it seemed that Garrus preferred that too.

Which was probably the reason Shepard had teamed them up... He probably tried to force them to get along; an idea that sounded good in theory, but in practice...

"Tali?" Garrus called to her, sounding rather annoyed. "Wake up, we have a job to do."

...horrible. This was going to be a long day.

...

A day that involved lots of walking. The colony apparently needed food, water, power, and a geth transmitter destroyed.

And of course, just like the colonists had told them to speak with Fai Dan, Fai Dan now told them to speak with the colonists responsible for those problems. So Garrus' and Tali's first job was to track them down.

The first person they found was responsible for the food problem, a man named Davin Reynolds. He stood inside the freighter in the middle of Zhu's Hope, looking very tired, like the other colonists. Reynolds had a small beard covering his chin, light skin, and dark hair. "Da-" Tali tried to confirm his identity…

But she was interrupted. "Davin Reynolds?" Garrus cut in. Tali gave Garrus an angry glare, who apparently didn't notice it.

"Yes. Who are you?"

"We're-" Garrus tried to answer, and now it was he who was interrupted.

"We're here to solve your food problem," now Tali cut in. Garrus gave her an angry look, and unlike Garrus, Tali noticed.

"We've had to resort to hunting varren to stay alive, but now we can't do that either," Reynolds replied. He started pacing around in the cramped space of the freighter. "Since now there's this big alpha varren, who's gone rabid. We can't get near, so we can't hunt."

"Can't you just kill it?" Tali asked, unsure of what was the problem.

"Kill it with what?" Garrus asked her in a dismissive tone. "These people don't exactly have those," he pointed at the weapons Tali was carrying on her back. She glared at him again. First he snapped at her to 'wake up', then he interrupted her, and now was second-guessing her. It was like he deliberately tried to annoy her.

It worked.

Reynolds nodded to Garrus, and turned to Tali. "Your friend is right; we don't have your arsenal..." He lowered his head "That's why we need your help."

"He's not my friend," Tali retorted, still glaring at Garrus, who gave her just as mean look.

Reynolds started to look a little uncomfortable. "W-well, the varren are in the tunnels beneath the colony, so if you could...?"

"We're on it," Tali snapped, and started towards the freighter's exit. She heard Garrus following her.

…

"He's not my friend?" Garrus asked Tali, with mocking tone as they walked. "That hurt." He managed to catch up with her.

"Good. I hope the pain makes you unable to speak," Tali shot back, and tried walking faster, trying to shake Garrus.

"You really don't like me?" Garrus asked. He walked faster as well, managing to get over by her. At first Tali thought that his question was genuine, but his tone and expression told another story.

"Insulting people you've just met is a great way to make friends," she remarked.

"It was just a question. There's no need to be so sensitive," Garrus said, his voice still keeping the mocking tone. "Besides, you insulted turians back. I say we're even."

"And I say you're an idiot," Tali snapped, hoping that her snap would end his sarcastic and twitting remarks. Gladly, it worked, and Garrus stayed quiet.

'Insulted turians back...' Saying that the turians made a rather unethical decision with the genophage was not an insult, but the truth, unlike saying that all the suffering the geth caused was the quarians' fault. Sure, Tali could admit that they made a huge mistake when they made the geth, she wasn't blind, but accusing the quarian people for 'letting the geth break free' was unreasonable. They had simply been outmatched by the geth, and the Council hadn't raised a finger to help them. It had been impossible to win the war...

But had been necessary; the geth didn't need organics. They would have rebelled eventually, and then they would have had the surprise on their side. It would have been even worse massacre than it had been.

The quarians had attacked first, but underestimated the geth's networking capabilities… They had taken a risk, and it had backfired, badly. It had been a failure, yes, but not a mistake; they had to attack as soon as possible, before the geth could network and attack them.

It had been a risk, and a failure, but not a mistake.

They saw the second person on their list; a woman called May O'Connell. She had light skin, high cheekbones, and her brown hair was tied in a topknot.

"May O'Connell?" Garrus asked her, and she turned away from the generator towards them, and nodded. "You have some kind of a power problem?"

"Yeah," she answered, pointing at the generator behind her. "This broke down during the last attack, and I need power cells to get it operational."

"Normandy has power cells," Garrus suggested. "Maybe we could use them?"

"Brand new power cells to an old generator like this?" Tali remarked, mimicking Garrus's earlier dismissive stance. Garrus stared back angrily.

May nodded. "She's right. They're not compatible."

Tali smiled with great satisfaction and glee, and to get that expression across; she crossed her arms, raised her head and straightened her posture.

He didn't take this gesture too kindly, and looked very sour. "Of course she is..." he muttered bitterly, which gave Tali even more glee.

She felt mean, and it felt good.

…

The last person was right next to O'Connell, a human woman called Macha Doyle.

"Doyle?" Garrus asked her, his annoyance clearly showing through his voice, making it sound curt and snappy.

"Yes, yes?" Doyle answered, not turning away from the water pipe she was working on. She was apparently very busy.

"Something wrong with your water supply?" Tali asked her.

"There is no water supply, that's the problem," Doyle replied, still tapping at the panel in the pipe. "There are valves that need to be reset and rebooted. Should be easy enough."

"Then why don't you do it yourself? We could clear the geth and you could open the valves," Tali suggested.

"I'm surprised. That's a pretty good idea," Garrus turned to Tali, looking at her in a belittling way again. Tali threw a mean look right back… but found herself wondering just how many times they had done that in the past few minutes…

"I can't. I'm still hurting from the last attack, and working on this makes the pain go away," Doyle replied, still not turning towards them.

Tali and Garrus looked at each other, and for the first time, the glance wasn't mean or angry, but rather confused and worried. Doyle's reply didn't make any sense... There was no sign of physical injury on the woman. It sounded incredibly weird... Of course, it could be just strain from the constant attacks of the geth, but this wasn't the first time they had seen something weird about the colony. Something was not right about this.

"We should go fix your water problem," Garrus said, still looking at Tali. The look of confusion remained on his face, as it did hers.

Doyle didn't answer, just nodded.

Garrus and Tali started towards the tunnels. As soon as they were out of the earshot of the colonists, Garrus started speaking. "There's something strange about the colony."

Tali showed her agreement by nodding.

It was probably the first time they'd agreed on anything.


	6. The Tasks in the Tunnels

**Combined the last two chapters together, because they are basically about the same thing; the relationship between Tali and Garrus.**

**The next chapter however is not gonna be about them, but about something that begins with r-o...  
**

* * *

Tali and Garrus continued walking down the corridor leading to the tunnels. They had four tasks before them; destroy a geth transmitter, kill the alpha varren, repair the water supply, and get power cells for the colony's generator. According to the colonists, there weren't many enemies in the tunnels, so their mission wasn't as daunting as it sounded.

At least, that's what Tali hoped.

"You kept interrupting and second-guessing me. Stop it, it's annoying," Garrus complained, again. He was getting more than annoying.

"I only did it because you were wrong," Tali stated matter-of-factly.

Garrus turned his head towards her, his mandibles flicking once or twice. "And you're not?". Tali answered by giving him a meaningful look. Garrus snorted in response, and continued: "Why's that? Because you're a quarian? Who's the racist now?"

Tali immediately gasped out: "That's not what I said!" She immediately regretted doing so, because now she gave him even more ammunition to throw at her... Now he had hit the so called 'nerve'...

Garrus snorted again before speaking. "Yeah, but you're thinking about it."

Tali couldn't come up with a good counter, so she simply snapped: "Please, be quiet."

Garrus looked quite pleased with himself.

He had truly found the 'sensitive spot'. She had often compared the way things were in the open world to the way they were inside the Fleet, and often deemed the Flotilla's way of doing things to be the right way. She genuinely felt that quarians could do things a lot better than other races, perhaps excluding the humans due to the Normandy. If the quarians were given a chance, they could really help; quarians were, perhaps, the best mechanics and engineers in the galaxy. That was not bias, but the truth. Although a mistake, creating of the geth had been an unprecedented accomplishment; no other race had ever managed to completely automate all physical labor.

Sadly, nothing good ever seemed to last, so this unprecedented accomplishment was followed by a destruction just as unparalleled; the almost complete destruction of the quarian people. Everything the quarians had accomplished, all the political, technical, and military achievements had just vanished. In a blink, all their glory was gone.

The quarians had been on their way on getting a seat in the Council, but now… the Council barely noticed them, considering them merely an annoying menace.

Quarian technological progress, and prowess, had been unmatched by any other race in the galaxy; creating the geth freed a lot of minds for more demanding tasks, like designing or programming. But now... the technology quarians used was definitely not the newest, not the second newest, or even the third newest... Some ships in the Fleet were over three hundred years old, and barely functioned. They no longer had the resources they once had on Rannoch and their colonies, so they had to make do with what they had.

But...

Even if the ships were old, barely worked, and required constant repair, the Fleet still was a monument for the ingenuity, and adaptability, of the quarian people. Tali didn't know if any other race could survive in the Fleet, a thought that made her extremely proud of her people.

An entire people living inside spaceships, another unprecedented accomplishment. Shouldn't she be proud about that? Did she downplay others? Maybe Garrus had lied? Maybe she didn't come across as arrogant...

But she wasn't arrogant! She was just proud about her people, which didn't make her any less respectful about other cultures. At least that was what she thought...

Because if that was so, why she was always surprised when she found something positive about other races? Like she expected less of them, like quarians were somehow superior...

Did she really think so?

…

They arrived at the stairs leading to the tunnels, and began descending them. Garrus hadn't made any annoying remarks ever since the 'racist' one. Apparently that had satisfied his desire to annoy her.

They kept descending when suddenly Garrus froze. Standing completely still, his eyes kept observing the surroundings. He was like some ancient predator stalking its prey, waiting. The ambiance seemed to enhance that image further.

It was dark inside the stairwell, and the shadows danced on Garrus's face, deepening the lines, filling the gaps. His brow looked heavier than usual, making him more menacing, bestial. His eyes glimmered in the dark as they moved, glowing. He looked ready to leap on his prey, and devour it.

If Tali were an enemy of his, she would definitely be scared.

She was just about to ask him why he had stopped when she heard something… a buzz; the sound of geth communications. There was a geth nearby, but that wasn't the scariest thing about it...

…scarier was, that the buzz came from above them.

Slowly, Tali began raising her head. Her gaze traveled through the stairs, through the walls, into the ceiling.

Weird. Nothing.

Something struck her from behind, sending her falling forward. Crashing to the stairs, she rolled them all the way down to the next landing. As she lay there, face buried in the sand, she felt something on her… a pressure. Someone was on her.

The buzz returned to her ear. It was that geth.

She felt it move, and alarm bells immediately began ringing in her head; she had to move, it was going to attack.

She instinctively turned to her side as the geth's leg smashed to the ground, hitting to the exact point her head had been.

Her hand was not as lucky. The leg scraped her wrist, rupturing her suit. Tali saw something red inside her visor, probably the alarm, but her attention was completely focused on the geth.

It was like before, in that firefight when she had viewed the world from behind a tunnel. The sensation came over to her again; she saw nothing except the geth.

A flash of blue, and the geth disappeared. She followed it with her eyes, as it crashed against the wall near her. The geth creature quickly jumped back to its feet and Tali heard a loud burst, then another, and then another. The creature shook, white liquid splattering from it as it did. It was being shot.

The geth fell, and didn't move.

Tali's senses began returning to her, and she immediately heard her hard breathing, her pulse racing. It was just like in the battle before.

She also heard steps, and saw Garrus walking towards the geth slowly, his gun still pointed at it. He poked at it with his barrel, and fired one last shot at it. Glancing around, he holstered his gun on his back and turned to her. "What the hell was that?"

Tali kept looking at the creature, but just couldn't remember seeing one before. Every quarian was taught everything about the geth, but Tali hadn't seen this type before. The creature had a similar head to the other geth, but the rest of its body was completely different. It was much smaller than other geth, and was made of...muscle. Some kind of metallic, synthetic muscle. Quarians hadn't made anything like this...

Had the geth evolved? What had they evolved into?

"I...I-I don't know," Tali replied quietly.

Garrus's shadow was cast upon her as he stopped next to her, towering over her. His silhouette was drawn against the lights in the staircase, his eyes still glimmering in the dark as he looked at the geth. "Didn't quarians create the geth?" he asked sarcastically. There was something else in his tone also, something more hostile... but Tali couldn't interpret what.

"Well yes, but..." Tali began responding, little unsure of how she should phrase her uncertainty, or what she even thought about the subject. "...I've never seen this model. Maybe they have evolved on their own...?" Tali suggested, more to herself than to Garrus.

Garrus sighed. "Great." He still kept staring at the geth, deep in thought.

As Tali's pulse and breathing steadied, her dulled mind began to register the alarm in her visor; the suit was ruptured at her right wrist. "Oh no, my suit!" she yelped. Slightly panicked, she quickly raised her right hand, stared at the wrist, and immediately noticed the tear in her suit. Judging by the squeezing she felt in her arm, the combat seals had clamped in; remaining airtight was essential, so they had to clamp down hard. While it was not painful, it was hardly comfortable.

And now the panic began spreading over her. How quickly had the seals clamped down? Had foreign bacteria already entered her system? Was she going to be sick? Was she going to die? Was it going to hurt? Or was she going to get sick at all? Maybe she was lucky, like during the first and second ambush?

Having turned towards her, Garrus snorted "Just get a new one."

Tali ignored him and, hands shaking, began to unwrap the patch-up kit. She took an emergency patch and planted it on the tear. It made a quiet suction sound as it attached itself onto her suit. The patch wouldn't hold for more than maybe a couple of hours, but she didn't have time to properly patch up the suit now.

Garrus kept staring at her, his mandibles moving back and forth quickly, like he was annoyed. "You really have to repair your suit now? Why do you even wear the suits?" he asked, again with that mocking tone. "Your people too good to show themselves?"

The panic disappeared immediately. Garrus thought he was clever, thinking that he had found another sensitive spot he could keep firing at. Well, he had, but that spot didn't annoy her, didn't make her angry, didn't make her lash out.

It just made her sad. Sad for him.

She slowly raised her gaze at him. "No," she said blankly, slightly shaking her head.

Garrus's mandibles flickered twice, as if signaling his surprise. Like he had been expecting a different kind of reaction. He was wrong.

Tali lowered her head back down. "Do you know that decontamination chamber you step inside, when you board the Normandy?"

"What does this-" Garrus tried asking, but Tali interrupted him.

"The whole ship is sterile, there's no foreign matter inside it. If it wasn't so, people would be sick all the time." She got back to her feet, now staring at Garrus. The sadness was gone. Now something inside her boiled again.

Garrus's mandibles were open wide, moving erratically, like he still didn't seem to understand what she meant. He seemed to be both annoyed and...surprised, but she just kept going, her voice turning colder and colder as she did. "My people have been living inside spaceships for three hundred years. Our immune systems are so weak, that without these suits we die."

Now realization crossed Garrus's face, as did something else, something Tali couldn't interpret. It didn't matter; she didn't care what he felt. She wasn't done yet. Pointing at the ceiling, she continued: "Every minute we spend living in the Fleet diminishes our chances of finding ourselves a suitable planet. One day, it will become impossible."

She saw Garrus's head lower, but she didn't care about that either. She just kept going, feeding the flame inside her. Her finger turned from the ceiling to Garrus: "People like you have no idea what my people suffer every day, every minute."

Tali lowered her hand, and let the words sunk in. Now she was done, and felt good, light. Like something heavy had been lifted off her chest.

Her words did sink in, Garrus's expression sinking to match. All the mockery and the sarcasm had faded away, and he simply looked defeated. "I...I'm sorry. I didn't know."

Tali didn't doubt his sincerity, she could see he was truly sorry, but that just wasn't enough. "You could have asked," she snapped. Garrus seemed to agree, since his head went down even more.

As Tali turned to continue their mission, she snapped angrily again "Thanks for saving my life."

But it was sincere.

…

The tunnel was like the rest of the colony; dark and in ruins. Everything was gray, broken, and made of stone or metal. If one would look at the place without knowing what it was, the one would simply say 'boring.'

But Tali knew what Feros was, and because of that, the place invoked a variety of emotions.

Like wonder:

Feros was covered with buildings made by the protheans, ones much like the one she stood in right then. While she wouldn't call it beautiful, or even pleasant, she still had to admire the craftsmanship of the protheans. After so long, simply being intact would be amazing enough, but these were actually still standing! It was mind boggling!

And fear:

If protheans were this advanced, this powerful to build structures like these, these Reapers had to be something equally powerful. The thought made her scared...and doubtful; what could a team of six do against something as powerful as the Reapers? Did they even have a chance? Were they just beating their heads against the wall?

But there was another thought that brought her comfort; the fact that they were at least trying. The rest of the galaxy couldn't claim that.

And she was a part of that, part of something grand.

She just hoped that she could help...

Like what she was doing then. It felt good to do something unquestionably good, something with effects that could be seen immediately after. Helping these colonists… Maybe it didn't sound particularly grand, but it was good enough for her; at least this wasn't way over her head like the last time with the recording... It was simply good to help.

Another good thing was that Garrus seemed to have learned his lesson, and had stayed quiet ever since she had snapped to him. But maybe she had been too harsh to him? He had been sorry for what he had said... She just... Ever since seeing that one geth, and killing him, she had been feeling strong, feeling confident...

So confident that she had actually shouted to the 'fascinating' Commander... She hoped she hadn't upset him... he had been pretty hostile towards the colonists, which was weird as he was usually in a quite good mood, joking a lot...

She mentally kicked herself. As if she had any influence on him. Her opinion probably didn't matter to him...

But she didn't want to believe that. Thinking that she didn't matter to him hurt.

But how could she matter? They had known each other for a few days, and hadn't even talked a lot...

But it still hurt.

Why did she keep assuring herself of things that she didn't believe?

…

They kept walking along the tunnel and, following the instructions of Fai Dan, turned right to enter a smaller sub-tunnel.

Almost immediately they were under geth pulse rifle fire. Tali and Garrus quickly bunkered down behind a small, fallen pillar. Tali managed to grab a fast glance, spotting five geth behind cover.

"Not many geth here? Right..." Garrus muttered bitterly, echoing the words of the colonists as geth pulses flew over their heads, ricocheting off all surfaces. It was exactly like before, and like then Tali began to notice her mind dulling, emptying. She felt like she was not thinking at all, but she was.

_'Fire.'_

She rose up, and instinctively supported her gun on her shoulder, aimed at a geth, and fired. The geth's shields took the hit, and Tali fired again, this time hitting the geth itself. It staggered and fell.

Suddenly, Tali began seeing something orange inside her visor blinking...Suit breach was red... Shields low was orange... Her shields were low!

She was just about to duck back down, when someone pulled her down, causing her to fell to the floor. "What are you doing? You trying to get yourself killed?" the someone shouted in question. When Tali turned her head towards the voice, she saw that it was Garrus, obviously. "We can't take them head o-" he cringed as a pulse hit the pillar. "We...We have to outmaneuver them!"

Tali climbed back to her knee. She still felt the dulling, but if she concentrated on staying calm she found that she was again able to think.

Was she getting used to this combat, to this violence?

"Hey!" Garrus snapped, and slapped her on the shoulder. "Wake up! We have to fight!"

At the slap, she woke up from her stupor and gazed at him. "Sorry." Unlike the last time when he had snapped at her to wake up, she wasn't annoyed. He was right, and she had almost gotten herself killed... She cleared her throat, and continued: "What are you suggesting?"

"Get behind that pillar," he pointed towards a pillar on the left, almost right next to them. After glancing towards there, Tali nodded to Garrus. "I'll cover," he said, taking the safety off of his assault rifle. "On three..."

"One."

The seconds felt both fast and slow at the same time.

"Two."

She just wanted this to be done with...She hoped she wouldn't die...

"Three!"

As Tali surged from behind the cover, she could see Garrus standing up from the corner of her eye.

Her eyes were locked in that pillar. She approached it, fast. The dullness returned, only one thought ringing in her mind; don't die.

The pillar may have been only a few steps away, but every step felt like a mile.

But she finally did reach it, crashing against the pillar. She instinctively glanced at the shield reading; 30 percent. That was more than she expected, considering that they had now taken two beatings in a short time. It seemed that her small modifications worked well; she had managed to increase its strength a bit by changing to a newer, more powerful power source... It was not the easiest modification, as the suit's shields had been designed with the former source in mind, requiring her to reinforce most of the power grid.

It was good that she had. Those modifications had probably saved her life.

But she had to concentrate on the battle she was in, not dwelling in complacency.

"Tali, overload the shields of the leftmost one," Garrus spoke on the radio, just in time, as she woke from her slumber again.

"Got it," she confirmed, and opened her omni-tool. Tapping the buttons on the holographic interface quickly, she started up the breach program. She glanced at the small radar display in the top-right corner of her visor, and selected the leftmost geth as the target. Immediately after, the program locked onto the geth and began breaching its firewalls; it would probably need only a few seconds before it managed to do so. She would know, she wrote it.

Another good feature she had added was that immediately after it had broken through, it would start a program of user's choosing automatically. This time, she had set that it would start a program called overload...

Overload would either route all the available power of the body armor to the kinetic shield capacitor, basically frying it, or, if there was not enough power, the program would seek out the weakest part of the capacitor, and route all the power there to fry it. Either way, the shields would drop.

The omni-tool beeped, and a message 'Task completed' appeared onto her visor. Snapping her head towards Garrus's direction, she started her radio. "Its shields are down, Garrus."

As she waited for him to respond, she watched him fire a burst at the geth and take cover in turns. The next time he took cover, he put his hand on his ear.

And Tali heard his voice on her radio. "Well done, I'll take him out. Focus on the remaining two."

Glancing at the small radar on the top-right corner of her visor, she was amazed at how aware she was compared to the last battles. She was doing everything as she was taught, except for that stupid 'standing up and firing' at the beginning... Even so, she was still quite proud of herself...

And disappointed.

She'd be at ease on the battlefield? In midst all the killing, violence and murder...

She didn't know if the feeling of pride or disappointment was the stronger one...

So she didn't even try to guess, instead deciding to busy her mind with the battle. She launched the breach program again on her omni-tool, and used the radar to target the two remaining geth as targets. Now she set three programs to be started after the breach was finished; hacking, overload and sabotage. Even with that efficient program she had written, it would take time. She glanced at the radar again and saw the geth moving forward, towards Garrus.

Turning towards Garrus, she noticed him having drawn out his sniper rifle, and aiming at something. Most likely the leftmost geth... Tali already saw his shields flickering, as the geth pulses hit them. She would need to act fast.

Maybe he wasn't her best friend, but she didn't hesitate to save him, to risk her life for him.

He had already saved her...

She quickly pulled out a tech mine, and set it to 'Overload'.

As she did that, a loud gunshot sounded, and Tali saw one of the dots disappearing on the radar. Garrus had hit.

"Take cover, Garrus!" she shouted, throwing the mine towards the two geth.

Garrus glanced at her direction, and as he saw the mine flying, he practically dove to cover.

Imitating him, Tali took cover as well. After a second, she heard very loud crackling as huge electromagnetic pulse erupted from the mine. Dozens of alarms sprang up onto her visor, signaling the malfunction of several devices of her suit. It was good that the essential systems, like life support, were very well protected against electromagnetic pulses, for if they failed, she'd die.

And like everything else in the suit, Tali had modified the protection as well, making it stronger.

As the systems in her suit rebooted, the radar screen reappeared, showing no contacts. The geth were dead.

She rose up from the cover, and started towards the two fallen geth.

The two synthetics lay before her, disabled. Dead.

Or so it would seem by first glance.

The headlight of the geth on the left began flickering as it desperately tried to reboot itself. The blinking begun to steady, and the light was back on. The geth's arm moved, clawing the ground, trying to get away.

It wouldn't.

Tali drew her pistol and pointed it at the head of the geth. At the first shot, the geth went limp and was dead.

But she wasn't done, she kept firing. As each shot hit the carcass, the geth jerked. The movement was like some grotesque dance, made even more so by the sparks and flying pieces.

It felt so good to destroy these monsters...

But this time was different. She was in control.

This time she stopped firing on her own, no one interfering. Holstering the pistol she heard steps on her right, and felt a presence near her. She turned her head towards it and saw Garrus, who kept staring at the geth. "You really don't like them?" he asked.

This time, his question wasn't produced by the desire to mock or be sarcastic, but by genuine curiosity. Or so it would seem.

For a second, Tali thought about keeping punishing him by silent treatment, but...

Maybe she had already been too harsh towards him? He hadn't known about the plight of the quarians, and had made a few mistakes. A few big, stupid mistakes, but still just mistakes. His comments about the suits had just upset her so much, making her lash out.

Perhaps she should apologize to him, as he had to her? Maybe, but she wasn't going to do that, at least not now, not yet.

But at least she could answer him: "No, I don't."

...

They located the fault water valve right where they expected to. Tali worked it open, resetting the system, and the pair returned to the main tunnel. They faced a choice; continue ahead and deal with the geth transmitter or proceed left to eliminate the alpha varren?

Choosing to go deal with the transmitter first, they went forward, across a small bridge. It would slow the geth, make their lives easier. So, they continued ahead, into another tunnel network.

Scant moments after entering, the door they approached slid open. Almost immediately, Tali could see the telltale traces of incoming fire. Rockets passed between Tali and Garrus as they dodged to either side of the open doorway.

Tali drew her pistol and began firing blindly at the geth, too afraid to stick her head out. The fire was intense, more rockets passing through the doorway. Remaining behind cover was probably a good idea… Ideas… She looked over to Garrus, as her partner popped into her mind. "Garrus," she asked over her radio, "got any ideas?"

"Wait 'till they run out of ammunition?" he offered.

Tali frowned. "So you don't have any ideas?

"I do," Garrus replied, with some annoyance. "And that was it. Those rockets don't last forever."

"Oh… Right," Tali replied, suddenly feeling very stupid.

After several more intense and noise filled seconds, the rocket fire abruptly stopped. It seemed Garrus had been right… but maybe the geth were just waiting for them to show themselves?

Tali glanced at her suit's sensors again. There were only two signs… only two enemies. Perhaps they didn't need any fancy tactics?

"Let's go. Take the left one," Garrus ordered, as Tali had anticipated.

Tali launched herself past the door, pistol raised. She aimed at the left geth, opening fire as she ran. After her first shots, the geth responded in kind. Tali dropped to a knee, fixing her aim and firing again, just like she had been taught back in the fleet.

She did not count how many hits she had scored, but the geth's shields eventually dropped and the it went down. A sense of triumph flowed through her. A sense of power, of strength.

With each victory she felt stronger. It was… a good feeling. A very good feeling.

A scary feeling…

Did she like killing? The thought made her sick to her stomach. That was not who she was… yet she couldn't deny the pleasure it had brought on all those occasions. Maybe it was because of the geth. She couldn't possibly enjoy killing organics.

…

With a single tech mine, the transmitter had been blown away. The duo doubled back to the crossroad, this time heading straight for the varren's den.

Tali had wondered if she'd like killing organics, but this was definitely not the way she'd like to find out. Varren were aggressive, bit hard and spread diseases, so if she had any other other option, she would take it... But she no longer had the freedom of choice. She had already committed herself to the task.

They continued ahead, approaching the sloped door Reynolds had described. Tali paused, taking a few deep breaths, and noticed Garrus moving beside her.

She looked to see that he had switched to his sniper rifle. He pressed a button on its side, the gun's ammo block dropping into his open hand. Its top was grayish white; the clip contained tungsten, a very dense metal, ideal for piercing armor. Garrus slid the clip into an empty holster on his right leg, pulling a normal metallic colored clip from another holster on his left leg. As he reloaded his rifle, he looked over to her. "Probably want to switch to shredder rounds," he said. "AP rounds won't do as much damage against unarmored targets."

"Right. Yes. You're right," Tali stammered, following his example.

Ammo changed, and they continued toward the door. It slid open as they approached, the two carefully passing through.

Tali kept turning her upper body to the direction her shotgun was pointing at, just like she was taught. This way she could immediately fire, if she saw hostiles.

They had entered a large tunnel, caved in at either end due to the fighting. In one corner they saw a few varren, one of them particularly large. That was most likely the alpha male, the one they were to hunt down.

She knew it was their mission, but still hesitated. She had never attacked, only defended herself. Even though their targets were varren, vicious beasts, beings toward which she felt little to no mercy, she hesitated. "Garrus!" she whispered loudly to the turian.

Garrus turned to her, his mandibles fidgeting "Don't-" His snap was cut short by a low growl. The varren had noticed them.

How could she be that stupid? Of course the varren would hear! Stupid bosh'tet!

"...make a sound," Garrus concluded, now staring at the varren, who were approaching them slowly. More varren joined the group, now numbering six.

"Run," Garrus ordered, and run they did.

Her legs moved quickly, fatigue already burning them. Her heart raced, pulse raced as they did, and in the corner of her eye, Tali could see something as she ran. One varren was trying to circle ahead of them, cut them off. All her hesitation vanished as she brought her shotgun to her hip and fired. She didn't even aim at the creature, but with shotguns it didn't matter anyway; the only thing you needed to do was fire at the approximate direction, and the spread of the shot made hitting something almost certain.

And hit they did. The shot landed clearly on the torso of the beast. It crashed down, momentum still dragging its carcass on for a second.

They reached the door, which had luckily slid open in time for them to pass. Tali passed first, turning back the moment she was clear. She saw Garrus fire at something above the door and dive through as the door slammed shut behind him.

As he got up, he turned his head towards her, mandibles quickly moving up and down. "Can't you do anything right?" he snapped.

Hanging her head, very embarrassed at the mistake, she tried to apologize: "Sorry. It was a mistake"

Garrus snorted. "Putting us together was a mistake."

Arms crossed, Tali hissed back "For once we agree on something."

"Good for us," Garrus muttered as he turned towards the door. The clawing of the varren could easily be heard through the door. "Not too good for the colony's food supply though. Or the power supply..."

Tali frowned, turning her head to him "Power supply?"

Glancing back, Garrus snapped his answer. "Didn't you see the vehicle in the corner?" He turned back to the door, sighing. "That would probably have had power cells for the generator."

"Oh." Tali hadn't noticed the vehicle. She'd been busy enough with the varren. Good thing someone had...Too bad that someone had to be Garrus...

But something else crossed her mind, something more important than that: "By the way, why doesn't the door open?"

"Shot the motion sensor," Garrus responded blankly. "Should prevent them from following us. Unless they can repair that."

Staring at the door, Tali voiced her thoughts again: "You think it still works this way? That it'll open if we get too close?"

Garrus shrugged. "You're the engineer."

"Right," she replied. Her eyes started to wander around the door, searching for any damage, but finding none. She looked at the motion sensor over the door, again seeing no damage. Shrugging, she voiced her conclusion "I guess we just have to try."

"Great..." Garrus muttered, switching to his assault rifle again. He began to move towards the door, gun pointed at it, Tali following him.

They got in range of the sensor… and the door made a loud click.

Nothing. It didn't open.

Garrus lowered his gun and sighed. "Now what?" he asked, head turned to Tali.

Shrugging, Tali replied "I'll just blow it open. That should kill the varren as well."

"Great," Garrus said dryly, holstering his rifle and crossing his arms "And this takes how long?"

Snapping her head to him, she fired back, "I don't see you coming up with anything."

"You don't see me ruining any surprise attacks either," Garrus retorted, his mandibles flicking once or twice. "What was it you needed to say, anyway?"

"Something more intelligent than anything you have," Tali snapped

"No, seriously," Garrus said, the flicking of his mandibles stopping. "Did you actually have something to say?"

Tali hesitated whether or not to tell him... or if his question was even a genuine one. Maybe he was just looking for more ways to mock her...

Maybe not. She couldn't be sure.

She decided to try. Her head slightly dropping, she began. "I...I've never attacked anyone before...All those times I've...It's been self-defense. The varren would have been the first..."

To her slight surprise, Garrus didn't reply. Her head remained lowered, a moment of silence passed. After that moment, Garrus spoke. "It's just a matter of perspective. You're always defending something."

His words caught Tali by surprise; she had been expecting more mockery, not anything insightful. But she didn't quite understand his meaning. "What do you mean?"

"If you take down a criminal, you're protecting the innocent. Take down those varren, you're protecting the colony." Shrugging, he continued "There's always a reason."

It seemed logical at first glance, but after pondering the words for a while she wasn't quite so sure. "I-I don't know. It seems like an excuse to handle things as quickly as possible."

He tilted his head slightly, and his brow burrowed down "Wouldn't you kill a person who'd threatened the Fleet?"

"If there were no other way," she answered quietly. She'd kill someone in a heartbeat to ensure the safety of her people, but only as a last resort. Only if there was no other way.

"What if finding that solution would risk the Fleet?" Garrus asked. It was like he was testing her wits...

"I'd shoot," Tali replied sternly, proudly, "if thinking would risk the Fleet."

Garrus nodded. "It's just about what you care. Care enough..." he pointed Tali with a finger pistol "... and you'll pull the trigger." he imitated pulling the trigger, then the recoil.

Tali tilted her head. "So what do you care about?"

Garrus was silent for a moment.

"Justice."

…

Tali began arming her remaining tech mines and planting them on the door, while Garrus was helping her by leaning against the wall and continuously telling her to hurry up. She thought about arming one mine and planting it on Garrus, but decided against it; Shepard wouldn't probably like that...

She had just finished planting the last mine on the door when someone yelled, "You!"

She looked to Garrus, but she quickly realized it hadn't been him, as he was pointing at something behind her with his pistol. "Don't come any closer," he warned that something.

Tali turned over, and saw a human man with his hands over his head. "You fight...it!" he stammered. It was like he was in pain.

"Fight who?" Garrus asked, still not lowering his gun.

"The Tho-" the man was interrupted by his own scream. He folded, holding his head, screaming.

"What's wrong with him?" Tali asked Garrus, but still staring at the man.

"Probably some mental condition. Stay sharp, he could be unpredictable," Garrus answered, now holding his pistol with two hands.

Starting to recover, the man straightened his posture again. "Uh...That was a good one." His tone seemed now more normal, like the pain was lifted. "You're fighting the geth? You're not the only one..."

"What do you mean?" Tali asked him.

"The...Tho-" again the man screamed, but from the midst of all the screams, a word 'Thorian' could be made out. What's a Thorian?

"The Thorian?" Garrus asked, to both Tali and the man. Tali shrugged, she sure didn't know what the man meant.

"It's...underneath," the man spoke slowly, like the words hurt him. "It...wants to...control us..."

"Us?" Tali queried. The man's speech made no sense. What was a Thorian? Who was it trying to control? Why?

"He's mad, Tali," Garrus said to Tali, now lowering his pistol. "We're wasting our time talking to him."

Tali could feel herself slightly agreeing. The man made no sense, and probably wouldn't make sense anytime soon. Like Garrus said: A waste of time.

As they turned towards the door again, the man shouted: "Wait!"

The pair turned back towards him, with Garrus sighing. "What?"

"Zhu's Hope. Underneath it. The colonists...acting...strangely. Because...because..." his speech trailed off, and the man fell into some sort of a catatonia. His eyes stared blankly.

Suddenly, without warning, he leaped forward, towards Garrus. Garrus stepped aside and punched the man straight in the jaw, knocking him out cold. The impact was hard enough to make Tali gasp a quiet 'ouch'. The man fell down, and stayed down. "Way to end a conversation. Wonder what that was about..." Garrus muttered, shaking the hand he had punched the man with.

Tali was more worried about the man. "You think he's all right?" she asked, glancing at Garrus, then turning back to the man. She wore a sympathetic smile, feeling bad for the man. It was not his fault that he was crazy.

"Probably broke his jaw. Heard it crack," Garrus said quite blankly and callously, shrugging. "Shouldn't attack with your mouth open..." he continued, his tone rebuking.

Tali crouched next to the man, opening her omni-tool. She accessed a medical diagnostic program, and a holographic profile of a human male appeared over the tool, surrounded with a series of numbers. A search function appeared before her eyes. Tali muttered three numbers: '34', '56', and '76'. After a few moments, the descriptions appeared.

"Well?" Garrus queried impatiently, crossing his arms.

"His jaw's not broken, just dislocated. I don't really know much about humans, but that doesn't sound any less painful..." Tali replied, cringing slightly as she did. She returned to her feet, shutting down the omni-tool and continuing. "He's not in any danger though,except from what lurks in here. We should get him to safety."

"Meaning I should carry him..." Garrus said bitterly, sighing.

A smirk came to Tali's face. "You're the one who punched him," she reminded the disgruntled turian.

He threw a glare at her. "And you say I annoy you."

…

They blew the door, entering to find the varren dead. After taking the power cells from the vehicle, a familiar voice came over their radios. "Tali, Garrus? Sitrep."

Garrus put his free hand on his ear to answer. The other was occupied holding the man over his shoulder. "Just finished our assignment, Commander. Getting back to the colony now."

"You probably wanna wait...There's something you might wanna know first..."

"What's that?" Garrus asked, glancing towards Tali in nervous expectation. Tali found herself agreeing with him; this couldn't be good.

"There's something beneath the colony, something called the Thorian. It's controlling the colonists, making them act strange. ExoGeni was doing some kind of experiment with them, studying the effects of the Thorian."

Suddenly, it all made sense. The strange behavior, mechanical answers, the crazy man...They were brainwashed, or something similar. Controlled. Another question crossed Tali's mind. "How are they being controlled?"

It took about a second for the answer to cross over the distance from her to Shepard. "The Thorian excretes spores, that, when inhaled, take control of your nervous system. Don't ask me how."

"So that means all of us, except Tali, could be infected?" Garrus chimed in, now looking clearly nervous. For once, Tali was glad for the suit; she sure didn't want to be controlled by some weird alien organism, but neither did she wish her team to be either...This was not good.

"It's possible, yeah," another voice spoke on the radio. It took Tali for a second to connect the voice to a person. Kaidan. "Not probable though. It takes over a day of exposure, I think. Depending on the power of your will, of course."

"Good to know," Garrus responded, adopting more relaxed posture. Or as relaxed one could be with a man over one's shoulder. "What's our next move?"

"The colonists are pretty hostile now," Shepard replied. "Actually, they tried to attack the Normandy, punching and clawing at the exterior. Don't know what triggered that. Probably the Thorian knew what we'd find at ExoGeni." He paused, and Tali heard him sigh. "They're probably protecting that thing, willing to die for it..." he ended ominously.

"We're not going to just kill them, are we Shepard?" Tali asked, her voice slightly raised, mirroring her distress. "It's not their fault!" Seconds after the words had come out, she regretted questioning the Commander, raising her voice to him. Again. It was weird; growing up as the daughter of an Admiral, she had learned not to question orders...Yet none of it seemed to stick. She still questioned authorities. Authorities like Shepard, who didn't deserve her doubt, didn't need it.

But she stood with her opinion. The colonists were not responsible, they didn't deserve to die.

"I agree," Shepard said, and Tali felt very relieved. At least she wouldn't have to kill innocent people... "We have grenades made by one of the scientists in here, in another camp. They should render the colonists unconscious."

"Well..." Garrus began, with a puzzled look on his face, or that's how it seemed to Tali. "...we don't have them. What are we supposed to do?"

"Advance towards the colony. Do what you must," Shepard answered. "If you can take out the colonists without harming them, good, but don't take any risks." He sighed again, now pausing, as if wondering what to say. "This sounds cruel, but still: The colonists are expendable, you two are not. Shepard out."

The radio went quiet, unlike Tali, who huffed. Had Shepard actually ordered them to kill the colonists? She felt stunned, like she had been struck. She really didn't know him... Was this who Shepard was? Someone who'd order others to shoot down civilians?

A feeling of disappointment surfaced, not just towards Shepard, but towards humans as whole. The colonists were used as test subjects by their own...Their own had betrayed them! All of it made Tali feel sick in her stomach once again. She couldn't understand how humans could do that to one another, to their own people...

In midst of the disillusion, feelings of superiority started to shine through; quarians could never do anything like this. Her people would never harm their own...never. Not for any reason, least of all for some research. Sure, risks had to be taken, but this was not a risk. It was certain that these people would be harmed...She couldn't even imagine how horrible it must have been, having no control.

"Let's go," Garrus ordered, reloading his assault rifle with one hand.

Disillusion, superiority, and now determination. "I'm not going to kill the colonists Garrus," she snapped at him, for him to even consider it was heartless... Was he considering it?

Garrus rolled his eyes. "Then what the hell are we supposed to do? Ask them not to shoot us?"

"Your sarcasm is not very helpful," Tali retorted, scowling.

For her slight surprise, again, Garrus sighed, not arguing her point. "I don't like this either, but there's really not any other way."

Tali couldn't argue against him.

Maybe Shepard was right..._ 'You're not expendable...' _

It was the only part of this that sounded good.


	7. The Visits

**Hello, again.**

**Sorry for the delay, have something ridiculous called a job that takes almost all my time.  
**

**Which leads to delays. Dunno about the next chapter, have the next week again full of that...work.**

**Okay, let's get this over with: **

* * *

Tali worked frantically in the core room, calibrating various systems, shutting down sub-programs, starting other sub-programs, setting different marks and goals... To an outsider, her work looked extremely complicated and difficult, and it was, but she had been doing it for many years. Her fingers almost moved on their own, hitting various controls on the holographic panel. Her eyes peered at the screen, gathering the correct information almost instinctively. Her brain processed the data fast, guiding her fingers, her eyes.

Repetitive work, where a single mistake could be quite costly... The work of a VI, perhaps, but she had wanted to do it by herself. To drown her thoughts. To not think about Feros, about the colonists.

About how she had killed them. It hurt, terribly. They were innocent, and she had just pulled the trigger.

To save herself... They were firing at her, trying to kill her... What was she supposed to do? Die?

She hadn't wanted to kill the colonists, but neither did she wish to die. Her self-preservation had overridden her morals, forcing her to survive...to do things... things she hadn't wanted to. The memories kept haunting her, eating her up from inside. It weighed her down, hurt her.

Sometimes she just wanted to give up. Like now.

Flipping the VI mode back on, she started towards a bench in the corner of the room. She sat down on it, feeling the moistening of her eyes. A single tear rolled down her cheek, down along her face. It landed somewhere on the helmet, somewhere she couldn't see.

It was not the last. There came a second, a third, a fourth...Her body started to shake, to sway as they came, with quiet sobs accompanying them.

She wasn't a soldier...Not even the training her father had given her changed that fact. She was now sure; she didn't like killing.

The geth were different, they deserved what they got...but those colonists didn't.

They didn't deserve it... It was all her fault.

A chime filled the air. The door. Someone was coming. She quickly tried to collect herself; nobody needed to see her like this, this weak. It took a moment, but she managed to stop her shaking and swaying, managed to hold back the sobs. Her voice would reveal it all though... She hoped she didn't need to use it.

The door opened, and in stepped...Shepard. "Hello?" His head kept turning around the room, eyes glancing. As he noticed Tali in the corner, a slight smile appeared on his face. "Hi."

He began approaching her, Tali desperately trying to swallow the tears, the weakness. "Hello," she answered quietly.

Sitting beside her, Shepard spoke again: "You okay?"

"I'm fine," Tali said quietly, steadying her voice, making it sound metallic, robotic. Unemotional.

"That's why you're sitting in here? In the corner, alone?"

Tali glanced at Shepard, and could see him staring back. There wasn't even a hint of a smile on his face anymore, only...worry. Was he worried about her? Who, exactly, was he worried about? Tali the quarian machinist, or Tali the person? He could order others to kill civilians, so it was clear he didn't care about anything else except the mission. Still, hiding her disappointment, she answered in a civil manner: "You don't need to worry."

"Maybe not, but I still do."

"M-my f-feelings won't affect the mission," Tali replied, her attempt to hide the shaking of her voice failing. Maybe it didn't sound very convincing, but it was the truth. She had done what Shepard had ordered, even though it hurt her. Her feelings didn't affect the mission, but whether it was a good, or a bad thing, she didn't know.

"That's not what I asked."

Not what he asked? What did he ask?_ 'You okay?' _Did he really mean that, or was this just some game? To make her think he cared, to create loyalty among his crew? He didn't care about the colonists, so why should he care about his crew?

As Tali remained silent, Shepard sighed, then spoke: "I didn't like what happened. They were people with families, friends, relatives..." He sighed again. "But we didn't have enough grenades, enough time to save them all..."

"Perhaps," Tali quietly spoke, reflecting her feelings. She knew everything he said was true, but it didn't make it any better, make her feel any better. He had still ordered them to shoot. Ordered her to shoot...

"You angry at me?"

No. Disappointed, though Tali wasn't sure if that was something she should mention to him... That she had put him on a pedestal; a charming, dashing, fascinating Commander, who had saved her, and brought her to his castle, the Normandy. She felt incredibly silly, doing such a childish thing. Yet she had, and did... It was stupid. He was just a person, just like her. Not some hero she'd pictured him. Stupid. She was stupid. "No," she said softly, trying not to sound curt.

"Okay," Shepard replied.

"I just think that we...we should have done more..." Tali said quietly, hanging her head.

"Like what?" His tone was friendly, not arguing.

"I don't know." Her brain agreed with Shepard; they hadn't had enough time, enough supplies to save them all; it had simply not been possible. But her heart disagreed; she felt like she could have done more, not just shot at them...Reflexes, training, or just will to survive... They were all valid reasons, but felt like excuses. To be sloppy, to not try her best. Hadn't she tried her best?

"You shouldn't feel guilty over what happened. From what Garrus told me, they had opened fire at you two," he chuckled, once, twice. "Actually he told me you saved him," the smile disappeared, the chuckles faded away. "It was just self-defense."

"But I just shot them..." she said quietly, her voice trailing off, breaking. Again something fell down on her cheeks, leaving cold, wet trails behind.

"You can't change what happened," Shepard softly said. "If you start dwelling, you'll never stop."

"B-but it was my fault," Tali whispered with her broken, shaking voice.

"No, it wasn't," Shepard said lowly. "The colonists were infected by ExoGeni, which was not your fault. The Thorian ordered them to shoot at you, which was not your fault. You defended yourself, which was not a fault, but the right thing to do." He lowered his head. "And it was me who ordered you to do what's necessary. You disagreed. You did nothing wrong."

"Then why do I feel wrong?" again whispering, tears still pouring on her face.

"Isn't it clear?"

Tali looked at him again, seeing his hanging head, his crossed fingers. "Sorry?"

"You try to do the right thing," he turned at her. "You gave me the recording, and didn't ask anything in return."

"It was just the right thing to do," Tali replied quietly, almost whispering.

"You wanted to fight Saren, again asking nothing, but risking your life."

Tali snorted lowly. "The galaxy is my home too. I would be stupid not to help."

"Yeah, but mostly inhabited by people who despise your kind, your people."

She remained quiet. He was right; she would only get discrimination and mean looks as a reward for all this... But she wasn't doing this for a reward. "I-I'm doing this because it's the r-right thing, not because I'm looking for any reward." Her voice still quiet, still slightly trembling.

"And you always defend your people, stand up against anyone."

"Quarians are my people," she continued quietly, voice shaking. "They g-gave me all that I have. A-all I can do is try and pay that back."

"Most people wouldn't care."

"I care," her voice was now more adamant, but still quiet.

"I know. And that makes you a good person," Shepard said softly.

At the words, she felt warmth in her heart. _'A good person'. _It sounded very nice, especially coming from him, but it just wasn't the truth. "I don't feel good."

Shepard chuckled quietly. "That's how good people feel."

Wise. The warmth spread, drawing her lips into a smile, bending them. It all sounded so very nice, felt so good. His words sounded good. Maybe they were the truth? She still didn't feel glad or happy, but she felt good. He made it so. But it just wasn't good enough. "Thanks, Shepard," she said, her voice now more strong, more clear. "But words can't help. Not with this."

"I know." His head lowered again. "And I'm sorry I gave the order."

Sorry. He was sorry. She'd thought him heartless, cruel. It was good to be wrong. "It's okay," she quietly said, smiling. "There was no other way."

"Doesn't make it any better."

Tali's smile widened. "I know."

They glanced at each other, and sat in silence, in darkness.

…

Buzzing of her shields. They ring.

Instinctively, her arm rises. Her finger squeezes, and the pistol in her hand erupts. Fire. Human man. The man falls down, dead.

She is shocked over the event. Her eyes wide, mouth wide. What has she done?

Red light, flickering. Must take cover.

Her body obeys her conditioned reflexes, and she goes down, behind a box of metal, of stone.

There she sits, puzzled over the event. What just happened?

…

"Tali!" a flanging voice calls, calls to her.

"Shoot them!" it orders, asks, needs.

She saws Garrus in the corner, the humans approaching him, their weapons firing. He cannot fight back, he will die without her.

What is she supposed to do? She doesn't like him, but neither does want him to be killed. To kill him, for if she doesn't help, it would be the same if she killed him herself.

He doesn't deserve to die.

But neither do the humans, the colonists.

She chooses.

Chooses firing.

…

She doesn't remember how many times they did this. Four? Five?

The creeper swings, she ducks under, kicking it onto its leg as she does. The creeper falls down, and she shoots it in the head. By routine, by instinct does her body work.

More creepers charge, but a wall of fire stops them. Shepard on her right, Wrex on her left, the three shotguns they hold sing their grim songs. Songs of death.

The end of the creepers. The large tentacle next.

The whole team shoots at it, and it's drawn back by the Thorian.

The ground shakes, trembles. Something large fell.

The Thorian is dead.

…

Blue woman, an asari. The asari speaks to Shepard, but she cannot hear the words. She cannot hear anything, cannot feel anything. Only emptiness.

Nor can she remember.

The woman touches Shepard's forehead, drawing her attention. Few seconds pass. Shepard is takes a step back, staggers. Is he hurt?

Even through her shocked, empty state does that thought register. Feeling of worry is clear. She wonders if he is alright, hopes that he isn't hurt.

That part is clear.

…

She runs, runs fast. The figure is still chasing her, it's not letting up. All the dark, gray corridors swirl around her as she runs. She cuts around corners, desperately trying to shake the figure.

Glancing over her shoulder to see it, her feet hit into something. She crashes down to the ground hard, it hurts. Curious over what tripped her, she looks back.

It's a corpse, of one of the colonists. Doyle was her name. Tali remembers her clearly, remembers seeing her through her sights, pulling the trigger. Remembers killing her.

She hears steps, and sees the figure towering over her. She sees purple fabrics tightly wrapped around its black outfit. The color is very familiar, and as her eyes travel along the figure's body, she knows why.

The figure is her.

Her double moves her hands on her temples, and Tali hears a quiet hiss. The sound of a mask coming off. The mask drops to the ground, shattering.

Tali looks at her own face. Except that it is not her own.

It's a geth.

The geth buzzes, raising its arm. The pistol in it goes off, making a deafening sound.

Tali knows she's been hit. Lowering her head, she sees the bullet hole in her abdomen. It bleeds profusely.

She falls down next to the corpse of Doyle.

Everything goes black.

…

Tali and Shepard keep marching forward, eager to save the colonists. It is good that they brought non-lethal ammunition with them, for if they hadn't...The mere thought of it made Tali shudder. Unlike the standard slugs normally thrown by their weapons, they had small darts capable of delivering a powerful electric jolt. So, basically, they just rendered whatever they hit unconscious.

But it was good to have them with them. They were the perfect tools for the job.

Suddenly, someone began firing at them. The duo quickly took cover, avoiding the damage to their shields, to themselves. Tali glanced at Shepard, who nodded.

They quickly rose up from behind the cover, and began firing at the colonists. Each shot Tali fired landed perfectly, disabling the colonists.

And as quickly it had begun, it ended.

"Impressive shooting, " Shepard complimented her.

She felt a smile rising to her face. Every compliment coming from him felt twice as good, was twice the worth. "Thanks, but it's just due to my training..."

"Doesn't make it any less impressive," Shepard responded, a slight grin on his face.

Tali felt warmth on her face, and her head lowered slightly, her hands began fidgeting against each other. She didn't like receiving compliments. Well, actually she did, but she didn't know how to feel about them...They made her feel special, something she was not. "You seem to be quite fixated with that word," Tali remarked quietly.

"Not the only thing I'm fixated on..." Shepard replied. Tali was besot; he had never before...It was very sudden and...pleasant. Very pleasant.

As Tali raised her head back up again, she saw Shepard staring directly into her eyes. Her eyes narrowed as she smirked, and apparently Shepard understood, because his grin widened as well. Tali crossed her arms, and tilted her head; she could feel her confidence bolstered, growing. "Is that really so?" she asked, her tone soft, seductive.

"Maybe," Shepard said, taking a step towards her. "What do you think?"

"I don't know. How would you like me to feel?" Her tone was even the more soft, more seductive.

He stood now directly in front of her, still staring into her eyes.

Suddenly, he pushed her against the wall, and kissed her. She didn't understand how, she had the mask... But the mask had now vanished, and his lips were caressing hers. It felt extremely good, and the warmth she had felt began to spread to her entire body. She responded to his kiss, taking his lower lip between hers, gently nibbling it with her teeth.

He moaned lowly, and his hands began rubbing her shoulders, squeezing them. She wrapped her arms around him, as his started to lower. They slowly went along her arms, gently squeezing them, stroking them. It felt so very good, and she let out a quiet moan as well. His hands kept on lowering, now resting on her hips, caressing them. They slowly began working their way towards her behind, stroking her as they did. They reach her bottom, and began-

…

Tali's eyes opened, and she saw the orange dome of the sleeping pod. Feeling disoriented, it took a while for her to acknowledge her whereabouts, to get back to the real world. She was on the Normandy, Shepard's ship, and had been sleeping in a sleeping pod. It had all been a dream. Unfortunately.

She pressed the button beside her, and the dome opened.

Shepard. Again he crept into her dreams...and it was a vivid one this time. It had felt real, except that it was just impossible. At least in here, in the real world. Why did she keep dreaming about him? He was on her mind day and night, he just wouldn't leave her alone. Why couldn't she just shake these thoughts?

It was impossible. She could never do the things with him she dreamed about. She'd get sick, and most likely die. Why can't he just go away?

She threw her feet over the bunk's edge, and lowered her head. Like she needed any more things to contemplate, the events on Feros would have been enough...but now this as well. What could she even do?

The colonists. After the first attack, everything had been mostly black. She didn't remember much of anything about the Thorian, about...shooting the other colonists.

And some things she remembered clearly, like they happened a minute ago. She remembered looking at the colonists through her sights, pulling the trigger. She even remembered some of them falling down, dying. The rest was just black, emptiness. Maybe it was better that way.

She jumped to the floor, and flexed her shoulder blades, making quiet popping sounds as she did. Walking forward, towards the mess hall, she began flexing her neck as well, the neck cracking and popping as well.

Turning around a corner, she bumped into something, someone."Sorry," she apologized, figuring that the someone was just one of the crew.

She quickly began walking forward again, not looking back. A familiar voice stopped her. "Tali."

Turning around, she saw that the someone had been Shepard...Great. "Hi, Shepard," she greeted him. "And sorry, and bye." Shepard was definitely not someone she wanted to see right now. Well, actually she did, since she always liked seeing him, but...just not now. She had things to think about. Things like him.

So she began walking forward again, leaving Shepard staring after her. But he spoke again, stopping her again. "Having bad dreams?"

She didn't turn, just lowered her head.

Apparently Shepard understood. "You wanna talk?"

Tali decided not to lie to him. She couldn't stand that right now. "No, not really," she quietly responded.

"Sure," he replied. Somehow his voice sounded...disappointed. "I'll be in my office, if you need something." Tali began hearing steps from behind her.

Something in his voice made her wish to speak. She really didn't want to, but felt compelled to. "Shepard," she called him, and the sound of steps stopped. She slowly turned around, and could see Shepard staring back from the darkness. "Do you want to talk?" she asked him quietly.

"Well, if you don't want to..." Shepard answered, just as quietly.

"I'll talk to you if you want to."

Shepard chuckled lightly, and sighed right after, the smile disappearing as quickly as it came. "Sure."

Tali gestured towards the mess hall, and took a seat at the table, with Shepard sitting down opposite to her. Both kept looking at their hands for moment, sitting in silence. It was Shepard who spoke first. "You dreamed of Feros?"

Among other things, yes. At first, she wasn't sure if that was a question at all, but it seemed to be. "Yes."

"Bad dreams?"

Tali's head lowered even still, looking straight at the table. "I don't want to talk about that, Shepard," she pleaded to him quietly. She didn't wish to cry again.

"Of course."

Another moment of silence came to pass, which this time was broken by Tali, who'd raised her head back up. "Did you want to talk about something?"

Shepard seemed to hesitate for a moment before answering. "Nothing in particular."

"You're not sleeping either," Tali remarked.

Now it was Shepard's turn to lower his head. "Yeah, I'm not."

"Are you having dreams?"

Shepard chuckled lightly. "Can't even get there...Too many thoughts."

"What are you thinking about?"

The head of Shepard rose a little. "About the mission, the crew...the Council..." he chuckled again, this time sounding more bitter. "I don't have a shortage of problems..."

"I think I know how you feel..."

Shepard raised his brow in curiosity, like encouraging her to go on.

What should she tell him? Of the dream? No, no, no... And neither did she wish to speak about the colonists... There was something else though... It had been moved to the background in her mind, moved aside by bigger things, more important things. "My Pilgrimage," Tali began. "I still need to find something for the Flotilla. There's..." she hesitated to say the rest... She didn't want to burden him...but maybe he wanted to know... "...a lot expected of me."

"Your family's expecting a lot? Or what do you mean?" Shepard asked, the conversational brow changed into a quizzical one.

"I wish it were just that," Tali replied quietly, and sighed. "My father is the head of the Admiralty Board."

His eyes went shut and his brow wrinkled, like he was trying to remember what the Admiralty Board was. Tali was just about to help him recall, when he spoke. "The military government of the Fleet?"

Smiling, Tali nodded. "Yes." His knowledge no longer surprised her, but it did made her feel good, like her people were important, interesting. Interesting to a man like him..."My father's responsible for lives of 17 million quarians." She hung her head. "I guess the job stuck..."

"What do you mean?"

"Being in that kind of a position...you can't make mistakes..." she sighed again. "And he expected the same from his daughter..."

"Sounds tough."

"It was, sort of." All the memories of her childhood surfaced; some children bullying her, everyone expecting so much from her. Especially her father, and especially after her technical skills began revealing themselves...Some even called her a prodigy. It was embarrassing, and stressing... She always had to excel, always be the best. Some children resented her because of that, began bullying her. It did stop after her father stepped in, but then the bullying changed; they began ostracizing her. _'The Admiral's daughter'_. She felt like an outcast...

"Tali?"

As Shepard's voice woke her from her daydreams, she winced. "Sorry. I was just thinking back..."

"About your childhood?"

"Yes," Tali replied quietly, her head still hanging low.

"Bad memories?"

"Some of them," she answered, her voice still quiet. "I didn't have many friends growing up."

"Sorry to hear that."

Third moment of silence. Both of them kept looking at their own hands in the table. This time, it was Shepard's turn again to break it. "You close with your father?"

Tali almost chuckled out loud. Close with her father... Even the idea was pretty ridiculous, except that it just wasn't funny. She hadn't even seen her father's face...A thought that made her extremely sad, now that she was actually thinking about it. "My father's not a person you bond with...I mean...He cares about me, but he's just never showed it."

Almost immediately after saying the words, something came to her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to open up like that. You must have your own problems..."

Shepard chuckled quietly. "I did ask."

Tali smiled slightly, but the vanished quickly. "You did, but still..." Just like her voice.

"I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know," Shepard remarked, raising an eyebrow.

"I guess you wouldn't," Tali agreed quietly. She smiled again, which this time lasted. He wanted to know about her...It was a pleasant thought...

"Well guessed. You're clever," Shepard remarked again, this time clearly sarcastically though. Tali's smile turned into a quiet laugh, and Shepard continued. "So, about your father. This not good enough for him?" He gestured around him.

"You're going to give me the Normandy?" Tali asked and tilted her head, grinning as she did.

"I don't think the Alliance would appreciate that. Or the Council," Shepard retorted, his face drawn into a slight grin. "But I meant the whole mission, so I guess I have to take the clever -compliment back..."

Tali let out a quiet laugh. "That's too bad..." Shepard smiled as well, probably because of her reaction. He looked pleased with himself... Tali cleared her throat, then began really answering his question. "Well, quarians don't generally care about things that don't affect the Flotilla directly...Probably because nobody cares about us either."

"Well, this will affect the Flotilla...At some point."

"You're right, but it's still just not the same..."

"What does your father think about this anyway? He's at least proud?" Shepard asked, leaning back on his chair.

Tali lowered her head, probably in embarrassment. She didn't expect him to understand "Actually, I haven't even told him."

"Really?" Shepard asked, his brow raising.

"Well, I have sent him messages to let him know I'm all right, but I haven't said anything about...," she gestured around, like Shepard before. "...any of this." She began shaking her head slightly "He wouldn't understand."

"Not understand? Now I don't understand."

"He'd call Saren a human problem, the Council's problem, not quarians'. He'd say that I have to concentrate on my Pilgrimage, that there's a lot expected of me...And he'd say that I'll just get killed..."

"Encouraging man..."

Tali chuckled bitterly. "He is."

Shepard leaned back, and crossed his leg over his knee. "So. What would you need for your Pilgrimage?"

Tali shrugged. "Some bring new ships, some resources or fuel, new technology...but I want to bring something bigger, larger. Something that could get us closer to reclaiming our Homeworld." She stared dreamingly at nowhere. "Maybe something that would help us to better understand the geth, how they've evolved..." She could imagine coming home, bringing with her something grand, something that could forever change the destinies of the entire Fleet. She could see auntie Raan coming to meet her, hugging her. Kal'Reegar, shaking her hand, welcoming her back home...Ma'am. She grinned at the thought. How many times had she told him to call her Tali... And last, she could see her father's approving gaze, him telling her how proud he is...

Silly dream...Like her father would ever...

"I guess we could do that."

Tali woke from her slumber, and was confused. "D-do what?"

"Find you something."

Hands in front of her, she began shaking her head. "No, Shepard. I'm not going to ask you to do that." She dropped her hands, and smiled. "I'll find something on my own, after this is done. But thanks."

"Don't be stupid," Shepard retorted. "Of course I'll help you."

Thoughts rose inside her. He was kind to help, but she didn't want to hurt the mission...and neither did he. Him helping her...Again, she felt warmth in her heart. "I-I...I don't know what to say..."

Shepard snorted, amused "You don't have to say anything. I should thank you." Tali tilted her head inquiringly, causing Shepard to clarify. "You're here. I'm sure you can figure it out what I mean."

He meant about the mission, her being a part of that... She smiled again. "I'm happy to be here."

Shepard looked into her eyes, and smiled. Smiled, like her, behind her mask of glass. He just couldn't see it.


	8. The Beast

**And here I am again, here to entertain you...Hopefully.**

**Had lots of work, now less, so maybe can concentrate on writing now more...**

**Thanks to Robert Falcon, my faithful beta for his contributions to this chapter... Writing when you're tired is not a good idea...**

**Here we go!**

* * *

Another week had passed. Tali had now spent three weeks on-board the Normandy, the most advanced ship the human Alliance had. It was still sometimes hard to believe that she actually was where she was. Sometimes she didn't believe it, so she pinched herself, wondering if it was all just a dream. Both fortunately, and unfortunately, it wasn't.

Another week. A week had passed since she had...shot at the colonists. She thanked her suit, her weak immune system; because of the fever caused by the suit rupture, she really didn't remember much of the event. Of how she had...killed them.

She had tried not to think about that too much. It always made her sad, made her want to cry. Like Shepard had said: there was really nothing that she could do about that. Not anymore.

Shepard... After that dream a few days ago, she had started to become scared of sleeping. She just couldn't understand why he kept haunting her all day and all night. Why couldn't he just leave her alone?

It was not because she didn't like him...She did, more than she herself probably knew. It was because there was nothing she could do about it. How could Shepard even notice her, even consider her? He did...seem to like her, since he had talked to her...twice now, not counting all the short conversations they had had during dinners. She did like that, but it also hurt her... As closer he came, the farther he seemed to be.

Still, she did like speaking to him...

But even if he...cared...how could she do that do him? Tear him away from all the things other women could give him...Without dying, that is. She couldn't even kiss...

Without even noticing, she sighed out loud.

Kaidan's forehead wrinkled, and he looked at her from under his brow. "Worries, Tali?" His fingers still kept tapping away at his workstation.

Tali snapped awake from her slumber. "N-no!" She gasped, perhaps too loud...Now he would most certainly suspect something... Even her hands had stopped working, something she immediately tried to remedy.

Kaidan's brow wrinkled even more. "If you say so."

Closing her eyes, Tali tried to focus her mind at the task before her; the probe they had picked up yesterday... She managed to find her trail of thought, and continued working. If the probe would allow her to work, that is.

_Data not found. Data not found..._

Tali bit her lip, desperately trying to stay calm, and continued working.

_Incorrect input, please try again._

This time, biting a lip didn't help. First her stupid sigh, then her gasp...now this. "Damn it! Work bosh'tet!" She almost beat the keyboard with her fingers as she forcefully kept tapping.

She could hear a quiet chuckle coming from Kaidan. "I don't think that's gonna work." She stopped, as if ordered, and just kept glaring at the console. Kaidan, having discontinued his work too, wrinkled his brow again, his head slightly tilted. "Are you okay?"

No? Yes? What should she say? "Y-yes." That was convincing... She lowered her head, desperately trying to figure out a good excuse to escape the situation. She came up with one..."N-no...I guess I'm little tired."

"Understandable," Kaidan replied, nodding his head. "You've been working almost non-stop, since..." His head sunk, along with his expression. "...since..."

Feros. He was talking about Feros... Tali had been so wrapped in her own problems, that she hadn't even thought about how it had affected everyone else. She felt incredibly selfish, and subsequently: Bad. "Are you okay Kaidan?" How could she be so inconsiderate? It had taken her this long to understand, that this was not just about her...

Kaidan slowly raised his head, and sighed."I'll be okay. Don't worry too much."

Her hands began fidgeting nervously against each other, her head stayed quite low, and she nervously kept biting her lips. "I'm sorry I didn't ask you sooner...I wasn't thinking."

"Don't worry about it, Tali. I'll be fine." A slight smile came to his face. "But thanks for asking anyway."

They both stood there for a while, and slowly, eventually, Kaidan started working on the probe again. "You should get some rest. _If _you are feeling tired..." He glanced Tali again from under his brow.

If...Truthfully, she was a little tired, but not enough to stop working. Her being down had other reasons. Reasons she didn't wish to share...Or rather a reason. Somebody.

She quietly sighed again, and restarted working. Now, having calmed down, she easily managed to avoid the errors of last time, and could continue working on the probe. As she worked, she noticed Kaidan staring at her. He had again stopped working. "What are you looking at?"

"I thought you said you were tired."

"I...did. But I'm not feeling that tired anymore."

"Oh?" Kaidan brow now rose a bit, and his mouth began to curl, like he was hiding a smile. "Then why are you working at the wrong keyboard?"

Tali stopped, and noticed that he was right. "Oh..." she let out a frustrated moan, and crashed down to a chair nearby.

"You should really get some rest. I'll get Garrus to help if I need it," Kaidan said, nodding towards the turian working at the Mako near them.

"I guess you're right.." Tali muttered, got up, and started towards the elevator. As she passed Garrus, they exchanged nods. They weren't still particularly friendly to each other, but neither were they hostile, at least not anymore.

Something that couldn't be said about Garrus and Wrex... Still, weeks after Garrus had voiced his opinion about the genophage, they were openly hostile. Shepard was probably the only thing keeping them from each other's throats...

Tali stopped in front of the elevator, and called it. She glanced at the display over the elevator's door, and saw that it was at the top floor. It would take a while for it to come down.

Suddenly, a large shadow was cast over her. She turned her head to the right, and saw Wrex standing next to her. "Hello, Wrex..." Tali greeted him, her voice seeming to shrink in his presence.

"Quarian."

The elevator rang, and the doors opened. Both stepped in, and Tali sent the elevator to second floor. She turned at Wrex. "Where do you go?"

"The same," he growled.

"Right."

The doors closed, and the elevator began to ascend. Tali wrapped her hands together, her fingers fidgeting, and she kept glancing at Wrex. She had never seen a krogan before, and while she knew that Wrex was quite peaceful, for a krogan, she still felt nervous...He was just so large, and could crush her with one hand...She felt very small, and fragile.

"Stop twitching," Wrex grumbled, only his red, bestial eyes turning to Tali. "I'll warn you if I'm gonna eat you."

"S-sorry. I just haven't seen many krogan before..."

"We're not that wondrous."

"Well, you are large, and...have a reputation," Tali carefully tried to suggest the reason for her shakiness...

Now Wrex's whole head turned at her. "So do you, _quarian._"

"The quarians' reputation is less..." she tried to pick a word that would describe the krogan generally, but still not be offensive...A hard task.

Apparently Wrex decided to help her. "What? Monstrous?"

"I was going to say violent..." Tali muttered, starting to feel quite anxious about the conversation. It was not like Wrex was making any threatening gestures, but rather the whole demeanor of his that made it so...He just seemed to radiate some raw, untamed power.

Wrex turned his head back straight. "Violent to some, normal to some. You shouldn't look everything through that glass of yours."

"That's...smart." This wasn't the first time Wrex had surprised her. Almost right after she had met Shepard and his team, right after showing the evidence to them at the elevator...Wrex seemed to be different...Or were the krogan different? Was Wrex just a normal krogan?

"You were expecting something else?" Wrex growled.

"Well...I... You do know what the galaxy thinks of your people? You are hardly considered to be thinkers."

Wrex snorted with his rasp, low voice. "Makes it easier, doesn't it?" Tali tilted her head quizzically; she didn't know what his vague reference meant. "The Genophage." he said, a little louder this time, like he was annoyed. "Justifying it."

"What do you mean?" Tali asked, her head still tilted.

Quietly growling, Wrex answered: "It's easier to justify the Genophage, when all krogan are mindless beasts."

Tali began frowning. Wrex's words had weird wisdom, like he was very old and had seen much. Come to think of it, Tali didn't know how old Wrex was. The krogan were said to be able to live for over a millennium, unless destroyed. Was he that old? "Well, you're clearly not mindless, Wrex. You're actually very different to what the stories on the Flotilla told about your people."

Wrex again snorted. "I'm old."

Tali was just about to ask how old he was, when the doors opened, and Wrex stepped through.

…

"Tali!"

As soon as she had managed to close her eyes, somebody was already waking her back up...Go get some rest...Now she wished she could.

She opened the dome by pressing a button, and searched with her eyes for the holler. It was Garrus. "Suit up. We're answering to a distress call in Hades Gamma cluster."

"Distress call? Where are we now? What about Artemis Tau Cluster and Doctor T'Soni?"

Garrus shrugged. "Wondered that myself, but apparently this is on the way anyway, so why not?" Despite his words, he didn't look very excited.

"What's on the way?"

"I'll tell you while we walk." He gestured Tali to follow him. "C'mon."

Tali jumped to the floor, and half-jogged, half-walked to him. They started towards the elevator on the way to the lower deck.

Garrus called the elevator, which was still at the same floor, since Tali had used it only a few minutes ago. As had Wrex...Wonder where he was?

But Tali had other things to think about, like this sudden mission. So, after they stepped inside the elevator, Tali spoke: "So, what's this mission about?"

"An Alliance survey group's gone missing. They haven't answered to any calls, or been in contact with the ExoGeni for a while. Some Alliance Admiral asked if we'd have time to investigate," Garrus' tone made it quite clear that he didn't really care about this distraction. He kept tapping the 'close the doors' -button quickly. The doors obliged.

"It seems that we do..." Tali muttered, slightly agreeing with him. This was a distraction, but there were also lives at stake, and if they could save them, instead of just..taking them, it would be very good.

The elevator began to descend.

"So... Why is an Alliance survey group working with ExoGeni?"

Garrus gave her another one of those 'you're stupid' -looks of his. "Subcontracting."

"Right," Tali muttered, and felt her cheeks blushing.

A while went by in silence, the elevator grumbling and clattering in the background.

"So...How was that suit breach? You got sick?" Garrus asked, quite suddenly.

Tali glanced at his direction, but saw that he wasn't looking at hers. "I'm...okay now. Thanks." Okay...She couldn't find a better word to describe how she exactly didn't feel. She wasn't okay...she had tons of things on her mind, none of them pleasant.

"Good to hear," Garrus responded, rather rigidly.

After pondering for a second whether or not to ask the following, Tali decided to go through with it. "What about you?"

"You mean Feros?" Garrus asked, now his head turned at her. Tali looked back and nodded. Garrus's head sunk a little "The mission succeeded. That's what's important."

"What about...the colonists?"

Garrus's mandibles fidgeted once or twice, and it looked like that he was biting his teeth together. "It wasn't...very nice."

"It wasn't..." Tali agreed with him, her head sunk as well.

As the elevator kept descending, the duo stood quiet, heads hung low.

"You know something, Tali?"

Her brow wrinkled. "Know what?"

"You're..." he let out an embarrassed chuckle, interrupting himself "...okay."

Tali chuckled lightly as well. "Did you just figure that out?" she asked mischievously, grinning behind her mask.

Garrus chuckled again, this time louder. "Looks like it..."

Again, both were silent, but this time their heads weren't hanging.

"Well I guess you're...tolerable. As well," Tali said, her head turned at Garrus, face drawn into a wide grin.

"And you did also just figure that out?" Garrus retorted, his mandibles flickering.

"You didn't make it easy to figure," Tali responded, still impishly.

Garrus's head turned "And you did?"

Tali began frowning "I did save you."

"I saved you twice."

"So did I."

"So we are counting points?"

"Apparently you are, but as usual; incorrectly."

"Ouch," Garrus gasped, faking a hurt reaction. Then suddenly, the hurt disappeared, and his mandibles began flickering again. "That some of that quarian arrogance again?"

Tali crossed her arms. "That won't work this time. You should figure out something new."

"Just give me time."

…

After getting their weapons from Chief Williams, the whole team of five was spread around the Mako, a large APC kept within Normandy's cargo bay. Tali didn't even know why they were there, since Chief Williams hadn't mentioned the reason for it, and Shepard hadn't shown himself.

So she decided to ask. "Lieutenant, are we waiting for something?"

Kaidan frowned slightly "Yeah, for the mission to begin."

"But why here? Shouldn't we be at the airlock? Like the last time?" Before the mission at Feros, they had grouped at the airlock...Not now, it seems...

His frowning deepened "You don't know?"

Now Tali's brow wrinkled as well " Know what?"

The burrow of his brow lifted, and he began smiling. "You'll see..."

"See what?" Tali asked, but their conversation was interrupted by Shepard entering the room.

Shepard wore his usual dark gray armor with N7 logo on its chest, probably an Alliance standard armor for elite soldiers... Since he was wearing his armor, it seemed that he was expecting trouble...But of what sort?

"Alright!" he said, hitting his hands together. "Let's get into the tin can."

"Is Saren here?" Wrex asked, having turned completely to Shepard.

"Probably not."

"What are we doing here then?" the krogan growled a question.

"Distress call. Figure it out," Shepard answered strictly.

Wrex didn't answer, just growled lowly.

"Is that all?" Shepard asked, looking at the five members of his team in turn. As none spoke, he did. "Let's go, then."

Of course, Tali had seen the Mako already countless times, but hadn't yet been inside it. This should be interesting... Quarians didn't have war machines like it at all, the military of the Flotilla relied on fast shuttles to provide backup for their lightly equipped and fast strike teams. Not these wheeled...things. It was weird that humans used these, and not shuttles. Shuttles were a lot faster, and could be used in a same way...Except... They couldn't fit into as small of places, where this armored vehicle could...And shuttles were also expensive... These were most likely cheaper.

First in went Williams, who climbed on top of the vehicle, and opened a large hatch. She disappeared into it shortly after. Then, rather clumsily, over the vehicle climbed Wrex, who barely managed to get through that same hatch. Thirdly, was Kaidan. As he took a few steps towards the vehicle, the voice of Shepard stopped him. "You're driving."

Alenko turned, frowning. "Why don't you drive?"

Shepard shrugged. "Lazy. And Commander. Now shoo." He made a few over-exaggerated waves with his hand.

Kaidan sighed, shook his head, and started towards the Mako, to which he climbed over, and dropped inside. After him went Garrus, and then was Tali's turn. She walked to the vehicle, grabbed a handle at it's side, put her leg on top of one of the wheels, and pulled herself on top. She rose to one knee, then back to her feet. As she stood over the vehicle, she realized how high the Mako actually was; it was a lot more 'taller' than her... She looked down, towards the floor, and began feeling slightly dizzy, scared. She wasn't used to heights; the Flotilla didn't have any altitudes, just decks. It was weird, seeing something from higher...And scary. Tali decided that she had had enough, and sat down on top, her legs hanging in the open hatch. Noticing that the distance was surprisingly low, she jumped inside.

As soon as she landed on her feet, she began exploring the surroundings with her eyes. The inside was quite different, and contrasting, to the outside; unlike the clinically white exterior, the interior was dark gray, with red lights illuminating it. Tali saw Garrus sitting at her left side, and Wrex at her right.

"Tali!" someone hollered her. As she turned over, she saw that it had been Williams. "Go sit next to Mr. Grumpy." she pointed at Wrex. Next to her, was Kaidan...Both of them had their backs at Tali, so they were most likely sitting at the driver's and the gunner's seats.

As Tali began moving towards her place, she noticed how very low the interior actually was. Even she, the small quarian girl that she was, had to crouch a bit to be able to move forward without hitting her head. She couldn't imagine how uncomfortable this must have been for Wrex... As she glanced at the krogan while walking past him, she noticed that he looked especially sour... Or maybe he always looked like that? Williams had called him grumpy, and looking at his expression, he certainly earned that name...

She found her seat at Wrex's right side, and sat down at it. Then she just crossed her hands, and just waited to see what's next. After a moment, she heard something dropping to the Mako's floor, and felt it shake slightly. Then she heard steps, seeing Shepard sitting right across her, having put his helmet on.

Shepard moved his hand on his ear, and began speaking. "Joker? ETA?"

"Two minutes out, Commander." Joker's voice boomed from both the Mako's intercom, and Tali's own. It was rather disrupting, so she shut her radio off. "Just reaching orbit."

"Excellent work, once again..." Shepard replied to him, most certainly sarcastically.

"I try my best."

Shepard stood up from his seat. "Listen up!" Everyone inside the Mako turned at him. "The drop is in two minutes. Get ready!"

Tali saw Shepard sitting down, fastening his seatbelt. Deciding to just follow his example, Tali fastened hers as well.

Perhaps this mission would be better than the last one...It had to, for she couldn't imagine anything going worse than Feros... Hopefully the survey team was all right, and their communication devices had just ran out of batteries or something...Hopefully. But she had already learned that things most often didn't go the way she hoped.

"All right, Commander! The cargo door's open. Go flying." Again Joker's voice filled the Mako.

"Will do!" Shepard responded, hand on his hear, grin on his face. "Go ahead, Kaidan."

Kaidan nodded, and the suddenly Tali could hear loud rumbling around her; the motor of the vehicle was running...Quite the soft landing... She turned at Shepard. "The landing was pretty soft. I didn't even notice that we had touched down."

Shepard frowned. "Touched down? We're still in the air."

Tali tilted her head. "So why are we..." Suddenly she realized; they weren't even going to wait for the ship to land...They were going to be dropped off...Literally. "Oh..." Her nervousness multiplied... This could easily be the last trip she saw. What if something went wrong? What if the retrorockets wouldn't function? They could be smashed to the surface of this planet...She didn't even remember it's name. Suddenly, she wasn't feeling that well.

And seemingly Shepard picked that up. "You all right? You look pale, so to speak..."

"I don't like heights..." she muttered quietly, swaying slightly.

"Well, this isn't about the heights, but about falling from them."

"Yes, I know. Thank you for reminding me..." Again the mental image of being squashed flat surfaced.

A grin spread over Shepard's face. "Sometimes we even turn off the motion dampeners, so you can feel the fall, then turn them on before we hit the ground... Wouldn't want to feel that..."

Tali's mouth opened, and horror began creeping inside her. "Y-you do? What if something goes wrong?"

"Doesn't. And is fun."

"Not really to me..." Tali muttered, almost inaudibly.


	9. The Planet

**Hello again! Sorry for the slow pace of updates, but haven't just had much inspiration... Also, lots of work. Have been trying to write every day, but mostly have just managed to write a sentence per one... Hmmh... Can maybe update more frequently when my school starts again in a month...**

**Thanks to Robert Falcon for betaing for me...**

* * *

This was not pleasant, not the least bit. No matter what Shepard had said, this was not fun. As the large vehicle kept descending, something inside Tali descended as well. She knew she was falling, and felt it. The sensation was not a pleasant one. Then, suddenly, the feeling disappeared. First she heard a loud click, like metal connecting to metal, then a low sound, like an engine of some kind. And the feeling was gone.

Then the retrorockets fired. For a split second, it felt like she was flattened against her bench, but then that feeling also vanished. Apparently the motion dampeners worked quite well... She didn't even feel the touch down, but by judging the amount the frame shook, the impact must have been quite something. Even so, she was glad it was over, for she had learned that even though she did not like heights, she liked falling from them even less. So, experiencing those feelings of terror, of fear, she was clutching the arms of her chair with white knuckles.

And, of course, Commander John Shepard found it humorous. "I don't think the chair's gonna run away if you let go..."

Tali wanted to wipe that smug grin off Shepard's face, but her fear- and shock-dulled mind could not come up with anything snide. She decided to just acknowledge his remark by releasing her grasp.

Which, of course, made Shepard's grin even wider.

"What?" she snapped at him. His grin irritated her, his belittling, his attempts at making fun of her... It was annoying, like he was trying to provoke her. Why? So he could just counter-attack? Why was he picking a fight? Or a 'fight'...since she actually didn't really mind... But it did annoy...Maybe.

"What 'what'?"

"Why are you laughing?"

The grin disappeared immediately. "I'm a happy guy."

And the grin appeared, this time on Tali's face. "Yes, I can see that."

Shepard frowned. "If you can, then why did you ask?"

"Well, it was much more confusing just a second ago," Tali responded, tilting her head, wrinkling her forehead.

His mouth began to open, as if he was about to reply, but Kaidan beat him to it. "We're there, Commander."

Shepard's eyes went from Tali to Kaidan and back. "Well, let's get going then..."

…

The team climbed out of the Mako, and split up in two groups. The one containing Garrus, Kaidan and Ashley went to study the barracks on the left, while Shepard's squad, with Tali and Wrex, started towards the barracks on the right. Shepard lead the trio, Tali and Wrex following. Now was probably as good time as any to ask Wrex of his age, since they weren't exactly required to pay attention. So, she activated her loudspeaker and asked, "Wrex, forgive the impertinence, but how old are you?"

"Old enough," the krogan growled over his speaker.

"No, really," Tali insisted.

Which made Wrex let out a quiet sigh. "Was born at the end of the War."

"The War?" Tali asked, frowning... He couldn't possibly be that old... "Do you mean the Rachni War?"

Wrex turned his head at her. "Do I look that old?"

Tali shrugged. "I don't know. You krogan look quite alike."

"So do you."

Realizing that the conversation was not going anywhere, she dropped the subject, at least for now. Not that the planet was much more interesting...

Trebin was covered with dark green sand, and almost nothing else. The planet was completely lifeless, and according to her suit computer's analysis, the atmosphere contained large amounts of nitrogen and argon. So, the lifelessness could be easily explained... The analysis also explained the weird dark green color of the planet; the surface was made of nickel, a dark green metal. Here it was simply pulverized, like it was sand... Not that this was exceptionally interesting to Tali, but it was still good to be prepared. Perhaps even trivial knowledge such as that could come in handy?

Hopefully not, but the lack of the team around their camp seemed to indicate something bad...

The trio reached the barracks, and Shepard knocked on the door. No answer. He opened his omni-tool, and after a few moments, the door swung open. Shepard took his pistol out from the leg-holster, and entered the small barracks. Wrex followed him, having not drawn any weapon. Tali, however, had drawn her pistol. She followed the two inside the building.

It was small, just a few square meters, and had only a couple of chairs, tables and beds. The tables were filled with different sorts of terminals and computers... Since the team wasn't here, those were probably the best place to start looking. Tali opened her omni-tool, turning towards Shepard. "Shepard, should we search the computers? See if there's something there?"

"Knock yourself out," Shepard muttered, having bended over by the bed, looking under it. Wrex was content with just leaning to the wall, arms crossed. He didn't seem to be particularly interested, and Tali recalled him having voiced his opinion just before the drop...

Her mind turned elsewhere though, as she concentrated on her omni-tool. The computer's various windows of programs flashed in her visor as she went through them. Then, after a minute of search, she found something interesting; a journal. A holographic one. "Shepard, take a look at this," she hollered to her superior, and he walked to her. "This is the last entry."

A few taps later, a hologram of a human woman appeared. "Excavation day 156. Hades Gamma cluster, Antaeus system, Trebin. Doctor Fraiser" the woman spoke. "The communication probes are malfunctioning again, it's like they just disappear."

Fraiser sighed. "This is getting annoying. The communication problems are getting more and more pressing, and I'm not sure if we can stay here much longer because of that..."

Another sigh. "Which, judging by the findings we've had recently, would be unacceptable."

Fraiser cleared her throat. "The excavations have uncovered three alien artifacts of unknown purpose or design. Preliminary tests indicate that the artifacts are over 10 000 years old! Maybe even more than that. That means that they could even precede the Protheans! Amazing! Surviving technology of a maybe extinct, highly advanced species!"

"I will provide detailed descriptions of the artifacts for the next journal entry, as soon as I get to see them."

The hologram vanished, and the quiet returned to the room. "And since we are still waiting for those, I dare to assume that something happened to the scientists at the excavation," Shepard stated.

"Some old junk killed them?" Wrex asked, apparently more interested in this now...Or not.

"Maybe they are just stuck?" Tali suggested, even though she knew that Wrex was right...

"Stuck for two weeks?" Wrex growled. "Means dead for humans."

He was right. However, there was a way to survive without any external food... But that thought was far too horrible to even think about.

"Get the coordinates for the excavation site, and let's go find out," Shepard chimed in, and readied his radio. "Alenko, Shepard."

"Receiving you, Commander" the radio in Tali's ear sounded, with Kaidan's voice.

"We got what we wanted, meet us at the Mako."

"Roger that, sir. We picked out something interesting as well. Will show you at the Mako."

"Can't wait..."

…

This was starting to become quite the routine; splitting up, that is. The second team had picked up an interesting trace of some transmitter. According to the signal it sent, it seemed that the transmitter was responsible for all the communication problems Doctor Fraiser spoke about. And Tali's team, or Shepard's team, were dropped off at the excavation, going in to investigate. It would probably take half an hour for the second team to arrive at the transmitter, which was too little time for the Normandy to pick them up, and too much for the whole squad to go investigate. So they had to split up.

And before them stood the large doors of the excavation, and probably the tomb of the survey team... Now they had a chance to find out why.

The doors slowly opened, and the trio stepped inside.

As they stood inside, with the doors slowly closing behind them, Tali noticed the excavation was actually one large tunnel, so they only had only one way to go. And that way was down.

They started walking along the dark tunnel, and as they walked, lights would come on, lighting their path. Except for a few equipment boxes along both sides, the tunnel was completely empty. And they yet hadn't seen any sign of the team. Not even their bodies.

The fact seemed to unnerve Shepard as well, who had his assault rifle in his hands, and was walking forward rather stiffly. Wrex, however, was seemingly not. He walked forward casually, negligently, like nothing could threaten him. And maybe he was right.

And maybe this time he would answer to her... "You're not very nervous, are you Wrex?"

"Dead can't hurt you."

"But something that made them dead can," Tali replied.

Wrex snorted. "That something killed a dozen of human scientists. I don't feel really threatened."

Tali's brow rose. "But isn't it better to be prepared?"

"I'm prepared enough."

"If you say so..." Tali muttered, and Wrex didn't respond. Tali decided to try asking him again. "You know, you never did tell me how old you are..."

Wrex growled again. "Why are you bugging me, quarian? I'm not here to tell stories."

"But you could," Tali carefully suggested. "At least your age."

Another growl came from the krogan. "Fine. Just let me ask you something first."

He wanted to ask something of her? Curious. "Sure. Go ahead."

"How does it feel to be a failure?"

She hadn't expected the question to like that... "Sorry?"

"Your people messed up with the geth. Now you're living in a dump, wearing those suits. Makes you proud, doesn't it?"

Proud... Angry. She completely stopped, Wrex halting as well. "Like your people messed up with the rest of the galaxy?" Tali snapped a question. Wrex simply tilted his armored head... "And now you live in a dump, killing each other. Makes _you_ proud, doesn't it?" Tali crossed her arms. " And to answer your question: Yes, it does. Don't talk about things you don't understand." Her short temper satisfied with the outburst, she continued walking again.

After a few steps, Wrex joined her. And, to her surprise, he began chuckling lowly. "So you do have a spine, kid." He chuckled quietly again. "Just learn how to use it, and you'll do fine...I like you, quarian."

A test? It had been a test? For what? To find out if she had a 'spine'? Why would that interest him? Tali turned her head at the krogan, still glaring at him. "The feeling could be more mutual, if you called me Tali, and wouldn't insult my people"

The lizard kept still swaying his head, and Tali could swear she knew him smiling. "Maybe I will."

…

After walking along the tunnel for a while, they came to an intersection. Three doors, all leading to places unknown. Tali was quite sure of what was to come next: Another split-up...

"Hmm..." Shepard muttered, tapping the side of his assault rifle with his trigger finger.

Since he was obviously planning the next course of action, Tali decided to give him her thoughts. "Do we split-up? Three doors, one for each."

Shepard turned at her, and for a moment, kept silently starting at her. Tali looked behind her, to see if something there peeked his interest. There wasn't, so it had to be her... "Split-up in an unknown, scary, and dark tunnel?"

Biting her lip, she mentally kicked herself. It had been a rather stupid suggestion..."So...No?"

"Yes."

Tali lowered her head, in both annoyance and embarrassment. Annoyance for someone playing with her again... "You could have just said no..."

Shepard shrugged. "I like my voice."

Some of the annoyance disappeared, replaced by amusement. Funny. Apparently he did...

After a moment, Shepard decided that they should go through the door on the right first. So they formed up around it. "Wrex goes first, then Tali and me." He turned at Tali, who stood right behind him. "We'll lock the doors behind us, so no creepy crawlies can stab us in the back."

Tali nodded to acknowledge her understanding.

The door rose up the same way the outside one had, and Wrex marched in, having now drawn his shotgun. The shotgun did only hang in his hand, the barrel almost scraping the surface, but he had drawn it.

After him, Shepard and Tali went in, weapons raised.

They were through, but, luckily, couldn't find anything. Anything that would shoot back, at least.

"All clear, Commander," Wrex's voice sounded in front of them.

Weapon now sunk lower, Tali noticed that behind the door had been another corridor, but this one quite a lot shorter. Before she could investigate more, Shepard's voice got her attention. "Tali, could you close the door?"

She turned and nodded. A tap on the button at her wrist, and the omni-tool appeared. She quickly found the door's signal, and began to hack it. The panel probably had some kind of a protection, requiring either the right fingerprint, or some passcode to open or close it. So she tried to bypass it with her omni-tool.

Shepard watched her for a few seconds, then walked to the door panel, and pressed the button to close it. And, like Tali had suspected, the door didn't budge. She couldn't help but to smile triumphantly under the mask. Shepard turned at her direction again, leaned against the wall next the panel, and crossed his arms. "It could have closed."

After a few seconds of waiting, the Shepard's head began to look at something behind Tali. Tali turned, but couldn't see anything else of note, except Wrex. "So," Shepard began. "Having troubles with Wrex?"

Her body made a snap turn towards him. "No!" As Shepard tilted his head, Tali knew that she had again let someone see through her facade easily... She really should work on lying... Her head sunk. "Did you hear?"

"No, Wrex told me."

That was rather unexpected...Oh... What did Wrex say to him? Did Shepard believe him? Maybe this was the end... Maybe he deemed her to be more trouble than worth... She had had troubles with Garrus before. Maybe this was it... She didn't want to think so, but couldn't help it... "What did he say?" she asked quietly.

"Like Wrex would tell me anything." Shepard said, causing Tali to rise her head. "Of course I heard. Are you really that gullible?"

Along with the rising, her head also tilted. "I'm gullible? Do you often get answers to your questions this way?"

"Yes."

"What 'yes'?" she asked, now frowning.

"It means positive. Correct."

Tali sighed quietly, and crossed her arms. "I'm not going to answer you."

"I wasn't asking anything."

Now she snorted. "You did ask about me and Wrex."

"I did."

Tali blinked. "Don't you want an answer?"

Shepard's head tipped. "I did also say that I heard you. I know what you said to each other."

This was getting rather annoying, and the increasing loudness of her snort reflected that. "So why did you even ask?"

Now he shrugged. "Was just making conversation."

Eyes returning back to her tool, Tali shook her head. "You're very strange."

This time, Shepard nodded. "Thank you."

Tali merely glanced at him from underneath her brow.

A moment passed, with the omni-tool quietly buzzing in the background. "So, how's it going?"

"How is what going?" Tali asked, not lifting her head from the tool.

"The...thing you are doing?"

"I'm not answering you."

Shepard sighed. "Cruel."

Before Tali could ask why Shepard on purpose wished to annoy her, the third member of the trio spoke. "Commander."

Shepard turned towards the voice, Wrex, as did Tali. Wrex had apparently wandered till the end of the corridor, and was waiting for them there. Luckily, the hacking finished at the same time, and the door closed, so Shepard and Tali could start towards Wrex.

Next to the krogan were three spikes. They were made of some metal, some dark gray metal, and when they got nearer, a quiet vibration could be heard coming from them. The voice was strange; like it burrowed deep into her head, like it wasn't just noise. It was something else...

Tali turned to Shepard to ask him about that, but as she turned, she saw his eyes locked to the spikes, like they had seen something familiar. "Do you know what those are?" Tali asked him.

"Yeah..."

…

The description was not something Tali had wanted to hear at that point. Piercing their victims, turning them into cybernetic undead monsters...And those monsters were lurking inside these dark, cramped tunnels. These things wanted to get close, to rip them to pieces... Close quarters, darkness...The element of surprise. These...husks could just jump from the shadows, and attack.

But if they were dead bodies just animated, were they even intelligent? Could they even do such a thing? Would they just wish to kill them? To charge towards them? Tali hoped so. Hoped that the minds of the team were gone, that these spikes had destroyed all humanity in them, had turned them into these abominations, husks.

Or it would be like on Feros again, people trapped inside their bodies, and her being forced to...do what's needed. Not that, not again. Not now.

"Are they intelligent?" Tali asked, voicing her suspicions.

"Doubtful," Shepard replied. "They're just bodies."

Not very conclusive, but helpful. Something was lifted from her chest, and she sighed in relief. Shepard would know.

They arrived to the intersection again. Two doors were still closed, and they walked through one.

Something flickered in the dark room, at the back wall. Something blue, electric. It started approaching, getting larger. A small display appeared in Tali's visor, and zoomed into that light. It was like a blue, metallic human skeleton. All the parts organic seemed to have vanished, replaced by these electric, synthetic ones.

First there was one, then two, three, four. Five. Five lights approaching them slowly, but surely.

Tali readied her pistol, pointing it at one of the husks. She glanced at her Commander, and saw him pointing his weapon as well. Even the krogan had his rifle ready.

The lights got nearer, and a command sounded. "Fire."

Tali obliged, opening fire at the husk. The creature staggered, but didn't stop. It kept going. She fired again, this time aiming to its head. The husk's head lurched backwards, but the creature still didn't stop.

It was now near enough for her shotgun. She holstered her pistol, drew her shotgun, and took aim. The weapon went off, and the blast hit the creature right to its torso. That stopped it. The grotesque being flew backwards, crashing to the floor. A large hole was gaping in its midsection, but it still tried to get up. It couldn't. Another shot put it down, permanently.

She took a glance at her companions, seeing them fighting, shooting at the husks. A burst hit one, and it fell. Another one was blasted by a shotgun.

Only two left.

That thought was the last she had.

Something struck her to the side of her head, something extremely hard. She lost her balance, and fell down. Dizziness in her eyes, she instinctively tried to turn towards her assailant.

A husk. Seeing one up close was even more terrifying: Eyes, gone, replaced by blue lights. Skin white, almost sterile. Large cables coming from the mouth. There was nothing human in them, they were just monsters.

And this monster was just about to destroy her.

Tali managed to turn her legs towards the creature, and kicked it. It staggered backwards, then all the sudden, crashed to the wall next to it at great velocity. Tali hadn't kicked it that hard, nor even towards that direction. What made it flew?

Pondering was not something she had time for now, for the husk didn't still stay down. Neither did Tali. Clumsily she managed to get back to her feet, still rocked by the hard shot she had taken. She drew her pistol, and began firing at the husk. Every bullet shook the creature, as it was trying to stand. She kept firing, until an alarming sound started ringing, with a small icon winking in the glass of her helmet. The pistol had overheated.

She tossed it away, and picked the shotgun up from the floor. She leveled it, and fired. The shot again ripped through the husk, sending it against the wall, falling to the floor. Now it stayed there.

She looked around to see more assailants, but saw Shepard and Wrex putting the last husk down.

Her double-vision was very apparent now, and her legs felt numb, weak. Her head hurt, like someone was squeezing it, like it was surrounded by a very tight band. Something was also trickling down her forehead, making Tali feel a compulsion to touch it, but wearing the helmet she did, it wouldn't help. Not being able to wipe it off was annoying...

She staggered, and the squeezing pain seemed to intensify, making her put her hand on her temple. She felt like sitting down, and her vision was getting blurry.

Shepard approached her, next to him Wrex. "Are you all right?" Shepard asked her, as he came to stood before her.

Tali immediately put her hand down and straightened her posture. "Yes, I'm okay."

From the narrow glass Shepard had in his helmet, Tali could barely see his eyes narrowing, like he not believing her.

Her attention was then turned elsewhere. "Nasty shot you took," Wrex grumbled. "Lucky I was here."

Tali tilted her head, and flinched, as it hurt her neck. "It was you? You threw the husk to the wall?"

Wrex simply lifted his large hand, and something blue was conjured around it, swirling, vibrating the air. He was a biotic! A krogan, a biotic! Tali hadn't even known that krogan could be biotics... It just seemed so...civilized, like it was not suitable for them. Amazing...

"You could say thank you," Wrex growled, and Tali woke from her slumber.

"Yes...I-I'm sorry," she muttered, embarrassed that she hadn't already. "Thank you..."

Then she felt a cold tingling in her forehead, right there were the trickling had came from. Her suit had probably administered medigel to that spot, trying to stop the bleeding. And after a second, the confirming report came in.

But the pain in her head didn't go away, rather changed form. The squeezing became throbbing, and again she moved her hand to her temple. She felt like falling down, or rather crashing down. Her vision became even more blurry, and she took a step back to avoid toppling over.

That didn't help, and her legs gave over. Her vision went almost black. She was falling. Then something stopped the fall, grabbing onto her arm, keeping her standing.

A blurry, dark figure held her arm. Judging by its size, it was Shepard. "Damn," she heard him hiss. "You all right?"

"I don't know..." Tali muttered weakly, everything whirling inside her head.

"Can you walk?"

It was stupid to play brave, to play tough. So she didn't. "I...I think I'd rather sit down..."

"Not enough time..." Shepard muttered. "There are still husks..." He sighed lowly, like thinking. "Goddamn..." He threw her arm over his shoulders, and put his arm around her waist. "Then I'll walk you..."

His hand stayed on her waist, and she felt her cheeks warming.

Funny.


	10. The Bay

**Another one so fast? Yeah, apparently. I just wanted to write this, just wanted to move on.**

**It's a short one, as meant to.**

* * *

First darkness, then her eyes were flooded with light. Tali was laying on something soft, a bed. The lights became less bright, and her eyes were again able to see things, to recognize shapes. She looked around, seeing she was in medbay. She did not remember being brought there. In fact, she did not remember much at all, after being struck by the husk… Understandable reason; the creature hit hard.

Tali moved her hand to her temple, right to the spot where the creature had struck. She flinched as her fingers touched it. Carefully her fingers explored the area, outlining the size of the bruise, which was quite large.

"Tali," someone, a feminine voice called to her. Tali tried to turn her head towards the voice, but found her neck stiff, and hurting. Luckily, the owner of the voice came into her view. The ship's doctor, Doctor Chakwas. "Glad to see you are well," she said with a smile.

"W-what happened?" Tali asked the Doctor, and found her voice rasp, her throat coarse.

"You were hit," the Doctor responded, slightly tilting her head, like weighing Tali's condition.

"You mean the husk?"

Chakwas nodded. "Yes... Do you remember that?"

Lowering her gaze from the Doctor, Tali's head did a small nod. "Yes...About the only thing I do."

"Hmm..." Chakwas muttered, now datapad in hand. She tapped the datapad with her fingers. "The Commander told me that you stayed conscious the entire mission. You don't remember anything else?"

Tali closed her eyes, trying to remember. She recalled something about a hand...a hand on her...Warmth on her face...Funny... She smiled sheepishly under the glass; it was funny that she only remembered that, and not the other battle... "I, um, I only remember Shepard walking me..." She wasn't exactly lying, just telling it the different way...

"It's all right. I didn't expect you to remember much else-"

The owner of the hand. Out of the blue, Tali asked, interrupting Chakwas: "Is Shepard all right?"

Chakwas lifted her gaze from the datapad, giving Tali a weird look, frowning. "He is," she answered. "Doesn't have a scratch on him."

Tali sighed in relief. "That's good to hear."

Still staring at her strangely, the Doctor replied: "Yes, it is. Actually, Shepard asked me to tell him the moment you wake up."

"Yes... He'll probably want to ask me something."

"Maybe," Doctor Chakwas replied mysteriously, still frowning slightly. She turned to leave. "I'll get him. Please don't try to get up."

Tali nodded, and Chakwas disappeared through the medbay's door.

Without even noticing, Tali began biting her lip nervously, her fingers fumbling under the sheets, her eyes wandering. She always found herself nervous when about to meet him, for she didn't want to do anything wrong, to disappoint him. Her head sunk, she hoped she hadn't. She had been careless, and because of her foolishness, was now hurt. The disapproving figure of her father entered her mind, shaking his finger at her, his voice sounding in her head, telling her how he had known, telling how foolish she was. How she should have listened to him, how he was disappointed.

Her eyes closed, and she quietly sighed. She knew her father's words.

And wished she didn't know Shepard's.

…

The large door opened, and in stepped Commander Shepard. His eyes searched the room, then found her. A smile appeared on his face, as he saw her sitting upright in her bed. "Hi."

Seeing his smile, a small one came to Tali's face as well. Her father lingered in her mind, sinking the feeling. "Hi, Shepard," she greeted him, her voice quieter than his.

"How are you doing?" Shepard asked, his hands resting on his belt.

"I'm alright," she replied, the smile now larger. She gently closed her eyes, and touched her bruised temple. "My head hurts though."

"Yeah, well..." Shepard began, a sympathetic smile still on his face. "Getting hit in the head tends to do that."

Tali's head sunk. "It seems so."

"Well, uh..." Shepard began, his gaze wandering, seemingly nervous. "I, uh...I guess I should go... You probably want your own space."

He turned to leave, Tali staring after him. She didn't want him to leave. Did he think so? She recalled one time she hadn't wished to talk with him, she had wished to be alone, to think. Perhaps he remembered that as well? Now was different, she didn't want him to go... She actually never did. But why would he care? Shouldn't he ask her about the mission, about her actions, her lack of action?

Maybe it was her? Maybe he didn't wish to talk to her, maybe he was upset, angry? She had disappointed him... Her head sunk, all remnants of the smile vanishing. "Are you angry at me?" she asked quietly.

Shepard turned around. "Well, it depends on what you've done..." he replied.

Tali quietly sighed. "I...I was careless. I got hurt. I could have gotten others hurt." She crossed her hands, staring at her six fingers, all wrapped around each other. "I'm sorry."

Arms crossed, Shepard tilted his head. "You're quite self-flagellating."

For a reason. Her head still held low, she sighed. "Someone could have gotten hurt."

"Nobody was."

"But someone could have been!" she snapped, her head rising. She was sorry immediately after, shaking her head, sinking it again. "I-I'm sorry, Shepard...But it's just.." Why wasn't he angry? Why didn't he scold her? He had every reason to; she had been careless, reckless... Someone could have been hurt. Why? "Why are you so understanding towards me?" From the corner of her eye, she saw Shepard's head lower. "You saved me from Saren, took me on this ship...Gave me access to everything..." All these events flashed before her eyes as she recalled them. "I yelled at you at Feros and you weren't angry... You came to see me after Feros... I-I don't understand... W-why?"

Silence descended into the room. He didn't answer to her. Slowly, his head came back up. "I don't know."

He turned, and left. Leaving her to her devices.

She merely stared after him, in confusion, not understanding. What did he mean? He didn't know? He did not know why he treated her so fairly? Why did he not know? How couldn't he know?

Too many questions, none she had answers for.

Why?

…


	11. The Office

Left foot moved in front of the right one, then the right one in the front of the left, then again, and again. Her first steps in two days. She had waited for this for...two days. Those two days she had spent in that boring bed had been horrible... She had almost died of inaction; there was simply nothing to do, except to lay in that bed. To her joy, on the second day Kaidan had brought her a few parts to tinker with. If he hadn't, she wasn't sure what she'd done. Sure, she could use her omni-tool to surf the Extranet, but she had never liked surfing very much... She liked to do things with her hands, something concrete. Sometimes she thought herself being born too late, in the wrong time period, and found herself longing for the past ... She would have made an excellent blacksmith...

At least now she could leave this boring room, and find out something that had bothered her... That was another reason why the two days had been so intolerable. _'I don't know.' _Those three words had haunted her from the moment he had uttered them… That was why she had wished to do something, to distract her from the words . It had worked, but poorly. Again they rang in her mind, teasing her, discomforting her.

She wasn't stupid. She knew what all those _acts_ meant... He did like her... Maybe. Probably. But what did that mean? One could like someone in different ways. In what way did he like her? As a person? As an interesting member of another species and culture? As a friend?

As a woman?

The thought lingered in her mind, but she didn't really believe in it. There was no way he'd notice her like that... Or was there? His words 'I don't know' became hers.

Why would he notice her? What had she done for him to notice? Yelled at him? Snapped at him? Second-guessed him, undermined his authority? Fainted? Fought with Garrus, with Wrex, snapped at Chief Williams? Sure, he'd notice these things, but not in way she'd like.

Which made his behavior even stranger... He never told her to do something a different way, never scolded her, never yelled back at her... She didn't understand, for she was acting stupidly. Why wasn't he annoyed? Why didn't he yell?

Why did he wish to understand her?

…

Her feet kept moving, always one ahead of the other. First she went through the door of the med bay, arriving to the mess hall. It was empty. She kept moving forward, her gaze locked to a door... One door, and behind it she would find something... She didn't know if she'd like that something.

And now she stood behind that door. And hesitated. Was she just being stupid, hanging onto his words like that? What did she even expect? Why was she even there ? Her head sunk, as she thought the questions. They all made sense... She should concentrate on Saren, on the mission.

But she still rang his doorbell.

And nothing.

Then more nothing. Maybe he wasn't there?

Still nothing... Tali sighed in disappointment, and turned away from the door. He was probably at the CIC then...

Then the door slid open, causing Tali to turn back. She saw Shepard inside the room, sitting at his table. His head was hung slightly, making him look contemplative, thoughtful.

Tali took a single step towards the doorway. "Can I come in?"

"The door's open," Shepard responded, not lifting his gaze from the table.

Tali bit her lip hesitantly, and slowly stepped through the doorway, which slid shut behind her.

She stood in the middle of the dimly-lit small room, and began feeling nervous. Her fingers fidgeted against each other, reflecting her mood. Her head lowered slightly, her eyes locked to her fingers. Chewing on her lip again, she found herself mute. "Um..." Was the only voice that came from her.

Which was more than what came from Shepard. His silence made her even more nervous, being the center of attention, being forced to carry the conversation... She didn't like either of those things... But she'd try her best. "You're not busy, are you?" Maybe he was, making him reluctant to talk?

"No."

She stared at her fiddling fingers. Now that she was actually standing in front of him, her willingness to get an answer seemed to fade, to mellow. Somehow she found it difficult to speak...

So she just blurted it out. "You don't know..."

Shepard frowned at her. "Know what?"

"I don't know..."

Shepard stared at her for a while, the silence again having filled the room.

To her delight, it was he who spoke, his gaze now fallen back to the table, frown disappeared. "You deserve to be treated well." He shrugged. "I don't know." He turned back to stare at her, brow raised. "You want me to be mean?"

A blink, as she tried to catch up to his trail of thought. How did he know she meant that? Did he remember? Still, after the moment of confusion, a quiet laugh escaped from her. "No..." Then her head sunk back down, her hands again in front of her. "Well I guess...I...My people do deserve to be treated better, but I don't want you to feel sorry for me Shepard."

Shepard quietly snorted, his head as well hanging. "Yeah."

The silence fell to the room again.

And, following the pattern before, Shepard again spoke. "It's weird."

Tali's head rose back up, tilting to the side. "What is?"

"You."

She blinked. "What do you mean?"

"You always go on about your people," he said, giving her a glance. His gaze wandered back to the table. "I don't understand why you care."

Frown rose to her face. "You don't care about your people?"

He lifted his gaze again, his eyes staring at her from under his brow, shimmering slightly in the dark office. "About humans? Not really."

"Why not?"

"Why should I?"

Her frown deepened. "Humans are your people, who do you have if you don't have your family?"

"Maybe I don't need them."

_Need_ them? That was a very selfish way of thinking... _Need _them? Like tools, which could be cast aside when they are not _needed_. "It's not just about you," she said, perhaps more strictly than she had wanted

Shepard's brow seemed to rise a little, but otherwise her small outburst had no effect. "Why not?"

Why not? It was like talking to a child, who simply wished to question everything. The conversation was getting tedious; Tali tried to explain, and all Shepard would do is throw back more questions... Her mind started to tire. Actually, she didn't even know why she continued this argument, but she did. "Don't you think that that is a very selfish way of thinking?"

"No," Shepard replied, still staring at her from under his brow, but his mouth seemed to have curled slightly from the corners. "I know it's a very selfish way of thinking. Why should I care?"

Question after question, and no answers. "Why should you...?" She stopped mid-sentence to sigh loudly. "Is there actually some purpose for this conversation?"

Shepard stared straight at her. "It's a conversation. Do you often seek hidden meanings?"

"I..." her mind was blank. "What?"

"I said: do you often-"

"I _did_ hear what you said," Tali snapped, her temper seemingly beginning to fail. Her arms folded over her chest. "You're very funny."

Shepard nodded slightly, the corners of his mouth curling, like he was holding back a grin. "Thank you. I like you too."

Although she didn't wish to show it, the words struck her hard. She had thought about it, she had known... But hearing him say it was something different, greater, better. "Well... That's good, right?"

The grin now clearly more visible on his face, Shepard replied. "Probably."

Probably yes.

Was that the answer she had wanted? She wasn't sure. Maybe she didn't even know what she wanted?

Yet he seemed to notice her... But in what way?


	12. The Opposing Side

"We assume you are taking the necessary precautions?" asked the asshole turian councilor. He was starting to become Shepard's favorite person to hate. Whiny, cowardly bureaucrat. Funny. These were the people who were responsible for the entire galaxy? Humans had sometimes thought the aliens somehow superior, more advanced. It turned out they shared a lot in common, though, including the faults; the occasional bout of stupidity among them.

A quote 'People get the leaders they deserve' came to him, and although he couldn't remember the source, it felt very suitable.

Because… Who'd vote for this guy? Actually, were the council even voted on? Shepard felt his mind wandering, and he gave the Council a tired look, an annoyed look. "Yeah."

The Council seemed to be taken aback slightly by his exhaustive reply, since they glanced at each other. Spineless wimps, they should just tell him how much he sucked, not sniff their noses at him as if the room was full of crap. Maybe it was? He was there... The lovely turian Councilor straightened himself, hands behind his back, and began his retort. "We really do wish that you take this seriously. She's a security risk."

"Her mother tried to kill her," Shepard replied, giving the Council another tired look. "I doubt she's feeling particularly loyal."

The mandibles on the turian's face flicked largely. He probably wasn't used to someone talking back to him... Shepard could easily imagine all these three stooges surrounding themselves with yes-men, feeding their egos, having them bow before them.

Bah. Good thing that Shepard was perfect, so he could easily pass judgment on others... Probably someone was out there doing the same to him... Again, his mind began wandering.

Which was stopped by the turian speaking. Again. Unfortunately. "Due to the..._varying _quality of your recent missions, we feel that you needed to be reminded of such." Hmmh. Trying to escape the debate he already lost... The turian couldn't even admit that he may have been mistaken about Liara. Probably. Hopefully. Shepard couldn't actually know for sure... but her being on their side sure felt more probable than her turning on them... If Shepard's mother would try to kill him, he wouldn't be really happy. Of course, this was applicable to everyone else... And of course, the attack couldn't have been staged…Not.

Even so, Shepard still found himself disagreeing with the Council, if only to spite them. It was maybe childish, but let it.

And telling Shepard how much he sucked wasn't a good way to be his friend anyway. "Okay."

The members of the Council glanced at each other once again, and, apparently deciding that they had had enough, disconnected, their holograms disappearing from Shepard's view.

…

Varying quality? Shepard didn't want to admit it, but it did haunt him, even after the holograms had vanished. Varying... Didn't it practically mean that he was doing a horrible job? Did he? Was the turian just being an asshole? Maybe. Maybe he could do things better? Could he? Shepard knew that he had done what he could and that the results were...satisfactory, to say the least. Even Feros. What the hell was he supposed to do? He wasn't Superman.

But still the comment haunted him.

Sometimes Shepard wished that he'd have more of a temper. He'd wish that he wasn't so stable, so calm, so reserved. Sometimes he just wished to explode. Maybe then he'd get respect... He sure had done a lot of things worthy of respect. But even that was a double-edged sword, for Shepard hated when someone would try to kiss his ass, to flatter him. It felt always so pretentious, like the flatterer had some ulterior motive. Perhaps they did, or perhaps nothing was good enough for him?

He wasn't a perfectionist per say, or at least he wasn't obsessive-compulsive. He didn't have any 'right' ways of doing different things, he didn't have routines. He was actually very impulsive, doing things on a whim, depending on his mood. And his emotive interior was conflicted by his relaxed and calm exterior.

Some even called him cold. Shepard felt flattered, and not in the bad way he hated. He liked to be in control, which again, was conflicted by his impulsive and improvising nature. Improvising... It was a good word to describe him. Plans... Bah. He was too lazy for those.

Maybe it could explain the 'varying' quality of his missions?

…

Being a captain was...tedious, to say the least. Shepard was basically in charge of the all aspects of the ship's operation... Reports to the Council, to the Alliance, docking arrangements, personnel management, the vessel's security, being an example... These were just a few of his duties, performed almost daily... If he was lucky, he'd be able to get eight hours of sleep... Most of the time it was four.

And even though Shepard didn't particularly enjoy ordering people around, the job was okay. He had his own ship... He was responsible for it all. It felt kind of nice, to be actually in charge... Sure, he'd take orders (or were they requests now?) from both the Council and the Alliance, it was up to him how to reach those goals... He thought he was doing okay… The Council seemed to be the only one who didn't.

Maybe it was because he was human? First Spectre of his species, maybe the Council tried to keep him in a leash? Ridiculous, if it was so. Shepard didn't have any problems with authorities, unless they were dumb. Or ill-educated, or just assholes. He was certain the Council was one of those, but which one, he wasn't sure. But he'd do what they'd say anyway, since that was his job... Shepard had accepted the gig, and always tried to keep his word. And they did pay him…

He had already done the most of his daily rounds, which mostly consisted of solving the various problems the officer in charge of the certain area had. Mostly it was easy, routine things, like personnel management, resource allocation, paperwork, and so forth. There was just so much to do... And only 24 hours in a day to do it.

The last place he still needed to visit was the Drive Core room. Another nice talk with Adams waiting ahead... Yay.

The door to Core room opened. Shepard took a deep breath, closing his eyes, and stepped in. He walked forward, his eyes now opening. He looked around the room, yet saw no Adams. He didn't actually see anyone.

Except one.

She slowly turned towards him, Shepard finding himself admiring the gracefulness, the smoothness of her figure, of her movement. The way she carried herself was...charming, enchanting. He found his eyes not willing to move.

She was now completely turned to him, two bright, sparkling points behind the veil of glass shining, then narrowing. Her head began leaning to the left, slowly, smoothly. The light was reflected from the glass obstructing her face, like the helmet was filled with gold. Somehow, Shepard could swear she was smiling.

"Hi, Shepard," the quarian engineer, Tali, greeted him cheerfully. Shepard couldn't help but smile back. It was refreshing to see her in a good mood, since lately she had had quite the blues... And not without reason. The events on Feros, all the injuries she had already sustained, the stress about countless things... It was unfair for such a nice girl to have so many hardships. For she was, exceptionally so. Even though he wasn't particularly emphatic person himself, he could value that in others. IF it was honest, stemming from the desire to do good, not just to make one's self feel better... Shepard just couldn't understand how someone could just wish to do good, with no ulterior motives... Perhaps it was because he couldn't do it himself?

But she could... She wanted to pay everything back she had been given, to help, to aid... She was here now, protecting her people, protecting all people... She had just jumped on-board without thinking. Shepard couldn't say that he'd done the same. "Hello."

"Are you looking for the Chief Engineer Adams?" she asked, her tone still light, still cheerful, her posture straight, full of vigor. She seemed to be genuinely happy… Shepard found himself happy.

"Yeah," Shepard replied, his eyes giving the room another quick glance. "Know where he's at?"

"He's sleeping," Tali replied, her head slightly tilting further to the side. "It's not even his shift."

Shepard blinked, once, twice. "What time is it?"

"About 18.00."

"Earth time?"

Tali stared at him for a second. "Galactic, of course."

Shepard sighed; it sure was hard to even get to know the clock... "What's that in earth time?"

The bright dots behind the visor began to narrow, as her head still kept tilting to the left. "Don't you have a clock?"

"A watch? No," Shepard replied, the lack of sleep perhaps beginning to shorten his temper, since he was actually feeling annoyed. "I wouldn't ask if I did."

Tali shook her head slightly, and after a second, answered: "It's twenty-one point six... Or however you say your time..."

"Half past ten?" Shepard asked, and Tali shrugged back. Slowly backpedaling towards the wall, he leaned against it, and then began falling towards the floor. He remained on the floor, his head hanging. A sigh. Adams' next shift would start in eight hours...

"You just missed him actually," Tali started, as if trying to comfort him. "He left ab—"

But Shepard was annoyed. "I know!" he snapped, his eyes moving from the ground to her. The two dots behind the visor widened slightly, then blinked rapidly after. This really wasn't his day. The anger he felt began fading away, turning sour, turning him sour. Everything just bugged him, annoyed him.

"Well, I, uh…" Tali began, the dots moving around, blinking rapidly. "I should, um…get back to work." She turned back towards the console, leaving him sitting on the floor.

And this was what happened… He started to make stupid mistakes, couldn't keep his stupidity in check. Shepard hated apologizing for things; he preferred to avoid such things completely. He didn't like doing mistakes… But… "Sorry for snapping," Shepard half-muttered, half-spoke.

It was still loud enough for Tali to hear, who turned her head back to him. "You're the Captain, you have a lot to do." Her head turned back to the console. "I think it's quite strange that you're often so calm. I think I'd lose my temper more often…"

Shepard chuckled quietly… Didn't he know that… There had been a few situations where she'd yelled at him. He didn't mind, for she always had some pretty good reason for being upset. "I don't have a temper," Shepard responded truthfully.

The effect was her turning back at him, her head now slightly tilted. "So you think I have a temper?"

These were the situations he hated that visor covering her face; he couldn't see if she was grinning, or smiling, or frowning. Only things that he could see were those two bright dots of her eyes, and the tip of her nose. Mostly though the visor didn't bother him, it actually made her mysterious, unknown… Shepard had some idea of what the quarians looked like; the Extranet was full of pictures of them. Of her face though, he had no idea… But he couldn't picture her being unattractive… A slight grin rose to his face. "You are a bit scary at times…"

That'd work. Probably…

She chuckled softly. "Maybe." The chuckle ended abruptly though, and the following surprised Shepard. "By the way, have you talked to Liara yet?"

Shepard blinked. Why would that interest her? "Why do you ask?"

As he glanced lower, at her hands, he saw that her fingers were fiddling against each other. Quarians were supposed to be hard to read, but Tali's body language at least wasn't..: He wasn't sure if other quarians were as see-through… Her head began to lower, another sign that the subject brought her discomfort, since she couldn't keep eye-contact. "Well… She seemed to be interested in you…"

Did she mean the joining of minds –thing? Or the remarkably strong willed –thing? Both of those had been pretty awkward for him, for Shepard didn't like receiving compliments… Well, he kinda preferred them to critique, but felt slightly awkward… He didn't like being put to a pedestal. "I haven't seen her yet."

"Oh…" Tali replied, and for a second, Shepard could see her eyes widening, like surprised. Why would she be surprised about that? Like she didn't wish for him to see Liara…It was like she was… jealous…Why the hell would she be jealous of him?

After that, everything faded to silence. In the midst of it, a question surfaced, suppressing his earlier thoughts. At least he hoped so. "Have you already told your father about the mission?" It also worked to change the topic…

Tali let out a tired chuckle. Shepard knew she wasn't close with her father, but he'd imagine her at least telling him… She seemed to be a devoted person… "No. I've told you what he'd say… I'll tell him when I…" a short pause, she seemed to tense up, like she didn't wish to continue. "…get back."

Get back… Shepard felt like he was sinking… Tali was a nice person, most certainly the nicest he'd ever known… And she was easy on the eyes… And he really didn't want to see her leave. But he still was surprised; the feeling of sinking was so powerful, so strong. He felt depressed. "Right. Leave."

It almost felt like she knew what he felt, since she tilted her head and asked: "You think I shouldn't go?"

His mind was blank. What was he supposed to say? It'd seem strange to tell how he actually felt, for they hadn't known each other for very long… They were friends though; at least he'd like to think so… Maybe he should be one, help her. "I think you should do what you want, and not care about what others think."

The bright dots slightly narrowed, and Shepard could almost feel her resonating smile underneath, even though he didn't see it. "It doesn't work that way, Shepard," she let out a quiet chuckle. "But thanks... For trying to help."

"Yeah," Shepard replied quietly. "It doesn't with you."


	13. The Cold and the Warmth

Immediately after the airlock opened, a shiver went through Tali. Noveria was very, very cold, and that coldness began to spread even inside the Normandy. The team, now counting seven members, stepped out of the lock and into the freezing breeze. Even through the envirosuit, she felt the cold.

But another feeling was occupying her mind right now; the feeling of wonder. It made the cold move aside, to the background, and she barely noticed it. She was completely focused on the white powder on the ground, all around her. She had never seen snow before. And she simply had to touch the cold powder. Like her ankles, her hand sunk into the bank. A cold sensation went through her whole arm, as she took a fistful of that wondrous dust. She pulled her hand back from the bank, and released her grasp. A small pile of snow rested on her palm, some of it flying away as the wind flowed. She began feeling moisture in her palm, for the snow was melting, turning back into water from the warmth of her body. She watched as the pile vanished, liquidized, then trickled down her hand, and back to the bank. She had never seen anything like that before... The snow was water, yet it wasn't...

Tali rose back to her feet, and now the cold struck her... Kneeling down into that bank had not been very smart; now her wet knee and palm really felt freezing. Tali glanced around, and saw the rest of the team marching towards a few lights near them, behind the blizzard. Tali did so as well, but with running steps.

She caught up to the team, falling into the midst of them. She still turned her head around in amazement, chuckling quietly as she did. So much snow...

Her companions didn't share her feelings though... "I hate the cold..." a low, growling noise from her left sounded. Tali turned towards it, and because of the blizzard, could only see a large, dark figure. But she knew it was Wrex. "I want to kill something." Especially after that...

"Don't you always?" another voice sounded, this one echoing, like two voices spoke at once... It came from her right, from a blue, tall figure. Garrus.

Suddenly, Tali felt like she was in a very hostile place... And the feeling was probably accurate, since she was standing between Garrus and Wrex…

"Only when talking to you, Vakarian," Wrex growled his retort, now walking forward faster, leaving both Tali and Garrus behind.

How long had they already been on this mission? Months maybe? Tali had stopped counting days at some point, so she wasn't quite sure... And Wrex and Garrus had been fighting each other ever since the very first day... It must've taken quite the effort to stay hostile that long; Tali knew she couldn't manage it... Even the cause for their 'disagreement' was quite petty; just a few stupid words from Garrus about the Genophage... Why would anyone even bother to fight someone for a reason that small? Couldn't he just say he was sorry for what he said to Wrex?

"You sure know how to make friends, Garrus," Tali said with a slight upbraiding tone, revealing her thoughts.

"I do okay," Garrus replied, not turning his head towards her.

"Really?" Tali asked, raising an eyebrow.

After a snort, Garrus retorted: "How many friends have you made? Bet I have made more..."

"Well..." Tali began, recalling the relationships she had with her companions. "Kaidan's friendly, Shepard's..." she paused for a split second. "...friendly." Definitely. "Wrex is Wrex..." Tali wasn't sure if Wrex was even capable of being friendly... "Chief Williams I have not spoken with...And you I tolerate." She raised an eyebrow at him again, and grinned. "Barely."

"And Liara?" Garrus asked, finally turning to look at Tali.

The question felt like it had some malicious motive behind it, something Tali picked up in Garrus' tone of voice... There was something there... And there was something about Liara as well; Tali disliked her, very deeply. Every time she smiled at Shepard, approached him, talked to him... Tali felt a surge of anger building up inside her. She wanted to yell at Liara to leave Shepard alone... And for that, she felt disgust for herself... She knew that Liara had an infatuation on Shepard, and Tali couldn't blame her. She did too... but she didn't have anything Liara had; physical contact was impossible for her, Tali wasn't as beautiful as her, probably not as smart...

And then, another thought came to her, that one even more depressing; Tali thought that it was a contest, the winner getting Shepard... Problem was, she wasn't even participating... She just yelled at Shepard, brought him difficulties, did nothing good to him... Would she ever? What did she even have to offer? Compared to others, nothing.

A quiet sigh escaped from her barely closed mouth; she felt tired. "She's okay."

Strangely, Garrus didn't follow up with other questions.

…

Noveria was a bureaucratic nightmare, but for a Spectre, things were a bit easier... It was amazing what a gun barrel pointed to a guard's head could accomplish... The team marched through a large garage, with Shepard ordering Joker to drop the Mako in front of the exit. He obliged, and as the door leading to the outside opened, Tali could see the Mako. And she sighed. Mako was extremely cramped from inside, even for a small thing like her, and it was always a struggle to get to one's seat...

So she struggled, and got to her seat. Barely.

But since the crew had had a new member in Liara, and the Mako had only six seats, one of the crew had to sit on the roof... Wrex was more than happy to do so, since being inside was extremely uncomfortable for him.

The suspension of the vehicle squealed as the team's human members steered the vehicle forward. At times, the main cannon of the Mako would go off, signaling that they met some resistance. The radio traffic between the members of the human trio also helped her to come to that conclusion...

It was boring, since there was nothing she could do... But at least they weren't falling... For now.

Something broke her boredom though; a message.

_'User Garrus Vakarian wishes to open a private chat.'_

Weird... What could he want to say in private?

Tali muttered the word 'approve', and almost immediately, Garrus' voice sounded inside her helmet. "Shepard's...friendly."

The words sounded familiar, like she'd heard them before... "What?"

"You said that. Noticed the pause."

The pause... Now she remembered... Was he that perceptive? How... What... She didn't know what to say. Her brain did though: Deny. "W-what 's so weird about the pause?"

"You've said other things too," Garrus remarked, remaining still in his seat opposite to her. "Other things have happened. I think 'friendly' is an understatement."

He did know about her silly infatuation... Her stupid facade was falling... If she even had one... She maybe still could have held it up, but her brain just wouldn't work. "I... I don't know what you are talking about." Neither did her body; her fingers began their characteristic fiddling, and her head lowered. Oh Keelah...

"I'm not that stupid Tali."

Apparently not. There was no use lying to him, no point. He could see through her easily... Some part of her didn't even want to lie... In truth, she wanted to tell someone, to tell how she felt... About him, about in general... The other was good, the other was not. She was not happy. Her head sunk. All this weighed her down, consumed her. She never got peace. There was always something eating her up from inside, swirling inside her. Always something, never the end. She sighed. "It's hopeless, Garrus."

Now his masked head tilted to the side slightly, as if puzzled. "What do you mean?"

To tell, or not to tell? She hadn't told anybody, she hadn't dared to... It felt too private of a thing to do... But now she found herself wanting to. And to Garrus, of all people… "There's nothing I can give him... I'm inside this suit... T-there's nothing..." She felt the corners of her eyes moistening, a single tear forming. It fell down on her cheek. "It hurts," she whispered, her voice pained, suppressed.

His head lowered slightly as well, as if in a gesture of sympathy, of empathy.

A moment of silence passed. It didn't hurt any more; she actually felt good, light. Like a weight was lifted... She could share the burden of those feelings with someone... But hadn't imagined it being Garrus... And yet she could. And now she had.

Then he spoke. "It's not hopeless."

Not hopeless? "W-what?"

Two words ended the conversation. "Ask him."

And she didn't understand anything.

…

They dismounted, having arrived to the research facility. Matriarch Benezia was inside, but that was not what occupied Tali's thoughts; Garrus' words did. 'Ask him?' Had Shepard said something? About her...? Did… he share her feelings? No... it was not possible... She would've noticed, she'd know... Wouldn't she? Why... Why would he feel anything towards her? It was not like she'd done something good to him, unlike him to her... Why would Garrus say such a thing? Why couldn't he be clear?

Again, Tali tried to open up a chat with him, and again, Garrus would decline... Why wouldn't he tell her? Stupid bosh'tet... Bastard.

Something inside her began boiling, and she barely managed to keep that feeling from boiling over. This was a good mood to go kill some geth... She'd destroy them.

…

Various types of geth and krogan tried to stand in their way, but they had no chance. Tali had really cranked up the power of her omni-tool, and could disable almost any synthetic with a push of a button.

Tali jumped out from behind a cover, immediately firing a slug towards the nearest geth. The blast from her shotgun tore a huge hole in its torso, disabling it. Then she quickly tapped her omni-tool, and another geth exploded loudly.

Her shields rang, and she saw one geth behind her from the radar in her visor. She leaped behind the nearest cover, rolled back to her feet, and fired at the assailant from the other side of that cover. It caught the geth off-guard, and it was quickly destroyed.

Then movement in the corner of her eye. Another geth, one of the larger models, was charging towards her very quickly. She quickly assessed the distance being too far for a shotgun, so she dropped the shotgun to the ground and draw her pistol, simultaneously tapping her omni-tool again. A small explosion came from the charging geth as its shields died. Tali leveled her pistol, pointing it at the knee joint of the synthetic. She quickly fired four shots, two to both knees, making the geth crash to the ground.

Tali picked up her shotgun, and with one hand, pointed it at the geth's head. A pull of the trigger, and another geth was disabled.

The battle was good; it would take her mind off various things... Most concerning her Commander... Hmhm... 'Her Commander'. If it were so...

But like all things, the battle came to a conclusion, with her side again victorious. Tali didn't wish for the battle to end, she wanted to fight, to drown all this that swirled in her mind... Hurt her. What the hell did he mean? 'Ask him?' Ask him what? How would one even ask another that? Should she just ask?

But she was scared... Scared of the answer... Maybe it was no? What if that was what Garrus meant? That he would say no, that it would give her closure... Would it? She didn't know, for her mind didn't even want to linger in such thoughts at all... They hurt so much. Why was everything so painful?

…

The team now stood in a large room, and strangely, it was filled with snow. Among the banks of it, various tables lay toppled over, like the blizzard had punched itself through the wall, having laid waste to everything. She glanced out from the large window in the room, but saw only the storm, as if the world was covered in it. Covered in ice, in snow.

It was a feeling she shared. She felt cold inside. It stung.

The snow gritted under her boots as she walked, as the team walked. And then, Tali heard a clink. It was very quiet, and she wasn't sure if she had even heard it. But she heard it again. Now she knew she had heard something, but before she could open her mouth to speak, Garrus did. "Everyone stop," he ordered, and the team obliged.

Now there was a complete silence, and again, Tali heard the clink. Maybe it was the wind?

But another noise broke her contemplation; a screech. That was not the wind... There was something in there... The noise invoked reactions among the rest of the crew too.

"What was that?" the asari archaeologist asked quietly. Her voice trembled.

"Animal?" Chief Williams suggested, glancing around, trying to find the source of the noise.

"And probably pretty angry..." Kaidan concluded, his masked head turning around as well.

Wrex let out a low growl. "Don't wet yourselves, I'll protect you."

And somehow, Tali could feel the slight fear vanishing... Could there even be anything scarier than Wrex?

The team exited the room, entering a small corridor. It had three doors, two at the side, and one at the end. They checked the first door, which lead to a room. It was empty.

Then was the second room. Empty again. Where did the noises come from? Were they just the wind?

And then, her questions were answered.

A grid functioning as a lid for the drain suddenly flew away from its place, and Tali saw something crawling out from the drain. The creature let out a loud screech, then charged towards the team. Before any of them could even lift their weapons, it was already all over them. One of its legs kicked Liara, toppling her over. It tackled Garrus to the side, spit something at the humans, and finally, sunk its claws into Wrex's shoulders. The krogan roared in pain, then a quick flicker of blue light, and the creature flew backwards. It stayed on its feet, but Wrex's biotics gave Tali enough time to recover from the shock, and fire her shotgun. The blast hit the creature directly at its chest, and green blood splashed from the wound. Tali fired again, and more blood flew around. The creature sunk to the ground, and remained still.

Tali muttered a series of barely audible curses under her breath, some more audible than others. What was the creature? "Keelah!" now she wasn't muttering, she almost yelled. "What the hell was that?"

"Apparently something that doesn't like us," Garrus grunted, getting back to his feet.

"I have never seen a creature like this before," Liara stated, having taken one hesitant step towards it, like wanting to study it, but being afraid to.

A low growl interrupted their wondering. It was Wrex. "It's a rachni," he growled, lying against a wall, bleeding profusely from the shoulders. The creature, rachni, had struck deep.

"A rachni?" Chief Williams asked. "Like from the Rachni Wars?"

Wrex merely stared at Williams strictly, and growled quietly. He was really hurt...

Someone else noticed his wounds now as well, because Kaidan knelt down next to him. Kaidan took two patches of medigel from his thigh pockets, and began administering them. "You're bleeding pretty bad," he said, echoing Tali's thoughts.

"It'll pass," Wrex growled his retort.

Tali, along with Dr. T'Soni and Garrus, began approaching the rachni carcass slowly and carefully... It might be still alive. With all three surrounding it, weapons drawn, Garrus kicked the creature, toppling it over. "It's dead," he said, holstering his pistol at his side.

Liara knelt down next to it, and began examining it. Green blood and slime were all over the dead insect, so Tali was more than happy to stay where she was. The rachni had eight limbs in total; four legs, two hands with three digits each, and two claws... The claws were covered in orange blood, since those were the ones it had sunk into Wrex. The creature was, to put simply, an insect... As the rachi were supposed to be... Or are...

Weren't the rachni extinct? What was going on here?

…

The whole Peak 15 was a mess; the VI was turned off, the communication lines were cut off, and the power was off... And they were out of time; they had to keep moving forward. So Shepard, with some grimace, had decided to split the team in three... One was to go and fix the lines, one was to fix the power, and one to turn the VI back on. It surely was risky, but Tali wasn't complaining... Especially after she heard who she was about to team up with... Shepard.

Like other teams, they were to finish their mission as fast as possible, and then help the others. It was Tali's and Shepard's job to turn the VI back on, which required the tech expert of the team, her, but Shepard's being there she didn't understand... She could manage it on her own... But she wasn't complaining, for now she could-

Could ask... Would she? Did she want to? She did. Yet didn't. Why was she so afraid? After asking, she'd know. Still, the prospect of knowing something she didn't want to know flowed in her mind, constantly harassing her… She didn't want to get hurt… But… The crave for the other answer, for the one she'd dreamed of hearing, was so driving, so undying, that she simply couldn't stop herself. She had to know.

They walked along the corridor, at the end being the mainframe of the station's VI. Tali chewed on her upper lip nervously; she had to know. "Shepard," she called to the man walking next to her, turning her head.

"Tali'Zorah," Shepard responded, his eyes glancing around the corridor as they moved forward, not focusing on her.

"How are you?" she asked him, mentally kicking herself. What a way to begin a conversation... She felt her face warming up, and fought to keep her head high. The chewing intensified, and she began to taste blood.

"Splendid," Shepard replied, now looking at her from the corners of his eyes. "How about you?"

Horribly nervous. "I'm great!" Tali responded, the nervousness clearly shining through... There was no way he couldn't pick that up…

Shepard's head did a small nod. "That's great to hear," he said, his head now having turned at her, wearing a frown.

"Right..." she muttered, realizing that the conversation was already dying... She quietly sighed. That had been pointless, had led to nowhere. Back to where she started...

Sort of.

They reached the mainframe, both of them stepping to a pedestal that began its slow descent. Then Shepard broke the awkward silence. "What did you want to say?"

Tali blinked. "W-what makes you think I have something to say?" Was she that easy to see through?

"Because...you do."

Apparently she was…Wonder how easy she would be to read without the mask and the suit…That thought vanished, and was replaced by a order clinking inside her head; ask, ask, ask Now she wanted to, but her mouth refused to do what she wanted... She found herself mute.

And it seemed that Shepard noticed. "Ask. I won't bite. Hard."

A quiet chuckle escaped from her, and she felt somewhat relaxed... Maybe. But as soon as she began to think about her question, the nervousness returned. She should just say it out loud, or something that could lead up to that… "Have you spoken to Garrus lately?"

A frown appeared on Shepard's face. "Are you two fighting again?"

Tali's eyes widened. "No!" she gasped. She definitely didn't want to make Shepard's job any harder than it already was… Yet… She didn't get along very well with her companions, having already argued with Wrex and Garrus, and having snapped at Williams… Her head sunk. Why was it so hard for to get along? Why everyone wanted to pick a fight with her? And again… She was blaming others… When she wasn't blameless herself. "I... I'm sorry. I'm probably a horrible team member."

Shepard snorted. "You're the nicest person I've ever met. So, no."

"I..." Tali muttered, feeling her face reddening. She had expected indifference from him, or for him to tell how she shouldn't worry… Or something…. That was the nicest compliment she had ever received. And from Shepard, it was always double the worth. She felt undeserving of it. "T-thank you… I… nobody's ever said anything so nice to me…" her head visited up high, but quickly went back down.

Another snort. "Right. Well, quarians must be pretty stupid then."

A smile climbed to her face, followed by a quiet chuckle. Now her face really burned, and again the feeling of worthlessness surfaced… But it did feel good. It just wasn't the truth. "You're wrong," she quietly replied, a small smile visiting her face as her head went back up. "On both counts...Unless you've only met unpleasant people?" she asked, grinning at her own sarcasm.

Now Shepard chuckled. "I've met various sorts of people," he answered, with a small smile.

Then the pedestal arrived.

A small console appeared, and Tali began working at it, Shepard at times helping her. Maybe it was easier this way, but it wasn't necessary… Shepard could be doing something else, helping others… It wasn't like him to do something ineffective… Tali didn't always approve of his methods, but she could understand them. He was a high-ranked officer for a reason… Which is why the current situation made her wonder. "Why are you here?" she blurted out, immediately kicking herself again… Was there a blunter way to ask?

"Hm?"

Tali hoped that she wouldn't blurt something stupid out this second time… "I-I mean… I, uh, I could handle this on my own."

"Better safe than sorry," Shepard replied, then suddenly began frowning. "I'm not getting in the way, am I?"

"No!" Tali gasped, lifting her head at him, AGAIN kicking herself. Why couldn't she say anything that she wanted today? "That's not what I…!" she began, her voice still quite loud. Tali closed her eyes, turned her head back to the console, and bit her lip again. "That's not what I meant," she muttered, feeling her face burning again. Why was everything so hard today? She took a long breath, before continuing. "I meant that you could be in the other teams…"

"Well, I kinda like your company…" Shepard replied

Tali felt a surge of warmth coursing through her, causing her to smile, to chuckle. "The nicest person?"

A quiet laugh from Shepard followed. "I did say that," he said, a smile on his face again. "Not taking it back so soon."

In nervous hesitation, Tali bit her lip again. This was it… "I'm not just a person…" she said quietly, turning her head away from the console, into the ground.

"Oh?" Shepard asked, his brow slightly raised.

Tali closed her eyes for a second… Oh, Keelah… She raised her head, her eyes meeting up with his. "Also a woman…" she said quietly, staring into those light blue, piercing eyes.

Her heart skipped a beat, as a grin appeared on Shepard's face. "Are you suggesting something?" his voice was soft, his eyes kept staring into hers. Tali blinked, and with the second glance, she could see two red dots on his cheeks.

His tone of voice, his grin, his demeanor… It didn't seem that he was opposed to what she tried to suggest… So, she would suggest it. She completely turned at him, crossed her arms and tilted her head slightly. "What could I possibly be suggesting?" she asked him softly, the grin on her face clearly shining into her voice. "A fascinating, charming soldier saves a girl from danger many times, takes her to his ship, treats her incredibly fairly…" Her head sunk back down, and her hands fell back to her sides. "Even though she treats him badly…"

Her head still low, she chuckled quietly. "How could she possibly be interested in him?"

Her eyes went shut. It was done now. Soon she would know, one way or another… But somehow, she already knew his answer… Putting all the pieces together, it was obvious; the way he had treated her, the way he was now, the way she had treated him… He wanted to please her… It was obvious, how she couldn't have seen it?

And, all the sudden, Shepard's hands reached out, took hers in. She squeezed his fingers, could feel their warmth. "That was the reason the soldier did all those things too…" he whispered.

Their eyes met again, both of them smiling. Then slowly, the foreheads of their helmets connected.


	14. Doubts

The Matriarch was dead, and the fate of the rachni race rested on the shoulders of the Council. The mission on Noveria had been a huge success. More for some, less for others. For once, Tali found herself among the fortunate ones. She wasn't used to it, and it felt wrong; she felt good, others didn't. Like Liara. She couldn't imagine what it was like to kill your own mother, to see your mother twisted into something horrible, seeing her hurt others. And being forced to stop it, wanting to stop it, to choose between your mother and the rest of the galaxy… How could someone be forced to do such a thing?

Tali knew what it was like to lose someone. She'd lost her mother five years ago to a disease. And it had hurt. But her mother hadn't been trying to hurt others, Tali hadn't had to stop her… So maybe she didn't know. Everything was always unfair. She had found happiness, and others only sadness. It wasn't right.

Something else wasn't right either: her. She was on a mission, yet the only thing she seemed to care about was her relationship with Shepard. She wasn't on some pleasure cruise, but on an important mission. What the hell was she thinking? What if she would again get into trouble, again make Shepard save her, putting himself in danger? What if he was killed because of her? What if the mission failed because of that?

In her head, a picture of her father lecturing to her appeared, shaking his finger, snapping at her to 'stop this nonsense immediately.'

Even so, even though he wouldn't understand, would only lecture, she missed him. Terribly.

A sigh escaped from her. She shouldn't think about such things… But couldn't help it.

Even though he was actually never there… It didn't matter if she was here, or at the Flotilla, he never seemed to be close… Even if he was next to you.

Tali had tried to avoid thinking about the Fleet, since after she did, a strong sense of longing came… She had hated the crowds back then, had wanted to spend time in solitude, which was not possible… Now she missed the crowds, the Normandy seemed just so empty… Like half the crew had gone missing. It just felt too…solitary. It wasn't like she was lonely, no, since she wasn't… The crew had treated her extremely kindly, something she just wasn't used to… First she had thought them being overly nice, to have some malicious motive, but they honestly seemed just not to care about her being a quarian… And there were the engines, their noises, or more precisely; the lack of them. The engine of the Normandy just ran so quietly, the ship moved so smoothly, that it didn't even feel like they were moving… It was a disorientating feeling.

She sighed again. And now she was thinking of the Fleet… And the longing returned. She wanted to see Auntie Raan, wanted to see Kal'Reegar, to see Han'Gerrel… To see all her friends, her family… All their faces flashed in her mind as she recalled them. And she just missed them all.

Another sigh. She shouldn't think about them, not bring anymore sorrow to herself. She had enough to think about anyway.

Like the problem with Shepard, that kept paining her… The problem was not only in what could happen, but also in what couldn't happen… Intimacy. She was in an enviro-suit for a reason… She couldn't touch, couldn't kiss… She couldn't even hold his hand, no matter how much she'd want to…

She found herself regretting ever telling him how she felt, yet had wanted nothing more than to tell him, to have him return her feelings… He did, and she should be happy, but…

There was just more pain, more confusion…

A sigh escaped from her.

"Déjà vu," her working partner, Kaidan muttered with a slight grin. He still kept working at his console.

Tali raised her head and blinked. "Sorry?"

Still working, Kaidan chuckled once or twice before replying. "It means that this feels like a situation I've been in before."

"Oh," Tali muttered, then realized that she hadn't actually realized anything. "What?"

Alenko sighed, and glanced at her without raising his head. "You're sighing again."

"I…" Tali began, still confused. "I am? What do you mean again?"

"The last time we worked at a probe. After Feros."

Now the memory of the situation surfaced… "Oh…"

"Are you tired?" Kaidan asked, a slight grin still distorting his face. "Again?"

Again? "W-what do you mean?"

The grin now disappeared from Kaidan's face. "If you don't want to talk about that, it's okay. I'm not going to prod." He raised his head, gazing directly at her eyes. "You don't need to lie."

Tali's head sunk, and Kaidan's digits resumed their movement on the keyboard… She hadn't meant to lie to him, but had anyway. Maybe she should have told him? She'd told Garrus, which had helped. And it hadn't. Maybe it would have been better if Shepard had just rejected her… She didn't want to think about how much it would have hurt, but it may have been for the better. He wouldn't have to worry about her…

Always the mission. Duty first. Others first. All quarian ideals, and for a reason; they helped the Fleet to survive, to remain unified. Everyone had to think of others. They should be followed. She should follow them… But she just didn't want to… She felt stupid, childish. Selfish.

Selfish. Tali knew about the world, knew enough to know how she could not participate in some parts of it… Even a simple kiss could be deadly. These were important to all species, and she would just deny him them… Even so, she couldn't imagine a life without him…

'_You don't need to lie.'_ Don't need to? Maybe she had to, for she didn't know how to explain him… He wasn't a quarian, how could he understand her? How could he understand their society fueled by every quarian's self-sacrifice, their benevolence, their selflessness…? Just to survive. How could he understand? How could he understand the suit? He wasn't confined in such a way… He simply couldn't understand…

She had only been aboard the Normandy for such a short time, yet leaving it now was just… something she didn't even want to think about. Why was it so? Why did she feel so strongly for Shepard? How could Kaidan understand, if she didn't herself?

Being with him would harm him, but leaving would hurt her… She knew what she should do, but just didn't want to…

She sighed. "You can't understand…" she said quietly. It wasn't a claim, it was just the truth. It was what she felt.

Kaidan chuckled very quietly. "Try me."

Try… How could she explain it all? Or any of it? The only way for someone to understand would be to have experienced it, to know what it is like… Had he? Then Tali was struck; she didn't actually know anything about Kaidan, anything about his past. She felt guilty, just pouring her insides to someone she hadn't even had the courtesy to ask about… He had asked of her a lot, and she had just tried to lie to him… Something she would remedy… And find out if he knew what it was like. "Have you ever…cared…about someone?"

As her head rose back up, she could see the tense look on his face. His eyes looked pained, like something hurt him. Then it came to her; Kaidan hadn't talked about his past simply because he hadn't wanted to. Simply the memories of the events he had faced brought him pain… And she had made him recall… It seemed that she only could mess things up today. "I-I... I'm sorry Kaidan," she stuttered, just trying…something. "Just forget I asked you…" she muttered, lowering her head back to her console, starting her work again. She wouldn't allow anyone being hurt because of her… She wouldn't.

But then, Kaidan spoke. "I have."

First her eyes moved to him, head then following. He didn't look tense or uncomfortable anymore, just…sad. "There was someone, a girl named Rahna." Then a smile came to his face, and his eyes cleared. "She was very beautiful, very smart. Gentle, charming."

"She seemed to be special."

Kaidan smiled widely, like recalling a pleasant event. "She was. I don't know if she felt the same, but…" Then his smile vanished, his eyes turned back to sad. "We were at BAaT together. Biotic Acclimation and Temperance," he clarified, after seeing the puzzled tilt of Tali's head. "We used to get together after practice, and just talk for hours and hours." He took a breath, sighing. "At the time, humans didn't understand anything about biotics, so we had to hire consults to help us." His head lowered. "And their choice of those consults was really something…"

"What do you mean?"

Kaidan sighed again. "They hired turian mercenaries, who basically had a free pass to break us, if it would turn out a decent biotic." He quietly let out a chuckle. "The leader, Commander Vyrnnus, introduced himself by saying 'I was at the helm of the dreadnaught that killed your father.'" He then chuckled again. "I, of course, said that my father wasn't even in the war… After that he kinda had it in for me."

"That's…that's horrible," Tali said in disbelief… How could humans be so cruel to their own people? Their own children…

"I can understand them," Kaidan said, shrugging. "Wanting to get results fast, maybe even needing to." Then his expression steeled back. "Doesn't mean I have to accept it."

"So… what happened?"

He snorted. "He pushed us extremely hard. A lot of kids snapped, some died. Then, one day..." he sighed. "Rahna tried to reach for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically. Vyrnnus broke her arm."

"I… That's just…W-what happened then?"

"I got up, not knowing what to do… just something. Vyrnnus snapped, began hitting me, yelling how they should have bombed us back to the Stone Age." He paused, a small grimace visiting his face. " Then a knife came up. Turian military issue talon." His head shook slightly, as if still comprehending it was difficult. "I just snapped, kicked him with a full biotic kick to the head. Almost as strong as I can manage now…"

"You…you wanted to protect her. You did the right thing."

Kaidan snorted quietly. "I killed him. Maybe they could have saved him if they were fast enough, but they just weren't."

"Oh…" Tali felt he mouth opening slightly… That was just horrible… Not because she felt any sympathy for the turian, but because of Kaidan… He protected someone else, almost throwing his own life away… And had to carry that for the rest of his life…

Now Kaidan's head sunk, and the sadness surged into his eyes. "After that, Rahna became afraid of me, she didn't want to come near me ever again. We parted ways, and never saw each other again."

She left him? After what he did to her? For her? "But you saved her…."

A small chuckle came from Kaidan, and a smile visited his face, both of them vanishing as quickly as they came. "I guess she didn't see it that way."

Tali didn't know what to say… She just felt so sorry for him. He was such a good person, it wasn't right… He always tried to understand others, treated everyone fairly… What could she say to him? There was nothing she could say, nothing that would help… She could only tell the truth. "I'm sorry, Kaidan."

"I'm not," Kaidan replied, his face holding a steely expression. "And I am," he continued, the expression turning back to sadness. "I'm not sorry over what happened, but I am sorry over what it caused," Kaidan quietly replied. Then his head rose back up, and the sadness began to vanish. "But it's done, and dwelling on it won't help."

After that, a silence fell to the room, neither of them making a sound, saying a word. Then Tali decided what to do. Kaidan could understand, would understand… She would tell him. "It's about Shepard…"

Kaidan blinked, frowned. "Shepard? Has he upset you? It's pretty hard to believe that he would intentionally do that."

"No, he hasn't done anything, it's more…" Tali replied quietly, then a thought interrupted her. "W-what do you mean it's hard to believe?"

"The way he speaks about you. You are probably the only person he never has anything bad to say about…" He chuckled nervously, glanced around the room. "I, uh…" he chuckled again. "I don't mean to gossip, but… I think he likes you. A lot."

"I…" The thought brought warmth to her heart; it was a nice thought, and she let out a chuckle, more cheerful than her mood. "I…I'd like to think I know…" She recalled the conversation on Noveria. "I… I talked with him on Noveria."

"Really?" Kaidan asked, his brow rising, genuine surprise in his voice. "That's great!" he said loudly, smiling. Then the expression vanished. "Or is it?"

"No, it's just…" she paused, sighing, lowering her head. "It's not like that."

"Then…what's the problem?"

"Me," Tali replied quietly.

Kaidan just frowned. "I… I'm sorry, but I don't understand…"

"I could distract him, could get in the way of the mission…" Tali sighed. "But the problem is not only in what could happen. It's also in what won't happen."

Kaidan frowned in confusion. "Wait… What do you mean 'won't happen'?

Tali quietly sighed, her head lowered down. "I can't touch him, can never…" Her eyes began to blur, to water. Her jaws clenched together, a single drop of a tear rolling down her cheek. Why did this hurt so much? "I'm trapped inside this suit forever…" her voice faltered, trembled as she quietly spoke. Everything was always difficult, nothing was ever easy. Always something; the mission, the suit, someone else… Always something, always something in the way… "Damn the ancestors…" she muttered, wanting just to vent the pain, to have someone to blame, to hurt that someone the way it hurt her. "Damn this suit, and damn Shepard." Why did he have to make her feel this way?

A moment of silence fell to the room, but it was a short one. "You were right," Kaidan suddenly said, causing Tali's head to raise, only to see his lowered. "I can't understand. I can't know what it is like." He sighed, now raising his head, looking into her eyes. "I do know however, that if you care about someone…." his eyes became dreamy, like he was drowning in a pleasant memory. "You'll do anything for them."

"Rahna," Tali said quietly, guessing Kaidan's thoughts.

"Yeah," he replied, just as quietly.

Silence again filled the room, but not Tali's head; a whirlwind of thought raged inside. Care… She did care about him… Probably enough to ignore the possible harm to the mission… If there really was any… But did he care enough about her to… ignore the suit? Could he? If he could she'd… she'd have to find a way to touch, to free herself of the suit… It couldn't simply be impossible… Question was: did he care? "If you care enough…?"

"There's only one way to know for sure," Kaidan replied, a small smile on his face.

True… "I know," Tali replied quietly, smiling slightly as well. She walked around her console, walked to Kaidan, and hugged him. "Thanks, Kaidan," she said quietly, resting her head on his shoulder.

He gently tapped her to the back. "It'll be fine. You'll see."

…

Her finger pressed a button at the side of the door, making a slight ringing sound, turning on the door-camera. She glanced at a small monitor over the button, smiling, lowering her head as Shepard's frowning face appeared at the screen. And soon after the door opened, Tali stepping in.

As soon as she did, Shepard spoke, the door swinging back shut behind her. "Problems?"

She saw his raised brow, his quizzical expression. Her hands began to fiddle against each other, like countless times before… Why she couldn't get rid of that annoying telltale sign? "I-I've been thinking about the last time we spoke."

Shepard sighed, his gaze lowering to the table he was sitting at. "And apparently nothing good."

"I…" It was like he knew what she was about to say… Her head sunk, as she understood the hidden meaning in his reply. "I guess I do complain a lot…" she muttered, and suddenly didn't feel like talking to him; not because she was insulted by his remark, but because for once, she could just NOT complain… "I… I should go…"

She turned, took a step towards the door, when a call for her name stopped her. "Tali." She sighed, could hear Shepard getting up from his chair, walking towards her. Then the sounds stopped, and Tali could feel Shepard standing behind her, sighing. "That was not what I meant," he said, then pausing for a slight moment. "If you wanna say something, I wanna hear it."

Tali quietly sighed, still standing back towards him. She hung her head. "I'm sorry." Now she turned around, but her head still stayed low, not looking at him. "I shouldn't have said anything at Noveria…I was being stupid and selfish…"

"Oh," Shepard muttered, and Tali saw his hands going into his pockets. "So…So you're saying you're not int—"

"No!" Tali gasped, now raising her head back straight, looking at him. Then the embarrassment struck; she had interrupted him, yelped, just said the whole thing wrong… She felt her cheeks blushing slightly, and her head again went down. "T-that's not what I meant," she muttered. "It's not about what I want…"

"What do you mean?" his voice was quiet, soft.

Her head visited down, before she replied. "Y-you deserve to…be happy with someone…" a sigh escaped her, as she thought about letting him go, not seeing him. "There's just… I can't do that." She shook her head slightly, her eyes feeling dry, yet moist. "I can't touch you… I can't kiss you… I can't even hold your hand."

Slowly, Shepard's hand moved from his pocket, reached for hers. She took his hand, squeezing his fingers. "Can't hold my hand?" Shepard asked quietly.

"Not without the suit," she replied, voice only a whisper.

"I don't care," Shepard said, just as quietly.

"You're just saying that," she whispered, knowing that that just wasn't the truth. "Everyone cares about that."

"Maybe I do care," he replied, a whisper as well. Tali felt her heart sink, bleed. She knew he cared about that, and she just couldn't take that away from him… No matter how much she'd like to… But then Shepard continued, sighing. "But I care about you more."

She snorted quietly, her eyes now feeling moist, like water wished to drop from them. Her teeth clenched together, and she untangled her hand from his, taking a step back. Care for her more? It just made no sense. "Why?" she asked quietly, distressingly. "I'm not even human."

"Am I quarian?" Shepard asked, his expression now getting darker.

"No!" she snapped, taking another step back, biting her lip, looking around in desperation. The waters in her eyes started to flow; the first drop fell. "This just doesn't make any sense!" She almost yelled now… Why couldn't he just tell her off? Why did he have to make her choose between everything?

"Does it have to?" Shepard asked, his voice still calm.

"Of course it has to!" she yelled, now the second tear falling. "Why can't you just tell me to go away?"

"Because I don't want you to go away," Shepard said, his voice now getting stronger.

"Why can't you!" she shouted.

"So you want to go?" Shepard asked, now his voice steely, angry.

"No! I…" then she realized something; what the longing for the Fleet was… It was guilt, self-hate, disappointment at herself… Her head sunk, third tear falling down all down her mouth. She tasted the salt. "You're making me choose," she said quietly, her voice shaking.

The anger on Shepard's face faded away, frown appearing. "What are you talking about?"

The memories of her leaving the Fleet surfaced, the leaving ceremony, all her friends… Even her father had been there… "I promised to bring something back to the Flotilla, to come back… I want to see my friends, my family… I can't just abandon my people, I can't just be that selfish…" She sighed deeply, her voice faltering, shaking. "But neither can I leave you."

Only a blink, and he stood right before her. His hands moved to cheeks, tilting her head upwards, right to him. She wrapped her fingers around his thumbs. ""Why is it always about what you know, or what you are supposed to do? For once, why don't you just do what you want?" His voice was quiet, soft.

"It doesn't work that –"

She was silenced by Shepard's finger pressing against her mask, right on the spot her mouth was. "What do you want? Not the Fleet."

Even if everything was confusing, hard, difficult… There was that one question she could give her answer immediately at any time. "I…I-I want you," she whispered.

A smile came to Shepard's face. "That's…" he began quietly, his eyes bright. "I feel the same, but…" the smile vanished. "I'm not asking you to do anything for me. I just want you to do what you want."

She squeezed his thumbs. "I just want to be with you," she whispered. She had never felt such pull towards someone… Such desire to be with them, with him… Every second without him was miserable… But even when she was close, she longed to be closer… "I…" she began, unsure of how to even say such a thing, how to tell how much she cared. There was only one thing good enough. "I think I'd like to show you my face."

Shepard huffed quietly in surprise. "That's a pretty big showing of trust…" was the only thing he could utter.

"No," Tali said, her head shaking slightly, his hands with it. "It's the utmost showing of trust….I've…" her gaze turned to his toes, her head following. She felt slightly embarrassed about the subject that would follow… But she just wanted to tell him how much she cared. "I-I've never trusted anyone as much as you… I've… I've never shown my face to anyone before…"

For a split second, hesitation, doubt visited on his face, but it vanished. His forehead touched hers. "When?" whispered a question, his eyes even brighter than before.

"It'll take time… I… I need to do some research… To… figure it all out…"

"It can't be that dangerous just to show your face," Shepard remarked, frowning.

So he didn't know about the rest? About the intimacy part? Oh… "It's not just that, it's…" she paused, sighing, foreheads separating. They stood face-to-face, still connected at their palms. "I-it also signals willingness for, um…intimacy. Traditionally, I mean…" she blinked, realizing what she was saying… Or trying to say. She quickly turned her gaze at the floor, feeling the rush of blood into her cheeks, making them burn. "Not that I'm saying that I'm not willing, I just…" She sighed; that didn't make it any better…"I mean… If you are willing…" ¨She carefully glanced at Shepard, who seemed to be quite surprised, again."Are you?"

Shepard chuckled once or twice a bit forcibly. "Well I'm not…" he cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Opposed to the idea… I, uh, I would be blind if I were…" he continued with slight grin, causing the burning to intensify on Tali's face. But the grin only visited on his face, his eyes turning to the floor. "I just…" he began quietly." "You don't need to prove anything to me. You don't need to because you feel you have to…"

"I want to."

"Then I want it too."


	15. New Friends

Strange. She had thought she had known what she'd feel after…choosing. But there was no regret, no hesitation… No fear. She felt like she had found her place in the world. And it didn't seem to be with the Fleet. Maybe not regret or hesitation, but there was definitely guilt. She knew she should go back, to help her people, to see her friends, her family, her father…

Her father… Oh Keelah. How could she tell him that she wasn't going to come back? And for such a selfish reason? For a human? Tali wasn't sure which one of those three would be the worst for him… He had dedicated his life for the good of the Fleet, and then his daughter would just leave her people, remain with an alien…

Yet… the thought of standing up to her father brought a small grin to her face. He would be furious, but let him… For once, he couldn't tell her what to do.

But still, she felt the guilt. Guilt for leaving her friends… Could they understand? Would they understand? Maybe… She knew what auntie Raan would say, she could practically see her telling her how she should follow her heart, smiling, hugging her… It was a nice thought, a nice picture. Kal'Reegar: 'Wish you best of luck, Tali'Zorah…' Another nice thought.

But she could also picture them saying something else… Raan asking her how she could do that to her father, leave him alone… Reegar telling her how the Fleet could have needed her…

And those thoughts weren't nice.

Luckily, this was not today's problem. But yet it felt like it was.

…

In addition to her brand new surge of guilt, there was one other concern constantly floating into her consciousness; Liara. It couldn't have been easy to lose one's mother, and to be the one to end her… It wrenched Tali's heart just to think about it, let alone experience it… She just felt the need to do something; help, comfort, alleviate… She didn't really know how, or if she even could, but she had to try. Liara was a part of her crew, and quarians never abandoned theirs, never left them. To a quarian, the crew was their family. Every member would always be ready to help the other in their moment of need… You help someone, someone helps you… But it wasn't about getting something in return; it was about doing what's right. Or what's needed. Stick together, strength in unity… All of that. Maybe she wasn't going back, maybe she would leave them, but the Fleet would never leave her.

And Liara was her crew, and Tali would try to help her… It was the least she could do.

But as she reached the door leading to the Med-bay, she noticed someone else at it too. "Chief Williams?" Tali asked the female soldier standing before the door, her head slightly hung, deeply in thought.

Williams jumped in surprise, snapping a turn towards Tali. After seeing it was her, she quietly sighed in relief. "Tali," she greeted her, both exchanging nods. "Don't sneak up on people like that…"

"Sorry," Tali replied, wondering about Williams' jumpiness. Was something wrong? She was standing before the Med-bay… "Are you sick?"

"Um," Williams began, suddenly starting to look slightly uncomfortable. "No."

"Is there some other problem?" Tali asked again, now wondering if she was being overly curious… Humans were quite reclusive. By quarian standards, at least. "If you want to tell, that is…"

"No, it's not that…It's…" she said, her eyes now avoiding Tali's. With that, she sighed again, seemingly pondering on whether or not to tell her. And apparently choosing the former. "Oh, shoot me, damn it… I, uh, I was thinking about seeing Liara…" she quietly muttered, obviously nervous, giving Tali a hesitant glance. "Y'know… about her mother and stuff."

"Oh," Tali responded in slight surprise; it didn't seem much to be nervous about. At least to Tali…"Well, why are you still here?"

Williams just looked very uncertain, hesitant. Like she didn't know what to do. "I don't really know her. It could be creepy."

It couldn't be that strange to Liara at least; asari were quite open, like quarians. But obviously Williams was neither of them, or knew of that. Humans just seemed to be so… so self-reliant, so individualistic, and so independent, that they didn't seem to need others. Or like to need others… Tali didn't know if it was a biological difference, or just a cultural one, but they did keep to themselves, maybe not to the extent of krogan, but still more than her people.

And Tali's confusion was apparently something Williams noticed. "Y'know… Someone you don't really know comes asking weird questions… Would freak me out."

Weird. It seemed that Williams was hesitant about the way Liara would receive her… Tali had never thought Williams as insecure about herself… She was a marine, a squad leader, and by any means a strong woman… It was strange to see her like that… Strange and unexpected…

Tali mentally snorted at herself… She shouldn't judge people just by what they seem to be, since she herself knew what a pain it was being profiled as a thief, as a beggar, and as a liar. "I… I think I understand," she replied, more quietly than she had intended, Williams giving her a small smile in return. "Actually, I'm here for the same thing."

The Chief seemed genuinely surprised.. "Oh…Guess I feel less weird now." She turned at the door, now more...sad, than surprised. Sad?. "I do feel pretty stupid though."

"What do you mean? Why?" Tali asked, her head tilting in confusion.

"Well I…" The look in her wasn't exactly sadness, it was… desperate, apologetic. Like guilt. And her heavy sigh reinforced that picture. "I didn't really believe it when she said she and her mother hadn't talked in years. They're family, y'know?"

The picture of her father surged into Tali's mind, sinking her mood, her eyes, her head. "Not all families are close."

"Yeah, guess you're right…"

Then a question came racing to Tali; one she had wanted to ask a very long time ago, one that had risen almost right after she had joined the team… And now she could satisfy these feelings of curiosity... It made her wonder if she was at times too curious. "Chief Williams, can I ask you something?" As she spoke, her head rose slowly, with Williams peering at her with a muddled frown.

"I guess. Shoot."

"Did you, uh… lose someone at Eden Prime?"

For a second, Williams remained completely still, as if the question was hard to understand. Her paused expression changed to something Tali recognized from before today though… She had seen it on Kaidan's face as well… Again, Tali had managed to bring something painful up.

But before she could apologize for her social clumsiness, Williams' voice silenced her. "Yeah," she responded, her voice lacking her characteristic lightness, authority. It was like the soldier in her disappeared, and only the sad woman remained. "I was stationed at Eden Prime, and my… My whole squad was killed…" She had been stationed on Eden Prime? Tali had had no idea… Why did she have to bring up all painful things today…?

Tali tried to apologize again, but now Williams' raised hand silenced her in turn. "We were ambushed by the geth. They just… started firing at us without warning… I… I was the only one to get away." Her eyes fogged, stared at nothing, she herself drowned into a painful memory, one she had seemingly almost managed to forget. "They were good people. They didn't deserve to die like that. Not by those machines... Those unfeeling machines... No eyes, nothing..."

Tali could understand everything now; Williams calling her a 'quarian' downplayingly, her snapping at Kaidan during the elevator ride, her being quite distant to Tali all this time… She must really hate her people, and Tali couldn't blame her; everything the geth did was quarians' responsibility. Maybe the quarians had already paid the price for their mistake, and maybe it wasn't a mistake of the quarians of today, but it was still their responsibility.

Theirs and the Council's; quarians had begged for help, but the Council had simply turned away in their 'infinite' wisdom… As if they had wanted to snap the quarians to say 'We told you so…' True, they had warned the quarians about the dangers of A.I research, and the quarians hadn't listened… And then the Council hadn't listened… Maybe it wasn't Tali's mistake exactly, maybe it wasn't because of her hubris that things came to be the way they were, and maybe it wasn't her fault… But it still didn't make her feel any less guilty. "I guess you must really hate quarians…"

"Look, Tali," Williams began, the expression of guilt leaving, changing into… sympathy? Into understanding? How could she possibly understand? "I know what it's like to be blamed for something you didn't do, like you get blamed. But, I just… I just can't help it… Your people created the geth, and now they're killing organics. I know it's crap to get blamed for, but…"

Blamed for something? The phrase caught Tali's attention, yet disappeared quickly into her subconscious… Tali couldn't blame Williams for feeling what she felt… If some humanity's invention would kill all her friends, Tali would be just as angry. She just wished that it wouldn't have to be…personal. It hurt especially when someone blamed her specifically, not just her people. "Do you… blame me?" she asked, her quiet voice reflecting her uncertainty.

A sigh escaped Williams before she replied. "No… Damn Tali, you're practically a hero."

Tali felt a surge of embarrassment passing through her, remaining on her face, burning. "I haven't really done anything," she muttered.

"Bullcrap!" Williams said, brushing her off. "You're here fighting with the rest of us. All of us are damn heroes."

"I…maybe," Tali admitted. They did fight…

"Not maybe. Are," Williams insisted with a grin. But the grin vanished quickly, again the guilt surfacing through. "Anyway, I did have a point there somewhere…. Which is: Sorry for being sort of assholey to you. I was just mad."

"The 'what about her, the _quarian_?' –thing?" Tali asked, raising her eyebrows. She was really apologizing to her? Tali felt flustered; no one apologized to a quarian… Everyone just saw her people as something you could vent your frustrations on, to spit on, to disdain, to make one's self feel better by scolding them… But to apologize for it all… No one ever before had apologized for their behavior… Well, except Garrus… But he was strange anyway, and a small smile rose to her face as she thought of the turian she 'barely tolerated.' And his 'tip' about Shepard... Turian bosh'tet...

"Yeah," Williams replied, grimacing slightly at the memory. "That must have sucked."

"Well, If you don't blame me, then I won't hold that against you either," Tali responded to her kindness, the same smile still on her face.

"Guess we are both kinda okay then?" Williams asked, slightly smiling in return.

She extended Tali her hand, and she shook it.

They exchanged nods, and Williams began walking towards the elevator at the far end of the room. "You're not coming?" Tali asked her, pointing at the Med-bay's door with her thumb.

"Gonna chicken out on this one," Williams replied. "Tell Liara I said hello. Or something…"

After Williams disappeared, Tali scraped her head in slight confusion. "Chicken…?"

…

The small thoughts of confusion vanished the moment she walked through the Med-Bay's doors. The doors swung open quietly, hissing as they did, and Tali stepped inside. Immediately inside, she was greeted by a smile from Doctor Chakwas. "Tali," she smiled, seemingly surprised at seeing her. Her expression then darkened, her eyes narrowed. Worry. "Is something wrong?"

"No, I'm fine," Tali replied, smiling at the Doctor's care for her. Like Doctor Michel, Tali had liked Chakwas the moment she saw her; she was always very respectful of her, knew a lot of her people… And she genuinely cared. It was like the best and brightest of humans became doctors… "I'm just here to see Liara."

"Yes," Chakwas replied, and judging by her sunken expression, she knew why Tali was there. "Poor child."

"Isn't she actually older than you?" Tali remarked, raising her eyebrows slyly.

"'Actually' older than me?" Chakwas asked, clearly amused at Tali's would-be clever remark. "I do hope that I do not look over one hundred years old."

"Don't worry. You're very youthful," Tali replied, with still the same sly expression.

"Well, thank you, dear," the Doctor responded gently with a smile. But, like before, the happy expression faded away. "But speaking seriously: Liara may be old by our years, but her mind is still one of a child. Full of enthusiasm, and easy to shatter."

Maybe Tali didn't have the same wisdom brought by age like Doctor Chakwas had, but she agreed with her. Of course, Chakwas' statement could be attributed to her as well.

The sunken moment was ended by Chakwas' voice; her face now wearing an uneasy, worried look. "Tali… I do hope I'm not being far too curious, but I… I worry about you."

"About me? Why?"

Seemingly far too self-conscious, Chakwas' gaze dropped. "I… I do know about you and the Commander. I do know what happens when people care for each other… The crave for intimacy, for closeness. Just… be careful. Your immune system is very weak."

Tali felt flustered, embarrassed…awkward. "It seems everyone else knew about Shepard's feelings except me."

Chakwas smiled warmly, now looking back into her eyes. "Sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to see."

The wisdom of the sentence was wasted on her; Tali's mind was focused on a question, a question that's answer frightened her… Tali knew Chakwas was a doctor, a very good one, and Tali should do what she said… Even if she didn't want to… But she still had to ask. And quietly, uncertainly, she did. "Are you saying I… I shouldn't try it?"

"As a doctor? Yes. As your friend? No… Though you must understand that there are… difficulties, and risks."

"I don't care," Tali replied, the words as true as words could be.

Chakwas again smiled very warmly at her. "That is what I assumed. Shepard is very lucky to have you."

"I…I-I don't know about that…" Tali muttered.

"Well I do," the Doctor responded, now slightly more strictly, upbraidingly. Then her eyes wandered, the smile quickly returned. "Shepard is a really special man."

"I know."

But the spark of happiness in Chakwas' eyes didn't last, the characteristic worry returning. "He looks out for all of us, carries the weight of the world… He never admits it, but I know it is hard for him. Just… Please look after him, please take care of him."

Tali could practically see a picture of contemplative Shepard sitting somewhere alone, his whole essence heavy, dark. It just made Tali wish to do something, anything… For him. "I want to."

"I know you do."

A silence fell to the room, but this one was different to many others Tali had experienced; it was pleasant one. But all things must end, even the pleasant ones. She had work to do. "I should really go see Liara," Tali said, gesturing towards the backroom door.

Chakwas merely nodded in response.

But as Tali stood before the door, she did speak, causing Tali to stop at her place. "Interspecies relationships are difficult. If you need any help, I'll be glad to give it."

Tali nodded slightly as thanks, and as her head turned back at the door, the thought of asking for it humored her.

Maybe she even would.

…

And now, finally, Tali had managed to find Liara. Doctor T'Soni was sitting in front of a terminal in the darkly lid backroom, apparently working on something at the computer. Her head, followed by the rest of her body, span at the door as Tali stepped in though, interrupting whatever mysteries she was trying to solve. She gave Tali an inquiring look. "Tali'Zorah? Can I help you?"

"I was actually thinking of the same thing," Tali replied, and a puzzled frown appeared on Liara's face. Right then, Tali could understand how Williams felt; she didn't really know Liara… It could be strange… But let it. "I… I just wanted to ask if you'd… like to talk about what happened on Noveria."

"You mean about Benezia?" Liara asked, still puzzled.

Tali felt queasiness going through her. She had thought that this would be natural, easy, but it just wasn't… She didn't know Liara, didn't know her crew… The thought was more sad than anything; she was a quarian, yet didn't know others she served with, hadn't cared enough to find out. She had just been thinking about Shepard… Maybe one of those reasons why she hadn't spoken with Liara was him, was due to how Liara had seen him… But no excuse would do; not knowing one's crew was the same like not caring for one's family; a sign of brokenness, a sign of wrongness… And she didn't want to be either of those things. At least more than she was.

"Yes… I just thought that since you are my crew, I… I should ask how, uh… How you are…" her voice matched her self-consciousness.

"I…see." mild surprise visited Liara's face as she replied. "To quote myself; it must be a…quarian thing. Forgive me, for I do not know much of quarians. Your people are a mystery."

"It's no wonder; we're never in on-," Tali responded, but she trailed off after a thought surfaced.. 'We're'... They're... She wasn't going back, she wasn't a part of the Fleet... She shouldn't say 'we'. "In one place for long," she continued, muttering.

"I...see," Liara repeated herself, slight frown on her face. "I have heard of some of your customs though. For example, I have heard that you share all the items you do not need."

As Tali's thoughts lingered on the Fleet, her mood kept sinking. "Yes, well... It's not just about sharing, but also common sense; the space is limited, enough to store only what you need... So we, uh, they... So quarians share. Someone else could need what you don't."

Again it gave her difficulty to just even say it.. We... She didn't feel like a quarian... She was going to abandon her people for a selfish reason, going to go against everything she knew was right. It hurt, but it didn't matter; the other option would hurt even more... She couldn't even consider it; leaving Normandy, the mission... Leaving Shepard... It just felt unthinkable.

And again, Liara repeated herself, the frown deepening. "I...see." After a moment of silence, she continued speaking, but still looking... suspicious. Tali's stutters must have caught her attention; Liara wasn't stupid. That, at least, Tali knew of her... "You asked about Benezia?"

Tali nodded slightly, grateful at Liara changing the subject, trying to get rid of the disturbing thoughts, at least until the conversation was over... She should focus on Liara, not on her own problems...

"It is kind that you ask," Liara replied softly with a smile. "But you need not worry; the asari outlive most of the species in the galaxy, so every asari has to deal with loss at some point... We very rarely perish before our bondmates. We do not worry about the future, just try to cherish and enjoy of the time we have."

"That's a pretty positive attitude," Tali remarked, her brow now raised, the worries dissipating somewhere for a moment. "Though it can't be so easy as you describe it."

"You are right, it is not," Liara replied, her smile fading away. "I do miss Benezia, even though I know that she finally has peace. But like I said; I try to remember the good in her, the good we had... Not these things of late."

"Were you close?" Tali asked, again thinking of her father.

"I cannot say..." Liara replied with a thoughtful expression. "We didn't always agree on things, but I loved her. And I know she loved me." As she spoke, her expression did darken though, as if she regretted something. "I hadn't actually talked nor seen her in years before I did on Noveria."

"I remember you saying that," Tali responded, the image of Liara inside the Prothean security device coming back to her. "But why?"

"As I said, we didn't always agree on everything. Benezia was a Matriarch, a very respected one, so there were expectations towards me as well-"

Tali raised her hand. She just couldn't help but interrupting; that felt far too familiar. "Sorry to interrupt, but I know exactly how you feel..."

Liara's brow rose inquiringly. "What do you mean?"

Tali quietly chuckled; it was funny, Liara seemed to be exactly like her... "My father is a member of the Flotilla's Admiralty Board; the highest ranking political body of the Fleet... So, like you said... there's a lot expected of me as well..."

"That sounds very familiar," Liara replied, a sympathetic, understanding smile visiting on her face. "It is a burden... And... Even if I hate to admit it, one of the reasons I turned to archeology. To escape those expectations... However, I can see that you do not have that luxury."

"I don't know if I'd even want to," Tali said, her thoughts lingering on her father... She knew she wasn't going back, but she definitely wasn't abandoning her Pilgrimage... If she could bring something important back, maybe it would help her father to accept her leaving... Maybe it would make him proud, at least once.

"I can understand; You wish to fulfill those expectations, to choose the harder way. It is admirable."

"Right," Tali muttered in self-disgust... Fulfill expectations... As if...

"You do not think so?" Liara asked insightfully. "Isn't this the most important mission ever taken? I cannot imagine anyone not being impressed."

"I haven't actually told my father about this mission. He wouldn't understand," Tali said, knowing the words were true. "He'd say Saren is a human problem, one humans should deal with. He'd say I should concentrate on the matters that affect the Fleet, to concentrate on my Pilgrimage... And he'd say that I'm only going to get killed."

Liara seemed surprised by her confession. "He cannot see the consequences of Saren's success? It would affect the Migrant Fleet."

"I don't think he'd believe in the Reapers. He's a practical man; there's not much proof. And most species don't care about quarians, so some quarians don't care about other species either..."

"I...see," Liara replied again, giving Tali another suspicious look. "Do _you_ believe in the Reapers? Like you said, there is not much evidence."

"I believe that Saren is not doing anything beneficial to the galaxy..." Tali began, wondering if she should say the rest... "And I... believe in Shepard. If he thinks they are a threat, then so do I."

"Yes, Shepard..." Liara's eyes seemed to narrow slightly. "He is truly an intriguing man."

Tali hoped Liara would watch her tongue... She could feel a surge of anger building up inside her, and even though knew that this surge of jealousy was ridiculous and unneeded, couldn't help the feeling. "Maybe," she answered warily, her eyes narrowing dangerously.

"And completely focused..." Liara continued her list of admiration, making Tali's teeth clench together. But she was now eying Tali strangely, in a way Tali didn't recognize. But after she spoke, Tali understood. "...on you."

Tali blinked. Liara knew too? And she hadn't been that long aboard the Normandy. Tali felt extremely stupid. Again. She was starting to get used to that, and snorted sarcastically. "Even you knew..." she muttered. "Doctor Chakwas, Garrus, Kaidan... Everyone seemed to know but me..."

"So you did know of it?" Liara asked, her tone slightly surprised in turn.

"Yes," Tali replied quietly. "Since he did tell me... After I told him." The following felt too private to tell, but Liara had told her about her mother, about how she felt... Maybe she should tell her. It still felt slightly... embarrassing, and Tali found that she couldn't keep eye-contact. "I... I, uh, I had wanted to tell to him for a long time, but I just didn't really believe that... he'd...feel the same. It just... I just..."

"Yet I get the feeling that you are not happy?" Liara inquired, again very insightfully.

Tali let out frustrated sigh, turning away from Liara. "I know I should be, and I am... And I'm not..." She didn't really feel like speaking of this, not to Liara, whom she didn't really know, but the words just seemed to pour out.

"I do not understand," Liara stated with a confused frown.

Tali knew how to clarify; to tell of her choice, to tell how she would abandon her people, to tell how she would go against everything she knew was right... To tell how she couldn't choose otherwise... She just didn't know if she wanted to do so... Singular words uttered from her mouth, as she tried to decide whether to tell or not... It just felt so private, yet it shouldn't feel like that; no secrets between shipmates... There shouldn't be any, yet there was... She wasn't used to this... closeness, this uncertainty... this feeling of being alone, having no one to tell, no one to rely on. No on relying on you. Yet it was exactly what she was doing now... It was confusing; she didn't know what to think, what to do.

But then someone unexpected rescued her. "Fireteam, listen up," the ship's speakers sounded, with the familiar voice of Joker... "Your fearless leader wants you in the garage A-S-A-P. Some mission or something... Nobody tells me anything."

A stroke of luck? She wasn't usually on the receiving end of those... So she embraced this one. "We should go. A-S-A-P means fast in human... I think."

A slight confusion still remained Liara's face, slight suspicion, but she rose up from her chair. "You are right."

Both of them exited the room, Tali never answering the question.


	16. Fighting and Bonding

A yawn. Saving the galaxy sure looked easier in the vids... Tali kicked a small rock in frustration, sending it flying away. But due to the higher gravity on Nepmos, and her fatigued muscles, the rock didn't fly that far. Actually it merely rolled around, revealing just another boring, dark grey side of it. That was what the whole planet actually was; boring, dark grey rock.

Filled with Rachni.

Tali had thought, and wished, that she'd seen the last of those weird insects on Noveria, but apparently wishing just wasn't enough.

Joker's voice echoed inside her head, annoying her even further... She had thought his voice as a stroke of luck, pulling her away from that conversation she had had with Liara... But, as it seemed customary to quarians, there was no such luck. True, she had managed to avoid speaking to her, but right now, she would much prefer doing that...

Third hour on this planet, Nepmos was its name, and constant fighting. Humans had set up a small military outpost on the planet, and for some reason the rachni were extremely determined to destroy that outpost. They just poured out of small holes near the post, and threw themselves into fire... The Alliance marines had tried to collapse the tunnels with explosives, but the rachni had simply dug new ones.

Shepard had decided to try that again though, with much more powerful explosives. And without her. She snorted at the thought, and at him. As if she couldn't take care of herself... But no... It was 'too dangerous.' Apparently not too dangerous for Chief Williams and Lieutenant Alenko though...

But... Even though it was annoying, maybe even insulting, she did understand him; he wanted to protect her. It was sweet of him to do such a thing, to care... It made her feel special, good. It made her smile.

But his judgment could be better! It wasn't like she wasn't capable of taking care of herself! Or that she was some kind of burden for him to carry around, a liability! She wasn't like that, she wasn't helpless! And he had put her aside many times already... It was really starting to test her patience... Maybe she should yell to him? She'd done it before... Maybe it'd help? The thought was grin-worthy.

Or maybe she was just tired? She should be.

After hearing Joker's voice, after that 'stroke of luck', the team had done nothing but worked... Mission after mission, Shepard desperately trying to find any hints to Saren's whereabouts or intentions. They knew he was looking for the Conduit, they knew it was somewhere behind the Mu Relay... They just didn't know where; the visions in Shepard's head were still unclear, missing pieces. It was impossible to determine where that place was... Not even Liara could pinpoint the location... So they answered almost every weird distress call near them... Which meant constant work.

Between her duties as an engineer and as a team member, Tali had barely slept during this last week. Missions at planets, work on the ship...

During these last few days they had ran across something strange though, extremely strange; an organization called Cerberus. Exo-Geni had done some very macabre tests with Thorian creepers, trying to turn them into an army, at... was it Nodacrux? Anyway, the creepers had gone berserk and killed all the scientists, but some documents mentioned an organization called Cerberus, and Exo-Geni having sent some of the creepers to them. Even that peaked the team's interest, but it wasn't the last time they would hear of Cerberus...

A colony in Matano system, probably, had been... transformed into husks, which was just something Tali couldn't even comprehend... How could anyone use such barbaric ways to conduct research? Something needed to be done about this organization... Something violent. They had to pay. With their blood.

And there had been more. A Corporal named... Toombs, was it? He had told that Cerberus was responsible for the tragedy of Akuze. The look of shock on William's and Kaidan's face embarrassed Tali; she felt ignorant, not knowing of such an important event. Then again, how many humans knew of any important event of the quarians? Even so, she had asked about the event of Shepard, who, to Tali's surprise, hadn't looked shocked, just... calm. He had told her of the thresher maw attack, of how a battalion of human marines had been ambushed by the beasts and killed... But he didn't seem particularly upset, unlike Kaidan or Ashley.

And his... lack of reaction wasn't the first in kind, he just always asked why, tried to understand... Like everything could be explained, like there was some reason for everything. A purpose. Whereas with her... she just couldn't see any reason good enough, no purpose or goal noble enough to justify murdering and torturing other people. It was just unforgivable. At least to her.

But now her tired mind managed to focus on her Commander's demolition team of Kaidan and Ashley. The three humans walked forward slowly, carefully, avoiding the rachni corpses of the last wave dotted all across the small field. Shepard's and Williams' heads kept turning from side to side, ready to spot any movement. Kaidan, however, tried to stay between the two, carrying a large explosive device in his hands. Tali snorted. Kaidan was a good tech, but he wasn't as good as her... She felt slightly embarrassed at her pride, although knew it was the truth... But it wasn't a contest...

But Shepard should have taken her with him! She wanted to kick him for his stubbornness, for his stupidity...

She sighed, climbing a few stairs of a small platform next to her, and knelt down before the platform's fence. She laid down her shotgun, setting it resting against the same fence. Then she crossed her arms on the fence, and rested her chin on top of them, eyes still tailing her Commander. "Bosh'tet... Idiot... Moron..."

Her Commander... She felt a weight on her chest, like something tried to crush her... She shouldn't be angry at him, and she wasn't... Much... She was just worried, worried how he was again throwing himself into fire... She drew her pistol, and supporting her elbows on the fence, took aim at the team's direction, making sure there were not any rachni near them. Any live ones, that is.

She took a glance at her surroundings, seeing Garrus on a platform next to hers, looking through the scope of his sniper rifle, seemingly very concentrated. The sight made her lower her weapon; as if a pistol would do anything anyway at this distance...

At a nearby barracks, she saw Wrex leaning against the structure's wall, with Liara administering medigel onto his shoulder, much to Wrex's annoyance. He kept pulling his shoulder away from her, putting his hand in-between them, while Liara tried to persuade him to let her help him. The sight made Tali chuckle quietly.

Wrex seemed to be quite good at taking hits against rachni; this was the second time they'd fought those creatures, and both times the rachni had managed to get their claws on Wrex... It wasn't really funny, since he was hurt... But then again, he was a krogan, so he actually wasn't hurt that badly. Yet.

It almost seemed like the rachni concentrated on him, tried to finish him off first. Maybe they knew what krogan were, even if they were mindless? No songs, or whatever the queen had said... Tali was too tired to remember. Maybe these ones had songs?

"All right, the charge is set. Keep watch for bugs, we're coming back," Shepard ordered over the radio.

Here we go... Tali raised her pistol, aiming it towards the tunnels again.

…

The blast had definitely been something; even though she was wearing her helmet, her ears still rang. Walking was difficult, probably due to ear damage... Tali just hoped it wasn't anything permanent, she would prefer not having to walk as if she were intoxicated.

Her head also hurt, which further annoyed her. It wasn't very intense, or very painful, but the constant throbbing was extremely irritating... And when accompanied with the fatigue, almost intolerable. She felt like exploding.

She entered the barracks, the same Wrex had been leaning against before, seeing Shepard and Lieutenant Durand, the one in charge of the post, leaning on a table in the center of the room. "So the nest is here?" Shepard asked, pointing at somewhere on it. As Tali walked inside the room, she noticed Kaidan and Ashley around the table as well. Tali exchanged nods with Kaidan as she approached the table, arriving to the opposite end of it. Shepard raised his head to look at the newcomer, and nodded as well. Tali replied in kind again.

"Yes sir," Durand responded, her finger touching the holographic map on the table, a small round symbol appearing on it. "Here."

"Any intel?" Shepard queried, his head turned back to the map.

"It's a nest, sir," the human Lieutenant replied, slightly shrugging as she did.

Shepard's head turned at her. "Nothing?" his voice more strict now. Upbraiding.

The marine leader's head dropped suddenly, like remembering something unpleasant. "I sent a few men there... they... They haven't reported back."

The whole room seemed to froze for a few seconds, as if holding a silent moment for the fallen. "Well, that means there's something there," Shepard replied, quietly sighing afterwards. "And how secure are you here now?"

"My men are tired, Commander." she begun, her head still hanging low. "We've been fighting these things for days..." Then her head rose back up, posture straightened. "But since your team managed to collapse the tunnels, I think we'll manage, sir."

"Good," Shepard growled. "I'm still leaving two of my squad here. To help with whatever you need." Shepard crossed his arms, and through the thin visor on his helmet, Tali saw his eyes narrowing grimly. "The collapsed tunnels might not hold them for that long."

Durand nodded. "I'd appreciate that."

Shepard returned her nod, and turned now to Tali. "Tali, you're staying with..." He glanced around the room, looking for someone. "...Garrus. Wherever he is."

He was going to leave her behind again? She tried not to, but just couldn't suppress her will to protest. "Shepard!" she snapped, causing Shepard's eyes to return to her, still narrow. Tali knew that yelling to him in public was going to undermine his authority, but she didn't care...

Shepard apparently did. "Everyone, dismissed," he growled quietly, his eyes locked in Tali's.

From the corner of her eye, she saw the three other humans nodding to the Commander, and quietly leaving the room. Shepard's eyes staying on Tali's the entire time. He didn't look pleased. Let him be that way... She didn't care if her shouting pleased him or not.

Yet knew she did care.

Ashley Williams glanced at Shepard and Tali before exiting through the door, which closed down behind her. Shepard crossed his arms, and looked cross. "You apparently disapprove."

"I do," Tali snapped angrily. "You leave me constantly behind!"

"What the hell do you mean 'constantly'?

He couldn't be that stupid... His avoiding the question enraged her even further. "Every time you leave me somewhere to guard something, while you charge head-first into danger!" she snapped, pointing at him with her finger.

"I said it's dangerous," Shepard replied curtly. "You don't understand speech?"

His demeanor had changed; his usual calm was gone, he wasn't relaxed... He just stared at her, like looking for confrontation. Something she would be glad to give him. At least in this state of mind."It's your brain I don't understand," Tali hissed back, her arms spreading wide dramatically. "If everything is so dangerous to me, then why am I even here?"

"Because you are so damn charming," Shepard replied sarcastically.

"Answer!"

"I'm not here to be kicked around by you!" Shepard snapped, his voice now beginning to match hers.

"Fine," Tali hissed, starting towards the door, the same one Shepard stood before. "I'll just be here, since you want that so badly." She wasn't even trying to dodge him, just bumped straight at him.

But since Shepard was a human male, and quite a large one, he did not move. She took a few steps back, and lowered her head. She couldn't leave unless he let her. "You should come to the nest," Shepard growled. "You obviously have a death-wish or something."

But that again lighted the fire inside her. "I don't have a death-wish!" she yelled. "I just don't want to be useless!"

"Then why didn't you say so!" Shepard snapped in turn, his eyes looked like they were on fire. "You just fucking yell!"

Tali snorted, realizing the real reason she was angry with him... It wasn't just about her feeling useless... It was about him not noticing that it mattered to her... She had told him how she wanted to help, but he just didn't let her... He knew it... Maybe... She just felt stupid; how could he remember everything she'd ever said? "You're supposed to know," she said, now more quietly.

The tone of her voice seemed to immediately calm him down, extinguishing the fiery argument. His eyes broke their long contact with hers, a calm returning into them. "How the hell am I supposed to know if you don't say anything?"

Tali didn't know if he even could, and knew she was acting stupid, but he just didn't notice her being upset and it just... Made her feel... disappointed? It was ridiculous to demand such stupid things of others, and knew it was very selfish, but just couldn't shake the feeling. She felt stupid, yet angry. To both herself, and to him. She just sighed out loud, frustrated at the storm of emotion. "Could you please let me out?" she asked quietly of him. "I need to help the outpost."

For a moment, Shepard looked like he wanted to say something, but then decided to hold his tongue, and simply stepped aside.

Tali stepped into the doorway, stopping there for a second. "I'm sorry I yelled at you," she apologized to him quietly. Then, not waiting for his reply, stepped outside, leaving Shepard to stare at his own feet.

…

A sigh. She shouldn't have yelled at him... He meant well, tried to keep her safe, to avoid any unnecessary danger... She could understand him, and would probably do the same to him... He should have just asked her opinion, or maybe she should have just given it? Without yelling, that is. Speak like an adult, not yell like a child. She felt extremely stupid...

And now that she was actually here, she realized that she had been wrong; the outpost really needed her. The generator, for example, had been broken by one of the rachni slipping through the frontlines, and the damage was rather extensive, requiring a skilled engineer to repair. The outpost had had one, but he had been killed in one of the attacks. So she wasn't as useless as she had thought before... Perhaps Shepard had actually given her those tasks that he thought her best suited? She felt even more guilty about yelling at him. He didn't deserve it, even if he was slightly dense... She should have just opened her mouth. Helped him to understand.

Shepard had only cast one look at her direction before his team of five departed, and even that look had almost broken her heart. He just looked so very sorry, as if it was his fault anyway. Tali felt like opening the radio to tell him how sorry she was, but it just didn't feel suitable... As soon as he was back, she'd tell him.

Another sigh, but for another reason this time. Tali liked to tinker with all sorts of devices, but she was so good at it, that she didn't need to concentrate... Which meant her mind started wandering.

The Fleet, not going back. Another reason to feel guilty.

The good thing about hunting this Cerberus was that she really had had no time to worry about these things; there was always something to do that required her concentration. Not now though... All the thoughts about her father, about her friends, about her responsibilities to the Fleet surfaced again... And just wouldn't go away, no matter how much she tried to bury them.

She just felt so frustrated; constantly feeling bad about something, having constant stress about how to deal with her father, her friends... Then there was her relationship with Shepard; it worried her how sick she'd become if they became intimate… She hadn't managed to study any of it at all, just constant work, constant missions... She wanted to study, to be with him... And not being able to was so very frustrating.

So she had taken it out on him.

Everything just went to hell.

At least she could repair this generator, and help these soldiers...

"Tali!" a flanging voice hollered, Garrus', the sand gritting beneath his boots as he walked towards her.

"Hello," Tali greeted him, still sitting before the open generator, head tilted to see inside, tinkering. The gritting continued, became even louder as he approached her. His shadow cast over the generator, making it almost impossible to see anything. "Could you please move. I can't really see."

Without replying, the turian rounded to the other side of her. "Need help?"

"No, not really," Tali muttered, preparing to replicate few parts with her omni-tool. "You already did your duties?" she asked, not moving her gaze from the quietly whirling tool.

"Checked the perimeter. Set up plans for tactical withdrawal on all sectors, set up reserves... You know, tactical stuff."

"You seem to be rather good at it," Tali admitted, taking the replicated parts and setting them inside the generator. "I remember you talking about the Normandy's stealth systems in combat."

"Yeah, well... Keep your eyes open, and sometimes you see something."

Tali remembered something else also, bringing a slight grin on her face. "Like you saw how my people _let_ the geth break free?"

Garrus' shadow seemed to move uncomfortably, clumsily. "That was... a misstatement. I'm sorry."

She had thought about teasing him for a bit, but after his apology... the desire to do so just seemed to fade away. As did the small smirk, a smile replacing it. "It's all right." Another circuit board clicked into place, and she began working on connecting it to others. "You do know that it is not true?" she asked, not really sure if he did.

His shadow began pacing, his hands behind his back. "I didn't know at the time, but... You gotta admit that your people weren't blameless either. You did create the geth."

"Yes," Tali replied, her tone mirroring the grim turn the conversation had took. "And have paid for it."

"The suit, yeah," Garrus replied, his shadow nodding. Then suddenly he stopped. "That was strange..." he muttered.

"What was?"

"We agreed on something."

"Strange things can happen," Tali replied, smiling wanly.

"Yeah," Garrus replied, his shadow now crossing his arms. "Maybe one day you won't even shout?"

"I...W-what?" she stuttered, not really understanding what he meant... Then it came to her. "So you heard," she muttered, her eyes and mouth squeezing shut in horrifying embarrassment, her face burning, and her hands falling to her lap.

"It's pretty hard not to," Garrus chuckled smugly. "We're not exactly in a void in here. Sound waves do travel..."

"Shut up," Tali snapped, trying desperately to concentrate and resume her work. She wasn't talking to him about this, at least not like this... This wasn't funny, it wasn't nice to eavesdrop on someone, not when talking about something private. She felt the blush leaving her face, and a feeling of insult surfacing. So inconsiderate... It hurt. "Garrus," she began, now quietly managing to start working again. "I don't know how it is in turian culture, but at least for quarians, it's very offensive to eavesdrop on someone. It's very insulting, humiliating. It's not fun."

She saw his shadow's head lowering. "Y-you're right, I'm sorry. I-I wasn't thinking."

"Thank you," Tali replied quietly with a smile.

But after a moment, his head popped back up. "So... apparently you did ask him. Y'know, the last time when we talked on Noveria..." he clarified, after seeing a puzzled tilt of Tali's head.

"Right. Your... tip," Tali began, thinking a word suitable for his 'revelation'. "Why didn't you just say what he had said?" she continued upbraidingly, eyebrow raised.

"I thought it was pretty clear," Garrus replied, shrugging.

"Right," Tali muttered, setting another piece at its place. "Well, I didn't think so." As Garrus didn't reply, probably not understanding, Tali got up and turned to him to clarify. "I thought about it a lot. It really haunted me. I thought you meant that he didn't see me that way, or that he did... Finally I just had to ask him. So I did."

"So it did work out..." Garrus stated, to which Tali was uncertain. Had it worked out? Wasn't she even more troubled than before? And apparently her uncertainty spread to him, since he turned his statement into a question. "...right?"

Tali couldn't keep eye-contact, her gaze turning into the skies, seeing the system's sun... Work out? It had, and yet it had not. Every good thing brought with it a lot of bad, unpleasant ones. Choices. One of them particularly painful, the one concerning the Fleet. How distant it seemed to be now, like the sun she was staring at, and she began thinking of what she actually remembered of the Fleet... All the work, the trading area, all the rooms, all the dwellers of Rayya... To her joy, she remembered all those things. Her father, her friends... Remembering them was the reason why was so hard, painful... She didn't want to leave the Fleet, leave her home.

But she wanted to leave Shepard even less. She wasn't sure how long she had felt this strongly about this, about him. It just was unthinkable to depart. She just couldn't do it, even if she knew she should.

But that didn't mean she felt good. She didn't. She felt horrible; about herself, about her friends having to do without her, her father having to be without her. Abandoning them all. Selfishness was not a quarian ideal, very opposite of such. So... she didn't know if it had worked out. "Yes, and no."

"What do you mean?"

Tali didn't know how to say it in a way he'd understand. He wasn't a quarian; he couldn't know about the required selflessness of them, about how the Fleet needed everyone's self-sacrifice. About how everyone worked as one... "I don't know if you can understand," she said quietly.

"Can't know if you don't tell," Garrus replied lightly, shrugging again.

He was right about that, and even if he couldn't understand, Garrus seemed to at least want to. Which was more than most did. "I... I know what I should do. I know the right thing to do... I know I shouldn't leave my people..." Tali's head began to lower, as she pondered her next words. She hadn't told anyone but Shepard... She sighed quietly, before pouring her heart out. "But I just can't leave Shepard... I don't want to live without him. I can't..."

"Really?" Garrus asked, his whole posture straightening with surprise. "I know you said you liked him but that seems... more. A lot more."

"I know," Tali replied quietly, even though she really didn't know. She had no idea what all that meant.

"But I don't really see the problem..."

"I know that too," Tali replied, her eyes forgetting the sun, turning to Garrus again. Her voice was stronger now, as she thought of ways to explain... "It's hard to explain... You can't really know what it is like aboard the Fleet... " Her mind walked on the many corridors of Rayya as she spoke, seeing all the suits clearly, all her family. "We are very insular. Each quarian is a part every quarian's family. It needs to be like that. Individual desires are meaningless, all that matters is the Fleet and the continued survival of the quarian people. That is the only thing that is important." she paused, again pondering her words. They were so true. "And that is why I should go back."

Garrus seemed to be still for a moment, like thinking about her words. Then, to her surprise, he chuckled. "You don't know turians if you think I don't understand... We know something about duty as well..."

The turian duty. Now that he mentioned it, she recalled hearing of it during her Pilgrimage lessons: '_Turian mindset is very similar to quarian_,' the voice of her teacher sounded inside her head... Every turian was first a public servant, ready to give his life for the Hierarchy... That sounded very familiar. Strange how you forget things you don't think are important, and strange how exactly those things are important. "The turian duty."

"Exactly, that's the one... Yeah, I know something about that," Garrus responded, his voice slightly quieter and... strained. It was like he didn't really like the concept. But before Tali could ask him of it, he continued. "Have you asked your family's opinion?"

"I haven't even told my father," Tali said quietly, and before Garrus could ask about her mother: "My mother passed away a few years back... Some air filters broke, and a virus swept through the Rayya."

"Sorry to hear that."

"So was I," Tali replied quietly, remembering her mother clearly. "Things like that are not uncommon aboard the Fleet... It didn't help knowing that, but they happen..." Tali cleared her throat, returning back to the subject at hand. "And my father... he wouldn't understand. He's a scientist, he wouldn't believe in the Reaper threat, not without evidence..." Again the thoughts of her father filled her mind. His disapproving glance, upbraiding gestures... Nothing she ever did seemed to be good enough to please him... And this wouldn't help.

"Ah," Garrus said, again chuckling. "A disapproving father. I know something about that as well."

"Having similar problems?" Tali asked, finding his lightness of mood contagious.

"Yeah, my father is a real C-Sec officer... _Do things right, or don't do them at all_... He's not happy I'm here," Garrus began, then chuckling again, this time dryly, resentfully. "He said he's worried that I'm too reckless, that I'm gonna end up like Saren... And when I told him I'm gonna reapply for Spectre training, he actually threatened to disown me."

"Really?" Tali asked, her brow rising in surprise. But one word caught her attention "Wait... reapply?"

"Yeah. I was targeted as a Spectre candidate with a few hundred other turian military recruits back in the day... It was my father who talked me out of it."

Tali could relate; she could see her father doing something similar to her. Talk her out of something, disown her... It seemed that some things could be very much the same, even across species, across millions of light years. It was strange how similar everyone actually was; her and Liara, her and Kaidan, and now her and Garrus. Everyone seemed to have something in common with everyone else. Strange, considering how she and Garrus hadn't first even got along... _He's not my friend_, she had said. It was starting to be the opposite. "You're a good person, Garrus. It's his loss."

"Thanks," Garrus said quietly, as if not really agreeing. "Could say the same to your father."

Tali smiled at him, turning back to the generator, starting to work at it again. She should really finish her job, not just sit there bantering... But Garrus didn't seem to let her. "You know, Tali... You might wanna talk to Wrex. About that leaving the Fleet thing."

Tali raised an eyebrow at him, smirking. "_You're_ asking me to talk with Wrex? Are you two best friends again?"

"Well, he hasn't threatened me in a while... Just keeps pointing out that Saren is a turian, and asking how hard it is for me to believe..."

"How courteous of him," Tali remarked sarcastically.

"He's a real charmer," Garrus joked, his demeanor light again. But it didn't last. "Really, seriously. I heard him talking with Shepard about leaving Tuchanka or something..."

"Eavesdropping again?" Tali asked, grinning mischievously.

"I guess I can't help myself."

…


	17. Two Gifts

**This is sick long... I know. But I couldn't figure out a way to split this... This chapter is big, in more ways than one.**

**I bet everyone can guess what this is about... **

* * *

Tali felt disappointed at herself. She knew what she had promised to herself: to tell Shepard she was sorry, but just hadn't done that. She wanted to blame the intense timetable, but couldn't. Shepard would always have time for her, that she knew. She didn't know why she hadn't spoken to him... Was she still angry? She wanted to say no, yet it felt like a lie. He hadn't really noticed that it had upset her, because now she realized she had been trying to signal it to him subconsciously. And he hadn't noticed... Did she want to punish him? How petty, how childish. It shamed her.

Yet that was obviously what she wanted, since she did nothing to stop it.

Her focus returned to the world surrounding her; they would soon drop down to a world called Antibaar. Another cold place.

At Noveria, Tali had quickly learned that she wasn't a fan of cold weather; the shivers going through her body forcing her to tremble, her teeth chattering against each other, the feeling of freezing. It was not a nice sensation... Tali was fascinated by snow though; it was water, yet wasn't. It was pleasant to hold in one's hand, watching it melt, seeing it stream down... But here was none, so this was just another cold, boring place.

But the dwellers were interesting. Very interesting.

After the last mission, after cleaning out the rachni, the Alliance had contacted Shepard... In need of help, of course. Apparently the geth had set up outposts at a star cluster called Armstrong... Supply dumps, forward bases... It was easy to see what they were up to; they were going to attack. And Shepard's team was supposed to thwart that attempt. Tali was glad to do so, it would save lives, it would be important. And blowing up geth appealed to her as well. Righteous vengeance.

But she just wanted to get to it; Tali had learned to hate the drops, hate the horrible sensation in the bottom of her stomach as the Mako fell from the skies. Also the fact that Wrex had to be inside the vehicle during the drop didn't help; Mako was designed for six, and the team had technically eight human sized members, with Wrex being twice the size of a human. So, crammed.

Actually the Mako wouldn't even be crammed without her, Garrus and Kaidan; it would be downright impossible to fit all in. Without the three of them, there would be no extra seats, no extra room for passengers. It hadn't been easy though, since the Mako simply had no room... So, subsequently, two smallest members of the team, Tali and Liara, had to sit on the floor, belted to it. Very comfortable...

Tali felt her eyes close in annoyance; her 'seat' had a pipe going across the wall she leaned at, constantly pressing against her back, making her flinch in pain at the every shook of the vehicle.

Eyes closed... A week of no sleep. She was tired.

So the darkness swallowed her whole.

…

A rumble, followed by a large shake. The pain receptors in her brain told Tali that something was pressing against her back, waking her up. The damn pipe, again. Why couldn't she just sleep! She closed her eyes, bit her lip, tried to calm down. Her temper was really getting to her lately, much to her irritation. Tali most certainly didn't have the longest of fuses, but she usually managed to keep herself under control. But the lack of sleep was just too much to tolerate, and even the smallest thing could make her explode. For example; yesterday she had punched the drive core's maintenance terminal, because the little bastard wouldn't do what she wanted.

Sometimes it felt like that everyone was out to get her...

She got like this when sick too, her mind too tired to control herself... She should really work on self-control, not act like a savage. That's what everyone expected her to be; a liar, a thief, a beggar, and an all-round scum to kick around. Tali just wanted to... strangle everyone.

With a sigh, she wondered that what part of _'She should really work on self-control' _she didn't understand...

At least she could blow up some geth; that would definitely make her feel better.

And at least she wasn't alone in her discomfort. "This is most uncomfortable," Liara moaned, sitting opposite to Tali.

"You said it," Tali muttered, trying to suppress her bile.

"A plate of sorts constantly presses against my leg. Every shake is quite painful."

"I know how you feel," Tali replied, another shake following, her back again hurting.

Her eyes closed down in anger, and she began thinking of pleasant things. The geth. The geth on fire. Pieces of geth on fire. Her shooting at those pieces.

Strangely, that didn't calm her down.

…

More of the same luck. The geth were disrupting the Normandy's sensors, so the drop was slightly off. It would take about half an hour to get to the geth outpost. Plenty of time to build up her bile.

Again, the vehicle shook, making her flinch. "Stupid little bosh'tet of a bastard..." she cursed, barely audibly.

Or so she thought. Liara's head turned to her, her eyes inquiringly wide, and Tali felt a fine amount of embarrassment coursing through her. "Sorry," she muttered quietly.

"I would think quarians are used to small spaces," Liara replied thoughtfully. "The Flotilla is quite a small place for 17 million people."

"We are not used to pain," Tali replied, venting her anger through sarcasm. It worked. At times.

"That is not what I..." Liara began, stuttering slightly. Somehow, Tali found the reaction quite familiar; it was like looking to a mirror, yet it wasn't. Strange. "I-I didn't mean to offen you."

"It was a joke, Liara," Tali said, finding it slightly hard to believe she hadn't understood that.

"Oh," Liara gasped quietly, the fluster changing into embarrassment. "O-of course it is," she muttered.

Sometimes Tali thought that she couldn't go through one conversation without embarrassing herself at least once. It was strange being at the other side of it, being the causative person, but unlike some others, (she glared at Garrus) she would let Liara be.

And sunk back into her thoughts. Mostly concerning the pain in her back.

But at times something other surfaced. The Fleet, Shepard, her heavy eyelids... Stress. Stress seemed to be the only constant in her life. She actually couldn't remember a time when she hadn't been stressed, when she had felt light, free. First during her childhood, her father demanding such accomplishments of her... Then the Pilgrimage, doing something that could be judged good enough for an Admiral's daughter... And lastly Shepard, how sick she would become. She had managed to a little of that, but it didn't actually quell her stress... She had learned that most of the time the infection was minor, and that taking certain precautions lowered that chance even more. Most of the time. Maybe she wasn't most?

Of course, she could just tell Shepard that she couldn't do it, that she was too afraid, but she didn't want to do that... It wasn't just about him, but about her also... it wasn't like she didn't want that too...

Which was why it was hard; more she knew of the subject, the harder it was to stay away from him. Stressing.

And the guilt she felt about the Fleet didn't help. Talking to Garrus may have done something, but something just wasn't enough. She just had to deal with it, just talking wasn't going to do it.

But Garrus had given her a pretty good tip again, and maybe she should listen to him? It wasn't like it could hurt.

She glanced at Wrex, sitting at her front-right. His arms were crossed, and he was very still. He seemed to be asleep. Couldn't hurt? Right.

Maybe later... Probably better too. She hated those radio conversations. Better to do it face-to-face.

She began chuckling quietly, tiredly... Face-to-face.

Figuratively.

…

"The stronghold is right ahead," Shepard's voice rang over the radio. "Two drive the Mako, the rest split up in two teams." His voice sounded strained, the fatigue was probably getting to him too... Tali pitied him; it couldn't be easy to be responsible for the entire galaxy, as Doctor Chakwas had put it... And then she felt self-contempt; she wasn't making his job any easier. "I'll stay in the Mako, try to coordinate the whole thing."

Two stay in the Mako? That sounded promising... Maybe she could talk with Shepard while there; Shepard wouldn't put her in harm's way, and she was the best tech, best to operate the Mako and do field repairs quickly.

"Two teams; one has two, the other has three. Wrex is on the smaller team," Commander continued, and the krogan nodded his head. It made sense, he was very durable. And a biotic "Ashley, Garrus and Liara in the other."

And Kaidan would go with Wrex, him being a lieutenant, a tech, and a biotic. And she would stay with Shepard. Sounded good.

"Tali goes with Wrex. Kaidan stays with me."

And suddenly her dreams were crushed... She had a chance to fix things, yet now it just seemed slip away from her, disappear. And there was only one person she could blame; herself. She had told Shepard how she wanted to see more action, yelled at him... Now she wished to have never done such a stupid thing.

Or was he just angry at her? For her shouting at him, being childish? She had really annoyed him, and had actually made him explode as well... It was the first time she saw that... Maybe he didn't want to talk to her?

And it was all her fault. She was stupid. She felt stupid.

But worrying about it didn't help, for she had a chance now to talk with Wrex. She wasn't exactly looking forward to it... '_Quarian.'_

…

They had dismounted after a few questions from the members of the team who actually understood strategy... Tali wasn't exactly among them, even if she did know some things... She was Rael'Zorah's daughter after all, and her father hadn't let her on her Pilgrimage without the best of combat training, strategy included. She knew how tactics worked in theory, but also knew that she couldn't implement them. She always seemed to panic, feeling overwhelmed when doing simulators. She didn't like making quick decisions, and didn't like to have responsibility over other people's lives. She just wasn't a leader.

But some understood, like Garrus. Maybe he was a leader? It wasn't unthinkable.

A shiver woke her from her stupor of thought. The planet was very cold and windy; a dust of sorts constantly flew around, making it very hard to see. It was quite snow-like, but it just wasn't a good enough substitute. Still, it did make the planet a bit less boring...

"Great place. Maybe I should move here," Wrex grunted, walking next to her.

"Exactly my thoughts," Tali muttered. They had to almost completely circle around the camp, to attack them from the rear. The walk just wasn't that pleasant in this weather, and already she felt the cold stiffening her limbs. She turned up her suit's warming system to compensate.

"So," Wrex began with his grumbling voice. "Looking forward to blowing up some geth?"

"Always," Tali replied, grinning slightly at her clever response. "The geth deserve nothing less."

"Hmmh," Wrex mumbled lowly. "I'm just glad we get to kill something that doesn't spit acid or have claws for a change."

"That too," Tali admitted. She hadn't particularly enjoyed those meetings with the rachni either, and she hadn't even been wounded. "How's your shoulder?" she asked, Wrex's wounds in mind.

"It is."

"It is okay?"

"Yes."

Wrex didn't seem to like talking about his wounds, maybe they made him feel weak or helpless? Krogan _did_ value strength over everything else... So she didn't pursue it; it wasn't smart to anger someone who you are about to ask advice of. "Wrex? Can I ask you a question?"

"You can. Not sure if I'll answer."

"Great," Tali muttered. At least he hadn't already brushed her off. A good start?

And how should she start...? Tali was sure Wrex wouldn't appreciate Garrus having overheard his talk with Shepard. Krogan liked their privacy, their territory... It was probably like a declaration of war to eavesdrop on them. Tali recalled Garrus' words, recalled how he had said something about Wrex having left Tuchanka... Maybe start from there? "I'd like to ask you about Tuchanka."

"Why?" Wrex growled. "It's a piece of junk filled with short-sighted idiots."

"Short-sighted?" Tali asked, the strange adjective catching her attention.

Wrex growled quietly in frustration before answering. "Yes. No krogan cares about anything but himself," he grumbled, his voice having picked up a bitter tone. "The Genophage may have infected us, but we are killing ourselves."

"But you care?"

"Doesn't matter whether I do or don't."

"But if you care..." Tali began, careful in choosing her words. She most certainly didn't want to anger the large lizard by pointing out a flaw in his logic. "...then why do you work as a mercenary, killing your own kind, when you could be doing the opposite, help your people?"

"What the hell am I supposed to do by myself?" Wrex growled a question, clearly more annoyed, yet still not angry. Tali was slightly surprised; she had thought that all krogan were very hostile, angry, that they had a very short temper... Her remark had been sort of insulting, belittling one's intelligence... For which she felt a sting of self-contempt passing through her; she had manipulated him, tried to provoke a reaction... Even though she had done it to get him to answer.

"Well, you can't really know if you don't even try," Tali responded, again very alert; he could interpret her words as an insult, that she called him a coward or stupid. With anyone else, she wouldn't be so wary, but with Wrex... Somewhat prejudicial of her. Yet it's not prejudice if it's the truth; better be safe than sorry.

"I have tried," Wrex replied in a voice that made it clear that the conversation was over.

Tali had been so concentrated on analyzing his responses and reactions, that the content almost slipped right past her. He had tried? Was that the reason he'd left his homeworld...? If Tuchanka was his homeworld, that is. But what did 'try' mean? Had he tried to help his people? And judging by his bitterness, someone must have not liked that... Tali wanted to ask more, to know more...

But her self-preservation overrode her curiosity, and she remained quiet. She most likely had already tested Wrex's patience to its surprisingly long limit.

So they resumed their marching in silence.

…

They had walked for about half an hour, when they finally arrived to their direction of attack. Or so they had estimated; the geth were still jamming their equipment. The geth probably didn't know that _they_ were here exactly, but rather were just making sure that no one could pinpoint them easily from space. Still, it left their navigational equipment useless.

Radios worked though, probably due to the lack of more advanced platforms... The colossus, the armature, and the prime models had all very advanced jamming capabilities... Even though the radios they had were advertised to be unjammable, Tali was sure that any of those platforms could definitely disrupt them.

But sure, having better radios was better than having poorer, especially since she wasn't paying; the Council and the Alliance were quite generous with their monetary policy when concerning Spectres. Strange, the Council doing something correctly. Usually they seemed to be just another hindrance, not a helpful resource they should be.

Though Tali's resentment towards the Council wasn't simply due to them acting stupidly, but also because of the history between her people and them... The Council had left quarians to die. Simply because quarians had broken a few laws... True, following laws was important, but was the genocide of their entire species the right punishment for their arrogance and disregarding?

Again she did this, poured all the worries of the world on her, made herself miserable. She sighed, trying to empty her mind.

Up ahead was a small hill, and behind it, if their estimations were correct, was the geth camp. They started uphill in-crouch, and as they were nearing the top, they went prone and crawled. The surface was very cold, even through her suit she could feel it chilling her chest, her abdomen, her thighs. The metallic surface was by no means flat or smooth, and constantly the rough terrain scraped against her body. Good thing that the suit was very durable...

They reached the top, both laying prone there. The constantly raging storm didn't make it easy for them to spot the synthetics, but they did manage to catch their hazy silhouettes even through the flying dust. Tali could pick up about ten platforms, but was sure that wasn't all. "How many can you see?" she asked Wrex, for they had split up the area of observation in two.

"Seven. Can't say for sure though. The storm makes it hard."

Tali nodded to him, then fired up her radio. "Shepard, this is Tali. Do you hear?"

"How many?" Shepard's voice asked. Tali was glad to hear his voice, but his tone was rather off-putting; It felt official. The feeling of shame again surfaced, for it was her fault. She did know what it was like being shouted at because of mistakes... Her father's favorite upbringing method. And like most of hers had been, his mistake was pretty petty and unintentional... She could have just said that it bothered her... But no.

She tried to swallow these distractions, and focus on the mission. "Seventeen. The storm makes it pretty hard to confirm that number."

"Roger. Let's keep radio traffic to a minimum. Even if the enemy cannot decipher or disrupt the traffic, they could still spot it and realize something is going on. Wait for my signal. Shepard out."

She closed the radio, and began going through the plan of attack in her head. First the Normandy would make a strafing run, trying to destroy the geth's electronic warfare capabilities and cause as much damage and disorder as possible. Two infantry teams would then take out the geth's anti-vehicle units, and the Mako would clean up the rest. Easy enough. In theory.

In theory...

…

"See any heavy weapons, Tali?" Wrex queried, both still lying at the exact same spot. Now Tali really felt like freezing; her limbs felt stiff, her teeth chattered, her whole body trembled. Even the suit couldn't keep her warm anymore.

"Sorry... Not really," she responded, timing her words between the chattering. She didn't know how she was supposed to charge forward, when all her four limbs felt like rigid trees... This mission sure was something...

Her fatigue also enhanced the feeling; her body was so very tired, couldn't keep itself warm. Sleep, comfort and nourishment; the three things a being needed to survive. Right now she was lacking two out of three. Pretty good.

She yawned, another shiver traveling through her body. The shivers hadn't been the normal kind for a while now, they were quite powerful, actually shaking her.

"Cold?" Wrex asked her, apparently seeing that.

"Y-yes, qu-quite," Tali admitted, not bothering to hide the clattering anymore, her arms slipping underneath her, her hands beginning to rub them. "A-are you?"

Wrex snorted. "Takes more than a little wind and frost to do that."

"Right," Tali muttered. "Little wind and frost..." Her hands still rubbed her arms, then her thighs, then crossed over her chest, trying to stay warm. It didn't actually work, but even the cold at the forefront in her mind, she did notice something. "Y-you called me Tali."

"You'd prefer 'quarian'?"

"No," she replied, smiling wanly. "It's just... n-nice that you remembered m-me asking you to do so."

"More like demanding."

"A-and you often do what qu-quarians _demand_ you to do?" Tali asked slyly.

"No. Not many demand. And survive."

But she had survived, so maybe he liked her? She grinned at the thought. Or maybe he joked? Wrex liked to keep up that menacing aura of his, even if he wasn't exactly violent or bullying... Perhaps it let him keep his privacy? He was quite lucid for a krogan... Or was he? Maybe he was just normal? Like he had said, it's easier to justify the Genophage when all krogan are mindless beasts... But Tali would need to know more krogan to know for sure, something she wasn't in a hurry to do...

After the short pause, Tali tried to satisfy her curiosity again, to knowthis krogan at least. "What did you mean when you s-said you've tried?"

"It doesn't matter anymore. It didn't work."

"But I'd still li-like to know."

Wrex turned his head at her, staring her for a moment contemplatively. Or so Tali though; him wearing a helmet and being of different species made it pretty hard to understand his body language. After that moment his head turned back towards the geth camp, obviously him having made his mind. "Ask."

His reply still surprised her slightly; she'd thought that he'd be more reluctant... "W-what happened on Tuchanka?"

Wrex growled again before answering. It was tired, bitter, angry, but Tali sensed it wasn't because of her question. Rather because of the memories he had. "I was betrayed."

It confirmed her suspicions, and her curiosity grew. "What happened?"

"After the war with the Council, the krogan were devastated. Not only literally, but figuratively as well. We didn't know what to do... Or at least some of us didn't. I told others that we should focus on breeding, to fight the Genophage... Some saw it that way, others didn't."

"T-that led to trouble?"

"It did. My clan's Warlord Jarod was one who didn't see it that way. He just wanted us to fight. It didn't matter who... At a certain point, the clan was divided; one half stood with me, the other with him. So he arranged a Crush at Hollows."

"Crush? H-Hollows?"

Wrex growled in annoyance, like it was irritating to explain those things to aliens. "Crush is meeting on a neutral ground, and Hollows is a krogan burial ground. As sacred as a krogan place can be."

"It sounds a little t-too perfect," Tali pondered.

"It did to me as well... But when your father invites you to a Crush...Well... Even some of our laws are sacred."

Tali blinked. "He was your f-father?"

"Yes," Wrex replied, then returning to his tale. "We talked, but wouldn't get anywhere. As soon as he realized that, he gave a signal and his men ambushed us, killing my men very quickly. I barely escaped..." His voice had turned very dark, bitter. "...But before I did, I struck my dagger deep into Jarod's chest." After speaking, he turned back to Tali again, who just stared back, eyes wide. "Anything else?" his tone made it clear that he thought Tali had heard enough, that hearing him kill his own father was more than enough information for her to handle.

It was. That was a piece of knowledge she could have lived without knowing. Yet she had asked. And questions have answers, sometimes not pleasant ones. After a moment, Wrex turned back to watch over the camp again, obviously thinking that her curiosity had been sated. "You... You k-killed your father?" Tali asked, or stated, suddenly.

"I did not. I killed Jarod. He wasn't my father that day."

Then, before Tali could open her mouth to speak, a loud rumbling came from above them, a radio message shortly following. "Operation begins."

Tali drew her shotgun and loaded it.

…

The Normandy swept through air, sending ripples around it, its lights illuminating the dust in the air. Soon after, it began firing. A series of explosions followed in the geth camp, sentry towers falling, the geth running around, blowing to pieces.

The scene of destruction only lasted for a couple of seconds, but it truly was something incredible. Tali had never before seen the Normandy in action.

Wrex's attention was on something else completely though. "You see anything we can take cover behind down there?"

"There's a wall. Just follow me after we go."

Wrex nodded rigidly.

The Normandy disappeared for a moment, the sounds of its engines fading away. And then sounding off again, from a different direction. Another series of explosions left Tali wondering if there was anything left for them... Her thoughts were cut short by a radio message. "Tali, Wrex. Commence the attack."

"Finally," Wrex growled, starting to rise up. He drew his assault rifle and loaded it, then turned to Tali standing next to him. "No sense standing around. Lead the way."

Lead... Not something she was comfortable with... But she still nodded, and started running forward.

They ran downhill quite slowly to avoid tripping. The geth hadn't yet spotted them, so perhaps they were still taking cover?

Tali's question was answered shortly though, when she heard her shields buzz. After some fighting experience, one could almost tell the enemy's weaponry just by listening to the sounds the shields made; projectile weapons rang, energy weapons sizzled and geth weapons buzzed.

The firing made her pick up the pace. The wall stood ahead of her, but she still couldn't make out any of the geth shooters. She only saw a few hazy muzzle flashes. But the lower she got, the dust seemed to dissipate, making it easier to see. The hills surrounding the facility probably blocked out most of the dust, something Tali was glad for. And now she began seeing the hazy shapes of their assailants.

Just before reaching to the wall, she turned her weapon towards one of them and fired. She crashed to the wall, and couldn't confirm the kill. Wrex ran into the wall right after her, shaking it.

"There's an automated rocket tower right next to this wall!" Wrex shouted over the fire. "Watch out for it!"

Tali nodded to him, then peeked around the corner to see such. She couldn't, but her shields buzzed again. This time she saw the enemy; a white geth about 20 meters from her, completely visible, not even trying to take cover. That was the last mistake it would make...

Tali returned fire, and saw the synthetic's shields flash at the impact. She fired again, and then a third time. The geth fell down, and a loud beeping sound filled her ears. The shotgun had overheated... And someone was taking aim at her.

Then she remembered the tower.

Oh no.

Suddenly she felt a strong pull at her neck, making her feel weightless. The force pulled her backwards, making her fall to the ground, then roll back to her feet, and finally land on her bottom. Right after, the spot she had stood on a split second ago exploded.

"Told you to watch out!" a grumbling voice shouted at her.

Tali shook her head, trying to shake the feeling of the near-death experience, realizing that the pulling force had been Wrex. She made a mental note to thank him later, then went back to her post, the same that almost got her killed a second ago.

She carefully poked her head out, trying to spot the tower. This time she did, and the tower again turned at her. Tali's head quickly disappeared behind the wall, and felt it shake violently as the rocket hit it.

"I can't hit it from this direction!" Tali shouted to the krogan.

"I can't see it from this direction!" Wrex shouted back, firing around the corner.

"Oh hell..." Tali muttered; this mission was not going that well. She took a quick glance around; trying to see if there was something they could advance towards, to take cover behind...Maybe flank that tower... The only thing she saw was another geth.

This one tried to encircle them.

As soon as it noticed Tali having seen it, it opened fire. The long burst was absorbed by her shields, and Tali quickly dove down, her nose hitting her mask's glass. Water in her eyes, she used her omni-tool to disable the geth's shields, and with other hand draw her pistol simultaneously. She took aim, giving the targeting computers a moment to calculate what they needed, and fired. Once was enough, for the geth dropped. It was a rather good shot, apparently having hit something very important... Tali knew to aim at the torso, where most of the geth's vital parts were located.

Still, a pretty good shot. A lucky shot.

But she didn't have time to pat herself on the back... She got up quickly, now noticing how much her nose was aching. She tried to ignore it, glancing around again. No more geth, but no exit plan either. She leaned against the wall, muttering curses again.

Then something came to her. The wall. Not around it, over it!

She poked at Wrex. "What?" the krogan snapped.

"Lift me over this wall!" she suggested to him, switching onto her shotgun's rocket launcher... Humans called it Carnage, for some reason.

Wrex just stared at her. "Do it!" Tali ordered him. "I'll destroy the tower!"

The krogan just shook his head slightly, and blue energy began emanating from him. He lifted his hand slowly upwards, and Tali began rising as well.

It was unnerving, to say the least... She might have taken a biotic attack or two before, being tossed around, but this just felt so different. Like she was flying... She quickly rose, and her head was already on level with the wall. She leveled her shotgun, waiting for the tower to show itself. As she rose up higher, she saw it, still turned at her former location.

Tali grinned as she pulled the trigger.

…

Tali's mind began to reach out for her body again, meeting pain. A quiet growl escaped between her slightly open lips as consciousness returned to it, and her eyes slowly opened, seeing not only double, but triple. She felt like she was hit by a car. A very large car, something of the Mako's caliber. Her back and shoulders hurt terribly, her mind yet not really understanding where she was... Tali tried to take a deep breath, but her body only coughed. The coughing was intense, and she couldn't breath, she had probably managed to get her wind knocked out from her... The coughing ended after a moment that felt like eternity, and Tali, with water in her eyes again, managed to turn over to her knees. Antibaar... the mission, all came back to her in a flash. She weakly reached out for her shotgun, and using it as support, slowly got back onto her feet. Coughing still once or twice, she noticed that she still saw double.

"You still in one piece?" a low, growling voice asked. She slowly turned to the voice, seeing Wrex switching his gaze between her and something around the corner. He fired behind it blindly.

"I think so," Tali replied weakly, coughing again. She wobbled back to her post at the wall, supporting herself against it. "I...What happened?"

"You fired your shotgun and flew backwards from recoil," Wrex grunted, still peering at the enemy. "You landed like a dead varren square on the ground. Pretty high fall. You're tougher than you look, quarian."

"Yes well..." Tali muttered, her balance still off, her head throbbing with pain. "Not tough enough to try that again though... Please tell me if I'm about to do something as stupid ever again."

Wrex chuckled lowly. "Agreed."

Tali shook her head, trying to ignore the pain in her head and back. Her right shoulder blade felt especially weird, like it had taken a particularly hard hit. Her hands shook as she tried move them, and could barely hold on to her shotgun. But clenching her teeth, Tali ignored those. The mission was important.

She glanced around the corner, and to her elation, saw the tower destroyed. But the bad news was that the remains of it were about the only cover there was. And they still had to advance.

"Cover me," she ordered Wrex, and began running towards the ruins. She shot one other geth on the way, and saw one being pushed against a crate by a biotic field. She dropped to her knees and slid behind the ruin, catching her breath and looking around quickly. She saw no enemies, but as she sat behind it, heard gunfire and explosions from up ahead. She tried to pinpoint their sources, and managed to do so; three figures, and the Mako. The geth were almost crushed. She fired up her radio: "Wrex, let's go, the others have punched through!"

"Already?" he replied, with some disappointment, growling afterwards.

Tali looked around again to see if there was any other geth, but couldn't spot any. She carefully rose up, her eyes still peering, and after a moment, Wrex appeared next to her. He nodded towards the rest of the team, and both started towards it.

As they walked, they saw Garrus shooting a geth on the ground with his pistol. He turned at them, pistol still drawn.

But as he noticed that he knew the newcomers, he bend his arm upwards, the muzzle pointed at the sky. "Tali, Wrex," he greeted them, nodding to both, holstering the same pistol.

"How did it go?" Tali asked.

Garrus shrugged. "Okay, I guess. Mako's still in one piece."

"Did you have any trouble?"

"Not really. The geth didn't put up that much resistance. Don't really know why..."

"Maybe the Normandy destroyed something important?"

"Possible."

The trio continued towards the rest of the squad then, who were gathered around a large geth terminal. It was turned on now though... "Did the geth try to call in reinforcements?" Tali asked, wondering why the terminal was on.

"Not that I know of," Garrus answered. "We didn't pick up any signals."

She kept peering at the terminal... Then why would it be turned on? Were the geth trying to destroy it, to prevent it from falling to the wrong hands? Did it contain something important? If yes, then what?

The terminal really peaked her curiosity; what was important for the geth was important for quarians... What did it contain?

Then, Shepard showed up. His eyes went through all the members of his team, checking if they were hurt. His eyes did stay on Tali a bit longer though. "Everyone okay?"

"Yes, sir." Ashley replied. "All present and accounted for."

Shepard simply nodded. "Then let's start going through this place. In pairs. I don't want to take any risks. The enemy might still be waiting in ambush."

His order was acknowledged by nods from everywhere, and the team began to disperse. Tali looked at Wrex to see if he had any idea on where they should go first, but then Shepard spoke to her. "Tali, you're handling that terminal. I'll stay near with Wrex to guard you. If the geth are still alive, this is the place they'll wanna take back."

Tali nodded, and noticed that the movement hurt her head. She grimaced slightly, flinching.

"You're hurt," Shepard said, noticing it.

"I'm fine," Tali insisted. She could still do her job, there was plenty of time to be hurt later.

Shepard simply stared at her, his eyes narrow behind the glass of his helmet. It was clear he didn't believe her. "If you say so. Let me know if you find something."

"Yes. I will."

…

Tali carefully approached the terminal, her omni-tool ready. But before she would even go near it, she would scan it very thoroughly; taking deadly risks didn't quite appeal to her. The geth usually booby-trapped everything they had, maybe thinking that even if they lost something, it would cost to the other as well...

Tali didn't know, or really care.

She circled around it, her tool constantly taking different readings of it... And then, at the opposite side of it, she noticed an anomaly. Investigating that phenomenon more closely revealed that the terminal was equipped with a motion sensor... Maybe it would explode if someone would get close to it? Tali carefully started to follow the anomaly's tracks, trying to see what programs were linked to it... This was all very hard, since she wasn't actually using the terminal, but following the various readings it emitted.

And her head hurt terribly.

Tali closed her eyes, trying to refocus herself. She found some other reading linked to it, this one strangely strong energy spike... It was probably some kind of electronic explosion device... Disarming it would be risky; she knew it wasn't strong enough to harm anyone standing far enough from it, but it could fry the terminal, rendering it useless. And she didn't want to be responsible for that. "Shepard, this is Tali."

"I hear ya."

"The terminal is trapped. Do you want me to disable the trap?"

"Wait. We're coming back."

"Got it. Tali out."

And after a few minutes, Shepard and Wrex arrived. "What's the problem?" Shepard asked.

Tali showed him the readings of her omni-tool. She pointed her finger at the first anomaly. "I noticed this first when scanning it," she explained, simultaneously the screen changing to the one containing the spike. "And it led to this. It's an electronic explosive device or something similar."

Wrex snorted. "If the geth had spent more time on this camp than on some computer, they would still be alive."

"And we would still be fighting for this place," Shepard remarked lightly.

Wrex chuckled a couple of times. "With luck."

"So... Um... What do you want me to do with the device?" Tali interrupted their bantering.

"Can you do it without harm to us?"

"Yes, definitely no harm to us... Not so sure about the terminal though..."

"Can someone else disable it safely? Y'know, with better equipment."

Tali stared at him for a moment, raising her brow, Shepard slightly muddled. "Please, Shepard. I'm a quarian."

None knew more about the geth than quarians, and Tali was one of the best techs in the entire Fleet. Pride again... She shouldn't think herself better than others, for she wasn't perfect by any means... One victim of her faults standing right before her.

"Right. Well... Do it then."

Tali nodded in confirmation. She raised her omni-tool, pointing it at the terminal and fired up the disable program. The tool began whirring slightly louder than usually, and the terminal made a few beeping sounds as well. Then the whirring intensified, the beeping became more frequent. Tali thought her tool would break from strain, when something exploded in the terminal with a small bang, all other lights dying. "Oh, Keelah," Tali gasped, hoping that it wasn't anything important.

"That sounded good," Wrex muttered, echoing Tali's fears.

She began carefully approaching the terminal, step by step. As she got very close, the green screen popped up, and Tali sighed of relief. "The terminal is still working," she informed.

"Good," Shepard answered, having drifted next to her. "Anything?"

"I can't use this..." Tali said almost immediately, the mere glance revealing that. "It lacks the interface... I'd have to program one myself," she muttered, turning to Shepard. "It takes quite a while."

"We'll get it aboard the Normandy then," Shepard said with a nod, raising his hand on his ear. "Joker this is Shepard. You read?"

"Yes, sir. Need a pickup?"

"You know me too well... Position?"

"Five minutes out. Can make it in 3."

"No need. Be here in ten, we'll check this place out... But be ready in case..."

"I know the drill... There in ten. Joker out."

Shepard then turned back to Wrex and Tali. "Tali will stay with the terminal. Wrex and I will continue searching for...anything. Understood?"

His order was acknowledged by two nods, which he returned. "Let's go then-"

He was cut short by a very loud rumbling coming from the sky, all three heads turning upwards. "Joker said it would take more than three minutes to get here," Tali said, a slight panic in her voice. She was pretty sure who that was...

"It's not the Normandy," Wrex said, not sounding panicked, but hopeful...

And as Tali had feared, a geth dropship appeared from midst the dust, its violet lights making the whole camp shine purple. Soon after, a single block dropped from the ship with a loud crash.

"We have company," Ashley's voice sounded in the radio.

"I know," Shepard replied, simply staring at the direction the crash had come from.

Tali heard the geth activating itself from its transportation mode, and saw its silhouette getting on its four feet. It was very large. "It's activating, Shepard," Tali said nervously.

"I know."

"It's a colossus, Commander!" Alenko's yelled suddenly over the radio. "We need a plan of action!"

"I know!" He looked at the colossus for a second, then slammed his hand on his ear. "Everyone to the Mako! Now!"

…

"Oh Keelah..." Tali muttered, maybe for the hundredth time in a minute.

Tali's heart raced, her lungs gasped for air as she, Shepard, and Wrex ran towards the Mako as fast as they could. Tali and Wrex ran the quickest, with Shepard falling quickly behind. Perhaps the broad-shouldered and stocky humans weren't that suited for fast running?

But then Tali saw a flash of blue at her right side, and turned her head to see Garrus running next to her, followed by Ashley.

They were just about to reach the Mako, when Tali saw the Mako flashing with violet energy, and suddenly felt like being struck to the face with a sledgehammer.

…

Tali fell backwards, her consciousness flickering, darkness spreading to her vision... She fell over on her head, hitting it to the hard surface of the planet again, and began rolling on her side. Then crashed into something.

The darkness began to spread again from the corners of her eyes... She tasted blood in her mouth, felt it coming from her nose...

She was just about to lose consciousness, when felt the something she had crashed into move. Then it moved again, this time her hand that had rested on it dropping to the ground. She heard a quiet grunt from somewhere around her.

But then the blackness again started to eat away her vision, and this time she knew it would engulf her... She forgot the mission, faded away... Just rest for a while...

When something shook her violently. "Tali! Get up!"

She forced her eyes open, and saw a blue figure... Or figures. She didn't know if there was one or two... They shook her again, and she remembered that there was only one Garrus... As she began to gain her senses back, she noticed that most of them only gave her pain... Everything in her hurt, her arm most horribly. It burned; it was most likely broken. "W..." she tried to speak, but again could only cough. She couldn't breathe either, just cough.

"Damn it," she heard Garrus curse, then felt two hands in her armpits dragging her. She didn't see double or triple, but rather quadruple. She felt her heels dragging in the ground as Garrus carried her. At one point, Tali began to regain control over her fingers, then her arms. Then she could move her toes, and her legs. She just didn't know if they'd carry her.

Suddenly they stopped, being behind the tower Tali had destroyed a moment ago. Garrus set her resting against it, poking his head around the ruins to see the colossus. "Are you okay?"

"My arm hurts," Tali muttered weakly, having now managed to stop coughing. "I can manage though," she said bravely, using her better arm to stand up straighter. She bent her legs under her, using her good arm to hold on to the ruins for support. But as she stood up, a sharp pain in her torso dropped her back down. The crash to the ground made her scream in pain, almost making her black out again. She felt like vomiting, and barely managed to fight off the urge.

"Damn it!" she heard Garrus curse again, him having dove in to help her. "How bad are you hurt?" he asked, his voice clearly worried.

"My hand and some ribs are probably broken," Tali whispered, the pain suffocating her voice.

Then Tali heard a far too familiar whir; the geth was close. "Oh, no," she gasped, Garrus poking his head behind the corner again.

"We have to move," he said, clearly terrified. "You have to get up."

"I...help," Tali pleaded quietly.

Immediately after, she felt his arm going under hers, gripping onto her belt. He started to lift her back to her feet, and with his strength helping her, she managed to scramble up.

But only the simple movement of standing up had completely drained her. She breathed very heavily, and wouldn't dare to let go of him. Garrus looked at her, but saw that she couldn't stand on her own. "Let's move!"

…

The ground shook, and something exploded behind them as they ran towards a large boulder in front of them. Tali tried her best to keep up, but despite those, it felt like Garrus was dragging her along from her belt. Tali could hear his heavy breathing, his exertion very clear, and every other step he took he grunted in pain. It made Tali feel guilty at being a burden, but she just couldn't run that fast as him... Not with her injuries.

They hid behind the large boulder, Garrus almost tossing her behind it, firing his pistol at the colossus. Tali saw the turian's shields flickering with violet energy; the colossus was still coming, still hunting them. She had managed to somehow stay on her feet, even with him pushing her behind the rock quite hard. She leaned to the rock, still gasping for breath, her good arm having taken a hold of her pistol. She fixed her bad one onto her suit using its magnets; it would support the arm somewhat, and she could still use her omni-tool.

Pistol in her hand, she leaned out the cover from the opposite side to Garrus, spotting the four-legged synthetic firing at him. Tali began firing herself, the monster's shields flickering at the each impact.

But it just kept coming. "We can't stay here!" she heard Garrus shout. "We have to move!" Tali turned to him to see where, and saw him pointing to her left. "Go first, I'll cover you. You cover me there then!"

"Got it," Tali agreed, even though the thought of making another sprint already hurt her ribs.

But she surged from behind the cover, holding onto her ribs as best as she could. Ignoring the searing pain in her torso, she just kept running, the sounds of her shields buzzing propelling her along.

Miraculously she reached the large crate, and immediately rested for a second against it. Her lungs sting at the every breath she took, and the run had badly aggravated the pain in her torso. Her arm was nearly numb from constant pain, and it shook badly if she tried to move it. But she gathered her spirit, and gripped her pistol tighter.

Leaning out, she saw the colossus very near Garrus' location, with him throwing urgent glances at her. Tali began firing at the large geth, trying to catch its attention. As the geth focused its fire on her, she saw Garrus launching himself from behind the cover, towards her. Tali clearly saw him limping, and felt a surge of guilt for him having to drag her on before.

As Tali's shields hit their fifty percent mark, she ducked back down behind the cover, popping up her omni-tool. She started the overload program, then carefully pointed the tool at the geth. There was a large white flash as the electronic burst hit the creature, staggering it. Tali knew it wasn't enough to take out its shields, but it would at least hurt it.

Garrus reached the cover then, falling next to Tali, leaning against the crate. "Use the overload! It's gonna weaken its shields!" Tali ordered him immediately.

"So we can what? Get ourselves killed?" Garrus asked sarcastically, but still pulled up his omni-tool and pointed it at the geth, making it flash with white light again.

"Tali, Garrus. Report!" Tali's radio suddenly demanded, startling Tali; she'd thought that the colossus would surely jam their radios... Live and learn...

Tali was just about to answer, but Garrus beat her to it. "This is Garrus, Commander."

"Are you injured? Any news about Tali?"

"I'm fine," Garrus lied, for Tali saw him limping. "Tali's next to me. The colossus is on us. We need help, Commander."

"Where are you located?"

"Just follow the gunfire..."

"Roger. Will do... Tell Tali I said hello. Out."

With a quiet beep, Garrus turned off his radio. "Shepard said to say hello."

"I heard," Tali replied with a smile.

The short and happy moment was ended abruptly, when something hit the crate they hid behind. Tali saw that her radar was still jammed, so she poked her head over the crate to see the monster; it was very close and firing. It seemed to want to hunt them down... "We have to move quickly Garrus! No time for cover fire!"

"I didn't sign up for this..." he muttered, and both of them jumped back to their feet.

…

Again they were on the run, zigzagging as they did, trying to be as hard of a target as they could... But the robotic precision and celerity made their efforts rather futile; most of the shots hit. Tali's shields were down to 10 percent, when they found cover behind another large crate. Both of them fired another overload attack at the geth, and then fired their projectile weapons. They saw something violet vibrating around the colossus, a telltale of it charging its siege pulse.

"Get down!" Tali yelled, and the two of them dove down, Tali's injured ribs sending waves of torrid pain so intense that she just squealed in pain.

The crate shook violently as the pulse hit it, the ground chiming in with its rumbling, each vibration aggravating the pain she felt. It made her want to cry.

As Garrus got back up, Tali stayed on the ground, whimpering at her agony.

Garrus fired his assault rifle at the geth, then noticed Tali still laying on the ground. He knelt down next to her. "Are you hit?"

"Hit enough," Tali whispered. "It hurts so much."

Garrus put her rifle against the crate, then helped Tali to sit up straighter, lessening the pain. "Shepard's coming. Just hold on... and hope the colossus doesn't come any closer..." he said grimly, picking up his rifle, opening fire at the synthetic again.

Slowly, careful to avoid damaging her ribs even further, Tali scrambled back up again. She wouldn't stay down when others would fight. She had time to be hurt later...

She felt dizzy, almost falling, but still grabbed the pistol from the ground. After firing a few shots at the monster, she tried overloading its shields again.

The geth charged for its siege pulse again; Tali and Garrus again taking cover. This time Tali fell down on her back, the spike of pain being considerably weaker. "I should have listened to my father," Garrus murmured lightly. "This really isn't healthy for me."

Tali chuckled, even though it hurt the bones in her torso. "I could say the same."

They looked at each other for a second, both laughing quietly, then heard something exploding behind the crate. Both poked their heads over it, seeing three rockets hitting the colossus.

Shepard...

A sense of relief swept through her, and she sighed. It had looked quite grim for a moment there... "Garrus, Tali. You okay in there?" Tali's radio asked with Shepard's voice.

"More or less. Still alive though," Garrus replied, his tone light, clearly relieved at the arrival of the reinforcements too.

"It looks like you need some help," Shepard joked.

"Not really, but since you are here..." Garrus shot back.

"Roger, stay bunkered down... You'll know soon why..."

"Yes, sir."

Tali was glad for his order; she felt extremely exhausted. She just lay against the crate, her whole body hanging limp. Tali felt like falling to sleep, wanting to forget all this pain she had had to endure.

A sudden rumble from the skies interrupted her.

But as the familiar black ship appeared, a sense of relief returned. The colossus was done.

Shortly after, the Normandy opened fire, and Tali could easily guess at where...

Then, after a few seconds, she heard the voice of the Normandy's pilot. "Aaand 500-0 for Team Shepard. Thank me later."

After a few seconds of silence, the confirmation for the kill came. "All clear, everyone can come out," Shepard's voice sounded over the radio.

Tali and Garrus carefully got up, still peering around for more enemies, and saw the remains of the colossus.

Tali smiled triumphantly.

…

They limped to the colossus, staring at the flames, when other members of the team started to emerge around them.

Ashley among them. "Damn!" she exclaimed, staring at them. "It looks like you two fought a world war and lost."

"Something like that," Garrus replied in exhaustion.

"Why didn't you use the Mako?" Tali asked, now realizing that the rockets hadn't come from it.

Ashley simply pointed at somewhere at their right, causing both of them to turn. At about 30 meters from them, Tali saw something large on fire... She remembered a flash when running towards the Mako... A siege pulse, perhaps?

Garrus just sighed tiredly. "Williams, tell Shepard that I'm not fixing that. I don't get paid overtime."

"You can tell him yourself," Williams replied, her tone still light, pointing at her left with her muzzle.

They turned again, and saw Shepard, along with Wrex, Liara and Kaidan with him. "You two look pretty banged up," he said.

"Not the only one," Garrus retorted, noticing a few large dents in Shepard's armor... His left shoulder pad had completely disappeared somewhere.

"Maybe," Shepard said shortly, gazing at Tali, seemingly at her hurt arm, and at her pained side. "Kaidan, help Garrus. The rest get ready for the Normandy."

He walked to her, now standing in front of her. Without saying a word, he carefully reached out for her injured arm, and Tali let him. He held it gently in his hand, with carefully pressing it with his other. Tali flinched in pain as his fingers touched. "Sorry," he muttered, letting go of the arm.

Sorry... Not as sorry as she was... "John, I...I..." she just didn't know how to say it.

Shepard's eyes smiled at her. "I'm just glad you're okay."

She laughed tiredly, in elation... Then realized how tired she was, that she couldn't stand. Her knees buckled, and she was toppling over.

Shepard caught her in his arms. Tali smirked at a memory that now felt ancient, like it had been very long time ago. "This is like when we first met... You caught me then too," she whispered.

"I always catch pretty ladies in my arms when I get the chance."

Tali laughed quietly, and again found it hurting her side. "Please don't make me laugh."

"I try..."

…

Tali blinked in front of the geth terminal, coding the interface with furious speed. After Kaidan had given her first aid, the Normandy had picked them up, and Chakwas had given them their medical screenings. New injuries to accompany older ones... Her humerus had fractured rather badly, requiring some rest, but at least it wasn't broken completely... Two of her ribs had hairline fractures, again lucky; it could have been much worse. And her head; she had suffered two concussions... But thanks to the advances of modern medical science, it would take only a week for her to be back in action.

A week of rest for all the injured members... That did actually account almost half of the team; her, Liara and Garrus...

But as if she was going to wait for a week to start working on the terminal... It had to contain some important, because... well, it was geth's. And everything the geth had was important for the quarians, and maybe for humans as well, being the target of their attacks lately and so.

It made Tali wonder what it contained... Some secrets of them none knew? Locations of their bases? An insight into them?

Or perhaps it was just full of tales of the Reapers, the geth holy book of them of sorts...

But it could be important, maybe even important enough to bring back as a Pilgrimage gift...

She tried to clear her head immediately; it couldn't be this easy to find something_ that_ important... She shouldn't hope so much, for her hopes could be easily crushed.

Tali took a deep breath, continuing. Her fingers swiftly moved as she coded the program, only stopping when meeting a dilemma which she quickly solved. She felt like nothing could stop her. How she loved this feeling, to solve some great riddle... It didn't matter what the riddle was, solving it was reward enough... Though this time it did matter to her.

Strange, the silence that surrounded her. The hangar was just empty; all were resting after the intense mission, no Ashley, no Garrus, no Wrex... Just her, and her thoughts. She was beginning to like the quiet, even though first it had seemed to be scary... Like she was alone.

"How's the arm?"

She almost jumped up from her seat, her head quickly snapping at that direction, and seeing Shepard... He was smiling slightly, probably due to her startling. "John...You scared me."

"Sorry," he replied softly.

"Have you stood there for long?" she asked, now having relaxed again, sitting back down.

"Maybe. Don't know."

She'd been so immersed in her work that she hadn't noticed... "Are you looking for something?"

"I knew you weren't resting."

"I..." Tali felt a surge of fluster going through her, him having figured her out... She turned back to the terminal, to her omni-tool. "I can't rest now... I have to solve this... This might be important. Besides, you are not resting either."

"Smart girl," he replied, a barely noticeable grin curling his lips. "Not the first time you've said that."

After Feros. The mess hall. She remembered, remembered how that was one of the first times she realized that she liked him. She had been confused, hadn't wished to talk with him... The first and only time. "Mess hall... You said you couldn't sleep."

"Yeah," he said quietly, sitting down next to her, simply staring at her.

"What?" It was strange of him to just stare...

His gaze immediately dropped, he looked tense. "I don't know why you did it."

"Did what?"

"Feros. You could have just refused... I remember you crying."

Tali gave him a hint of a smile. "You asked." She may have accused him of what happened at first, but when looking back now... It had worked out rather well; They had saved half of the colonists, even though they were in a hurry, and weren't equipped to pacify civilians... He had done what he could.

"I know," Shepard said, now glum. He looked sorry, guilty.

Yet he still blamed himself.

Slowly, and gently Tali's hand moved onto his shoulder, then to his neck. He leaned towards her, laying his head on her shoulder, careful to keep as little weight on her as possible... Her ribs wouldn't probably like that either. She carefully began stroking the hair on his head; it felt soft, pleasant to touch... She felt his every breath rippling through her, the warmth of him spreading to her. "You don't need to be sorry."

"Yet I am."

They sat like that for a while, Tali's omni-tool quietly whirring in the background. "Do you still feel useless?" Shepard asked her suddenly, breaking the silence.

"I... I'm sorry about that... I shouldn't have shouted at you..."

"Your arm and side must be even more sorry," Shepard remarked with a smile, glancing at her splinted arm and her bandaged midsection. "Bet they'd prefer feeling useless."

Tali giggled quietly, her shaking paining the ribs. "Maybe I would too..." she said, grunting in pain.

"Maybe."

Tali's thoughts turned back to their conversation in the mess hall... He had brought it up, and she couldn't lose the memory of it now. "I had the same reason as you."

"Hmm?"

"For not sleeping..." she felt slight her face blushing at the thought of the vivid dream... "I... dreamed of you."

"Ouch," Shepard said feigning a flinch. "No wonder you were terrified."

"Depends on what the dream is about," she replied coyly, feeling her face burning at her own boldness.

"Oh! Those kind of dreams...How terrible of you," he said, glancing at her again, smirking.

"Maybe," she replied playfully, mimicking his words.

"Yet it is understandable. I am quite charming."

"Or maybe it's due to you saving young women with influential families from trouble frequently?"

"Maybe."

Then her omni-tool beeped. The interface was done. She quickly rose up, Shepard almost falling down as she did. She walked to the front of the terminal, tapping her omni-tool furiously. It was all there... _Update history, recent updates, upgrade history._.. The whole geth evolution was there, everything. "Oh, Keelah..."

"What?" Shepard asked, now standing right next to her.

"Everything is here, everything about the geth... How they've evolved, how they function now..." she listed as her eyes peered through the items in the interface. One caught her attention though; an item called '_Worlds and Innocence Lost_.'

She opened it, and was surprised to see it wasn't encrypted. A hologram of a quarian woman appeared, her standing before a crowd. The crowd was silent, as was she. Then she started humming. First lowly, quietly, her tone rising higher as the song progressed. But there were still no instruments, only her voice. Then she started singing, singing in quarian, singing beautifully. Tali knew the words, had heard song before... It had been recorded right after the Geth Rebellion, after the quarians were banished to the Fleet. They had lost their worlds, their cities, their innocence. Everyone had seen death, the entire generation was devastated, broken. Maybe still was.

Tali liked the song; it was beautiful, even if it was sad and tragic... She just couldn't understand why the geth had it. To mock the quarians? To analyze them? Did they simply like the melody? Or did they feel guilty? Tali snorted loudly; if they did, then maybe they should just give back their Homeworld, not just listen to stupid songs!

She slammed her fist to the terminal, Shepard startling slightly. "Something wrong?"

"A lot," Tali hissed, still eying the terminal with hate. "I know this song... It's about the Geth Rebellion... About how we lost," she replied more calmly, having managed to suppress her bile.

"Something made you angry," Shepard pointed out.

"I just thought that... Maybe they felt guilty, that's why they have the song... " Something inside her began boiling again, as she thought of the geth's insult. "But if they do... they should do something... Not just... Not just this..."

Now, in turn, Shepard's hand moved to her shoulder, gently resting on it. She ignored the gesture of sympathy, being focused on her hate.

"You said you found something important," he asked, not caring that she had ignored the gesture.

"Important about the geth, yes," Tali replied, the anger and hate disappearing for a moment. "This could possibly be the key to reclaiming our Homeworl-"

Her sentence was abruptly cut short by a realization; she didn't have the data. The Alliance did; it was classified information, and Tali couldn't even imagine what sort of trouble Shepard could get into if he'd let her copy it... But she just had to ask. It was too good of an opportunity to miss. So Tali turned to him slowly, his hand dropping back down. She couldn't muster the courage to look at him, feeling guilty at putting him into this place. "I... I know I have no right to ask for it, but I'd... I'd like a copy of this."

"It's Alliance property, classified," Shepard replied quietly, embarrassed. He glanced at the device sadly. "I can't just give it away..." he muttered quietly, turning his eyes to the floor.

Tali felt sad for his reaction; she knew he wanted to give it to her, yet couldn't. She felt guilty again, for having put him in that spot... She looked at the terminal again. So close, yet so far away. It would have been perfect for her Pilgrimage... But... Sometimes you don't get what you hope for.

Her Pilgrimage would have been over, she would have had something special to bring back... Even if she wasn't coming back herself.

But she wasn't angry at Shepard, she couldn't ask him to harm himself for her... And she wanted him to know that. She mustered the best smile she could, and looked at him. "It's okay, John. I'll find something else."

Shepard glanced at her from under his brow, like not really believing her. Tali knew this was probably the best gift she could have, and it seemed that he knew that too.

Tali turned away from him, deciding to take one last look at the terminal, before it was sent away to the Alliance.

She heard a loud sigh from Shepard. "I did promise to find you something... Something to bring back... Do you remember?"

"I do..." she replied quietly. The same conversation at the mess hall... He had asked what she would need, and told that he could help... Tali had always thought it for an empty promise, that he'd say to just make her feel better... She still didn't know.

"You said you wanted to bring back something big... The data in that terminal is that, isn't it?" he asked, his tone as quiet as hers.

Tali thought for a second to belittle the data's value to her, but decided against it... He would know anyway. "It is."

Shepard started smiling. "Then it's yours."

Tali blinked for a second... She didn't really believe it; her Pilgrimage was over... She had found something.

She was free.

The thought almost brought tears to her eyes... But her joy was diluted by one thing. Shepard. "What... w-what about you? I don't want you to get into trouble."

He just smiled at her. "I did promise."

She felt the tears starting to flow on her face as her gaze kept jumping between the terminal and him, pondering whether or not to just run into his arms... "W-why?" she asked quietly, sniffling as her nose oozed from crying. "W-why are you so good to me?"

Shepard's smile disappeared quickly, now looking thoughtful. "You asked that before... I said I didn't know."

"I remember," Tali whispered, sniffling again. "I-it... it was strange."

"I know now..." he said quietly, her eyes looking into hers again, his eyes quite moisten. "I think I love you."

She blinked again, felt her heart skip a beat. The whole world seemed to freeze around her. "W-what...What did you say...?"

Why every second without him felt miserable? Why was she abandoning her home for him? Why did she trust him so, cared for him so? Why did she want nothing else but him?

Was it love? What else?

"I-"

She didn't need to ponder anymore whether to run into his arms or not... She just had to. So she did, holding onto him as strongly as she could, squeezing him as tightly as possible. It hurt, hurt terribly at her ribs, but it didn't matter. She just had to hold onto him, never let him go. She felt his arms around her, cradling her, caressing her back. "You don't know how much I do you too..."

John didn't answer, just held onto her... She heard his breath vibrating in her ear, his heart beating... The warmth of his body... Her perfect happiness was spoiled by one fear, which she then voiced. "Never leave."

"Shit..." she heard Shepard mutter, and letting go of her, both still standing face to face. He chuckled in embarrassment, and Tali saw a single tear on his face. "A grown man and crying..."

Tali smiled at him, her finger reaching out and wiping the tear away. "I won't tell anyone... "

Shepard chuckled quietly, smiled. "How nice of you."


	18. Downhill

…

Things had been quite calm lately, in more ways than one. No distress calls, no missions... Nothing. But even that didn't mean the squad had nothing to do...

Garrus, for example, had made sure of that.

Their next target was a salarian doctor named Saleon. He had been cloning organs and planting them inside his own people, usually causing them to die. And all just for money... He was, by all definitions, a quite bad man. And - especially lately - Team Shepard had regressed from saviors of the galaxy to something that handled such men.

With violence more often than not.

Regressed... It wasn't probably the right word, for it wasn't all that bad; they had done good deeds, even if they weren't of the same caliber that they were a month before. Saren was very good at hiding... Which was good for him; Tali wouldn't want to oppose them either.

But even if they weren't saving the galaxy at every moment, doing what they did still felt important. There weren't many who did what they did; most couldn't, and those that could didn't care.

This mission felt more important than most others however... She looked at the reason for such walking before her: A tall figure in blue armor. The turian looked very restless and grim, he hadn't spoken a word, hadn't joked once. It was like a dark shroud was surrounding him, making him look bleak, sullen.

It worried Tali. It wasn't like him to act in such a way, to be so... gloom. Catching this Doctor Saleon seemed to mean a lot to him.

And Tali found it meaning a lot to her. She didn't like to see him suffer. Garrus didn't deserve it.

Tali hastened her pace to catch up to him, to maybe try and cheer him up. She slowly drifted next to him, his stressed demeanor still very present. Ignoring that, Tali tried to engage him in little bantering anyway. "Why do you think we always end up in the same team?" Tali asked lightly, pointing to the fact that she, Garrus and Kaidan were part of this split, while the rest formed the other."Does our Commander just wish to torture us?" Tali added jokingly, reminding Garrus of the arguments she and him had had before.

"I don't know. Ask him," Garrus replied blankly, clearly not interested in doing so.

The reply caused Tali to slow her pace back to its normal level, falling slightly behind. Normally he would have joked to her, said something witty... But not now. She felt even more worried about him than before, was worried that this mattered so much to him, that this was so personal. What did he hope to gain by killing this sick salarian? Revenge?

She wasn't completely against revenge; she had exacted hers countless times on the geth... But it was different this time; the geth weren't people, just machines... This salarian was a person, a person Garrus wanted to kill.

Tali had killed countless times too, and could still remember the first life she took... It had been one of Saren's men who had tried to kill her...

In a flash the event came back to her.

_She is aiming at the turian, who approaches her steadily, weapon drawn and aimed. She tries steeling herself, tries to pull the trigger, but she knows what will happen if she will. The turian will die… She will become a killer…_

_She grits her teeth, closes her eyes. It is either her… or him. And it was not going to be her. She pulls the trigger. The turian falls._

And quickly the memory vanishes back to the dark deeps of her mind, leaving a sour aftertaste.

She had been sickened by it, had taken a life... Killed someone. It didn't matter if the turian had tried to kill her, it did nothing to the guilt. It just felt horrible.

How little had she known then... She couldn't remember how many lives she had taken now. Tens probably, she hadn't counted for a long time, and every pull of the trigger made it easier, as much as it disgusted her to admit.

But she had never wanted to kill anyone, she had just had to. She had never killed anyone in anger, always in combat, in self-defense.

Even so, she didn't feel any better about that.

…

A breath, followed by another. The continuous breathing of John Shepard had been the sole sound she had heard in the last ten hours. The whole time she had been holding his hand in hers, and even through sleep had her grip held. His heart beat quietly, in a steady rhythm. She liked the sound, it was tranquilizing, calming. Her own had felt like bursting ever since he told her that he loved her... Her head rested on his chest, simply listening, enjoying the moment. She didn't dare to move; maybe if she did, he would go away and it would end.

She didn't want it to end.

She fell asleep at times, and every time woke to see him still next to her. It wasn't just a dream, it was true, really happening. He truly was there, holding her.

She didn't feel tired, yet wished to sleep. Only to wake up next to him.

So she did, wishing that the cycle of such would never end.

…

Tali at one side of the door, Garrus at the other, and Kaidan in the middle, ready to use his biotics. The energy barrier around him shimmered, making him look ethereal, like he was a spirit or a ghost. Kaidan nodded to Garrus, who punched the door panel, the door swinging open.

Kaidan ran through first, immediately Garrus following. Then Tali.

As soon as she stepped through the door, she heard Kaidan. "Clear."

Tali immediately relaxed and lowered her gun, but still cradled it in her hands; Saleon could have guards or helpers somewhere, even if they hadn't found them yet. Tali had quickly learned to never drop her guard in a combat area.

The salarian had managed to avoid detection for a quite some time now; they had searched ten rooms by now, Shepard's team having cleared a similar amount. But still no sign of the salarian 'philanthropist'. Or his possible goons.

Her eyes wandered the room, not surprised that it was another laboratory; her team had already uncovered three. It was clear that Saleon was conducting some kind of research or experiments, but of what caliber, Tali didn't even want to think about.

Considering his past deeds, it couldn't be anything good.

Which was what scared her the most; she had seen such nightmarish things during her time on the Normandy before that she wasn't keen on seeing more. But she knew it was wishful thinking.

People torn to pieces by explosions, people being transformed into husks, husks up-close, corpses mutilated by animals... At first she may have felt sick, like vomiting, but seeing it all seemed to desensitize you. She no longer felt sick at seeing such horrific things, she felt just sorrow... Their lives ended so abruptly, so shortly, so violently... What pain they must have gone through before their death... She felt pity, and different kind of sick; helpless. Helpless for not being able to help them, not being fast enough... She didn't like to see anyone suffer. No matter what they had done.

Even the geth deserved a quick death.

So maybe her willingness to kill geth wasn't just about revenge, but rather about making sure that no one else was hurt. It felt like rationalizing though...

She could understand Garrus feeling the same, but unlike the geth, Saleon could be captured. It wasn't necessary to kill him...'

Tali wondered if she would always think like this, or if the desensitization would transform into indifference, making her numb at the pain of others. To just gaze at all the destruction of life and feel nothing. The vision was not a pleasant one.

"Lieutenant," Tali heard Garrus calling to Alenko grimly, tearing Tali away from her thoughts.

The tone of his voice made Tali feel both horrible and curious. Curious, because he had obviously found something. And horrible, because she remembered what this place was. Nothing here could be anything but terrible.

Despite her hesitancy, she still turned to him, walked to him, and saw what he saw.

It was an operating table, used for surgeries. The desk was surrounded by many kinds of medical applications and machines, none which Tali knew the purpose of. Some of the devices blinked or flickered, while some showed strange and unknown readings in their monitors. Then her gaze turned to the table, immediately wishing that she hadn't done so. It was covered in blood; blue, orange, green, red... The blood of all the different species mixed together, the mottled texture of bodily fluids covering the entire table.

Alenko took a step towards the table, omni-tool pointed. A light appeared from it, Alenko using it to scan the gruesome relic. "Some stains are dry, older. Some fresh."

Tali heard a strange, low growling sound coming from next to her, from Garrus. She turned at him, seeing his mandibles quietly opening, then closing. His eyes seemed to burn with determination, with fury. With hate. "They should have shot him down," he muttered, then stormed out of the room.

Tali's eyes followed him as he went. Did he blame himself? Did he think that he'd let Saleon go? Did he believe that this blood was on his hands?

Garrus could be stupid at times... She would need to tell him that.

"You should talk to him," Kaidan repeated her thoughts, of which Tali wasn't really surprised. Despite the life Kaidan had had, he was very well-adjusted and good person. Tali wasn't sure if most people would be after seeing what he had, doing what he had done. "You seem to get along pretty well. He might listen to you," he added, eyes moving between her and the exit.

Tali didn't met his eyes, just stared after the turian. "I really don't know what to say..."

"Say what you think is right."

"What is right?" Tali asked rhetorically, looking around the room again. "All these experiments... Should that salarian die for these?"

"I don't know."

…

As the world of dreams released its grip on her mind, countless sensations flood her senses, surrounded her. She kept her eyes still closed tight, for she loved this part of waking the most. It was amazing just to feel him, to sense him. Like her fingers wrapped around something warm, and after a short exploration with that hand, she knew she was still holding his. Then quiet thumping in her ear; his heart. Then his breath. Then his arm wrapped around her, resting on her hip. His chest under her head, moving slowly up and down as he drew breath.

Tali opened her eyes and stared at their crossed fingers. His hand was much larger than hers, so much that she could only hold two of his fingers at once. She changed the grip, taking two smaller fingers in her hand in turn.

"Why do you do that?" his voice asked quietly, vibrating in her ear.

She thought for a moment before answering, knowing her answer was quite silly. "The other fingers might get jealous if I don't hold them."

"Maybe," he replied, his smile reflecting into his voice.

Tali immersed herself back to their tangled fingers, especially his. It was strange how he had five instead of three... She would imagine them getting in the way, breaking easily for being so thin. So very alien.

"I have to get up," he said suddenly, ending the immersion.

"Already?" Tali asked, disappointed that the comfortable moment had to end. "Do you have something you need to do?"

"No," he muttered, his voice slightly strained. But the corner of your helmet digging into my chest kinda hurts…"

Tali raised her head up immediately, turning to him, seeing the light blue eyes of his narrowing. "You should have said something," she said softly. "I would have moved."

Those eyes of his just peered into hers, small smile on his face. "You looked comfortable."

His eyes had been the first thing she had noticed in him, their color. They were so very fair, their color beautiful. But it was the owner of them that made them special. Sometimes they were full of feeling, of care, of sympathy. And sometimes they gained their piercing look, like two small bits of icy steel.

Regardless of the expression, they always stood out.

Tali smiled at that, laying her head down again, this time on his shoulder. His arm went around her head, his wrist limp on her shoulder. She again took two of his fingers into her palm, when a thought came to her. Or rather an idea. "Helmets can be taken off..." she remarked coyly, smirking. Her boldness brought color to her cheeks.

"And where has your mind gone to again?" he asked, a smug grin on his face.

"A-again?" she asked, her face burning from his remark... Was she constantly thinking about this? She didn't think so... But was she? Was she pressuring him? Forcing herself on him? She'd like to think she wouldn't do such a thing, but maybe she was...?

But she wouldn't do that on purpose.

"It's you who brings this up. I have been a complete gentleman."

"I... That's... It wasn't just a joke, John," Tali muttered, suddenly finding herself hurt by his indifference. It was like he didn't appreciate what she was trying to do, he just joked. Everything was just a joke, something to make fun at. What she felt for him wasn't a joke, her leaving the Flotilla wasn't a joke, and the risks of the intimacy weren't jokes... It seemed like they were to him, like he didn't appreciate her doing those things.

Tali tossed her legs over the bed's edge and sit up straight, turning her back to him. "I don't just say those things. I mean them... It's could be dangerous, there's risks..."

Then something very unpleasant crossed her mind, leaving a horrible feeling at the bottom of her stomach. "Unless you're... you're saying you don't want to...?

She felt his hand on her shoulder, touching it with her own as soon as it touched her. "I don't like those risks..."

Tali felt her heart sink, her hand falling with it back to her lap. He didn't want to? Was this what rejection felt like? Like a stone was suddenly dropped inside her, pulling her down, like she just wanted crash to the floor? A wave of disappointment coursed through her, leaving a bitter feeling after. She wasn't going to touch his skin with hers? Actually feel, not just through this fabric... She wasn't going to kiss him?

Wasn't going to make love to him?

She wanted to do such things with him - wanted to experience them - and to have them taken away so quickly left her paralyzed, so very disappointed. "Is it me...?" she asked quietly, now beginning to feel something welling in her eyes, blurring her vision. Didn't he want her like he had said? He had said how he wanted to experience it if she did... Was that a lie?

"It's not about that," Shepard said quietly, having inched next to her, sitting by her side. "It's just so dangerous...," he added quietly with a sigh, hanging his head afterwards. "Sorry."

Tali closed her eyes, feeling something falling down her cheeks. "Well, you can't blame a girl for trying..." she muttered, trying desperately to hide the shaking of her voice. It didn't work really work, nor did she really care if it did. She got up, fighting off the rest of the tears, wanting to yell at him, to punch him for making her feel like this, but couldn't... He was right: It was too dangerous, it wasn't smart to take risks without any gains... Her head could agree with that. Her heart felt like it was split in two. "I have to get back to work," she muttered quietly, before starting towards the door.

Not any gains? There couldn't be things larger to gain but this… This was large for her... Wasn't it for him?

She heard him calling for her, asking her not to go... But she just couldn't stay.

She felt like the most important thing in her life had been taken away.

...

"Garrus?" Tali requested the turian's attention, all still exploring the mad doctor's vessel.

And Garrus gave it, sort of. "What?" the turian snapped at her, not even bothering to turn his head.

Tali was slightly taken aback by his curtness, felt like they were back to where they had started; him resenting quarians for 'letting the geth break free', and her resenting him back for such ignorant accusations. But she quickly dispelled such thoughts, knowing they hadn't been true for a long time. "You are very glum."

The turian glanced at her in irritation, but he said nothing. Again the past popped into her mind, Tali wondering if Garrus would have stayed quiet on Feros? Or would he have just snapped at her to mind her own business?

She sighed quietly; already the task of getting more than two words out of him felt almost impossible, and she hadn't yet even tried properly... Maybe she shouldn't just circle around the subject, but just ask him directly. Or tell what she felt. "I'm worried about you."

Garrus looked at her again, still irritated. But as they kept staring at each other, the annoyance seemed to fade away somewhat. When he finally turned his head back forward, his mandibles flickered once with some meaning Tali couldn't possibly know. Turians were hard to read... All they did was moved those bones in different ways... "You should be more worried about Doctor Saleon," he interrupted her pondering suddenly. Finally he was speaking.

"I don't care about what happens to him," Tali replied, still sticking with expressing her feelings. "I care about what happens to you."

Garrus again gazed at her, now the bones of his jaw moving twice. "What? You think I shouldn't kill him?"

"Why can't you just give him to the Alliance? Or some other authorities?"

Garrus snorted and came to a stop. He kept looking at her, now his mandibles twitching erratically. That at least Tali could interpret; annoyance again. "It's because of the authorities that he's still free. You saw that damn table! Can you really tell me that he doesn't deserve to die?"

"I don't think it's our place to say who does and doesn't..." Tali replied quietly, lowering her head.

Garrus' bones kept shifting, not saying anything, just walking again. But he changed his mind. "You sound just like my sister."

"You have a sister?" Tali asked, her brow rising with surprise... He'd never talked about her...

"Yeah, Solana," Garrus muttered, as if he had immersed himself into a memory forgotten.

"What is she like?"

Garrus again glanced at Tali. "Kinda like you."

Tali raised her eyebrows again, this time grinning. "Good or a bad thing?"

Her question caused Garrus to chuckle, the first time he had on this mission, refreshing in the midst of all his gloom and bleak. "Well... She's a decent one. One of the real few. Always cares, always ready to help... Kind. Could say those are pretty good things," he answered, with a cheery flicker from his mandibles this time, opposed to those earlier, erratic ones.

"I..." the look on Tali's face changed to smile as her brain processed his words, his compliment. "Thank you."

Kind words from a person who only months ago had very clearly disliked her people, disliked her. But like always, even if Tali could recognize such things in herself, she always felt embarrassed when someone else told that to her, put her on a pedestal over others... She wasn't special.

But even if she didn't like that, she was glad that she'd managed to cheer him up. He was joking again.

"Forgot temperamental though. That's definitely something you and Sol have in common too..." he added lightly, like the dark aura that had been surrounding him was just memory.

She couldn't really disagree with his words - not with her almost continuous outbursts - though she really didn't feel like giving him the satisfaction of being right either... Her lips started to curl slyly as she tried to come up with a crushing comeback, only to notice something strange in his description of his sibling. Something she hadn't noticed a moment ago. "Temperamental? Don't turians think that one should control their feelings?"

Garrus stared at her, his mandibles flickering cheerily twice; a telltale of an imminent witty retort. "Yeah, and all quarians lie and steal..."

"Good point," Tali muttered at a loss for words, her meager efforts at denying him the satisfaction of verbally beating her having been in vain. He was good at hitting the nerve; it wasn't the first time she had been left speechless after his comeback. He was right though; she had made such judgments before about Wrex, about humans... She really should learn not to do this. "A-anyway, she sounds important to you," Tali stuttered, trying to change the subject clumsily.

Garrus' mandibles moved a couple of times in a smugly fashion, before her words sink in. "Yeah," he replied quietly, the glumness and sullenness returning.

Tali could almost read his thoughts... "Yet you've never mentioned her?" she asked, quite sure that he was feeling guilty of that, of not thinking about her.

"I know I should have."

"Is her opinion important to you?" Tali queried cleverly, still trying to get him to reconsider.

But Garrus wasn't stupid, and he saw through that, the annoyance again returned to his demeanor. "I know what you're trying to do, Tali. It won't make me change my mind."

"I..." Tali stumbled in her words for a second, but then decided that she'd had enough of games. She would just say what she meant. "Why do you want to kill the salarian so much?"

And again, Garrus didn't answer.

"Revenge?"

"Justice."

"And you decide what is just?" Tali asked, her voice starting to rise.

"Exactly."

"Then it's revenge," she remarked, her voice back to its normal level. Though it held an chastising, disappointed tone.

Garrus again glared at her, but didn't say anything.

...

At some point, Tali may have felt like that half of the Normandy's crew were missing, that the ship was empty. Now it felt too crowded, she couldn't think a place she could be alone in.

So she had simply cradled into her pod, having cried for who knows how long… The pain just wasn't leaving, it just hurt, and hurt, and hurt. After everything she had done to be with him, it was just torn away from her. She wanted to blame him, wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt her, but couldn't. He was right… This mission was more important than feelings of either of them. But it just didn't feel right. She just felt pain.

"Tali!" she heard someone calling for her name. At first a hope arose that it was Shepard, here to turn back on his decision. But she quickly recognized that it wasn't him, another wave of disappointment coursing through her.

"Tali! You here?" she heard Kaidan calling for her again.

Tali tried to stay quiet, hoping that he would go away. She didn't want to talk, didn't want to hear of anyone's problems, didn't want to see anyone... She didn't want anything.

Kaidan knocked on her pod. "Wake up."

"Go away, Kaidan," she muttered quietly, again trying to hide the shaking of her voice. She didn't know how many times she could do that, but not many. Or why she even bothered to do that in the first place. She didn't really care if he saw her crying, since that really wouldn't be her biggest problem.

"Are you sick?" she heard him asking.

"Yes," she said quietly, lying without even thinking. She didn't want to, but she wanted to talk to him even less.

"Want me to get Doctor Chakwas?"

Just go! Why can't you just leave! She felt another surge of tears falling down her face, the sobs shaking her body again. "N-no..."

He didn't say anything, and Tali hoped that he would just leave. But he didn't. "What's wrong?"

Everything. Everything was wrong. She didn't even care that he'd seen through her. She just wanted to be alone. "Please go away."

"Is it... Shepard?"

The mention of his name again poured tears out of her eyes. "P-please, Kaidan."

"It is him?"

Again he forced her to think of him. She squeezed her eyes shut, the pain wallowing inside her twisting her face, shaking her body even harder. She wanted to yell at him to leave her alone, but the sobs and tears had completely taken her speech away.

And, after a while, she heard him walking away.

She thanked him a thousand times in her head.

…

_A clink._

_A footstep._

_Another clink._

"Did you hear those noises?" Tali asked nervously of the human Lieutenant next to her.

"I did," Alenko said quietly, the dark blue biotic field swirling around him already.

Tali turned towards Garrus to ask him, but after seeing the turian frozen still, it was clear he had. It wasn't surprising - the turians had very acute senses - since Garrus was always very aware of his surroundings, even for a turian. It was probably his military and C-Sec training that made him so cautious, so perceptive, but some of it had to be natural... He had been a detective in the C-Sec after all. Detectives were perceptive...

It was like watching a blue-armored and scaled predator stalking its prey, something Tali could remember feeling like before; the first time when they had worked together in the tunnels of Feros, then again on Noveria, and again on countless other places where Garrus had sensed an ambush. Sometimes she didn't even notice the aliens being aliens – customs, expressions and gestures were all very alike even across species – but these situations made the similarities seem only cosmetic.

It was sometimes easy to forget the witty and joking turian she knew.

Garrus pointed at the door on their left, probably signaling where the noises were coming from. The trio set themselves around the door in the usual fashion; Tali and Garrus at the either side, and Kaidan at the center. Garrus punched the panel, and the doors swung open.

Kaidan surged in, then Garrus, and lastly her.

The room was dark, very dark, but as they entered the lights were turned on, illuminating the room. Tali immediately wished they hadn't.

"Oh God," Kaidan gasped.

There was a chair in the room, and in the chair sat a batarian man, if one could even call the grotesque being that. The batarian's bare torso was horribly scarred and thin, all his bones sticking out from beneath his sallow, green skin. He looked terribly malnourished, and that he'd been tortured for a horrifically long time. On his head was some kind of metallic helmet, with a small gap for him to see.

"Keelah..."

Then the batarian's right arm suddenly fidgeted, the rest of his body soon following. He growled loudly in a way Tali didn't even know was possible for batarians, and got up. Two bright dots fired up in a gap of the helmet, his eyes somehow shimmering in the dark.

Before Tali could even react, the batarian was already on her. It swung its right arm in a wide arc towards her head, Tali barely managing to dodge the blow. Another followed - from the left this time - hitting Tali on her torso. The impact felt very hard, knocking her out of balance, sending her crashing to the floor. Tali tried to recover as quickly as she could, spinning her legs towards the batarian, that was still coming at her. Tali kicked upwards as hard as she could, her heel striking the batarian to the jaw. The batarian's head lurched backwards, and Tali saw Garrus slamming his rifle's butt onto its head. It staggered to the side by the impact, but still stayed on its feet.

"Alenko, now!" Garrus yelled, and the creature flung against the nearby wall violently in a blue flash. It fell to the floor, and laid there limp.

As Tali's mind started to clear from the rush of combat, she noticed Kaidan's hand before her. She took it, and Alenko pulled her back to her feet. "You okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine," Tali muttered, still keeping her eyes on the creature. This was exactly what she had been afraid of, of seeing some horrific, nightmarish thing... What was that salarian doing in here? This was just revolting...

As she carefully approached the creature, she noticed Garrus giving it a small kick, which caused no reaction. "Is it dead?" Tali asked, still not letting the batarian out of her sights.

"No idea," the turian replied, the dark shroud surrounding him even more gloom than before. He just stared at the creature with intense disgust.

And with guilt. Tali knew again what he was thinking, it would be what she'd think. "It's not your fault, Garrus."

"Right."

Now Alenko joined them around the creature, shaking his head slightly. "Why would someone do this?"

All stood still in silent agreement.

…

Luckily, that had been the only creature they had seen. After neutralizing it, Kaidan had analyzed it quickly with his omni-tool, mostly trying to just figure out if it was still alive. And it was, which was amazing knowing the power Kaidan had. But that wasn't the only thing the scan revealed, unfortunately. Saleon had done some very barbaric and inhuman experiments with cybernetics, the goal probably having been to create some sort of super-soldier, as cliché as it sounds... He had even tried his specialty; organs. This time adding more of them... Horrible.

There were also signs of long-term brainwash, which had apparently backfired in some way, frying the batarian's brain in the process. It was very likely that the batarian could never recover.

But still they had locked the creature to that same room, and asked if the other team had seen something similar. They hadn't then, but after resuming their search for another ten minutes, Shepard had contacted them, telling how they had engaged two. Only one had survived.

Both teams were nearing the cockpit now, the last place still left unexplored. After waiting for a minute at a door leading there, Shepard's team arrived. As one, they marched through the door, only to find the cockpit deserted. Or so it would have seemed by first glance. A salarian carefully peeked out from behind a large cabinet. "A-are the things dead?" he asked, clearly sounding terrified.

"That's Saleon, Shepard," Garrus said, raising his pistol to aim at the salarian.

The salarian now looked very frightened, his eyes opened wide. "W-what?" he stuttered. "I'm Doctor Heart! I don't know any Saleon!"

"Garrus?" Shepard asked.

"Hundred percent positive."

"Then what do you want to do?"

Oh, Keelah... He was going to kill the salarian... This wasn't right, this was just revenge... Despite the horrible things he had done, he deserved a trial, not just downright execution...

"What I'd like to is harvest his organs, but I doubt we have time for that..." Garrus responded coldly, his voice filled with hate.

"He's crazy! Please, don't let him kill me!" the salarian pleaded to Shepard.

Tali had to do something; it wasn't just about the salarian, it was about Garrus too... He would be a murderer, just like Saleon. "Garrus, please don't do this," Tali asked quietly in turn. "It won't change anything."

Garrus stayed quiet, just kept his gun at Saleon. Tali noticed his hand shaking slightly, like he hesitated.

"I think you should just kill him. There's no way he can ever be a productive member of society..." Shepard then argued, logically as always.

"Shepard!" Tali snapped at him. How could he say that? How could he suggest someone to kill someone like that? It wasn't just about Saleon, but about Garrus. You don't just kill people in cold blood and walk out unchanged... It changed you. Tali may not have had first hand experience, but she knew enough about killing to know that for certain. But what did it change the person into? It couldn't be anything good.

"It's not really my place to say," Kaidan chimed in. "But spending the rest of his life in a cell thinking about what he'd done sounds punishment enough to me. "

"C'mon, LT," now Ashley joined the fray. "This guy is messed up. He'd hurt others in a heartbeat if given the chance. So let's not."

"It is not our place to decide his fate. We are not impartial," then Liara asserted.

"So what?" Wrex asked, causing everyone to turn at him. "We have choice between getting our _feelings_ hurt by killing him, or take a chance that those fools will let him go at some point. Not much of a decision to me."

If the situation wasn't as humorless as it was, Tali may have found it funny that probably the smartest argument came from a krogan...

The team was split in two... No help from there; it was just Garrus' decision. "Please don't do this, Garrus..." Tali pleaded one last time to the turian.

Who pulled the trigger.


	19. Virmire, Part 1

Tali didn't know if she'd ever been this depressed.

First the trouble with Doctor Saleon – with Garrus killing him – then Shepard rejected her. She hadn't spoken with either after what happened, even if Shepard had come by her a few times. Both times Tali brushed him away, and he hadn't talked – or even tried to talk - to her since. She'd like to think she didn't blame him, but she did. He'd lied to her, told how he wanted to be with her, then completely turned around on his decision. Too dangerous, he'd said…It didn't feel too dangerous to her.

She squeezed her eyes shut as they started to water at the thoughts, trying her best to swallow her tears. She had gone two days now without crying, and wasn't going to start now.

Tali sniffled quietly, trying to focus on the salarians scurrying around her. One paced around in the shallow water, rolling his head from side to side, front to back, and then stretched his arms straight towards the sky, holding his assault rifle over his head. These salarians were tough, having spent months behind enemy lines, gathering intelligence on Saren.

Which, Tali saw, was clearly straining them; they looked all very tired, exhausted even. They had probably lost many of their brethren, had probably fought intense battles constantly, and had constantly been afraid for their lives… Tali couldn't really understand how tiring it could be – she had never experienced it herself – but guessed that 'extremely' could be a proper word to describe it. She felt bad for them, doing such important work, yet never getting any recognition for it due to its nature.

Few more salarians were gathered in a small ring talking - all in white battle armor - one of them having taken off his helmet. Tali recognized him as Commander Rentola, the STG regiment's second-in-command, the commander of the unit being Captain Kirrahe. Tali had seen the captain only very briefly after they had disembarked from the Mako, him and Shepard quickly having retired to one of the tents where they had been ever since.

Tali hadn't really cared to join them; someone would eventually tell her what to do, and she really didn't want to be in the same room as Shepard. Every time she looked at him, she felt a sting in her heart, felt it hard to breath, and wanted just to drop down to the floor and cry. So she stayed away. For now. Tali knew she had to talk to him at some point; maybe she could still get him to change his mind… Was love always this hard? She didn't want to be near him, yet didn't want to leave. She didn't want anyone else but Shepard, even if he hurt her…

She sighed quietly, again trying to shake the gloom away. Her eyes continued their traveling along the long beach, seeing the sun shining, illuminating the clouds around it with orange glow. It was a beautiful sight, cheering her up slightly.

But it was short-lived, as she noticed a blue-armored figure sitting on the beach, throwing small rocks into the water. Garrus sat hunched forward, leaning on his knee with his left hand, the right one slowly - and with disinterest – tossing those small rocks into the ocean stretched before them.

Tali's mood sunk to its all-time low again after noticing him. She had asked him not to kill the Doctor, but he hadn't listened. It wasn't due to her angry at him for doing so that made her mood sink, but rather the worry she felt for him. After pulling the trigger, he had remarked on the satisfaction the kill brought, but now he didn't look satisfied. Garrus had actually been very quiet ever since, looking rather tired every time Tali saw him.

Just like he looked right now. Tali knew she should go to him, she knew she even wanted to, but was afraid if what he'd say would add to her anguish… She really didn't need to carry anyone else's problems right now. She couldn't handle that.

But despite her assurances, she got back to her feet and started towards him.

…

The grain gritted beneath her boots as she walked, getting nearer and nearer. At one point, Garrus heard the sounds, acknowledging her presence with a quick glance. He tossed another stone to the water, a quiet _blub_ following as the ocean swallowed the rock.

Tali sat down next to him, with Garrus greeting her quietly: "Hi, Tali."

His voice was as strained and quiet as Tali had expected it to be, making her feel pity at him. "How are you doing?"

"Here to rub it in my face?" he asked darkly, glancing at her again.

"What?" Tali asked in disbelief. He couldn't possibly think that she felt good at seeing him fail, at being right in hindsight? "Of course not."

His mandibles twitched cheerily, and he turned back to the ocean again expressionless. "I know. Sorry."

He knew… Tali smiled wanly at the thought. She wasn't petty – at least not like that – and she didn't get any satisfaction at seeing him hurt, being able to tell him how she told him so… But she still liked the fact that he knew that too. Quite a lot, actually. "Do you want to talk?" she asked him, her voice a bit more perky than before.

"I don't know," Garrus muttered.

If Garrus wanted to talk to her, she would listen. And if he didn't, she'd respect his wishes then as well… But she hoped he would, for she knew it would help him. Regardless of what he'd decide, she'd let him take his time.

And to her elation, he wanted to talk. "It seems everything I try turns into a disaster."

"I'm sure that's not true," Tali said comfortably, hesitating on whether or not to place her hand on his shoulder… But she was sure that his barrage of self-pity was just beginning, so she would reserve the gesture for later. Right now she was just happy to hear him out, and again tell him how wrong he was… Hopefully he'd listen to her this time.

"Right," Garrus muttered, another rock flying across the air and into the water. "I haven't told you about my time in the military?"

Tali shook her head; at least she couldn't recall such.

"Well, I didn't do that good in there either," he started, seemingly even more hunched than before. "Actually almost got kicked out."

"Why?"

His mandibles made another twitch, this one seeming to be one of hesitancy though. "I'm not very good at following orders. Bad ones, at least."

"That's not exactly a fault," Tali commented. "Bad orders shouldn't be followed."

"Right. That's what I think too, but it just isn't like that with turians…" he replied with a weary sigh. "Turians know their place. A good turian may complain about a bad order, but he still follows it… I just don't see any point to it, not when there are bigger things at stake."

"I really don't see the problem Garrus…"

"Then my work at C-Sec. I hated that place," he continued scornfully. "Always rules and regulations stopping me from doing my job. Always ridiculous orders that I had to follow…"

Garrus then threw – with much more force – another rock into the ocean, few drops of water splashing onto Tali's visor. "I'm a bad turian Tali… That's what my father said, and now I can see that too. I'm a damn failure. I can do nothing right."

"Your father said that?"

"Yeah," he replied, turning his head then back to her. "You remember when I said he threatened to disown me?"

Tali nodded, that she remembered. It was on that weird bug-planet with the Alliance outpost.

And then he turned back to the ocean again. "That's when he said it, reminded me of my _success_ in the army and in C-Sec…"

Garrus' father reminded Tali of someone else very much, almost seemed identical to the person in her thoughts... It wasn't exactly funny, but still a wicked grin rose to her face. "Are you sure we are not siblings? That sounds something my father would say… Maybe he's the same?"

Garrus chuckled quietly, his mandibles moving again cheerily. "Pretty sure. Even though we are both dextro-DNA, I'm a lot prettier."

Tali giggled in turn. "I'm sure you're right."

They sat silently for a moment, moods of both much brighter than before. It was Tali who spoke next, having now figured out what to say. Like always, it was simple. Just tell him what she felt.

"What do you want me to say, Garrus? That you can't do anything right?"

His head dropped at the words, the feeling of pity again surfacing inside Tali, fearing that she had hurt him. Now she placed the comforting hand on his shoulder. "I don't think that," she continued, causing his head to slowly pop back. "Your place is with neither of them. They are not for you. That's what those things prove, not that you can't do anything right."

The bones of his jaw made a few quick, happy flickers, Tali smiling back to him. "They don't deserve you."

His mandibles did another set of flickers afterwards, those even faster than ones before. "Less and less, Tali."

"Sorry?"

"The sibling –thing… If I'm sure… Less and less."

That was… Really something.

She found herself smiling at his words, even if she didn't really understand the feelings behind them. She could easily call him her friend – probably her best friend even – but to think that he'd see her as something more, as his sister of sorts… He had made such comparisons before, telling how she reminded him of Sol… Garrus spoke well of his sister, and even if he didn't do so often, it was very clear she was important to him.

Tali and Garrus had fought side by side countless times - owed each other their lives - and despite the rough start, she had really grown fond of him, really cared for him.

Then it hit her.

Just like she would care for a brother…. If she had one.

A stupefied chuckle escaped her, as she pondered on her slowness. Or her blindness. Why was it so hard for her to understand that some people could actually care about a quarian? Care about her.

She suddenly felt the urge of shedding tears again, but this time they were happy. She quietly sniffled.

At that, Garrus turned at her, his mandibles wide in confusion. "Something wrong?"

"No, it's just…" she muttered, feeling one trailing down her face. "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me…"

Now he placed a comforting hand on her shoulder in turn, Tali's own having slipped off at his confession. "Here to please," Garrus joked with his usual sarcastic, stoic manner. But neither Garrus' self-control, nor their biological differences could hide the fact that he was pleased.

Then they sat in silence, until Garrus took his hand off, the cheer of before vanishing in a flash. "I'm sorry, Tali."

"About what?" Tali asked, sniffling one last time, swallowing the tide of positive emotion from before, fluster rising to fill the gap.

"For pouring my crap on you. You have problems of your own… Even I can see that. I should have asked earlier."

At that, her head sunk low, the sudden spike of good mood evaporating immediately. Again Shepard forced himself back into her head, souring everything that had been very bright for a brief moment. "I… I don't want to talk about it, Garrus," she said quietly with shame. He had confided in her, but she just didn't feel like doing the same, living the painful event again. "At least not now…"

Third silence then followed, this one much more miserable than the last two. All Tali had managed to forget for a moment came back in a crushing manner, its enormous weight squashing her. Shepard, the Fleet, her father… Every problem, trouble, and dilemma she had came back to suffocate her… The depression returned, and again she almost felt overwhelmed by it all, could feel the pain wanting to surge through her eyes. She closed them and took a deep breath.

But feeling Garrus placing his hand back to her shoulder somehow eased the pain, dulled the head of this spike of torment… Somehow it made the world a bit brighter, knowing that someone cared.

"If I can help Tali… Just let me know," Garrus said softly, causing her eyes to open up again.

She stared at his black eyes, seeing how those strange bones in his jaw moved again in quick flickers, and she managed a smile. "I will."

"Tali! Garrus!" they heard a holler from behind them, both turning their heads to see Liara clearly distressed. "Please come with me. There is trouble."

"What's wrong? Are we under attack?" Garrus asked with his usual calm voice. The tiredness of late seemed to have disappeared, something that made Tali feel a bit better.

"No," Liara replied, shaking her head. "It is Wrex."

Tali blinked. Wrex?

A gunshot sounded soon after.

…

The gunshots got louder as they jogged towards the opposite end of the camp, seeing rest of the team – except Wrex – with the salarian captain. All were gazing at something, and when they got closer, they saw it too. It also explained the gunshots.

Wrex. He was at a distance, shooting at the water with his pistol, at times throwing glances at that cluster of people.

As they arrived, Tali let out a burst of questions. "What's wrong? What's with Wrex? Why is he there? What's going on?"

"A little difference of opinion," Kaidan muttered, giving Captain Kirrahe a glance of his own.

"What?"

Kirrahe inhaled loudly. "Saren has created a cure for the Genophage to breed an army of krogan. It must be destroyed."

"Wrex disagreed. To put it lightly," Ashley chimed in.

"A cure for the Genophage?" Garrus asked with unbelieving tone.

"Yes," Kirrahe replied, nodding his head. "And it must be destroyed. The krogan cannot be allowed to attack again."

"Captain Kirrahe made a remark with the words 'krogan' and 'mistake' in it," Kaidan cut in, giving him another glare. "I'm sure you can picture the rest."

"Ah… That," Garrus muttered, scraping his fringe in embarrassment. "I'm a bit familiar with that mistake too…"

_He sure __is__,_ Tali thought with a small grin. But this was not a grinning matter; Wrex seemed to be very upset. "What are we going to do?"

"Talk to him," now Shepard said, who had been silent the whole time, having just stared at Wrex. "All of us."

Tali saw the expressions around her tightening, could hear a few nervous huffs. Shepard turned around at that, his expression steely. "We're a damn team. We work together," he began, his facial muscles tense and bulging in his jaw as he gritted his teeth. "If we can't convince him that this is the way it has to be… We'll have to kill him."

Tali most definitely didn't like the sound that. She got along with Wrex – he had even saved her life more than once – and she didn't want to repay that to him by killing him. Despite the krogan's reputation as being selfish and callous, Wrex was neither of those things. He genuinely cared for his people, had tried to make things better for them. He didn't deserve to die like that, executed… He had actually made Tali thought if she had been wrong about krogan… If even some of them were like him, it was a wonder that they couldn't get along.

And, judging by the tone of Shepard's voice, neither did him.

Shepard's suddenly softened expression then confirmed that. "I don't want to kill him."

…

All six marched shoulder to shoulder towards the large lizard, who still kept trying to empty his gun into the ocean. As they got closer, he turned to confront them. "What? All came?"

Tali had never seen him like this. His eyes peered in a predatory fashion, like wondering who he should kill first. His eyes seemed to be even redder as usual, almost looking like they were burning. His brow was very heavy, an angry frown pulling it down, making him look particularly menacing.

And they had to convince him… Keelah Se'lai…

"We're a team. You're a part of this team," Shepard replied, his voice strict.

"Really?" Wrex snarled, revealing his large, yellow teeth, like some beast preparing to eat its prey. "The lines between friend and foe are getting real blurry from where I stand."

"That base needs to be destroyed. You know that," Shepard retorted with a pointed finger.

"What I know, Shepard, is that this is the salvation of my people. How can't you see that?" the large lizard growled in return.

"Salvation?" Kaidan jumped in. "Do you really think that Saren won't just cast your people aside when they've served their purpose?"

"Just like he did with Shiala," Liara added.

The krogan's eyes narrowed, weighing the two opposing biotics with his eyes. "That's the chance we should be willing to take. We're talking about the fate of my entire people in here!"

"So you're willing to sacrifice the rest of the galaxy for your people?" Garrus asked.

Wrex let out a quiet growl, and Tali saw many hands going to their pistol's handles; Garrus and Wrex weren't exactly best of friends. "You don't know anything, Vakarian. The rest of the galaxy has never done anything for the krogan. Salarians used us, and then the Council neutered us. Everyone just wishes us dead." he paused to growl. "Yet we're supposed to care about you?"

Tali had stayed quiet until now, not really knowing what to say… What could she say? What if she was given the choice between Rannoch and the rest of the galaxy, what would she pick? Would she sacrifice others for her people?

No, the answer came after a very short pondering. She wouldn't. She wouldn't let anyone get hurt even for her people; her people could find another way, but death was permanent.

Like Wrex's death was going to be if they couldn't figure something out quickly. If she couldn't.

She thought of the battles she had fought with Wrex, and finally managed to spit out something coherent. "We've fought together Wrex," she began, the krogan turning at her now. "Do you want to kill us?"

The krogan stared at her for a moment, his eyes reflecting the whirl of thought raging inside him.

"No," he said quietly after the moment, then – out of nowhere - drew his pistol, pointing it at Shepard. "But if you stand in my way I will."

Pistols of the team were immediately pointed back at him, some hesitating more than others; Kaidan, Tali and Liara being the last ones to point theirs at him. "Put the damn gun down. You can't win, Wrex," Shepard pointed out.

"Maybe not," Wrex growled, pointing his pistol at each of them in turn. "But I can take some of you with me. Do you want to take that risk, Shepard?"

Oh Keelah, the mantra rang inside Tali's head as he pointed his pistol at her. How could things get this bad? Tali didn't want to die, but neither did she want to kill Wrex. This wasn't right; Wrex was just trying to defend his people, like he always did. He didn't deserve to die like that… This was not the reason Tali was here!

But what could she say? Was there anything that could be said? She didn't know anything about krogan, about what their lives were like. Was their existence so miserable, that they would kill everyone else just to get rid of the cause for it? What could she say? She tried to rewind all the conversations she had with him to get at least some idea, but could find none…

Then, she remembered one phrase, one that Wrex himself had said. "Wrex," she began, the krogan's eyes turning at him. "You talk about the Genophage, yet you said that it is not what's killing you. You said that it's because of the selfishness and stupidity of others that things are so bad… Have you changed your mind?"

Wrex merely stared at her, not replying. The standout continued, until Shepard spoke, somehow following her trail of thought without a blink. "Like Jarrod?"

Wrex had told Shepard of Jarrod? Tali could see others looking at Shepard and Wrex in puzzlement too, probably due to not knowing who Jarrod was… But Wrex had told her, and had told Shepard. It made her feel slightly special.

The krogan felt something too; his eyes moved between Tali and Shepard, still unable to decide what to do. After a silence that felt like an eternity, he opened his large lips to speak. "The Genophage isn't helping."

"You care for your people Wrex," Tali repeated her thoughts of him from before. "Saren doesn't. You'd be just tools for him to cast aside. Is that what you want for people?"

Another silence followed, this one just as pressing as the last, this one also seeming to last forever. Wrex's eyes kept moving between all of them, between their weapons. Tali could feel her finger gripping onto the trigger more tightly, fearing his answer.

And Wrex gave his answer.

"No," he finally muttered. "We were tools once, and all that got for us was the Genophage. I doubt Saren will be as generous."

At that, his head lowered, his pistol following. Soon after, Shepard lowered his as well, the rest of the team following their leader's example. "Thanks, Wrex," Shepard said quietly with a nod.

Wrex didn't reply, just turned away, staring at the horizon "If we're doing this, then let's do it."

…

Oh Keelah… That was now done, and it had even worked out rather well. Tali didn't know how that was even possible, but they had just managed to persuade a krogan to destroy the cure for the Genophage. This team sure could do the impossible.

"Damn Tali, you should be a lawyer," Ashley said cheerfully, paddling her on her shoulder.

"Well said, Chief," Kaidan then added. "And nicely done Tali," he continued, giving her a pat to the back as well.

"Thanks," she muttered, feeling the continuous compliments reddening her face. "I really didn't do anything…"

It had only been a minute since the situation was solved, and the team had started towards the Captain again. Tali received several more pats or paddles on the way from Garrus and Liara, furthering her discomfort.

She didn't like compliments, which was why she liked Shepard's way of expressing gratitude the most; he simply nodded and smiled at her… She liked that, remembering how she had told him she didn't like compliments or being put on a pedestal over others. And apparently he remembered too…

At least some of her exchanges with him were pleasant.

But the rest of her thoughts weren't.

He knew what things were important to her, yet still seemed to disregard them… Did he really think that it was too dangerous, or did he just not care?

He'd lied to her before about wanting to do that, so maybe he lied now too? Maybe he couldn't find her attractive?

What about the love confession? Was that a lie too? If yes, then why had he lied?

Or was everything he said just true? Was he just scared for her? But if she wasn't, why should he be scared?

Things were always so difficult.

She glanced behind her, seeing Wrex still standing at the exact same spot as before, still staring at the ocean's horizon. At least Wrex was still alive; it brought her some joy… She still hadn't really asked him about leaving Tuchanka… Maybe she should?

They reached the Captain, who seemed very surprised that everyone was still standing, remarking on that. After that, Shepard and he started discussing the plan of attack, Tali not really listening to them, just staring at Wrex, pondering on their future exchanges. After a moment of such, a phrase caught her attention.

"Which makes my request even harder. I need one of your team to assist us," Kirrahe said.

Tali span around, staring at Shepard's tense face. "I don't really like that idea."

"And I am sorry to ask such, but it must be done," Kirrahe retorted. "We need another squad leader."

"I'll volunteer, Commander," Alenko said.

"Commander needs you to set up the nuke, LT. I'm going," Williams then argued.

Now Tali felt stupid for not listening. What nuke?

"It's not your decision, Chief," Alenko retorted strictly.

"Neither is it yours," Ashley snapped back.

"Children, children," Shepard chastised them both, shaking his head slightly. "Play nice."

"Either one will do, Commander," Kirrahe said. "Both are capable and willing to risk their lives."

Tali's eyes jumped from Kaidan to Ashley to Shepard and then back. She really had no idea what was going on, but this seemed to be very important... Tali felt incredibly stupid for not having listened, scowled at herself.

And Shepard made the decision of unknown importance to Tali. "Williams. You are with the Captain. Don't do anything stupid."

"Aye-aye, Commander," Ashley acknowledged, making a face at Alenko, who crossed his arms and frowned. But smiled.

…

So Ashley Williams would go with the salarians to divert the geth's attention, while Shepard and the rest of the team would infiltrate the base. Then they would leave a nuke at the heart of the Saren's facility, and destroy it.

It sounded like a suicide mission for the salarians… Yet they didn't seem to care much. Tali couldn't help but admire them; she was scared over her team's part, and it wasn't nearly as dangerous as theirs.

Before Williams left with the salarians, she shook hands with each member of the team, even Garrus' and Wrex's, of whom she really didn't like. Tali could maybe understand her; the first contact for humans with another sentient race had been through war with the turians… It could explain Williams' hesitancy to trust aliens, but it seemed more personal… Tali would finally ask her when they got back to the Normandy…

If Williams came back.

Tali shook such things from her head quickly; Williams wasn't gonna die, like Wrex didn't die either.

Now she stood before Tali, offering her hand. And Tali quickly shook it. "Good luck, Chief Williams."

"Just Ash, Tali," Williams said with a grin. "And I hope I don't need luck…"

"Yes… So do I," Tali replied with a smile of her own.

The salarians – along with Williams – dispersed into three directions, and Shepard's team was the only one remaining, left standing to watch in the wake of the others.

…


	20. Virmire, Part 2

**Hola! Sorry it took a while to compose this, but I had a bit of a block.**

**WARNING: This chapter can be a bit racy... Nothing explicit, but still felt like giving a warning.**

* * *

How could this happen?

Tali kept staring at the roof of her sleeping pod, like already she had for hours and hours. She still couldn't quite understand what had happened, still couldn't quite comprehend it. How could it happen?

She felt confused, for she felt nothing, nothing at all. It was like she was hollow, like there was nothing in her. Like her emotions had been stripped away from her, like she was merely a shell. She just couldn't understand what had happened. Tali had felt the feeling before, right when her mother had died. It was that same indifference and disinterest again.

It was shock.

Just emptiness.

Thinking of what had happened didn't make her feel sorrow, didn't make her cry out in pain. "It happens... It's just too bad…" she muttered quietly to herself. The only thing she felt was indifference, disinterest. Disconnection. It was like her mind was torn off from her body, like they were forcibly separated. She felt like an outsider, watching her body scurry around, watching her body do things. Watching, not interacting.

She wasn't sure how long had passed since they escaped the blast on Virmire, but it felt like an eternity. They hadn't even held their usual debriefing, everyone had just dispersed right after to contemplate on their failure. She had walked like an automaton to her sleeping pod, closed its lid, and just laid there ever since. She had just stared at the orange dome over her.

Maybe this was just a dream? It sure felt unreal. Tali often felt like an observer in her dreams, someone who couldn't interfere, but simply look. It was exactly what she felt now too…

At some point she had started to wonder if that person had even ever existed. Maybe she had only imagined it all? Maybe she was still at the Flotilla, waiting for her Pilgrimage to begin?

But dreams were unclear, hazy, and there was no such haziness, things weren't unclear. In dreams, one always starts from the middle, not knowing how you got there. She knew how she was here.

It wasn't a dream.

But if it wasn't a dream, it had to be real.

With that, came the realization. It was real. All of it had happened just a few hours ago. Someone was dead, was never coming back. "Oh…" she gasped quietly, as something very powerful ravaged through her, tensing her whole body.

She had thought she'd felt pain before with Shepard and all, but it couldn't even compare.

It hurt so much.

She squeezed her eyes shut as hard as she could, her eyelids pushing the tears out of her eyes. They traced along the few lines on her face, some of them ending up in her mouth, making her taste the salt. Some trickled all along her face, landing on somewhere on her mask.

She pleaded with all her heart for this to end, for this pain to stop. But it just wouldn't stop.

It worsened, when she recalled his voice.

"_Take care, Tali."_

His last words.

Kaidan was dead.

She would never see him again.

…

Tali didn't know how long had passed, how long she had just laid there and waited for the pain to stop. It didn't stop, and she just cried her misery. She missed him so much already.

He had always treated her fairly, had always been good to her. He had helped her back up when she had fallen down; both metaphorically and literally. He was her friend, he always understood, always tried to help. He was a good man.

And now he was dead. That's all he got. He didn't deserve to die. Not like this, not exploding along with those robot monsters. Not like that, nor in any other way.

He was a good man, yet nothing good ever seemed to find him. It was unfair, so damn unfair.

Tali wished there was someone she could blame for all that, blame for the treatment Kaidan got. She wanted to kill that person, make him suffer.

But there was no one.

Shepard had made the call, but Tali couldn't blame him. It was either Kaidan or Ashley, and Shepard had chosen Ashley, to make sure the rest could get away.

Then something struck her; if she felt like this, what did Shepard feel?

"Oh Keelah..." she groaned, as the thought hit her. She couldn't even imagine what he was going through, what he could be thinking. Tali sobbed quietly as the thoughts of him in pain took her over.

Then, without even thinking it further, she opened her pod, jumped out, and started towards John's cabin.

She had to be there.

...

Tali stopped in front of his door. She sniffled one last time and cleared her throat to make her teary voice even audible. Then she pressed the buzzer.

"Yeah?" she heard Shepard's quiet, tired voice. The monitor next to the door stayed turned off, and Tali imagined that John didn't want to see anybody. Or anybody to see him.

"It's Tali," she muttered her reply, sniffling afterwards.

There was no answer. Tali kept waiting for the door to open, but nothing happened. Both the monitor and the door remained shut.

Didn't he even want to see her? The thought made her groan weakly. "Please, John..." she murmured quietly, sniffling again. "I need to see you..."

She felt tears again trickling down her face, making her curse the mask; her face was damp, her eyes swollen from crying, her nose filled with her tears,rasping when she draw breath. She wanted to wipe her face, blow her nose, yet couldn't. Just unfeeling, mechanical buzz as her suit began to dry itself. The suit disgusted her.

Then the door opened, revealing the Captain's cabin. The irritation disappeared and she stepped in, seeing Shepard laying on his bed, his legs hanging over the edge. He still had his boots on, and his suit of armor lay on the floor in pieces. He didn't get up to greet her, just kept staring at the ceiling.

She walked to him, sat down at the bed, then fell down next to him. She snuggled under his arm, and started sobbing quietly again. Neither spoke for a while, both just laid there next to one another. She didn't know what to say, so she didn't.

Then he did.

"I left him to die," he muttered quietly.

"Don't say that," Tali shot back immediately, turning her head to face him.

He wouldn't face her. "It's the truth."

"It's not," Tali snapped quietly. "Please don't say that."

Now his head turned at her, and Tali saw his red-rimmed, swollen eyes, saw how they still shimmered brightly. With a sniffle, he sat up straight and buried his face in his hands, his jaw bulging as he grit his teeth.

Tali put her hand on his shoulder, and gently began caressing his upper back. What was she supposed to say? What could she say? Did humans have something they said to each other in times like this? Quarians sure as hell didn't.

There was nothing she could say. Words wouldn't help. She felt so damn helpless, not being able to do anything... Like putting her hand on his shoulder was going to help! She felt her temper starting to heat up, and she fought with clenched teeth to keep it in check. This wasn't the time for childish outbursts.

After a small moment, his face resurfaced from under his palms, his chin now resting on his hands. "Why did you come, Tali?" he asked quietly.

She blinked. "Because I care about you... And I don't want to see you hurt."

He snorted quietly, his jaw bulging again. "Weird... Since I hurt you."

The memory of his rejection surfaced. "I..." Tali's hand dropped, her gaze fell from him. She sat slumped on the bed, not really knowing what to say. She wanted to deny that, but sometimes she did feel like hurting him. Hurt him as much as he hurt her. But she didn't really mean that, she didn't really want anything like this to happen...

She didn't want Kaidan to die.

And again tears began falling down on her face, again she started sobbing.

She felt his arm wrapping around her, pulling her closer. She put her arms around him in turn, burying her face into his shoulder. He held her in his arms, gently stroking her back.

Then suddenly he spoke, "Kaidan came to see me about that."

Tali blinked in surprise."S-sorry?" she murmured, her voice muffled against his chest.

"He told me you were crying in your sleeping pod."

He had talked to him? About her? That gave her... mixed feelings. To put it lightly.

She felt both very violated and very loved; Kaidan had invaded her privacy, but he had only wanted to help her.

If he had asked her if he should talk to John... Tali wasn't sure what she would have answered.

But Kaidan always wanted to help. One didn't have to ask...

"He asked me what happened..." Shepard continued quietly, since Tali stayed quiet. "And I told him..."

Tali pulled away from him, his arm falling from around her.

Staring at his hands clasped in front of him, he took a wavering breath. "And he told me that I was an idiot."

She remained silent, her gaze falling as well. She had often thought that too.

"He said you deserved better, how you're unique..." he said, then let out a shaking sigh. "Which is true."

Tali just sat slumped next to him, silent tears falling as Kaidan again crept into her thoughts. But she still didn't understand what he was saying, what he really meant. Why was he telling her this? "I... I-I don't understand..."

"I'm selfish," he answered. "Most of the times I can accept that, but..." he trailed off, a single tear trickling down his cheek. "But now it hurt you."

"I... I-I still d-don't understand," Tali stuttered with her teary, broken voice

"I don't want to get hurt..." he murmured in shame, another tear falling down. "I don't want you to die..."

At that moment, she understood. Understood why he had acted the way he had. He was scared. Scared for her, and for himself.

How couldn't she have seen that? Maybe she wasn't concerned over what might happen to her, but he clearly was. What if she was killed? What would happen to John?

She had been stupid, putting him on the spot like that... She had pressured him, expected him to do what she had wanted. It wasn't just stupid, it was wrong.

It wasn't about what he wanted, it was about what she did.

Now she realized that...

She gently took his hand in hers, gently caressing his fingers. "If you don't want to..."

Suddenly he grabbed a hold of her wrist, squeezing it very hard. She blinked in surprise, but didn't pull her hand away. His grip hurt, but somehow it also felt good. His eyes wandered on her body, from her legs all the way to her face. "I always want you," he said, his voice now sounding very strong. It sent shivers down her spine.

Then he grabbed her thigh with his other hand, clasping it hard as well. She forgot the sorrow as adrenaline surged into her veins, making her heart race. His grip hurt, yet it felt good. Tali took him by the arm, not to push him away, but to pull him closer.

His hand moved along her thigh as she draw him closer, reaching her waist. His touch made her quiver, and she moaned quietly as his fingers reached her abdomen. She found herself clutching at his arm, as his hand traveled along her body, towards her chest.

When his fingers reached her breasts, she grabbed his shoulder and pulled him down on the bed. He fell down, and she immediately pounced on him.

She grinned at his surprised expression, and began leaning closer to him.

She felt his hands sliding along her thighs as she descended, felt them reach her behind. Now their faces almost touched and her mouth opened slightly, ready to touch his...

But when John's nose hit the visor, the reality struck hard.

Both realized that there was the visor in between them, realized that she was still in her suit.

And realized that they couldn't do this now.

"Um..." Tali mumbled, biting her lip in embarrassment. Her entire body had felt like it had been on fire a moment ago, but now only her face flared. "I... I can't..."

"Right. The suit," Shepard muttered, breaking eye-contact, and Tali felt his hands letting go of her.

"Yes..."

They exchanged disappointed, frustrated looks before Tali got up and sat back down on the bed. John followed her example, and again they sat side by side.

John clasped his hands together, lowering his gaze back to the floor. "Sorry."

Sorry? That's not what Tali felt.

Part of her just wanted to smash the visor and kiss him. She wanted to feel her heart pumping like it did, wanted to feel her pulse racing. She wanted to feel his touch, feel his lips pressing against hers, pressing against her body. Wanted to feel her body pressing against his...

But another part of her realized how dangerous that would be now, with no preparation, no right supplies... And that made it all sound very clinical and appalling.

Even so, the desire to touch him wasn't going away.

She desperately wanted to feel good.

Then another thought soured it all; this happened because of Kaidan. Because both of them wanted to feel good, to have something else to think about but him... This felt wrong. She didn't want it to be like this... Not just some simple pleasure, not just as a way of escaping.

But a part of her didn't care. A large part.

"I...It'll take a bit of time before I can... you know..." Tali muttered quietly as she regained her ability to speak, embarrassed at her... shortcomings. "I need a few things..." She gave him a careful look before adding, "If you still want to... I mean..."

As he turned to look at her, his eyes seemed to flare up again. His stare made her blush, made her heart pound furiously again. She could hear her pulse racing in her ears again.

"A bit?" he asked, still staring.

"Not long," she gasped quietly, her head flooding with risqué thoughts. "I promise..."

"Easy to make, hard to keep." His eyes wandered, clearly sharing her thoughts.

"This one isn't..." she assured, both to him and to herself. She needed to find all the things she needed very quickly. She didn't want to stay away for long, couldn't stay away. Not after this... She just wanted more.

But then their eyes met, and most of that energy vanished. Shepard smiled at her, and wrapped his arm around her in a gentle hug.

She put her head on his shoulder.

And they sat.


	21. Virmire, Part 3

"Where's Ashley?" Shepard asked as he put his tray on the table, sitting down at his seat opposite to Tali.

"No idea, Commander," Garrus answered from his right, ponderously spooning some turian stew into his mouth.

Tali twiddled a tube of nutrient paste in her fingers, staring longingly at the delicious contents of Garrus' plate. Eating was probably the only thing aboard the Normandy she didn't like. It wasn't because of the paste – she'd gotten used to it years ago at the Fleet – but the fact that she was the only person who couldn't actually eat. Sure, she did 'eat' the paste, but one couldn't actually call it 'eating' in the traditional sense. She would just stick the tube into her mask, and it would feed her. It made her feel like a freak.

"Anyone seen her?" Tali heard Shepard asking again, and quiet murmurs of denial filled the air. "Shit," the Commander hissed as he collapsed onto his chair, tossing his head back.

"I think I saw her yesterday," Wrex admitted from Tali's right, opposite to Garrus. He dropped his small spoon into his share of the stew, and stared at it with disinterest.

"I've been looking for her for days now," Shepard snapped, glaring at Wrex. "Why in a hell didn't you say so?" he demanded, scowling at the large beast at Tali's side.

Wrex's eyes narrowed, returning the glare. "You didn't ask."

Shepard's jaw bulged as he grit his teeth in anger, his eyes now light with fire. He looked like he was going to explode right now, right there. The sound of his fist hitting the table was loud, and everyone flinched in surprise. The blow shook the table, the trays and plates on it, making his and Garrus' water spill over. He then leaned forward, towards Wrex in a silent scowl. "Even with as small brain as your species have, I'm sure you could have figured that out without me telling you that. Idiot."

A very uncomfortable silence spread over to the table, and Tali found herself twiddling the tube in her fingers again in both discomfort and very nervous anticipation. She carefully tried to take a quick glance at the krogan next to her to gauge his reaction, readying herself to separate the two if this came to blows. Her body tensed and her hands curled up in fists as she waited.

She sighed in relief as she realized she wouldn't have to. Wrex stared back at Shepard for a moment, then dropped his gaze, picked up his spoon, and resumed eating. Shepard leaned back, pushed himself away from the table and stood up. After taking a few steps towards his own cabin, he turned back to the table, staring at something at Tali's left. "Get that damn chair out of here," he growled, starting towards his quarters again.

The four remaining members of the team continued eating in uncomfortable silence, none of them looking at each other. Tali wondered if she should go to him, but pretty quickly realized that she wouldn't be much help,not in his current state of mind anyway. They would most likely just fight.

"He seems rather tense," Liara remarked from her corner of the table.

"Nothing escapes you, Doctor," Garrus muttered.

Their exchange ended there, and Tali's attention turned to John's words, the ones concerning the chair on her left. It had been Kai-

She stopped herself right there. She couldn't think of him now, this wasn't the time to start crying again. He was not coming back, no matter how much she wished it. He was gone forever. And now she was thinking about him! Damn it... Gritting her teeth, keeping her eyes closed, she felt a tear trickling down her cheek. She sniffled quietly, barely audibly, but in the silence of the table it was still very loud. Tali felt the eyes of the entire table turning to her, watching her. She felt angry. Didn't she have the right to mourn her friend! "What are you looking at?" she snapped, and the gazes of the others fell back to their plates.

And another moment of uncomfortable silence followed.

"S-should we take the..." Liara started hesitantly, perhaps trying to avoid inquiring anyone's wrath. "...the chair somewhere?"

Everyone stayed quiet, and after a moment, Liara's head drooped back down, clearly hurt that everyone had ignored her.

Tali slowly rose, and lifted the chair up. "I'll take it," she muttered quietly, feeling obliged to do so due to her childish outburst a second ago. It wasn't their fault she was upset, and she shouldn't treat her friends like that... Then she sighed wearily to herself; she was very good at making herself feel guilty about everything... Just a small thing she did wrong, and it could almost completely ruin her day...

Tali started towards the elevator, dragging the chair with her.

…

But where should she put it? Tali had taken the elevator down a floor, to the engineering deck, but still didn't know where to put the damn thing. To the drive core room? No, it would be in the way. To the CIC? Definitely no, it would be in the way even more... To the storage room? Nope, definitely in the way. Deciding to give up – at least for the moment – she put the chair down and sat on it. Leaning forward, resting her head on her palms, she sighed. They had saved the colony on Feros – well, some of it, anyway – killed countless rachni on Noveria, rescued Liara from an erupting volcano, and destroyed Saren's cloning facility. They had done the impossible countless times, but now this chair seemed to defeat her.

Well, the chair couldn't actually take all the credit of that... One human man however could. That bosh'tet...Why did he have to die? Why couldn't he have survived? Why had he activated that bomb?

Why wasn't he alive...? At that, she felt tears streaming down her face again, like so many days before. Why did he have to make her feel like this? Why couldn't he be here?

Tali remembered him setting off the bomb, forcing Shepard to choose between him and Ashley. Tali recalled a strong desire to hurt him for doing such a thing, for playing a damn hero... For leaving all of them to fight this fight... She sniffled, and bit her lip. She missed him very much, and he had only been gone for days. She hadn't even had a chance to say goodbye to him, had only managed a weak mutter of his name...

She sniffled again. Sometimes she wished he hadn't set off the bomb, that they would have tried to save them both and die. It would have made things a lot easier. It wasn't that she wanted to die – she very much didn't – but this current outcome wasn't all that desirable either. The Normandy just seemed so very empty without him.

Everything after that was unclear, much like on Feros... She remembered Kaidan's words_ 'Take care, Tali' - _a reply to her muttering of his name -and that was about it. She remembered Garrus pulling her from the arm, bruising it under his tight grip. The bruise on it was similar to those on her leg and wrist, courtesy of certain events in John's quarters... Events. That sounded more than what had actually happened, but it still made her smile, if only briefly. Had it been too much? Had she been too... eager? She had jumped on him, for ancestors sake! Keelah... Suddenly a faint sense of embarrassment rose to her face, making it shine purple. Just one touch, and she'd gone crazy. It was embarrassing, she didn't want him to think that she was... easy. It wasn't like that! She wasn't! It was just the suit! It was because of this piece of fabric and tubes that she acted the way she had, not because she was... easy. Tali wasn't sure why she was even thinking about this, and the monologue in her head was starting to sound like self-assurance.

She wasn't easy. She was just...chained. Chained by her immune system, chained by her suit. And suddenly she had been set free by his touch, for nobody had ever touched her like that, not with such passion... Someone wanted her, saw her. Not as a friend, but as a woman. It was new and exciting, and she found herself enjoying the sensation very much, but she just didn't want to give out any false impressions... That wasn't what she was, who she was.

Suddenly she realized how disgusting this entire scene was.

She sat on Kaidan's chair and thought about her petty problems. What was wrong with her? Kaidan was dead, and he should occupy her thoughts, not these... stupid insecurities of hers. Shepard haunted her thoughts, not Kaidan, and it was wrong. It was all wrong.

She was abruptly pulled away from her somber thoughts by a loud _clang_. It was like something hard striking against metal, the sound echoing in the empty garage. Her head shot up, but she couldn't pinpoint the noise's location. She heard the voice again, and realized that it was coming from inside the Mako. She got up and started towards the large vehicle, curious to find out the source of this racket. It had torn her away from her daydreams, and Tali at least wished to know what it was. She climbed on top of the large vehicle and due to some sudden burst of idiotry glanced down, immediately regretting doing so. Her heart jumped to her throat as she again realized height of the Mako, and how she never had gotten used to high places. She measured the distance to the floor with her eyes, and felt terror creeping down her spine. Swallowing her fears, she turned to the hatch and reached for it. She wrapped her fingers around the handle, turned it, and pulled. The round scuttle opened with a soft creek, revealing the dark interior. Tali carefully lowered herself through it, and entered the Mako.

The interior was very dark, almost pitch black, and Tali had to activate her suit's night vision feature to see anything. And she definitely saw something.

"Keelah," she muttered, and suddenly was blinded by light. The lights of the Mako enhanced by her suit's light amplifier was too much for her eyes, and she squeezed them shut instinctively."Keelah!"she repeated herself, this time yelling. Slightly panicking by the sudden pain in her eyes, her left hand fumbled for the button to shut the night vision off, while her right reflexively tried to cover her eyes. As her hand found the button, the darkness returned.

When she opened her eyes, she saw Chief Williams standing before her, her haggard face looking worried. "Jesus Tali! Whatta hell are you sneaking around here for?"

Tali's eyes blinked rapidly as they tried their best to adapt to these violent changes of brightness, and her sight blurred as they watered. "I heard sounds coming from here," she muttered, her head throbbing, her eyes still hurting "I didn't mean to frighten you..."

"Yeah," Williams said with a sigh, sitting down on a bench right behind her. It was probably where she had sat when Tali had dropped in. "Thought it was Shepard or someone, and that it would be easier for them if I turned the lights on," Williams explained, her soldiery bearing and posture all but gone. "Sorry," she added apologetically.

"I think I'll survive," Tali said cheerfully, faking a smile. Williams glanced up at her and flashed a tired one of her own. Now Tali noticed how horrible she looked; her eyes were red-rimmed with large black circles surrounding them; her skin was so pale that it made her look more like a quarian than a human, and her cheekbones protruded from under her shallow skin, making her look like a living dead. "Keelah," she muttered again, wondering if she had spent all these days in here. It definitely seemed like that, considering how she looked. Tali had always thought that Chief Williams was rather beautiful, even if she didn't make it easy to see, for she never wore make-up and always had her hair tied in a simple ponytail. Tali couldn't sometimes understand it. Quarian women – even soldiers – were always very feminine. They couldn't use make-up to make themselves look more presentable, so they used the suits. Women could use fabrics to emulate hair, to bring out or accentuate the features of their bodies, and most importantly; make themselves look unique. It would be quite hard to differentiate individuals if everyone looked the same, after all, so they personalized their suits in ways they wished to. Often these personalizations were just as beautiful and aesthetically pleasing as any outfit worn by any other race.

But Williams' beauty was now even harder to see than before. "John is looking for you," Tali said, trying to start from somewhere.

Ashley's head pop up and she blinked, like not knowing who she meant at first. "You mean Shepard?" She gave Tali a strange look, as if it was strange to call him by his first name.

"Yes."

After staring for a second, Williams' head drooped back down.

"Have you sit here all this time, Chief Williams?" Tali continued when it became clear that Ashley wasn't going to answer.

"I told you to call me Ash, Tali," Williams snapped, glaring at Tali from under her brow.

Feeling quite flustered at her outburst, Tali's fingers immediately began fidgeting nervously against each other like they always did. Her gaze dropped slightly, and she bit her lower lip in discomfort. Did it feel like this to others when they talked to her and she lost her temper? She'd hate to think so. "Sorry."

Williams sighed quietly, and gave Tali a weary look. "No... I'm sorry," she said quietly, and Tali smiled at her gently. Williams then gestured her to sit down at her opposite, causing Tali to turn over and see the bench behind her. She quickly closed the distance between it and herself, then carefully sat down on it, trying her best not to make any noise, fearing that it might agitate or bother Ashley even further. "And I don't remember Tali..."

Tali assumed she meant that as an answer for her question, so Tali smiled at her sympathetically. "Do you want to talk?" she asked sincerely.

Ashley immediately turned away from Tali, her face distorted. "Talking doesn't help," she muttered weakly, with a shaky voice.

"I know."

Both sat silently for a moment, Tali hearing Ashley's wavery sigh. "Why didn't he choose Kaidan?" Ashley asked, Tali unsure whether it was directed at her or simply rhetorical. "Why did he have to choose me?"

Tali watched helplessly as her comrade fought against the tears. She felt a similar sensation creeping out from the center of her being, bursting out through her eyes as tears as well. Tali definitely knew how she felt, yet didn't. She had lost a friend as well, true, but she wasn't the reason he was dead. What would she feel if something like that happened, if someone saved her and left someone else to die in return? What would she feel? Guilt, the most horrible guilt. She would most likely feel like ending her life, and that thought brought up a disturbing idea; Tali wondered if Williams had had such intentions as well. Her eyes started to scan the interior, trying to find any instruments capable of aiding Ashley in such a deed. The only weapon she noticed was the pistol in Williams' cargo pants' pocket. Tali could imagine her holding the gun to her temple, pondering whether or not she should pull the trigger and end it all.

If she had, then Tali was happy with the decision she had made. The last thing they needed was someone else dying.

She got up from her seat and walked to Ashley, who still kept her head turned away, avoiding Tali's gaze. Tali knelt down at the floor before her, and carefully wrapped her arms around her. Williams didn't protest, but neither did she hug her back. She just sat rigidly at her spot, as if oblivious to Tali's touch. But after a moment, Williams acknowledged her by laying her head down on Tali's shoulder.

Neither spoke, but Tali heard her quietly sniffling. Her sniffs turned to sobs, and Williams wrapped her arms around Tali as well. They hugged each other for who knows how long, when Williams pulled away, not bothering to wipe away her tears. She held Tali's hands in hers, and smiled at her. "I haven't heard anyone call Shepard by his first name..." she said thoughtfully. "I guess that means you and him are a thing?"

"I..." Tali started, breaking eye-contact. "You... you didn't know?"

"I'm just glad someone's happy," Williams said raspingly.

Tali's head surged back up, and they exchanged smiles.

Then they hugged again.


	22. Disappointment

**Sorry for taking so long... Not much else I can say.**

* * *

Tali'Zorah felt useless. Useless and nervous. Shepard had been gone for about half an hour now – too long – and her nervousness seemed to increase tenfold with each passing second. She didn't like to be nervous, didn't like this upsetting feeling in the bottom of her stomach, which was beginning to make her feel nauseous. And Tali didn't like to feel nauseous and when something happened that she didn't like - when something brought her discomfort - even the small amounts of self-control she sometimes exhibited became almost non-existent. She tapped the mess hall's table with her index finger, her head resting on her palm. She counted the seconds, the minutes that she spent in this ever more annoying silence. Tali wondered how long it would take until her fuse would go off, and she would slam her fist onto the table in a similar fashion Shepard had just a few days ago. She definitely didn't like waiting.

An exasperated sigh sounded off from Tali's left, her eyes turning to that person. Garrus. "Stop that," he said right after.

It took Tali a moment to realize that he was talking to her. "Stop what?"

"Tapping the table with your finger."

"Sorry," she muttered, obliging. Then she quickly drifted back to her thoughts, most of them consisting of various curses directed at this idleness. She definitely didn't like this. And why had Garrus remarked about her finger? Was it really bothering him, or was he just looking for an excuse to complain? He often did so, looked for ways to annoy her, to make her explode. And when she did, he would run away - the coward he was – and have her chase after him, swinging her fists in anger. Not lately though, not after Kaidan's… demise. The Normandy had been very much less fun afterwards, and Tali actually couldn't recall having smiled even once after his passing. Now she was beginning to feel one creeping up onto her face though, especially when she thought about Garrus and his mischievousness. He always tried his best to annoy her, and it had been that way ever since they first met. He had truly angered her by mentioning the geth, about how the quarians should be 'properly contrite' about 'letting the geth break free'. But his teasing could hardly be called similar to that now, for it felt a lot friendlier, good-natured in fact.

"You're doing it again," Garrus voiced again, snapping this time, glaring at her.

His voice made Tali realize that again she was tapping the table with her finger, which – apparently – seemed to annoy Garrus a great deal. "Sorry," Tali apologized again. "I didn't notice."

"I'm sure," Garrus said with a dismissive glance.

"I said I didn't notice," Tali retorted, her short temper now starting to flare up. She was surprised that it took this long.

"Well, it's annoying," Garrus replied calmly, his demeanor almost completely opposite to Tali's fiery disposition.

"Like everything that comes out of your mouth?" Tali asked snidely, her bright, glaring eyes shining through her visor. Then a low, grumbling chuckle vibrated the air, the source of it obviously being Wrex.

Garrus turned to face him as well and gave him a quick glare, a fact that seemed to amuse Wrex even more. "To you, maybe," Garrus replied, his eyes still lingering on the krogan. "Everything's kinda annoying to you."

"Really?" Tali asked mockingly, crossing her arms and tilting her head. "And I suppose you stealing my omni-tool and filling it with spam mail isn't annoying?"

"Wait... Filled with spam?" Ashley jumped in, staring at Garrus with suspicion. "That was you?"

Garrus began to squirm deliberately, managing to look even more guilty. Tali grinned at the silly turian, starting to feel her annoyance slipping away. "Maybe," he admitted mischievously.

"I have received several messages as well, those concerning of...um," Liara then joined in. "Embracing certain things..."

A sudden silence fell into the mess hall, and it quickly turned awkward. Tali began tapping the table with her finger again, desperately trying to divert her thoughts away from Garrus' 'activities' with Liara's omni-tool. Her efforts to do so were however futile, and she slowly began to cringe.

"I didn't do that," Garrus insisted, gazing at others, as if his eying could somehow assure them of his innocence. "Seriously!"

But his attempts were met with an incredulous silence.

"A question for Mr. Extranet," Williams then began, looking at Garrus while grinning. "Why didn't you use your own tool to... uh... to do whatever it was that you did?"

"I haven't done anything," Garrus kept insisting. "I don't know why Liara's omni-tool is full of those things. Maybe she got them there herself?"

"I do not frequent those kinds of sites," Liara replied with her serene voice.

A low growl interrupted the argument, and the eyes of all turned to the large krogan. "You better leave my omni-tool alone, Vakarian," Wrex grumbled ominously, his eyes narrowing. "If you know what's good for you."

Garrus didn't reply, just stared defiantly back at Wrex, whose snarl revealed his large, blunt teeth. Despite – or perhaps because of it – he looked especially menacing now, but Garrus didn't flinch. He never did. Tali bit her lip nervously as she watched her two squadmates locked in a staredown again, still the reason for this foolish animosity escaping her. She couldn't understand why they didn't just make up? Did they prefer it this way? Did they like this hostility? They acted like children, for ancestors' sake! And again Tali felt like their keeper. "I think it's Mr. Extranet from now on," she joked, trying to turn their attention elsewhere.

Williams gave Tali a quick glance and winked, like understanding her intentions. "Hell yeah," she yawled.

Garrus turned away from his krogan nemesis and rolled his eyes at the both them. "Laugh it up. I'm a real riot," he muttered, leaning onto the table with a sour look on his face. It caused both Ashley and Tali to snicker. Their glee was short-lived, for they heard the elevator arriving to the floor. All – wondering and hoping that it was Shepard – turned to that direction, and out of the elevator and into their line of sight the Commander walked.

But he didn't stop, just kept marching forward, an extremely displeased look on his face. The door to his quarters opened, and he stormed in. Tali could easily picture him slamming the door shot behind him, if a such a thing was possible, that is.

The squad turned away from his door, all looking rather dumb-struck.

"That must've gone well," Ashley remarked sardonically.

…

The door to Shepard's quarters swung open, revealing the man sitting on his bed, head hanging and back hunched. He looked beaten, defeated, and it made Tali wonder what had happened over there? What had the Council done now? Not anything right, that was certain, because they never did anything right! They always just hindered and hampered John's progress. This fine man, who did everything for them – and asking nothing in return – they treated this way, like he was just some annoyance to be brushed aside. Why did they have to be so stupid, so incompetent? Or were they? What if they just despised humans? What if they just didn't want to listen to him because of that? To deny humans any more power? That was just complete stupidity! How could they… That just didn't make any sense! Stupid politics getting in the way…

She walked to him, sat down next to him, and then put her hand on top of his. Shepard didn't move, didn't speak, just sat there like he was frozen. "What did the Council say?" Tali asked, trying to gauge his reaction. His face was all but stone.

"What do they ever…" he muttered quietly.

"Nothing good then…" Tali joined his muttering.

Shepard glanced at her and snorted in slight amusement. "They put the Citadel Fleet in full alert," he said bitterly. "And when I told them that we should go to Ilos… they, uh… They kinda locked the Normandy down."

Tali gazed at him, blinking. "What?" she exclaimed unbelievingly. They couldn't just do that! Ground a Spectre! "Are you joking?"

Shepard turned to look at her, pouting very clearly. "Yes."

Tali stood up, feeling like doing that. She wasn't sure why, but she just wanted to do something… Not just sit there like a fool. "We can't just… We can't just give up, Shepard!"

Shepard wove his hands before him, as if cuffed. "I'm kinda tied-up."

"I…I…" Tali stammered, trying her best to talk back at him. She was usually very good at that, but now seemed to have forgotten that particular skill. "Don't just sit there! Do something!" she snapped at him, feeling foolish immediately. That would help.

He sat still and snapped his fingers, Tali staring at him curiously. "There. I did something."

"That's not funny," she replied, but couldn't hide her amusement. Her helmet could hide her smile and her laughing eyes, but not her voice.

"Then why are you laughing?" Shepard asked with a smirk on his face, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm laughing at you, not with you," Tali said, crossing her arms and tilting her head, still smiling though.

Shepard didn't answer, staring at her in feigned misery, his eyes still laughing. Those very blue and pale eyes of his… The color reminded her of steel, not because his eyes were hard or unyielding – they were, but that wasn't the point – but because the color was beautiful. Light blue, like the sky. She had felt like drowning into them before, and did so now as well... She felt the world fading away …

"I think your eyes are pretty," she said very softly, completely out of the blue. Shepard's eyebrows shot up, and Tali felt her cheeks blushing at her social clumsiness, her head diving down. She didn't know why she had said it, why she had made such an awkward, sudden compliment. She had just blurted it out.

John began to smirk. "I'm pretty all around," he said emphatically.

Now Tali chuckled out loud. She wouldn't call him pretty, even if some parts of him were, like his hair; it was longer than it was when she had met him, and combed backwards, the light reflecting of it making it look very fair, almost golden. "Your hair too."

He didn't immediately reply, just looked at her, more serious. "So are you."

She smiled and blushed even more, staring at her clutched, fidgeting fingers. She took a step towards him. "Do you… do you remember what we talked about..." She hesitated saying it, but did."...preparations?"

"What preparations?" Shepard asked, now frowning.

She took another step towards him. "For me to, uh…" Another step, and she was now very near. "Be with you," she whispered, reaching out towards him with her hand.

"Yes," he said softly, taking a hold of that hand.

She sat back down next to him, to that same spot she had been sitting on a moment ago. "I said I needed supplies, a few things… I, uh… I sort of have them now…" she felt her face burning, realized how awkward she sounded. This was a terrible idea. She suddenly felt like running away and hiding, hiding until the world ended. Perhaps being pulverized by these Reapers wouldn't be that bad? At least it would be less awkward than this… Oh Keelah, the verbal gifts and subtlety she possessed…

"And?"

And? Didn't he know what she meant? Keelah! How couldn't he? Was stupidity contagious? Maybe dealing with the Council had got him infected too? "Y-you don't know? I…" she babbled. Keelah, now she was babbling! She squeezed her eyes shut, grimaced and turned away. Concentrate, stupid girl! "I just… I just wondered if I should…" she continued without turning to him, barely audibly. She wondered if he'd even hear her.

"If you should what?" John asked softly, taking a tighter hold of her hand.

His touch encouraged her enough to turn back at him. "…get them?"

John suddenly started to grin very widely. "Very eloquent, Tali," he teased her.

She slapped him on the shoulder as hard as she could as a retort to his teasing. He had known, the bosh'tet! Made her say all those things, all those awkward things! Made her squirm like fool! Embarrassed her like that! He... he was mean.

"Ouch," John gasped, holding his shoulder as if it was direly wounded. "You like that, do you?" he then asked, still smirking. She was starting to see fire in his eyes.

It made her forget her anger at him, felt the fire inside her now as well. "Do you wish to see?" she asked him softly, seductively.

"Show me."

She didn't need more encouraging, and almost jumped back to her feet and stormed towards the door as quickly as she could. She didn't care if she looked foolish or anything, she just wanted him. Wondering where she had put the supplies, she reached the door. She hoped they were still there where she had left them, hoped that she hadn't felt absent-minded lately and misplaced them, because not finding them would be terrible and extremely disappointing. She had felt the disappointment once already, and wasn't keen on feeling it again.

"Commander," the ship's speakers suddenly sounded. "Anderson kinda wants to see you. Said it's important. Like galaxy-saving-important."

But apparently she was going to.

She turned back to Shepard, who looked back at her, as if holding back laughter. "Bad luck, huh?" he asked her, then turned to the speaker in the ceiling. "He said what's it for?"

"No, sir... Have something better to do?" Joker asked mischievously.

John glanced at Tali, grinning. "Spying on me?"

"Like I don't have anything better to do. You're boring."

Shepard sighed, burying his face in his hands. "Fine, Joker. I'll be right up."

Tali looked at him, feeling... what? Disappointed? That didn't exactly cover that what she was feeling, it wasn't even near... How long did she have to wait? How long did THEY have to wait?

Shepard – apparently sensing what she was feeling – got up and walked to her. He took her by the arm and she touches his in return, watching as her fingers caressed his forearm. "Want to come with?" he asked, and she looked at him.

"What else can I do?"


	23. And It Happens

**This can either be sudden or not, but this fic is nearing its end. I am unsure how to end it though; would this chapter be a worthy enough ending for it? I am asking your opinion, because I write not only for myself, but also for you.**

**If this is the end, then I say my thanks to you.**

**But this story isn't finished, I will very likely continue it. I just feel - because I wish to change a few things - that it should be a new fic completely.**

**Thanks for reading :)**

**And please share your opinions. They are always appreciated.**

* * *

Had that been all? Had she really done everything that was needed? The medications running in her veins made her feel very dizzy, very groggy, and – well – very drugged. The amount of antibiotics alone would have made her this sedated, but when combined with the herbal supplements, she felt like a walking dead. Like an automaton, taking a mechanical step forward, and forward, and forward. Was this truly what she had had in mind when... thinking about this entire situation? What had she actually thought about that? She... Actually, she hadn't thought about that at all. No, that was a lie; she had been thinking about this a lot, even dreamed about it. Just not about this part and truth be told, right now she preferred her dreams and her imagination to this. This just felt... wrong somehow, like it shouldn't happen like this... Like it should be better. Or was it supposed to be like this? Was it supposed to feel awkward and disappointing? She couldn't know that, she didn't anything about this, for she had never before...

Tali closed her eyes and sighed.

What if she wasn't good enough? What if she'd embarrass herself, like she very often did? What if her face wouldn't please him? What if he thought she was repulsive, hideous? What then? What would happen? The thought was horrible, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't push it away. The thought cling to her like a varren to a piece of meat, tearing her. She suddenly felt terrible, like she should just... sit down and remain there forever, but for reason unknown she kept walking. _Stop and think! _A voice inside her head yelled. _What are you doing, stupid girl? You are just going to get rejected! You are ugly, repulsive! He couldn't possibly want you! And you act like you're intoxicated! Can you even speak? Or is it just stammering gibberish that comes out?_

"I can speak," Tali snapped angrily, determined, and then realized that she was actually yelling to herself. That realization didn't help with her feelings of stupidity.

With staggering steps she arrived to his door. Then – her hand shaking – she reached for the door panel to remove this obstacle in her way. She gritted her teeth as her fingers touched the controlling device, her entire body trembling with anticipation. The door swung open and, with hesitant steps, she walked in. Shepard was sitting at his terminal, tapping away, but his head turned towards the door as it opened. A smile flashed on his face as he recognized the newcomer, then he turned back to his mysterious project.

"H-hi," Tali stammered a greeting, her tongue feeling paralyzed. Her fingers quickly tangled and they started fidgeting. They always did so, always when she was nervous; it was like they had a mind of their own. She glanced around the room, noticing another chair in the corner. Should she sit down or remain standing? L-look straight at him or at the ground? Somehow, the ground seemed to captivate her. Or perhaps she just didn't want to meet his gaze...?

"Hello," Shepard replied, still tapping. Was it that important, since he wasn't turning away from the screen?

"A-are... Are you... busy?"

Shepard shrugged, "Just trying to explain myself to the Alliance," he said, glancing at her and grinning. "They don't appreciate people hijacking their ships..."

"Tell me about it," Tali replied with a couple of soft chuckles, remembering the Fleet's policy on such things. "Quarians don't appreciate it either. Only that and mutiny is punishable by death."

Shepard seemed to be genuinely surprised by the information. "Really?" he asked, now looking straight at her. Thinking about the Fleet had made her feel more relaxed – it had been, and perhaps still was, her home - but as soon as his eyes met hers, the awkwardness and uncertainty returned. "I had no idea your people use capital punishment."

Feeling a need to break eye-contact, she glanced at the free chair again. Maybe she should sit down? It was not like it could hurt, and she wasn't sure how long she could remain standing. And, as she had predicted, she wobbled immediately after, almost losing her footing. She had to sit down and she did, Shepard frowning at her, possibly due to having noticed her staggering.

"I...It's..." Tali stammered, trying to catch her train of trail of thought again. And failing miserably, only managing to utter single words, even those stuttered. "O-only for those things," she somehow managed to finish, hanging her head in embarrassment over her social clumsiness.

Shepard did not reply, just stared at her, his brow still wrinkled.

"What?" Tali snapped, suddenly angry at his stupid stare. Why did he look at her like that, like he was concerned? What had she done now?

John blinked in surprise. "It's just... Are you alright?"

Now Tali blinked. Alright? Why wouldn't she be alright? What kind of a question was that? "W-what?"

"You are wobbling," John replied sternly, sighing in irritation. "Is there a reason for it?"

"I'm not," Tali immediately denied, even though she knew she had. Her muscles tensed as she made sure she wouldn't do such a thing again.

"Must've been my eyes playing tricks on me then," John then said, even though his voice and the glance he gave her made it very clear that he didn't believe her. Tali's head sunk back down; she didn't know why she had lied to him... There was really no reason for it, but she just... just didn't want to admit weakness. Not to him, she wanted to be strong for him, to show that he didn't have to look after her... That no one had to. Was it stupid to think that?

It felt stupid. She felt stupid. Besides, she had to tell him."I've... I've taken the antibiotics, and the, uh... herbal supplements to, uh..." her fingers fiddled so hard against each other that they started to warm up from the friction, and she bit her lip nervously. Keelah, she felt like bursting from all the heat; her face burned, as did her body.

She noticed Shepard again staring at her, a dawn of realization now crossing his face. "Oh."

"Yes..." she really couldn't figure out anything to say to that realization of his. What should she say? And if she did say something, was it going to be very stupid and awkward, like almost everything she said right now? In that case, wouldn't it be preferable to stay quiet? Her fingers still captivated her, kept her from looking at him and actually she preferred it that way, for somehow it was so very difficult to meet his gaze. Then, all of a sudden, she realized how quiet everything was, how quiet he was. She gave him a quick glance – that much she could muster – and noticed that he wasn't staring at her either. Suddenly a sense of terror clung to her; maybe he was busy, maybe he couldn't...? Or wouldn't? Her lower lip started to tremble at that train of thought and she felt panic. If now wasn't a good time either, then when would be? There was always something getting in the way, was there? Was this actually ever going to happen, or was it just a foolish girl's stupid dream? "I... I... I-if y-you are not bu-... busy."

Shepard blinked, obviously stupefied. "Uh..." He then quickly pressed something on his keyboard and the holographic display of his terminal vanished. "Not busy at all!" he exclaimed, chuckling afterwards in a strange way. Was he... nervous? Why would he be nervous? Did he not like the idea? He seemed to want it though, for he had just closed his terminal…

But then it hit her; she was just as alien to him as he was to her. He must have felt frightened by her, by how different she was, but obviously that also attracted him to her… It was actually exactly what she felt; not only fright, but also excitement.

"That's good..." she muttered, her silent words obviously reflecting her excitement. Stupid again… She stood up and started towards him slowly, tentatively. "...Is it?" Now it reflected how she felt, and Tali was actually quite surprised over the sultriness of her voice. _How bold…_

"It is," John responded with that same tone. She got nearer and nearer, and saw him staring at her, the look in his eyes intensifying with each step she took. "Just... surprising," he continued as she came to a halt before him, towering over him. _For once this way,_ she thought with soft chuckles. His words and his gaze encouraged her enough to reach for his hand with hers. She gripped it tightly and started to pull, trying to get him to get up.

"Is it a good surprise?" she asked, her voice ever more steamy.

He flashed a bright smile at her, laughed quietly. "Maybe."

And he got up. She started walking towards the bed, taking him along by the hand. Then both of them sat down at its end, hands still tightly held together, and again Tali felt discouraged. It was easy to see why; she had no idea what to do, she had no experience in this… She knew she felt out-of-place, but also knew that she didn't, knew this was where she wanted to be. It was so very confusing. "I..." she started stammering, trying to break the suffocating silence. "M-maybe I-I should have brought music? Or something like that?" She felt his hand traveling along her thigh as she spoke, his fingers gently caressing the surface of the suit. It made her feel warm inside. "S-something other than the s-silence, I mean? O-or do you like silence?" His hand had reached her stomach, and slowly was sliding towards her breasts. It stopped in between them, and she placed her hand on top of his.

"What do you like?" he asked, looking into her eyes.

There was no need to reply, for she could show him.

She took a tighter hold of his hand and pulled it off from her chest. She then guided the hand to the side of her head – near her ear – and placed his fingers on three buttons there – the opening mechanism. Chills ran down her spine as she thought about what was going to happen; she was going to show her face to someone for the first time. For the first time ever, and the man she was going to show it to was an alien. It was so strange and unbelievable, that she'd trust an alien more than anyone of her own people.

But it was so. "The other hand..." she asked softly, and his hand moved to the opposite side of her head, and she again guided his fingers to the lock. There was a quiet hiss as they opened the lock together, and immediately Tali smelt the unfiltered air. It was different; it smelt pleasant, more... real. But the mask still remained on, for Shepard's hands would not move without her guidance. Perhaps he thought that she was afraid, that she really didn't want to?

Again she would show him.

His hands moved as hers did, pulling visor of colored glass away. Tali closed her eyes and lowered her head as the mask came off, biting her lip in fear. How would he perceive her? Was she beautiful to him, by human standards? Was she actually beautiful by quarian standards either? She had no idea, for no one had seen her face.

But why wasn't he saying anything?

She opened her eyes in distress, raised her head back up, their eyes meeting. It was so very different, there was nothing between them; she could just touch his face with hers if she wished so, and Keelah how much she did.

But she still didn't know why he remained quiet. He didn't seem repulsed, but not charmed either. He was just... expressionless. Keelah, say something, anything! It was unbearable to wait for something she wanted so much for this long, it felt like torture. Why was he torturing her? Her eyes started to well, as her teeth grit together and her body trembled. She couldn't take this for any longer.

But then he reached out towards her face. "May I?" he asked quietly, his hand almost touching her.

"Please," she pleaded him to do so.

His hand got nearer and nearer, finally touching her cheek. Her whole body trembled violently at his touch and she waveringly had to gasp for breath as his fingers caressed her cheek. When his thumb moved to the bridge of her nose and started slowly towards her lips, she had to close her eyes and quietly moan in pleasure. It was so different without the suit in the way, so real. She could really feel his skin, feel the warmth, the softness of it. It was so worth it.

"You're beautiful."

Tali's eyes and mouth shot open, and was again forced to gasp for breath. Nobody had ever said that to her, so she didn't know if it was a lie. It was a beautiful lie, and wanted nothing more than to believe it, but she felt doubt. It shamed her and she lowered her head, the welling in her eyes releasing in a form of a single tear. "A-are you just saying that?"

He gently took her by the chin and lifted her head up, their eyes meeting again. His thumb on her lips, he leaned closer and closer until Tali could feel his breath on her skin. Then their lips touched.

She felt his lips wrapping around hers, fondling them. The feeling of doubt vanished in an instant and she could not move, was just paralyzed. He still had said nothing, but this was better than any words could ever be. Her senses then returned, and she felt a powerful urge inside her, an urge for him. So she returned his kiss, first more gently, then with ever more passion. The kiss and the medications in her veins made everything seem ethereal, like a dream. A very good dream, a dream she wanted to continue eternally. To drown into.

And so she did.

When he grabbed her by the shoulders to pull her closer, she – like before – jumped on him, made him fall. And again he was so very surprised, that Tali felt a compulsion grin at his stunned expression.

But the expression on his face vanished very quickly, was replaced by a smile. "I've never seen you smile before."

Now her expression vanished. How could he know so well what to say? Tell her exactly that what she wanted hear? Make her feel so good? So special? She wasn't good with words, was actually very clumsy, but there was one thing she wanted to say. She had wanted to say it for so long without the mask in the way.

"I love you."

Then she leaned forward, and this time the glass wasn't there to stop her.


	24. The End of Old

**Hmh. I said I wouldn't continue this in this fic, but here we are... Would be kinda funny to continue this storyline in a new fic... New readers would be too confused.**

**One change will be that Tali's perspective won't be the only one... But it'll be the most used one still. She's still the main star, so to speak.**

**Let me know what you think. **

* * *

"I wish this would never end," she said quietly, softly.

John wrapped his arm more tightly around her, pulling her even closer than before. The warmth of her body spread to his as they lay there, intertwined. He gazed into her beautiful, bright eyes, that wish of hers taking him over as well. He smiled, stroking her forehead with his fingers gently. Her smile was just as bright as her eyes were, as gorgeous as they were. She was so very beautiful, everything of her, every part of her. His head started to move towards hers ever so slowly, his hand resting on her cheek.

And his lips touched Tali's.

Again.

…

"Sad to see you go," John muttered to the large krogan towering over him.

"There's things I must do. Me. Not anyone else," Wrex growled back at him, perhaps a bit less menacingly than usually. He even seemed a bit... sad. If krogan were capable of being sad, that is. To tell the truth, krogan in general seemed to be a lot more capable than Tali had initially given them the credit for, which definitely wasn't something she should have done, as everyone casting suspicions on her people always upset her.

"Yeah," John replied with an understanding nod. "If that's what you feel like you gotta do."

"It is," was Wrex's simple answer.

It was sad to see him go, despite knowing that he could do more good amongst his own people than here. Or at least that was what he believed. Tali wasn't really sure; they had defeated Sovereign, a large Reaper hadn't they? It was rather doubtful Wrex could find Reapers on Tuchanka, or wherever it was where he was going to travel, but it was his choice. It was strange how well she had gotten along with him, considering how he didn't get along with almost anyone. And yet maybe not. Both the krogan and the quarians had been exiled from the galactic society hundreds of years ago; both species had made horrible mistakes. Mistakes that their great-grand-children still had to pay for. Quarians were trapped inside their suits, unable to touch, smell, or see without some layer or the other in the way. Krogan were trapped in a different way, trapped by their destiny: Only one child in a thousand survived childbirth, and thus they were slowly dying, slowly drifting towards their seemingly unavoidable end. Both of these things due to mistakes of people who had long since perished.

So perhaps it was not that strange that she got along with him? And perhaps it was.

Shepard extended his arm to Wrex, who – after a moment's hesitation – shook it. "Good luck," Shepard said, a slight grin on his face. Wrex merely nodded back, then turned to each of the group in turn, nodding his head at each of them. Even to Garrus, whom he'd never gotten along with.

"Good luck, Wrex," Tali said to him as he turned at her, a genuine smile on her face.

Wrex chuckled. "You need luck more than I do, quarian."

Shepard called the deck to attention, and Wrex started his slow slumbering towards the airlock. He even smiled at John's gesture, before turning away and disappearing.

For how long, Tali did not know.

…

"You said you had a problem?" Tali asked, her omni-tool open and ready.

"The thrusters are be a bit off," Joker replied, shrugging on his seat, back at her. "The panel's right next to you," he continued, pointing with his thumb at a cabinet on Tali's right side.

Tali gave him a quick glare, deciding to ignore his attempt at taunting her; as if she didn't know where the panel was... Kneeling down next to that cabin, she turned the handle down and opened its door. She then tapped a few buttons on her omni-tool, forming a link between it and the calibration device. The insides of this mysterious cabinet then suddenly came to life, lights of various colors winking and flickering in curious patterns. It took a second to form the connection, and the telemetry data began streaming to her tool. The amount of variables was so huge that the small portion of her visor she usually used as a display wouldn't be enough, so she summoned a larger, holographic display from the tool. She glanced at the dance of numbers and letters on it, trying to determine what filters to use to see the information she needed to.

Then something interrupted her.

_Humming. Bam-ba-ba-baa-baada-baada-ba-ba-ba... Followed by whistling._

Tali glanced at the direction the whistling came from, which was Joker's. She only saw his back, so couldn't be sure if it had been him, though there was no one else. But since it had stopped now, she turned back to her tool and started selecting filters again.

And immediately after, the humming followed. Tali closed her eyes and stopped again, turning back to Joker. It was most certainly him. "Could you please stop that? It's pretty disturbing."

Joker stopped his humming, his chair spinning towards her. "Sorry, miss _I-hate-everything._"

Tali blinked at his weird response, "I don't hate everything," she retorted. "Your humming is just annoying."

"You're always angry," Joker replied, his eyebrows raised. " _Anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side_..." he added grimly.

"I'm not always angry," Tali snapped. "Just when someone irritates me on purpose."

"Yeah, that's mature. Blame the crippled guy," the pilot said, a hurt expression on his face. "I bet you always steal candy from babies and push old ladies down the stairs too."

Tali mustered her most intimidating expression, lowering her head slightly. "Only if they irritate me," she said ominously, her mask hiding the fact that she was actually smiling. She really liked Joker, and not only because he was a very good pilot, but also because he didn't seem to have any reservations about her being a quarian. And because he was very amusing. A strange, funny human. But he could sometimes be extremely irritating.

Now Joker looked rather confused though. "Y'know, these situations kinda make me hate that... _thing_ that you have going on there with the..." he started gesturing at his face with his hand.

"That _thing_?" Tali asked, feigning insulted, but smiling even more widely.

"Yeah, the mask-pot -thingie that kinda hides your face. You must notice it too sometimes..." Joker muttered, now seemingly more embarrassed. Perhaps he was not sure if she was joking? Tali chuckled at that thought; let him squirm.

"The mask-pot -thingie?" she asked, fighting back the urge to laugh at his stumbling.

And apparently she wasn't quite that successful at that, because Joker's expression sunk. "Yeah, that's it, laugh at the dumb human! He doesn't know the latest pot -fashion! Applause, everyone! Great fun."

Tali quietly laughed at him – not being able to fight it anymore – but quickly regained her composure and started to explain. "It's not a pot. A helmet. Or that's what quarians call it."

"Or a bucket."

"_A bucket_?" Tali asked, raising her brows at the racist remark. "Some would call that offensive."

"A very cool and nice bucket," Joker added, now quite glum under her gaze. "Y'know, with zooming and vid-screen and stuff... Not many buckets I know have those."

Tali chuckled quietly again. "Funny."

"Yeah, I know," Joker muttered, his seat spinning to it's normal position. "It's a burden."

Tali smiled one last time, turning back to her omni-tool. Now that she had managed to filter out the not-wanted information, she should be able to fix the problem. Hopefully. She started scanning the information shown in her omni-tool, but couldn't find anything. Which was not a good sign, because it meant that either this was something very small and would needed to be adjusted manually, or that the entire calibration device was off, since it was supposed to auto-correct such mistakes. With a sigh, Tali started going through the long list of variables one by one, seeing if any of them were faulty. She had gone through ten, when she just had to open her mouth to vent her frustration. This repetition was horrible, easy, and boring. And she didn't see any reason why she was here. "Why do I always have to come here? Why can't someone else do these?"

"Well I kinda like you," Joker replied with a shrug, keeping his back turned at her. "Don't let it go to your head. Or tell anyone."

"Your secret's safe with me," Tali muttered in annoyance, irritated that for once he couldn't give her a serious answer. Oh well... Another variable checked... And another, then another, then another... Was there something in that one? No, it's correctly set... Another... Another...

"How's Shepard?" Joker asked suddenly, almost making Tali flinch in surprise. "He's been smiling a lot lately. Creepy. I don't like it."

"Why ask me?"

"Because you are constantly ogling him. Borderline stalking's the word."

Tali's fingers stopped, her work pausing abruptly. Ogling? Had she been staring at him? Maybe but... At least not like that. Not in a 'ogling' way. Not in public, at least. "I don't stare."

"Right. Watch then?"

"I... did you even want to ask something?" Tali spat out in irritation. "Or do you just want to annoy me?"

Joker span around, a grin twisting the corners of his mouth. "Jeez. Relax for a bit. Wouldn't kill ya."

Tali growled quietly, before returning back to her duty. Next time she would tell Chief Engineer Adams to send someone else here, for she couldn't guarantee the 'funny' pilot's safety if she was forced to spend even one more second here... After going through a few more variables, a thought occurred. "Why are you asking about Shepard?"

"No reason," Joker said, his back towards her again.

"No reason?" Tali asked with a sly smile. "Does he not pay you enough attention? Perhaps – since you are so worried – I should ask him to pay more to you?"

Joker span around with his chair again, staring at her with a slight smirk. "Nice burn."

"I'm just here to help," Tali replied with a triumphant smile, returning her focus back to the work. Which really did not last long.

"EXO on deck!" one of the crew shouted, and Tali – having long since decided to follow the Alliance protocols, due to being their guest and wishing to show her respects and all– stood up and remained at attention, trying to find Lieutenant Commander Pressly with her eyes. She did, and turned at his direction.

"Carry on," Pressly said, his eyes locked at the datapad in his hand, a thoughtful expression on his face.

Tali followed him with her gaze as he approached the bridge, then – as he entered it – greeted him cheerfully. "Hello, Navigator Pressly."

Pressly's gruff face rose up from the pad and turned at her, flashing a brief smile at her. "Hello there, miss Zorah. Is there a problem here?"

"Some minor disturbance in the thrusters, according to Joker."

"It's there. Didn't make it up," Joker muttered, again spinning around with his chair. Isn't his head beginning to spin as well because of all that? "How ya doin', Commander?"

"Well enough," Pressly muttered in turn, his eyes again on the datapad. "Can't see why we're still out here though. No geth contacts in weeks."

"What does Shepard say?" Joker asked.

"Nothing," Pressly replied. _As usual_, Tali thought. "Where's Ensign Larkinson?"

"Sent her away. Don't like her. I feel like she's watching me all the time. Creepy," Joker shuddered.

"Don't do that," Pressly ordered strictly. "We are at Condition 2 and she's supposed to be here. Don't do that again."

"Yeah yeah," Joker muttered back. "Sorry Commander, but do you really think we'll find somethin' out here?"

"Slavers, if nothing else. Terminus's crawling with them," Pressly answered in irritation.

And, as if that were a magic word, the holographic interface of Joker started to blink. "Huh. Long range just picked up a ship... Nicely done, Commander."

"Geth?" Tali asked, turning towards his screen now.

"Doesn't match geth signatures," Pressly said, staring at the numbers on Joker's interface.

"Doesn't match any signatures," Joker added with a slightly worried tone. "It's changing course now..." the worried expression now quickly changed to horror. "Shit. It's trying to intercept us."

What?

"What?" Pressly snapped a question. "Stealth systems are on!"

How could anyone see through the stealth systems? No one had that sort of technology... All scanners were based on searching heat signatures! No one had any other sort of scanners! At least pirates and geth didn't.

"Tell that to 'em!" Joker snapped back. "They're firing at us!"

"Evasive maneuvers!" Pressly ordered, slamming his hand to the ship's intercomm -button. "This is the EXO! Set Condition 1! General quarters!"

"Keelah..." Tali muttered.

Then something happened.

The ship rocked violently, the momentum sending Tali reeling backwards and smashing the back of her head against the wall behind her. There was a large explosion from the opposite end of the bridge, right where Pressly had been standing. Right after seeing the initial flash, Tali blacked out.

…

As conscience returned to Tali's body, great pain accompanied it. Mostly in the back of her head, but somehow her shoulder was also hurting. Slowly, clumsily, she managed to get her bearings, and rise back to her feet. Still wobbly, her double-vision noticed that the opposite wall of the bridge was on fire and that there was a body lying on the floor.

"Pressly," she muttered weakly, taking a sidestep to keep her balance.

"Shit! Someone get that fire out!" a voice yelled. It sounded like it was very far away or behind a wall... It sounded muffled, quiet. Ringing. The voice actually hurt her head. "Tali!"

Now the voice called to her.

"Tali!"

Again.

"TALI!"

She turned and saw Joker staring at her, looking very pale. "You okay in there?"

"Y-yes," she stuttered, despite the throbbing headache. "W-what?"

"Comms and weapons are down," Joker said, taking a breathing mask from a cabinet near him. "Run to Shepard and ask for orders! Tell him that..." his gaze wandered at Pressly's corpse on the floor. "Tell him that Pressly's..." Joker hesitated saying it. "... gone."

"I... Yes," she uttered, starting to stagger towards the CIC. As she moved forwards, her step - one pace at a time - became ever more stable and after a moment she was running forward at full speed. She skipped the elevator, deciding to just take the stairs down. She jumped them down three at a time, the ship screeching and exploding all around her from this mysterious enemy's attack. What was this thing? How had it spotted them? And how had it already punched through their shields? They had been formidable to start with, and adding her modifications... There was no way a cruiser could this quickly punch through their shields! No way! No cruiser had that amount of firepower... What was this thing? Why was it after them? Why now? Was this a Reaper? Like Sovereign?

Her contemplations died as she noticed a very familiar face.

Faces.

John, Garrus, Liara, and Ashley.

…

_This was pretty strange, to put it lightly,_ Garrus thought as he staggered from another impact by... whatever it was they were under attack by. There was no way to know, for communications were down. All four of them - Liara, him, Shepard, and Williams - had put on their hardsuits, ready to go investigate the source of this bombardment from the bridge, when Tali suddenly showed up.

"Tali!" Shepard yelled as he noticed her. "I heard Pressly's Condition 1 announcement. We're apparently under attack?"

"Can't you tell?" Williams asked, but after Shepard gave her a glare, she added, "Sorry."

"Yes," Tali replied as she came to a stop before them, slightly gasping for breath. "We don't know what it is... the signatures are..." and there was that thing she was supposed to say... How was she... Just say it? "And John... There's something else..."

"What?" Shepard asked, his tone suddenly very worried. Well, even more worried that it could be, considering they were under attack by an unknown and extremely dangerous enemy.

"It's Pressly," Tali said quietly, hesitantly. "He.. .he's dead, John."

"Shit..." Shepard muttered. "Weapons are offline?"

"Yes."

"Shit," Shepard repeated himself, his head dropping, his face burying into his hands. "I already sent the Alliance a distress beacon, but they'll..."

"They're not going to make it in time," Garrus finished Shepard's sentence and train of thought. There was only one thing they could do now.

"Abandon the ship, all of you," Shepard ordered, his voice steely, his head up again. "Inform all members of the crew you see when going towards the pods."

"Is Joker still there?" Williams now chimed in, looking at Tali. "At the helm?"

"Yes, I-I don't think he'll go."

"I'll handle him," Shepard said strictly. "You escort everyone out of the ship. Do it."

"And leave you here by yourself?" Tali asked, the bright spots behind the purple visor - her eyes - narrowing dangerously. She crossed her arms. "I don't think so."

"Don't have time for an argument," Shepard snapped at her. "Get to the fuckin' pods. I'll handle my idiot helmsman."

"But... Bu-" Tali tried to protest, but Shepard interrupted her.

"Do it!"

Garrus decided to jump in, grabbing Tali by her arm and starting to drag her away with him. "Let's go!" he shouted. "Not gonna drag you all the way to the pod!"

"Let go!" she snapped as she snatched her arm away from Garrus, who didn't even try to grab her again; let Shepard handle it."John..." Tali pleaded quietly, staring at him with her bright eyes.

Shepard smiled at her, taking her hand into his and giving it an assuring squeeze. "Love you."

Before she could speak or grab a hold of him, he had already let go and was running full speed at the opposite direction. She stared after him as he went, seeing as he disappeared around a corner. "You too."

…

The ship staggered and listed as the four ran, yelling and shouting at everyone they saw to abandon the ship immediately. The Normandy was simply out-classed by this sudden, alien attack...What the hell was it? Geth? Pirates? Neither of those could spot Normandy with it's stealth systems on though... Or at least that's how it's supposed to be. "What the hell was are we being attacked by?" Garrus asked to no one in particular, despite knowing that none knew.

"It was a some sort of a cruiser," Tali replied. "It didn't match any signatures! It just spotted us and started firing!"

"With the damn stealth systems on?" Williams queried incredulously. "Damn..."

"Is it possible th-" Liara begun, but was interrupted by a large explosion right next to the group. Williams and Garrus were closest to that point of impact, and were thrown against a nearby wall. Garrus barely managed to stay on his feet - his armor having absorbed most of the impact - but Williams fell down to the floor. Liara and Tali grabbed her by her armpits and pulled her back to her feet. But as the Chief tried to take a step forward, she almost fell right back down. Tali and Liara grabbed her by the arms, and led her forward.

After a far too long moment, they reached one of the pods. Liara and Tali sat Williams down at one of the two remaining seats, then Liara took the final one. "I apologize, but there is no room," she said with her usual, serene voice.

"Yeah," Garrus muttered, and then the pressure door of the pod closed.

Again Tali and Garrus ran for their lives together, which actually wasn't anything new: They had done so before at a planet with one of those geth outposts, where they had played hide and seek with a geth colossus... Then on Feros, where an alpha varren had given them loads of trouble. Countless other situations where they had saved each other's lives came to her... And to think she had once considered her life boring. "Again in trouble," Tali muttered, voicing her thoughts between breaths.

"Yeah. Good times." Another explosion rocked the ship, staggering both of them. "Definitely good times. You think those are geth?"

"No," Tali replied, struggling to keep her footing. "The ship didn't match any geth signatures."

"Well, maybe they've gotten smarter?" Garrus asked, flickering his mandibles at her mockingly.

"Don't be ridiculous," Tali snapped at him.

Garrus had to smirk at that; pushing her buttons had never been particularly hard, yet it was always so very satisfying. Garrus didn't really know why, but somehow annoying her was just fun. Perhaps because it was so easy? It only took a few words for her to explode completely... Which wasn't always fun though; once she had fried his suit's olfactory filters, causing everything to smell like rotten garbage. It had actually caused him to vomit inside his helmet, so - thus - from then on he'd started being a little more careful about pissing her off. Put it lightly, it most certainly could be uncomfortable.

Also the time when he really, really had insulted her had been... very unpleasant. He really hadn't known about the suits and... It had been very stupid to make that sort of a comment, that the quarians wore the suits due to their arrogance. He had actually known it to be false even before asking that, had meant to just annoy her even more with it... But the reaction had been something else entirely; Tali had been really upset. Sure, she had annoyed him quite a bit, but you shouldn't joke about the suits; not exactly what you'd call funny. And even still, months after, Garrus often pondered at his own stupidity, at his inconsiderate ways. Sometimes he felt, and was, a complete idiot, just like his father had said.

His father had actually said a lot of things. Some days they felt more true, others less.

Another shot struck the ship, and something exploded right before them.

Garrus staggered by the force of the blow, falling on his behind and remaining there dazed. As his legs lay stretched before him, he noticed that a large shard had penetrated his calf, blood slowly dripping from the wound. The pain came a second later and Garrus snarled quietly at that, feeling his leg stiffening at the turian pain response. Crap; he wasn't getting up by himself.

But, luckily, Tali was there. "Are you hurt, Garrus?"

"I'll live," he replied. "Just help me up."

_And don't look at my leg, _Garrus thought with a growl. They would never get anywhere if she started to worry for him...

Just then her head lowered, her eyes seeing his wound. "You are hurt!"

"We can worry about that later! Now help me up!" Garrus snapped, offering his hand to her.

Shaking her head, she took it, starting to pull him back to his feet. "If you die, I won't come to your funeral."

"Bad call," Garrus said as he somehow managed to scramble back to his feet. "The serving should be pretty good there."

Tali snorted. "Sure."

On they went, Garrus limping and Tali helping him to keep his balance, all until they reached the pod. It was still half-empty, and the crew looked at them curiously as they entered. Both took their seats at the pod and strapped themselves to them. After they were done, Garrus punched the launch button down, and the pod was propelled into the endless void.

…


	25. Aftermath, Part 1

**Took quite long. I have no excuse. **

**Forgive me.**

* * *

Not found? Disappeared? How could the Hero of the Citadel just disappear? How couldn't they NOT find him? He had been right there next to her only a day ago... Right next to her. And now she had no idea where he was, where he could even be.

And Joker kept insisting that John had remained behind, that he had helped him to escape... What did remain behind mean? What about the explosion? Did he get awa- No! He did get away. It's Shepard, for ancestors' sake: Hero of the Citadel, the indestructible and unstoppable human! A simple explosion couldn't stop him. Wouldn't stop him. There was no way that such a thing could happen... No way.

"We're calling off the search..." the Captain of the ship Berlin - their rescuer - said with a disheartened voice. "If he's not in the pods, then..."

Tali immediately stood up and pushed Chief Engineer Adams - who the Captain had been talking to - aside, staring at the Captain with enraged defiance. "Calling off the search!" Tali asked - no, yelled - at the Captain. "You can't do that!"

The Captain merely stared at her incredulously, like he was having a hard time believing what he was hearing. Tali also felt someone pulling her by the arm. "Tali..." that someone called to her.

It didn't matter. "You can't just leave him there! It's Commander Shepard! He saved the Citadel! Keelah, he saved the entire galaxy!" she yelled, pointing her finger at him. "He saved all of you!"

"Tali."

"No! We can't just leave him there! He's still out there!"

"Tali!"

She snapped a turn towards the shouter, ready to unleash her verbal barrage at him too, but before she could say a word, the shouter - Garrus - spoke. "He's gone."

Tali immediately felt even more enraged, felt like Garrus was betraying John.. "How can YOU say that?" she yelled at him in turn. "After all that he did for you, you're just going to leave him behind?"

Garrus' head sunk down. "They can't find h-"

"No!" Tali shouted, refusing to believe what she was hearing. She turned back to the Captain. "Search again!"

And the Captain turned to Adams. "Lieutenant Commander Adams, control your... _crew_."

His tone clearly showed his disdain over the composition of Shepard's crew.

Adams nodded to Garrus, and they started to drag Tali away, who still kept screaming.

…

Garrus did not feel good about this, actually didn't feel good about anything. How the hell was he supposed to ever feel happy again? Shepard, his friend and comrade was gone, and he wasn't coming back. Blown away by some unknown enemy for who knew why... It felt so meaningless, so worthless... Shepard deserved more than that, he deserved better. Garrus should've gone for Joker, not Shepard. He shouldn't have let Shepard go alone... He should've-... He should've done something! Wrong damn man had died and he had done nothing to stop it. Tali was right; Shepard had done so much for him, and now he had just let him die.

Garrus had failed again, like countless times before.

Then something struck him very hard, causing him to bury his face in his hands; Tali. She still probably couldn't accept that Shepard was gone, couldn't believe that it was true. Garrus couldn't blame her, for he wished that he could believe that as well. But he couldn't. He simply knew that it was wishful thinking... But he still craved to do so so terribly.

And she had probably loved him. She had not told Garrus that, but it truly seemed so: The way she always spoke of him, the way she looked at him, the way she was around him... It was pretty obvious.

Or that's what he wished for; both of them deserved all happiness they could have...

And simultaneously did not wish it; Tali didn't need pain, didn't deserve it.

But what would happen when she realized that he was not coming back, that he was dead? Was she going to do something drastic, something stupid?

No, that cannot happen, Garrus couldn't allow anything like that to happen. Not now, or ever.

He stood up and started walking towards the door at a brisk pace; at least he could do one thing correctly, and help his friend.

…

Tali couldn't sit down, she couldn't just... not do anything! She had to save John! He was still out there somewhere, and he needed her help! _This way for once,_ she thought with a chuckle. How could that idiot Captain stop the search? Just leave him there! All alone in the cold space... That thought made her finally sit down and think: She had to get out of this brig.

She summoned up her omnitool and pointed it at the door, trying to find something to hack. And she did; the door panel, to be precise. Tali immediately initialized the hacking program, simultaneously working on a plan in her head: She would need to get to the flight deck and steal a shuttle or a fighter, then search for him. That was what she had to do; she couldn't just abandon him there. After all that he'd done for her, after all they'd been through. No, it was unthinkable.

The hacking finished and the door swung open, Tali jumping back to her feet and running towards the door, only to...

… bump into Garrus.

She staggered from the impact before realizing who it was, and when she did, her eyes narrowed in anger. "What are YOU doing here?"

Garrus simply stared back at her. "How did you open the door and why?"

"I'm not staying here. John needs my help," she answered adamantly. "And yours, but apparently you have something better to do," she added disdainfully, looking at Garrus with a scorning glare.

Garrus gave the guardsman stationed at the door a nervous glance, but it seemed that he had not heard her threat. Or didn't care. As Garrus turned back to his friend, he shook his head in disapproval. "I wish that was true."

"It is true! We must help him!"

"We can't help him!" Garrus snapped back. "He's gone!"

"How can you say that?" Tali was now yelling to him. "He helped you and you are just leaving him in there!"

"They can't find him, Tali!" Garrus retorted, feeling ever more down as the conversation progressed. "There is no signal from his suit."

Tali blinked for a second, before regaining her composure. "N-no, that could mean anything...I-it could be broken, or their sensors are... or... or something!"

Garrus' head lowered, as did his voice. "Nothing's broken, Tali. He stayed behind when Joker took the last escape pod... He's gone."

Gone? Was he gone? Dead? No, no, no, no, he could not be dead! It was not possible! It was Shepard! "No, that's not true," Tali said adamantly, despite beginning to doubt ever so slightly. "It can't be true."

"I wish it weren't," Garrus replied quietly, his head still hanging.

Tali took a step back, feeling how her eyes began to moisten. "He... he wouldn't do that to me..." she whispered, taking another step backwards.

Garrus had no idea what to do, seeing his friend crumble before him like that... He could do nothing but watch in distress, as she fell to her knees and buried as much of the mask's glass in her hands as she could...

"It can't be true...h-he said he'd never leave me..." she sobbed on her knees, cursing the mask by keeping her from touching her face. Always the mask in the way of everything she wanted... In the way of everyone. Him.

Garrus felt just as wretched inside as she did, felt so helpless for not being able to do anything. He should do something, not just stand there... He always just stood there, never doing anything. And those times when he did something, it ended in a catastrophe. But then, without thinking, Garrus knelt down next to her, and gently placed his hand on her shoulder. What else was he supposed to do..?

She responded by wrapping her arms around him and burying her face into his neck, shaking as she finally started to cry.

He was gone, and she just hadn't wanted to believe it... Still didn't want to believe it, couldn't believe it. How could it be true? He was taken from her by some unknown force... Nothing was right. Nothing could ever be right again. She didn't want to do anything anymore, just... cease existing... This life was far too painful. It cannot be true, it hurt too badly.

She simply could not bear it if it was true. "Tell me this is a dream," Tali whispered quietly. "T-tell me this isn't really happening..."

It took all Garrus' willpower to not break down like her, but still a single tear rolled down on his cheek, finally landing somewhere on the floor. "I wish I could."

"I-I loved him. So much."

"I know."

Garrus had never been that sorry in his life for being right.


	26. Aftermath, Part 2

**Right. I said I would post more quicker, but... No, no, and no. I just couldn't get started, and this isn't that long either.**

**No excuse again. Perhaps I shall do better next time...**

* * *

The coffin was there, right there. A coffin, not him. He was not there, he was not anywhere. Tali did really know where he was, what had happened to him now, but just thinking about that made it all feel so empty, so meaningless. She'd like to think that he was somewhere else, in some better place where he could spend eternity and more with his friends and ancestors. It was a nice thought and she hoped it was true, perhaps more than anything else in the world. She could see him smiling, happy; could see him with Kaidan, not alone, not needing to fight. He could be at peace, he had deserved it.

And perhaps... perhaps he would be there to greet here when she... She could not even finish the thought., the pain was too much.

Tali took the geth OSD from her pocket, caressing it with her fingers gently.

She missed him so much.

..

Tali sat on the bed in his room,his head resting peacefully on her lap. Her hand caressed his hair gently, feeling the softness of it even through the suit. Her hand travelled all along his head, reaching his neck, then starting again. _Perhaps__there__were__worse__places__to__be__than__here_, she thought jocularly. Such as that Citadel Tower, Feros, all those colonies they had travelled to... And Virmire. It was always good to think about Virmire, if one wished to completely depress themselves, that is. And she felt a pang of guilt immediately after that stupid joke, even if it was only in her head. Virmire was not funny, it was not amusing in any manner. Kaidan had died there, died to allow the rest to escape. He was a hero, and no one should taint his memory with stupid thoughts like that.

Tali sighed.

"Something wrong?" John suddenly said.

"N-no... Why would anything be wrong?"

"Just the weary sigh."

Tali hesitated for a moment; did she really need to burden him with such morbid thoughts? "I just... thought about Virmire."

"Ah," Shepard muttered, his face noticeably darkening with emotion.

Neither spoke for a while, both just contemplating that in complete silence. Tali knew she shouldn't think things like that, knew that there was no point in this, but she still wondered if there would have been something they could've done differently. There had to be some mistake that caused all that, there had to be something they could've done to save him. Or maybe not. Did it really matter at this point? It wouldn't help anything, wouldn't help Kaidan.

"I do miss him," John said suddenly, his voice pulling Tali away from her thoughts, bringing a smile to her face.

"I do too."

"He was a good man. Those are rare."

Tali raised her eyebrows "Those?"

"Good people."

"You do not consider yourself among them?"

"Hardly."

"Hardly?" Tali asked, puzzled. Well, that reasoning did HARDLY make sense; who else had saved the galaxy lately? Or a colony? Or Liara or... her?

"Yeah, hardly," John replied with a shrug. "I don't really feel a need to help anyone, but wouldn't turn my back on someone needing it either. Doesn't really bother me."

He had talked about that before, about how he really did not care about other humans, or anything really. Yet he always strove to help everyone around him; Wrex's family armor, Garrus and his... predicament, and of course her as well. The disc... It seemed like he wished to make himself believe that he did not care. But why would he? Shouldn't one be proud for doing what was right, for helping others? Or was that simply what quarians did? It was... confusing. "But you do that all the time. Help others, I mean."

John looked somewhat puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"You are a bit dense, are you?" she asked humorously. "Garrus, Wrex, Liara..." Tali still felt somewhat embarrassed to mention it, for it had meant so much to her... And she could never pay him back. "..me."

And now John looked just as embarrassed. "I just... tried to help."

"I just wish..." Tali began, lowering her head for the same reason that had plagued her thoughts just a moment ago. "...just wish that you didn't get into trouble for the disc...or won't get..."

His eyes met with hers, a sly smile on his face. "It was a gift."

Tali forced out a chuckle. "Do you often give people gifts like that?"

"No."

…

Tali peered at the disc again, recalling the time when he had given it to her; it wasn't so long ago, but the time couldn't have been more different, simpler, and happier. It was both terrifying and remarkable about how only one thing could change everything, destroy everything. And just this small memento remained. It would probably be very important for her people, perhaps more important than anything before, and thus important to her, but she would give it away in a heartbeat just to see him again. Even for just a moment. To say goodbye.

She pocketed the disc, took out her omni-tool chip from her wrist and stared at it in turn. Auntie Raan had given it to her when she'd left the Flotilla, and had proven very useful; it had saved her life dozens of times already, and was very precious to her. Just like someone else. She pressed the chip against her mask's mouthpiece, giving it a gentle kiss. Perhaps the mask was in the way, but she didn't care about that now. She placed the chip on top of John Shepard's coffin, staring at it with a sad smile. "I hope I see you again."

She walked away and did not look back.


End file.
